Chapter 4

At the age of 24, Eli was not a prime dating specimen. He was fat, though not grossly obese. His eyes were close-set, his nose very long, his teeth uneven. He wasn’t retarded, but he certainly was not very bright, either.

“I wanna get laid, Eric,” he said to his older brother.

“Sorry,” said Eric. They had been over this basic ground before. Attempts to fix Eli up with women were always rejected. Eric never got the sense that even the friends-of-friends were seriously considering the offer before rejecting it. Somehow online dating had never taken off for the remarkably unattractive. Eli did not want a prostitute, and in any event couldn’t afford one often.

“I got a new idea. We need a retard.”

“What?”

“You heard about this? Some woman has a blind retard sister, and they go visit a guy who’s such a loser he wants to have sex with the retard. Because she’ll never know he’s a loser with one leg and three arms.”

“Oh, yeah, I guess. Why don’t you sign up? You wouldn’t mind fucking a blind retard would you? They say lots of them look pretty OK.”

“I did sign up, but the waiting list is a mile long. Not many near here.”

“Bummer. The porn gets better all the time, though, doesn’t it? And there are those new things that are even better than Fleshlights.”

“Yeah, yeah, but you know what else? The women with the retard sisters who do this are usually dogs. They’re the ones who sympathize. And besides, they can kind of hope that the guy who is fucking their sister might be an OK match -- they can maybe overlook how much of a total loser he is, and he might overlook how awful she looks.”

“Oh, I see.”

“They might even marry. That’s what I really want, you know. A permanent girlfriend. A little sex would be nice, but that would be the best.”

Eric was skeptical. “You, marry? Hmmmm.”

“Hey, if the girl’s enough of a dog, she might, right? Some dog ... Her sister right now is saying, ‘You, marry? Hmmmm.’”

Eric took a deep breath. “Nice to think about. Maybe the waiting list will get shorter.”

“I had another idea. You pretend to be my retard brother.”

“What?”

“I say I got a retard brother, and some dog signs you up, and you go and fuck her, and I see if we hit it off.”

“That’s crazy!”

“Why?”

“If she’s enough of a dog, I’d probably puke.”

“I’ve thought about it. There’s this drug you can get -- completely safe, but it makes you blind for like 12 hours, then you can see again. So if you took it you wouldn’t be grossed out by how much of a dog she is. You just fuck her.”

“You know how hard it is to act like a retard?”

“You’re not answering questions or having a conversation. You’re just fucking. Don’t lots of guys look like retards when they’re fucking anyway? At least the ones in porn do.”

Eric had to admit that fucking did tend to bring out vacant expressions in porn stars. And women. And probably him too.

“And besides, you get to fuck. You like fucking, right?”

Eric did. What with the way he lost his last girlfriend, he was kind of off girls. And he’d never considered a prostitute. But to be able to fuck a girl, just for fucking’s sake. He wouldn’t have to look at her. She might be fat or ugly, but she’d have a pussy to hold his cock tight. And she wouldn’t expect him to hold off for an hour until she had her little orgasm. He could just go for it and score. His cock got warm in his pants.

“But it’s false pretenses! Some girl’s expecting a retard and she gets me!”

“Well, she’ll never know you’re not a retard. I bet you can fuck like a retard.”

Eric smiled. If a retard fucked by just going for his own pleasure as quick as possible, damn the female’s tender feelings, that might be fun.

“If you do hit it off with some girl, she’ll find out soon enough you were lying.”

“Kind of a white lie. You will really be blind, like not be able to see her. And you may not be retarded, but you’re not feeling sorry for her, you’re just helping out your brother. And fucking.”

“This is crazy. Fun thinking about it maybe, but no way...”

But Eli didn’t let the subject drop. He kept bringing it up over and over. And Eric warmed to the idea. Maybe he’d get to do it a bunch of times. Probably would, because Eli wouldn’t hit it off with just any girl. These girls must all have hot, working pussies. If not, a retard would get confused and wouldn’t know what to do. And if a pussy was good enough for a retard, why not good enough for him?

Eric was nervous. He supposed it wasn’t actually a crime, what they were doing. Pretending to be more stupid than you were.

Eli rang the bell, and the door opened. He couldn’t see her, of course, but Eli didn’t immediately vomit or run away.

“Hey, you must be Sarah,” said Eli.

“Yeah, you’re Eli and this is your retard brother Eric. Hey, he looks pretty nice! Tall, nice arms...”

Eric started getting a little sense of what it was like to be viewed as a piece of meat.

“Come on in.”

Eli put his hand behind Eric’s back to guide him in.

Eric stood there with his mouth hanging open, ready to be guided further.

“He live with you? You take care of him?” said Sarah.

“Yeah, since our mom died it’s just the two of us. I got some freelance work so we get by.” He had it basically right, it’s just their roles were reversed.

“Unnh-huh, unnh-huh,” said Sarah. “You can see why I’m stuck doing it with retards.”

She was presumably showing off whatever it was about her that made her a really doggish dog.

“Oh, I don’ t know, what you got isn’t such a big deal. Heck, I’m almost as bad, if I ever was going to date.”

“Hmmm. I wanna get what I had you come for,” she said. “It’s nice of you to lend me your brother.”

“Oh, I’m glad to help where I can,” he said.

Eric felt himself being led through a door and heard it shut behind him.

“Retard got a cock ... he better!” said Sarah. He felt her working his sweatpants off, and his briefs with them. “There it is,” she said. “Got no brain but got a cock.” It hardened in her hand as he thought about what was coming next.

“To hell with the clothes on top. I want that in my cunt ... gotta get naked enough he can get at it.”

Eric stood impassively until he felt Sarah take his hand and pull it down towards her. He wasn’t sure how much of an idiot he was supposed to be. She put his hand right between her legs so he could feel the crotch.

Eric gave an idiot grin, as if he’d just figured out what was coming next. He quickly mounted and pushed his cock forward towards what seemed like the center of the crotch. He pressed against firm flesh. He wasn’t supposed to be smart enough to aim, was he?

“Oh, you’re so much of an idiot I gotta aim it for you ... there, now try.”

Eric paused since he wasn’t supposed to be able to hear. Then he pushed. He pushed and his cock tip went into hot, wet pussy. It wasn’t so wet, actually. But he figured a retard would just keep going.

“Ah, shit, that hurts!”

Eric had a strong impulse to stop. But he was a deaf retard, and if she wanted him to stop she’d have to do something he could feel -- and she didn’t. He kept pushing, then in and out in a hot, tight place, even if it was dry. Two out of three was enough. He did his best to have a vacant grin and went, “Oooh, oooh, oooh,” over and over. In under a minute he came. “Ooooh, ooh, aaaahhhh!” he said, and then pulled out. And after he dismounted he sat on the edge of the bed, awaiting further instructions. He could feel his cock slowly subsiding.