Chapter 3: Witch Way

The fellas out voted me for the next segment on the agenda. We’re going to see the trailer frames. The winning argument is logistical. Donjohn knows exactly where the trailers are being scrapped and it’s not far to travel. It’s the opposite direction than Hog’s girlfiends place, and Hog doesn’t have a clear memory of how to get there, but he’s certain it’s not close. We’re doing the easiest and more certain part next. Keep the successes coming uninterrupted. We’re on a roll.

“These are the frames I told you about. What do you all think?”

“I don’t understand why we would want to load the boat on the trailer upside down? That just causes more work when we have to roll her over right side up again! Doesn’t make sense.”

Donjohn is proud of his recommendation. The frames look substantially heavy duty. They are nearby the marina. Trailering to the marina only a short distance is a fortuitous advantage. Hog is confused about the advantage of transporting the boat upside down. He’s not alone. It’s not my friends are incapable of seeing the problems we face and the possible solutions. They’re not looking far enough ahead to see them. I’m trying to see as far ahead as I can.

“Let me talk you through my mental process. From the underside of the deck to the deepest part of the hull is twelve feet plus a couple of inches. That’s counting the depression in the fin keel that originally was designed to be filled with lead or some suitable weight.

Ignore the fin all together. Subtract the three and a half feet depth of the fin. Subtract it from that twelve feet and a tad headroom. Ignore the tad. The space remaining leaves eight and a half feet usable headroom inside the hull. Everybody with me to this point?”

“What’s the point, Joey. Nobody s going to bump their head. That’s an appropriate headroom. Houses typically have eight foot ceilings.”

“That is usable headroom only if, when the boat is upside down.”

“That doesn’t make sense!”

“With the boat right side up, how far above the bottom do you need to raise a floor for it to have a usable width? The bottom slopes steeply down on both sides towards the fin. The angle of the slopes of the bottom allow greater and greater width of floor the higher you raise the floor. But just above the fin, your floor would only be a strip down the center, maybe a foot wide. To get a wide usable floor, you need to make it higher.”

“Okay, we make it higher and wider.”

“Sure we can. At the cost of reducing headroom. If you raise the floor two feet, you lose two feet of headroom. Your eight and half feet is reduced to only six and a half feet in that situation.”

“Okay, so what’s the problem? I can be happy with that six feet.”

“Imagine the boat is upside down, and the ceiling becomes the deck. You can walk and stand on its full width and with twelve feet of headroom in the center. More spacious everywhere. How close to the river bank do you want to set the pier, Dallas? Close?”

“As close as we can get it. We’ll have to bridge across any gap.”

“How close do you think you’ll manage to get it with that fin sticking down in the mud beneath? Can you dredge a channel?”

“The fin sticks up in the air if it’s upside down?”

“Correct. Upside down, we’ll get her much closer to the bank”.

“I think Joey has a decent idea. Upside down, the roof is sloped like normal roofs, not a flat deck catching dirt, bird shit, and dead leaves. Better for reducing snow loads and easier for rain to run off. Don’t get much snow, but I’m visualizing it, and I like the look of it. What about the fin? Cut it off? Would it serve any purpose to leave it on?”

“I believe it could have a vent to let out hot air, and a chimney pipe in the fin, for using a pot bellied stove for warmth in cold weather.”

“All in favor of using the boat upside down?” Unanimous consent.

“Now, a question for Hog. We don’t know your witch girlfiend, you do. What could we offer in trade for her help. What would tempt her? Let’s not leave it up to her generosity to decide to help us or not. We need to offer her a deal she won’t refuse.”

“I don’t know what she would like. Money, but we don’t have any.”

“What does she do for a living? Does she have hobbies? How serious is she about being a witch? Does she drink? Use drugs?”

“She smokes grass, uses mushrooms, likes wine and beer. Loves all animals, farm animals plus dogs and cats. Has a parrot, a cockatoo, and a pet crow. She had a peacock, maybe she still does. She keeps sheep, goats, geese, ducks, chickens. A donkey. Or maybe it’s a burro, I can;t tell the difference. She’s got a miniature pet monkey, nasty thing. Dozens of dogs and cats. Oh, and a pet boa constrictor I think she has sex with. I seen her dancing with it. Naked! Serious!”

‘“The two of you should get married, Hog. Then her weird collection would be complete, once she added you to her zoo.”

“Well, maybe I will, Donjohn. She can have a half share in my shrunken heads collection. That would really make her happy.”

“Do you really collect shrunken heads?”

“Fixin to start a collection, with Donjohns, just as soon as I discover where he sleeps and catch him napping.”