Chapter 64: The Guru of Self-Image

Sunday, March 7, 1982

At study group Cammie grabbed me. Along with Angie. “Okay, spill! About Megan!”

“Okay. So. First. This is confidential, but I think it’s okay to share what I’ll share. Megan invited me to Sadie Hawkins. I guess she has a crush on me. She was a bit of a mess about it: awkward, self-conscious, all that. I asked her to look in the mirror, think about things, make sure of how she feels, then ask again on Monday. I don’t mind the dynamic of Sadie Hawkins, but I don’t want her to feel nervous and unsettled the whole time.”

Cammie and Angie both giggled a bit. “Um ... yes ... she has a crush on you, partner,” Cammie grinned.

“I missed it.”

“Which is good, because if she’d known you knew she’d have been a wreck.”

Angie nodded. “Yeah, it’s been kinda obvious to the rest of us. But she’s been good about not showing you.”

Cammie added, “Not that it’s a surprise, but I like that you’re not taking advantage of her. A freshman asking a sophomore is rough enough. Add in that she looks even younger, and that apparently she’s not confident in her looks, and you have a recipe for disaster.”

“Exactly why I want to make sure she understands I’m not just doing it as some sort of favor, but because she’s a worthwhile date. She thinks no one has asked her for a date because she’s unattractive.”

“Girls do that to themselves. She’s intimidating as hell — that’s why no one’s asked her. She towers over 95% of the freshmen guys, she’s hot, and she’s smart.”

“Yeah, that’s mostly what I told her. Without saying ‘towers over’; that would’ve made it worse. And I went with ‘beautiful’ instead of ‘hot’.”

“Good boy.” Cammie patted my cheek. “She and Anne are really cool people. We’re lucky to have the two of them.”

“And they’re lucky they picked the right extracurricular,” Angie added. “Seriously, where else can two freshmen jump in and be right up there with the older kids?”

“I wonder who Anne is going to invite?” I said.

Cammie looked at Angie; they both giggled. “Um ... I think she might be skipping it,” Cammie said.

I pondered that. “Broken gaydar?”

“Bingo!” Cammie grinned. “I think she has a crush on Bree, but Bree is straight as an arrow. I think, anyway.”

“I did miss it, even with the earlier hints about there being someone else.”

“She’s trying very hard to make you miss it. I actually think she’s missed me so far. Maybe I’ll clue her in. I know she has a crush on Lizzie, but then so do half the gay girls at Memorial, I bet. Anyone that open and self-confident is a magnet.”

Angie hugged me. “Good going, big brother. My bet is she’ll ask again.”

“I’m pretty sure of it, too. Just want to get off on the right foot. Now, what the heck is the idea of putting me up for VP?”

Cammie blushed. “I’d blame Mel, but really, that goes to Tom Myerson. You’d be running against James Palmer, former junior class rep. He’s done nearly nothing except dump on anyone younger than he is. He’ll go after you because you’re a junior. Some years that’d help him, but not with a more popular senior endorsing you. We’d thought of you for Secretary until we found out Randy Holmes, the current Secretary, is trying to keep the job. We thought he’d go VP. The guy’s a total jerk. He did nothing as the Secretary last year, he’s chauvinist, and he hates gay people. He hates being Secretary simply because the job is called ‘Secretary’ and that’s ‘women’s work.’ Can’t imagine why he’s not trying for something else, unless James or someone else has something on him. Anyway, imagine the odds he’ll stick his foot in his mouth against Lizzie.”

I laughed. “That should be amusing.”

“Mikayla is likely going up against Valerie Stone, the other senior class rep. Mikayla’s just plain a better option for Treasurer, no question. And she’ll also be a senior, so they’re equal there. Then Calvin and Jessica for junior class reps. Calvin will demolish Martin Hanratty except with kids who only see color, and Jessica? C’mon, is anyone voting for Becky Palmer over Jessica except fundamentalists? See, that’s why you’re where you are. You’ve got the best set of tools for matching up with James Palmer. And, yes, he’s Becky’s older brother, if you missed the last names.”

“I like him already.” They chuckled, knowing my disdain for Becky.

“You’ll get a real kick over your new girlfriend’s opponent.”

“My new gi ... oh. Megan. Who?”

“Cindy Baird.”

“Oh, dear lord. That has ‘catfight’ written all over it.”

“Cindy is going to go nuclear. Megan asking you to the dance is all kinds of lucky; the biggest worry there was her being a little too jittery. You, the guru of self-image, are the best thing that could’ve hit her.”

I think I turned at least two shades redder. I blinked at Cammie. “The guru of what? When did this happen?”

She smiled at me. “Everyone you spend time with, in a serious way, comes out of it with a much better self-image than they started with, except maybe Jasmine, and she hardly needed the help. Yes, I’m counting Candice; in fact, she’s the one that started the ball rolling. Me? Mel? Absolutely. Every single person in study group. Well, okay, maybe not Debbie. But Marcus counts. More important, you can’t miss how different Jimmy is, or how Connie has gone from nervous that people are looking down on her to laughing at people who look down on her. Mike was fine, but he’s better. Sarah’s better. Matt and Morty and Emily, who don’t give a whit what anyone thinks of their unique relationship? Cal and Andy, who are thrilled having friends who would never judge them? Hell, Rita, even. Then there’s Bree, who’s kicking ass now. Sue, who’s working through her issues. I know you’re the master of self-deprecation, but, that’s you, Steve. Could some of this have happened without you? Of course, but every bit of it happened around you. Part of it is that you just demonstrate what’s ... right ... and we follow. But it happens way too much to be a coincidence. Angie gets credit, too.”

Angie blinked at that, blushing herself. “Me? What did I do?”

“You’re not catty at all, even when you have obvious reasons to be. I’ve never seen you give someone a backhanded compliment unless they deserved the put-down, or gossip about stuff you shouldn’t or ... whatever. Both of you just rise above all the stupid high school drama, which makes it easier for the rest of us to rise above it, too. I mean, the two of you had the single juiciest piece of gossip I could imagine and held onto it for four months and only shared it when the time was right, calmly and respectfully, with the approval of the person whose story it was. Same thing as Steve. You just do the right thing and the rest of us would feel like schmucks if we didn’t do the same.”

“I think you’re making a bigger deal of it than it is,” I said, knowing full well she’d tell me I was self-deprecating.

“Nah. You just don’t see it because you are it, and because you’re really modest. Which is good, as long as it’s not false modesty, which it’s not. Really, though, everything you two touch turns out better. I’m not saying you’re up for sainthood, just, well, name a person who’s been in your orbit and hasn’t turned out better.”

Angie and I looked at each other and nodded. It was hers to say. “Max”.

Cammie laughed. “Point, Angie. But that’s despite you two. I would’ve beaten him to a pulp a month earlier if I were Steve. Or if I were you. Steve gave both of you space until there just wasn’t a way to keep doing it, and, Angie, you gave him about ten chances too many. And I’m not faulting you for that; I know you had your reasons.”

Angie blushed a bit. “Yeah, I did. Dumb ones, but reasons.”

I hugged her. “They weren’t dumb. Futile, not dumb.”

“Thanks, big bro.” She sniffled just a bit. A reminder that things aren’t easy to put behind us. A ghost of Candice would haunt me for a long time, too. Fortunately, it wasn’t a literal ghost.

Cammie smiled. “Sorry to bring up bad memories. Anyway, where were we? Oh, right, Megan. Just be you. That’s all I can ask and it’s more than enough. She’s a great kid, she’ll be fine. And she won’t take any guff from Cindy. If I were Cindy, I’d just quit the election seeing Megan there.”

“Cindy won’t, though,” Angie said. “It could get nasty.”

I pondered that. If Cindy knew about Cammie, it could get really nasty. I had to figure Janet knew there was a good chance she’d spend senior year ‘out’, depending on how things went. But Cammie? Disaster. Did Cindy guess? I was pretty sure not. If I remembered right, she’d practically accused me of screwing Cammie.

“I don’t think Cindy knows about you, Cammie. That’s good; that’s the one thing that would be disaster. Janet has to figure her secret might come out; I don’t think she cares that much, really. But yours? I think if anything blows up it’ll be at the assembly where candidates speak. You and Cal being all chummy would be a wise move.”

“On it. Thanks for thinking of me!”

“Always. No victory is worth sacrificing you for.”

She smiled. “Yet another reason that, even though I might not want to jump your bones, I love you anyway. Thinking about it, I don’t think anyone on the other side knows anything about me, even Cindy. No Mel in Debate or on trips, and I’ve been with Cal at dances. Plus, we got kicked out for being too lovey-dovey, for goodness’ sake. Not even Higgins will buy it if Cindy makes that accusation. We’re good.”

“Good.”

“That said, I fucking cannot wait to be eighteen so I don’t have this hanging over my head! Two years, one month, twelve damn days. I do love mom and dad, but it only goes so far.”

“Us too, hon,” Angie said.

“Definitely!”

“Okay, enough about that. I’m going to hope Cindy doesn’t out Janet, though. Mom and dad do not need to know there’s someone else gay in Debate besides Lizzie and that I might — horrors — share a room with them! It would be no end of trouble!” Cammie said, grimacing.

“Fingers crossed!”

Monday, March 8, 1982

Apparently, Megan had jumped the gun just enough. I received five offers for Sadie Hawkins. Two I discounted immediately — they were girls I didn’t particularly like. Why they asked me, I don’t know. The third was from someone even worse — Debbie Banks. It’d been months since I’d talked to her. There was absolutely no way I would buy into any part of her. I think she was somehow hoping she could lord it over Marcus. Fat chance of that.

The fourth was legitimately interesting. Sandy Tsang caught me at lunch to see if I’d be willing to go. As with the others, I let her down gently, making it clear someone else had asked but, if that fell through, I would certainly speak to her. And I would.

The fifth was jaw-dropping. Nearly literally. Jessica Lively caught me between English and Debate. “Hey, Steve?”

“Oh! Hi, Jessica. What’s up?”

“Well, um ... since we’ll, hopefully anyway, be spending more time together next year, I was wondering if you would go with me to the Sadie Hawkins Dance.”

Quite a few things went through my head. To my credit, none of them was ‘ditch Megan!’ Thankfully. I had to look at myself in the mirror.

“I believe I would have loved to, but I’ve already been asked, and while it’s not completely settled, she has the first option.”

Jessica smiled, a surprisingly warm smile, even for a girl who, arguably, had the best smile at Memorial. “I have to respect that, and I do. Very much. Perhaps we can get together another time?”

“I would love that, I’m sure.”

“Ask me sometime! I know you’re really busy, and of course I am, too, but soon? Or, at worst, maybe after your musical? I’d love to get to know you better.”