Chapter 20

At my desk, I fished out my mobile and phoned Archie Emerson.

“Mr Emerson? Jimmy here. This company needs a digital upgrade, sharpish! They mostly use manual and mechanical processes which could be much improved and speeded up by computers and modern internal phone communications. I need to consult with their finance people and see what sort of budget we could allocate to a modernisation program.”

“It is that bad, Jimmy?”

“It is. They are working with systems that are two or three decades out of date. They have no dedicated department for upgrading and modernisation of equipment and procedures, and no reward system for suggestions that might get taken up. From what I saw, all the adverts were hand done by physical ‘cut and paste’ before scanning the final version for emailing. We could have done them more quickly ourselves if we had only bothered, instead of farming them out. We were paying over the odds for an inferior product!”

“Okay. I’ll tell Chairman Yeats and Frank Davis that Copies needs a technical upgrade and modernisation to keep up with the competition. You check on the budgeting, in case we need to support them in modernising if they don’t have enough funds.”

Thus, my afternoon started with a study of the finance department’s workings, to see how they dealt with issuing invoices, recording them and the payments, plus all the financial aspects of staff salaries, purchase and repair of equipment, office supplies, and so forth.

As before, I soon saw that there was an urgent requirement for computers and accounting software. They had a whole bank of filing cabinets where invoices from many years past were kept for reference. In my humble opinion, once invoices were paid and digitally recorded, there was no need to retain the paper for more than a year, and that was just in case of queries where you needed the paper as proof; that was always soon after the billing. We could clear out five or six filing cabinets and not need to buy new ones; probably for ever.

Asking Robert Bruce the head of finance about cash reserves, I was met with a blank stare. Reserves was not a word he related to the company. I explained that I meant a set-aside cash account in the bank that could be accessed for purchasing essential items, over and above what cash arrived through sales.

He got me now, and went off to consult his ledgers. I followed him and watched as he compared the company’s cash books with several bank account statements. He revealed his findings.

“The company has several authorised bank accounts, so the one you are talking about is our deposit account, which we avoid taking cash out of; it is for emergency use only. It currently stands at $618,246.”

He was quite proud of this preservation of asset value, but I wasn’t.

“Mr Bruce, when did you last report this excellent cash asset to the Chairman, Frank Davis?”

He was offended at this question.

“Mr Hargreaves, I do not report such simple details to the Chairman! He is a busy man, not involved in the nitty-gritty of company finance details. He gets the summary financial report at the end of each financial year, and the deposit account figure is included as part of the report.”

“I see. Is that figure shown as a separate item, or as part of the firm’s total assets?”

“Included in the assets, of course. The main assets naturally are buildings and stock, which run into several millions.”

“Is that before or after depreciation? Are the buildings and plant depreciated regularly?”

“Well, they used to be, but my predecessor decided that fiddling with depreciation for buildings was a bogus calculation of our asset value, so he deleted that from the accounts summary report.”

“A bogus calculation? On what basis did he conclude that?”

“Once you have depreciated them to nothing, they have no apparent value, but a building retains an intrinsic sale value no matter what, so that was the value we put on the buildings as an asset. Admittedly, pipes, roofing and electrical wiring deteriorate, but if we set aside a sum for repair or replacing such parts on a regular basis, which we do, then that should keep the value static. I accepted his logic and we left it that way.”

I mentioned, “He didn’t consider taxation of the company, and how for tax purposes depreciation is treated as a cost that can be set against tax liability?”

Bruce’s face whitened, then he admitted, “I knew of course that depreciation could be used in that way, but I didn’t think the amount was significant, as buildings have a 20-year period for yearly depreciation. We do depreciate for furnishings and equipment, as the period is much shorter.”

“Mr Bruce, my discussion with our finance head at the main company indicated to me that depreciation can be calculated using a variety of methods and set against our tax bill on profits. It also seems to be a useful means of reducing our total tax liability.

I wonder if your predecessor was actually a fully qualified accountant, or perhaps instead qualified so long ago that he was not conversant with current tax law. I may be wrong about the details, but it should be worth you exploring the facts as they relate to Copies, so perhaps we might later revise our policy on depreciation; don’t you think?”

“I shall make some enquiries as you suggest about the facts as they relate to Copies, Mr Hargreaves, and let you know what I find,” he said with a straight face, but we both knew what he would find; though the facts were complicated, as our accountant had told me they would be. I was right in this case about the net benefit. I let Bruce off the hook and went off to go digging elsewhere.

Getting home finally, I was greeted with a triumphant look on the faces of all my women. It shocked me at first, until I recognised that it was some ploy that they had tried and come out on top. Surprisingly, they all were wearing undies: bra, panties, and high heels. They looked terrific in them, and diverted my train of thought!

However, that look on their faces was what most intrigued me, so I directed my gaze to Sharlene, and demanded, “Come on; tell me what you have been up to. I can see it is some escapade that you are pleased with, but what?”

Sharl gladly informed me, “Yes, darling. You recall you told us the twins should not go out without some of us to guard them; and your tale about ‘accidents’? We made preparations for that. Today they wanted to go buy some undies for wearing on the occasions when we are out and about socially, or have visitors, so we mounted our own expedition to the shops; all five of us.”

“Yes. I can see the result, and it makes me want to make love to my gorgeous wives right this minute. However...” I tailed off with a quizzical look on my face, to give her a chance to continue her tale, as what I had so far heard was too innocuous to be the simple answer.

Sharl continued, “Everything went well with our shopping until we called in at a coffee place in the mall for a hot drink and snacks. We were enjoying our drinks when there was a shout, “There you are!”

We whirled round, and standing there on the walkway outside was uncle Kevin, looking positively pleased with himself but at the same time angry. Cherry got to her feet and reminded us, low enough that while all us girls could hear her, no one beyond our table could, “Remember what Jimmy said, girls: an accident, nothing more!”

We looked round at each other and nodded, remembering our planning. I took the lead and started walking out to meet Kevin, a smile on my face and an outstretched hand as I came close.

“You must be uncle Kevin! Hello and welcome, Kevin!” then as I got up to him I did the fake trip and collided with him, knocking him over. As we fell, I ‘inadvertantly’ let my knee collide with his crotch at some speed, then allowed myself to fall to one side and away from him as he let out a yell of agony. It was just as well the mall marble flooring was spotless, as I was wearing one of my best dresses and didn’t want to sacrifice it.

The other girls rushed over to ‘help’, and in the muddle, one or two sharp heels may have dug into Kevin’s flesh at various places; completely accidentally of course, for the girls lost their balance as they did so, showing it was again accidental. Panties may have been exposed in the melee.

Bystanders rushed to help us fallen women get to our feet, but Kevin was not trying to stand. He wanted to crouch and protect his crotch from any more damage as he continued to cry out in pain.

I made a point of getting over to him and apologising profusely.

“I am most terribly sorry, Kevin, for falling and banging into you like that. We were just coming to say hello. You knew that the twins did not want to speak to you? I wanted to let you know, but I also wanted to say a welcome ‘hello’, as my husband was not around to say ‘hello’ in the way he wanted. He is much more demonstrative, I assure you.”

Kevin knew what I meant by ‘demonstrative’ but none bystander would see it as other than simple conversation, By this time a middle-aged civilian mall guard had charged along and was beside us, asking what had happened.

Charlotte told him with her own sweet smile, “We saw Kevin calling to us, so we went out to meet him, but unfortunately Sharlene tripped and banged into him, resulting in them both landing on the floor. With our position right behind her, Cherry and I then tripped over the fallen pair, and Kevin may have got slightly trampled as we tried to avoid falling down. It was all a simple accident, sir, almost ‘Keystone Cops’ now that I think of it!” she finished with a look of contrition on her face. “I am most upset at what we accidentally did to Kevin.”

He patted her on the shoulder, and said, “There now. Don’t worry about a thing, young lady.” The Keystone Cops image was now in his mind, and made him smile inwardly as we had hoped for.

Kevin was now struggling to stand, and called out to the guard, “I was attacked, I tell you. These terrible women attacked me without reason!”

The guard glared at him. ‘Sir, it will all be on our CCTV security system. I will review that footage and if there is anything to support your surprising allegations, I will take it further.’”

Sharlene went on to tell me, “It was hilarious, but we didn’t dare smile. Bystanders who saw what happened confirmed that I had tripped and fallen against him and the other two girls had tripped over us in turn. A policeman from outside the mall had turned up by now, and the guard asked him to keep us all where we were while he reviewed the CCTV recording to establish the facts.

We had to sit down to recover and have another coffee while we waited, courtesy of the shop management who wanted to be publicly seen as supportive to unaccompanied ladies, and the cop kept Kevin well away from our table. The guard returned after a while and told the cop, “It was entirely as the ladies said. They went to greet him after he called something to them, and it was a case of accidents all round; the ladies were smiling sweetly as they greeted him. There was definitely no attack, officer. I can let you have a copy of the recording, if you need it as proof.”

The policeman accepted the offer, and the mall guard went off to burn the copy to a dvd.

The officer had for some time been looking at Kevin’s face with a jaundiced eye and used his mobile to pass the man’s name to his base. He smiled to himself in satisfaction when he got a reply, and looked round at us five, finally noting that we had twins among us.

“Mr Jones, I think you need to come with me to the station for another interview, because you approached a set of twins after being warned about continuing with such actions after your previous activities.”

“But what about these harpies that attacked me?”

“Attacked you in what way, sir?”

“That one kneed me in the crotch!”

“Sir, the mall guard says the CCTV shows clearly that it was an accident, but that first of all you called out to them as they were sitting quietly, and they came to greet you, friendly-like. The first lady was smiling at you as she came to meet you, with hand outstretched in welcome, and then it was a case of tripping over each other, he tells me. No, you were the agressor instigating this encounter, Mr Jones, and my bosses will want words with you on that question. We have it all recorded on CCTV as evidence.”

Kevin glared at all of us, wanting to take things farther, but rather than make things worse, allowed himself to be taken away. The mall guard intercepted them, and handed a DVD to the cop who smiled as he took it.

We settled back to finish our coffee this time, once I had gone to the manager to thank him for the free coffees and for allowing us time to recover from the unfortunate event. We had just drained our cups, preparing to leave, when we were approached by a man who said he was a stringer for the local paper, and could he get the story of the fracas.

I told him we ladies were quite shook up by what had happened, and just wanted to return home as soon as possible. I refused to give him our names, saying our names were not pertinent to the story. I only admitted we had recognised Kevin and intended to chat with him. ‘Of course, with the way he is currently acting, we want nothing more to do with him.’ I then told him how helpful the coffee shop manager had been, hoping that his kindness would get a mention in the paper.

We left at that point and made our way out to the car park, making sure we were not followed by anyone who might note our vehicle plates.

So we are now home safe, and your wives succeeded in acting as you intended, darling.”

I was startled at the whole episode, and said my piece as their committed mate. I was louder than I realised as I spoke.

“I intended that I should be the one to defend all you ladies! You could have waited until I could take some time off and escort you to the mall. I am upset that I was not there to defend my wives, and they had to defend themselves.” Then I deliberately raised my voice and finished with the essential, “But I am extremely proud of you girls at the way you acted in the circumstances. Well done, all of you!”

I added as a quieter afterthought, “Sharl, as the eldest wife, you acted perfectly in all that you did and said. You are my new Sharlene that I am proud of; most definitely not the old Sharlene that I first encountered all these months ago.”

I gathered her in my arms and soundly kissed her, running my hand up and down her panty-clad rear end. “Can I make love to you tonight, my dear?”

She smiled back at me in appreciation, and said, “My darling man, you make love to me every day, and I enjoy it, but I suppose we can treat tonight as something special, reaffirming our commitment to each other, and to the other girls.”

“You remain happy with our two additions, love, despite today’s unfortunate fracas?”

“Very much so. They are like two more little sisters in our family. I can just imagine you being Daddy to five children all much the same age. That is going to cause confusion for the teachers when they go to school together!”

I laughed in delight. “Just think: I may claim they are quintuplets, even with different dates of birth!”

“That will probably be a story easier for the school to cope with than recognising you have five wives.”

“Sharl, can I say how sexy you all look, prancing around in your new undies? Just when I have got so used to you all being naked, you arouse my sensibilities to new levels with your skimpy undies. We must make a few changes like this, from time to time, to pique my almost unflagging interest in your bodies.”