Chapter 11

I’m sure you, the reader, are reading this story thinking that the whole covid lockdown is just great for me, and it’s all fine. Well, it’s not. This is the Youtuber’s paradox; only show the good bits, because who wants to watch you all fall apart?

I’m sure that every one of you – well, almost – went through the experience of lockdown, and struggled with the sudden changes in life, the restrictions, the pressure. How you can feel unmotivated, listless. Having trouble waking up. Or maybe you’re in healthcare, pressure and risk and long hours, while everyone else lazes around, or bitches about how this is all a made-up problem, while people are dying.

These were hard times. For me, I felt like I was torn in two. Home life, that I’ve been telling you about, it was just lovely and sweet, and mostly enchanting. But then there was work. For my business, things were building up. Although the overall number of covid cases had peaked and was now convincingly dropping, the pressure on the healthcare system was still growing, as hospitalisations crested, and more and more staff went into isolation, and the hospitals started to understand even better what to do different. All this led to more pressure on my business, and my staff. More! More!

And it’s so very hard to say no when people are dying every day. I know the system looked chaotic from outside – it couldn’t even get the death counts right. And, honestly, it was chaotic. Everyone was really working impossibly hard as massive changes flowed through the system. For my team, our experience was that we always worked hard and longer than our customers. Now, our customers were pulling impossible hours ... I got pulled into meetings with politicians trying to understand the scope of our disaster.

Kat had warned me several times that it was a challenge for my staff, and I’d done what I could, but all my staff felt the intense urgency. The only result of my reaching out to them was that they gave more stuff to me, and I squeezed more stuff into my day. I was getting up earlier and missing swimming sometimes, trying to get more done, and shaving the corners off things. I no longer had a sustainable path forward, but what could I do about that? Kat might be supportive, but only to a degree. Otherwise, it was a problem I had to solve myself. And I had to carry the family, I could not let that down. Also, I had to keep performing for Kat. And then there was the prospect of Sal looming over me. And I suspected things were going to blow up with Lem, in the future. And Zara’s family would no doubt blow up into my life at just the wrong time.

If that was not enough, there was now talk about relaxing restrictions to allow very limited and controlled home visits. Because of the way we live, those are never simple – more for me to manage.

I didn’t know how I was going to keep all those balls in the air. Or who would burn when it all came tumbling down.

After family time one night, Sal came and asked if she could speak to us privately. “Where?” I asked. Sal thought our bedroom, maybe.

Ahh, so it’s going to be high on emotional content.

We sat on the bed cross legged, our legs touching.

“Thanks. I want to start by telling you how thankful I am that you took me and Jael and Michael in. Things were really bad for a while with Lem, and I can see that both Lem and I were out of control and locked into a downwards spiral. You definitely saved some lives, though I’m really not sure who’s. Me? But maybe Jael would have gone bang first.”

“Living here has been so totally different to what I expected, in so many ways. I only came here because I was really angry, and I wanted to blow things up. The biggest way I knew to blow them up was make Jael and Michael sexually active. That was one reason I wanted to come here. I didn’t know that consciously. But it was real. It took me a long time to recognise that.”

It was a real good thing we made such tight rules for Sal, and took the children off her.

“But instead, what you’ve done is make them sexually educated – it’s such a different thing. I talked to Jael about it this week. They’ve seen you all naked all the time, and then seen that you guys have sex all the time. Man, you lot never stop! And they’ve actually seen you two have sex.”

Kat and I looked at each other in surprise.

“Come on, you go to the wet area at night and have sex, and it’s all windows, and the lights are on, and they’re out in the tent ... what did you think was going to happen? But don’t worry, I’m cool with it. I can’t think of a better pair for them to watch than you. Hell, I’d like to watch too.”

“And I know they’ve played around a little out in the tent under the rules you gave them. I would’ve freaked about that in the past, but I see this maturity in them. They’ve seen how sex can be fun, but they’ve also learnt how it can be dangerous, and they understand why they need more experience to handle it safely. They’re very content with the rules, and happy to wait.”

“So I’m really happy with where Jael and Michael are. But me ... when we first arrived, you stripped me naked. Not just of clothes, but of everything. I was shocked. Not just at how thoroughly and efficiently you stripped me, but that you thought it was necessary. I hated it. And then I said to myself, four weeks, and I’ll take it back. Well, it’s been over six weeks now. And in the six weeks, I’ve done nothing but be your housemaid, and exercise. And heal. And be part of your amazing family. And I’ve talked to Kat nearly every day, trying to understand myself.”

“Obviously a huge part of my problems have been about sex. Kat and I have talked about the rapes, and the incident with you, and the problems in our family, and how I blow up relationship after relationship.”

The rapes, plural? I didn’t know about that.

“There’s no doubt that I associated sex with bad motives and abuse. Kat and I have talked about it a lot. It’s a classic rape survivor issue. But I still hungered for sex. It made me think I was a slut, and that I was broken because I wanted sex and because at the same time I wanted to be part of good and honest life, and a church. Living here in this sex positive house, where you control yourselves, but still have sex such a lot ... it’s transformed me. Because now I know that what I need is possible.”

“Oh, and by the way, I know that you guys would like be much more sexual on Saturday evenings when the kids are out in the tent, and that you wait for me to go to sleep. I try to go early. It would be good for me, I think, if you didn’t wait, and I could be part of that love. I can make myself come. I don’t even mind if you watch, I’ve been practising. And fantasizing.”

“I really think the sex stuff is important. I know people think I was a bitch. And I know that’s why you stripped me so naked. And I was. Awful. No doubt about it. I really don’t want to be like that again. I hated myself, mostly because of sex. With your help and example, I’ve learnt that I don’t have to, that I can be whole. But I need to practice it, because it’s too easy to fall into my old habits, to be the person I hated.”

“So what I’m saying is that it’s time for me to carefully start growing back towards normal life. With that in mind, Kat, maybe I could start doing the shopping? And if that goes OK, I can get my phone back? I promise I won’t talk to Lem.”

Lem had called me twice more. The content of both calls had been the same: to assure me had turned his life around, he was getting counselling, and while he wasn’t ready, did I have any sense when Sal would be ready? No, I didn’t, but it’s not getting worse.

I said, “Sal, we must talk about Lem. He’s called me twice more wanting to know when you’ll be ready to talk. He definitely wants to be back in his kid’s lives, and he’s still very fixed on you. And you still talk about him. But I can’t see how Lem will make that transformation with you. He definitely has the sex equals abuse thing going on inside him. I can’t see how he won’t drag you down. And my read is that Jael and Michael are still dead set on not talking to him.”

Sal’s face fell. “I’m not ready to face all those questions. I know that they’re there, and one day I’ll have to deal with them. But please, we need more time.”

Kat frowned at me and smacked me on the shoulder. “Sal, Dave should not have asked that question yet. Just ignore all what he said and take small steps. You can do the shopping this week. Maybe you should take Jael with you?”

Sal laughed. “No chance of that. Neither Jael or Toni will leave the house right now – it’s all too scary out there. And having to wear masks now ... nah, they won’t. And Jael has an extra reason – she hasn’t worn a stitch of clothing, not even any jewellery, since she walked into the house. At most, she’s wrapped a blanket around her shoulders. She won’t even shave – anything. She’s ‘all natural’. She doesn’t want to break her streak. She said she’d go if she could go naked, but for the mask.”

We all laughed. Jael is a bit obsessive, we’ve found.

“Actually about her, I was going to ask if I could start taking back being a parent, but you don’t really parent them much, do you? You let them do the right thing, and they somehow want to do it. It’s the most bizarre thing that’s happened here.”

“Well, as you have found doing the cleaning, it’s not that they’re perfect. It’s more that if you can get them to own their destiny, they’ll mostly listen to gentle guidance. Of course, we have the big stick if we need it.”

“Oh yes, talking about what I’ve found doing the cleaning, about your bedroom. I’m amazed that you let me clean your whole room, toys and all, and put all your underwear away. You don’t have any secrets do you?”

Kat shrugged. “We are what we are, and we don’t have to be ashamed if we love each other.”

“So, what’s with the camera and the screen? Can I ask about that? Do you have an open relationship?”

I watched Sal as Kat explained the rules of our relationship to her, and then started telling her some of the funnier stories from some of our experiences. She told Sal about Vana, and even about the big party performance. Even some stories I had forgotten.

And I was thinking: Sal looks like she’s really doing well. Am I ready to get my hands on her? To let her make me come? Kat tells her something I did, and she turns her eyes to me. Yeah, I can do this. I love my sister more than I ever have.

Still, I felt funny about this discussion, as if I had missed something, something that should have been. But I couldn’t put my finger on it. There’s something about Sal that isn’t quite right. I can’t shake the feeling that it’s all been too easy.

“Dave? Are you there? Dave!”

Shit. Here I was, naked on the bed with Kat and Sal, and Kat had her hands on my dick. And I had zoned out and was thinking about work. What a disgrace. I hung my head and shame and apologised. Who knows what great sex stories I had missed out on?

No sex that night – I was exhausted. Very unusual.

The next night, Kat took me to bed earlier than usual, to make sure I was awake. We were cuddling in bed, getting me in the mood, when there was a knock on the door. Then Michelle poked her head through the door, with this big smile on her face.

“Hey, Mum, guess what. Zach tastes just the same as Tim.”

Kat laughed. “I figured. Same diet, coming every day, that makes sense. How did you find out?”

“Zara wanted more massage practice, so Tim and I used the table next to theirs, and then we gave both the boys a very happy ending. I wiped some of him off Zara’s lips.”

“Well done!”

But I did not think that this was a good idea at all. Escalating the sex games, it could easily get out of control, and blow up. And while Sal is confident in her kids, I’m not really. And no one is listening to me, least of all Kat.

“Michelle, I don’t want you playing sex games with your mother. It’s just a recipe for trouble. I’ll be watching you very closely in the future.”

Michelle was shocked. “Umm, yes, Dad, OK,” and then she was gone.

Kat looked at me, “Fuck Dave, where do you get off? You can’t tell her and me what to do like that. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with you the last few days.”

She was mad? Hell, now I was mad. “Well, I can tell you what it is, it’s called responsibilities. One of us has them, while the other just swans around and has a great time. People are dying out there, so don’t you tell me what to do!”

Kat wiped my spray off her face, and said angrily, “Fuck you, you’ve gone too far.” With that, she got up and walked out.

The bed was still empty the next morning. I didn’t even see her until lunch time, but when my last call before lunch finished, she walked in with lunch for me and sat on my lap. We talked, and I apologised for losing my temper, and so did she. We ran out of time, but she did kiss me before my next meeting. It was nice we were talking, but it seemed like things still weren’t right between us. All afternoon I wondered how I could fix things, as my crises at work seemed to magnify and my email blew out beyond management.

Bed Time

All afternoon I’d been thinking but I hadn’t come up with anything. Too much work. After family time, Kat said to me she was going to our room, and I was to come in a few minutes.

When I walked into the room, Kat was sitting on the bed, twirling something in her hand. Wow, I hadn’t seen her looking like this for a long time. She stood and came to stand right in front of me. I looked her over. She was wearing black high heels, sheer black stockings with suspenders, a little black mini skirt made from vertical leather strips that gave half coverage, and a black corset with a red stripe, with her breasts exposed. Paired with her blonde hair with its black and red trimming, it was a very arresting look.

She stopped twirling the thing in her hand, and I realised what it was. Kind of like handcuffs, but with four cuffs not two. She’s going to tie us together?

“OK,” she said, “I’ve been thinking about you all day, and I’ve decided what I’m going to do. You have only one choice right now – I’m going to restrain you. Kneel down by the bed over there.”

My mind was blank for a few seconds. We very rarely play games with me in bondage, and they sometimes don’t go well. And I wasn’t sure that this was the right time. Kat raise her eyebrows at me. Well, what was I going to do? After last night, it seemed like a supremely bad idea to fight with her. And I do trust her. Maybe more than myself, right now.