Chapter 18: Hello Back

My Dearest Husband that was to be,

Please say hello from me, right back to Kezia, too. Assure her I don’t mind in the least her sharing your bed without me even beyond when I can come home again. Tell her, it’s my hope she shares it for a lifetime! Her promise to scoot over for me without a fuss, is sweet but ridiculous, and not recommended at all. It would be unnecessarily painful for all concerned and serve no desirable end.

When I do come home, you might well be startled by the change in me. Yes, I’ve changed and adapted to my circumstances and environment. You aren’t the only one with an interim lover. My cell mate finally won me over, wore me down, wore down my resistance, until I had no more left in reserve. If I stupidly were to say I’m sorry it happened, I would be lying worse than any politician.

Kezia is ultimately the best for you! I say that to you and her with true conviction and confident certitude. Enjoy and cherish each other unceasingly. Forever I will remember and love you as my first lover. Don’t imagine my girlfriend isn’t equal, isn’t a better sex partner than you are. Dear heart, please forgive me saying it , because she simply is. She satisfies me physically and emotionally in more profound ways than, you can possibly imagine, and can’t compete with her in bed. One example, I will share withb you, for clarity.

Many nights we fiercely clutch each other and weep inconsolably together. Screeching out terrible embittered anguish, wailing our pain and rage at our unendurable torment and isolation, we exhaust all that darkness, expelling it forcibly from our lungs and hearts, and finding peace at the end. In that peace, we find love together and rely upon a wonderful blissful shared release. The relief we provide each other is immeasurable and can’t be defined, explained, or described!

Can you appreciate this much? I can’t imagine the two of us, you and I Earl, having a similar crying jag, bawling our eyes out session together? I believe my sweet Rose is what’s best for me in the end. It has nothing to do with who I love best. I’m in love simultaneously with both her and with you, it’s nose to nose, a photo finish. You also love more than one woman at the same time, so you won’t deny me the same liberal faculty of the heart.

Life and a future with Rose as my partner, will be more practical and ultimately, more successful and less stressful for us all. She is scheduled for release just prior to me. She plans to pick up her career exactly where she left off. Go back to sea. Her credentials weren’t revoked as mine were. Her profession is more humane than mine is.

She’s been a ship’s cook for decades, and says she’s positive she can get us both a berth, me as a galley hand, working with her in her galley. We’ll tour the world together as shipmates. I’m sorely tempted to go with her. I dream about it. It calls to me! All prisoners fantasize about escaping. Running away to sea, is the greatest escape fantasy of all, the most seductive I can imagine! Rose says, we’ll actually do it, make it reality. Room and board with a fat salary? No condemnation for having done time in prison? What’s not to like? I can send money regularly, to help you support our girls. When I visit, it’s best I only be introduced as their loving, doting, Aunt Ruth.

You broke my heart when you wrote they called your mom, mama. You’re forgiven. You were right to tell me the truth of the matter.

The situation is at fault, not you. If calling both you and your dad, dada confuses them, what would two mommas do to mess with their heads and hearts? No, I won’t do that to them. They don’t know me, aren’t bonded to me, don’t miss me. It will be enough my knowing them, and knowing they’re safe, healthy and happy. You’ll insure that, I know you will, darling. You’ll protect them as a good father.