Risky Business

The walk back to the cabin took less than an hour, and Mike let out a sigh of relief when he saw it in the distance. Bigfoot had them utilizing tree portals to shorten their journey, with the owl always hopping through at the last second. The ominous creatures of the woods had watched them when they left the cave, and many followed them toward their destination, but a few were left behind with each jump. He assumed it was part of the treaty they had established with the owl, who had acted as both an interpreter and mediator.

It was a fairly simple agreement. If the Nirumbi and the other creatures agreed to peace with the occupants of the cabin, as well as each other, then they could stay. The owl would act as their leader instead of the current Caretaker, whoever that may be.

However, this agreement hinged largely on getting rid of Leeds. The owl had assured them that her magic was more than capable of trapping him, and that it would be a simple matter of pushing him past his own boundary. Mike doubted it would be that easy. If history was any indicator, he was in for a rough night.

He took the morning to sleep. Between sex with Dana and his near-death experience, he had been fairly energized all night. Upon seeing the cabin, his feet had started to drag through the snow and he stumbled. Quetzalli and Yuki had held his arms until they walked inside, and he had promptly gone to his room and fallen into a deep slumber.

At first, he dreamed in images. Instead of landing in the Dreamscape, he saw the events of the last few days as they flitted through his mind like photographs in a flipbook. Darkness came and then went, and when he finally awoke, he was alone.

Puzzled by the silence, he moved to get out of bed and nearly fell when his foot caught on something heavy under the covers.

“Ow!” The lump in his bed shifted and Kisa appeared, rubbing at her face. “That really fucking hurt!”

“What are you doing here?” he asked, then looked around. He was still in the cabin. “Is this a dream?”

“Maybe.” Kisa slapped her cheeks and winced. “I must have fallen asleep in the sitting room. This feels pretty real, though. Hey, listen! You need to get home right away! The Three Horsemen of the Apocalypse trapped us in another dimension, and Beth is—”

“Wait, what? The Apocalypse?”

Kisa scowled at him and grabbed his face with her hands. The pads on her fingertips were soft, but her grip was borderline menacing. “Shut up for a second and just listen!”

She explained it all. An angel had spirited them away and locked them up in a world made of mist. Apparently, Beth was acting as Death’s lawyer, and now was playing board games in the front yard against War, Famine and Pestilence for the fate of all mankind.

He wasn’t certain yet that this wasn’t a dream.

“Oh, and something in the house has been attacking us,” she finished. “Knocking us out, one by one. Tink was put to sleep a couple days back, and she still hasn’t woken up. Cecilia got knocked out, and so did one of the fairies. Oh, and Beth got cloned by primordial ooze, so now there’s two of her, kind of. It’s time you wrap up your vacation and come home!”

Mike took a deep breath through his nose, doing his best to lower his blood pressure. If everything Kisa had said was true, they were all in danger and there was nothing he could do. He wasn’t even sure what to do with the knowledge that there were now two of Beth.

“It’s hardly been a vacation, here. C’mon.” He slid out of bed and noticed that he was still fully dressed from last night. At least he wouldn’t be walking through this dream in his underwear. Those were the worst! “Let’s try and figure out what our current situation is while I tell you what’s going on in Oregon.”

He explained the situation with Leeds as he put on his shoes, and then they walked into the main room of the cabin. He had just finished telling her about the new truce when he noticed that the building had changed.

The television and entertainment center was gone. Instead, a massive fireplace with a roaring fire greeted them, casting long shadows into the eaves of the cabin. When he looked in the kitchen, it was much bigger and had an assortment of drying meats hanging by the window.

Kisa whistled. “This place is impressive.”

He frowned, then looked upstairs. The shadows parted, revealing that the walls of the cabin were covered in various animal trophies.

“This isn’t what it looks like in the real world,” he told her. “Stick close to me.”

She pressed herself into him and sighed. “Damn, you feel good,” she muttered. “Just having you close makes me feel better. And safe.”

He put his arm around her and squeezed. His magic responded to her presence, filling him with warmth and calm.

There was a thump from upstairs. They looked at each other, and then Mike looked at the front door.

“Don’t suppose it would make sense for us to run, do you?” he asked.

The thump repeated itself. Mike pushed Kisa behind him and moved toward the stairs, his palms suddenly sweaty. Kisa shoved past him before they got to the top of the stairs, and he tried to grab her and pull her back, but he was too slow.

“What the hell?” Kisa looked over her shoulder at him. “I don’t get it.”

He climbed the last three stairs and saw what she was looking at. Instead of the upper floor, they now stood in a thicket of pines. Between a pair of gnarled trees, a massive stag stopped to regard them.

Kisa moved toward the nearest wall and ran her hands along it. “It turns into this tree,” she told him while peeking through its branches. “It’s almost like the cabin—”

“Is the forest,” he finished, then knelt to touch the soil. When he buried his finger in it deep enough, he could just scratch the wooden floor beneath it. “But that doesn’t tell us where we are.”

The trees around them rustled, but there was no wind. He tried to track the invisible breeze using his hands, then jumped when he watched a nearby tree pop out of existence, leaving behind a stump with a woman sitting on it.

“Greetings, Caretaker.” She winked at him, a playful smile on her lips. Her dark hair was wavy and hung loosly around her ears in a bob cut. She wore a leather tunic with matching pants, and her boots looked to be made of deerskin. “I see you brought your familiar with you. She’s cute.”

Mike tried hard to relax, but was worried. He was already up shit creek without a paddle, he didn’t need any further complications. Kisa growled a warning from the back of her throat.

“You seem to know who I am, but I have no idea who you are,” he told her.

When she laughed, the sound triggered memories of a summer rain.

“That’s intentional,” she told him. “In fact, when I summoned you here, I was very surprised I could take this form at all. It’s been a very long time since I’ve spoken to a mortal, and when I do, it’s usually as a disembodied voice. Having a body is something I haven’t done in a few centuries.”

“That still doesn’t tell us who you are.” Kisa moved in front of Mike protectively. “So let’s try again. Who the fuck are you?”

The woman answered. The moment the words left her mouth, Mike felt like his soul temporarily left his body, and the forest shook. Kisa actually lost her balance and fell. When he knelt to help her up, he realized that he couldn’t remember the woman’s answer. His mind was full of static instead of sound, and even the movement of her lips had been blotted away like a stain on a rug.

“I imagine the experience was unpleasant, but I knew you wouldn’t have believed me if I told you the truth. Suffice to say, sharing my name is against the rules.” She stood and moved closer to them. “I must say I’m surprised to see that our new champion is a man. That’s quite out of character for my sister.”

“Your sister?” Mike helped Kisa up. “Who is your sister?”

The woman smirked. “Not so much who anymore, but what. She’s the house you live in.”

“Which makes you the cabin, right?” Kisa pawed at her ears. “I feel fucking nauseous, what did you do to us?”

“I did nothing. That would be magic that was created for the sole purpose of protecting the sanctity of the game. If I had told you anything more, your head may have exploded.” She moved next to Kisa, the scent of pine needles and campfire surrounding her like a cloak. She lifted her hands and touched Kisa’s temples with glowing fingertips. “Better?” she asked.

“Much. Thank you.” Kisa rubbed her eyes. “So where is this place?”

“That’s a good question. Some of us think it’s inside the champion’s head, while others think it’s inside ours.” She turned to walk away, then looked over her shoulder at them. “You coming? Time is short.”

Mike followed behind her. They walked into the forest, and it came alive with birdsong. The longer they were in the woods, the more surreal the environment became. It was as though they had stepped into a painting, and the colors were just a little too bright.

They came to a clearing with a table made of stone and two wooden chairs on one side woven from tree roots; he immediately recognized one of the gameboards and the pieces that had been set on it. However, now there were a couple of boards. One looked like his house while the other was clearly the cabin and surrounding forest. Mike and Kisa sat down.

“I assume you’ve seen this before,” she said, then sat opposite of them. Roots sprang up from the ground and wove themselves into an intricately decorated seat that looked more throne than dinner party.

“I have,” he admitted. “But it’s never been properly explained to me.”

“Nor could it be. That’s part of the challenge.” She picked up a piece that had been on the table between the game boards and scrutinized it. It was a tiny version of Kisa, which she handed to the catgirl. “The fact that you’re here is very intriguing. Familiars are usually animals, or maybe a golem, but never an actual human.”

Kisa’s tail swished behind her. “Lucky me,” she muttered, then handed the piece back. “Are those all of us?”

Mike looked at the board and frowned. He saw Bigfoot and the others, all carved in meticulous detail, inside the cabin. “I didn’t think they were part of the geas,” he said. “They were outside it.”

“Oh, honey, the great game isn’t location-specific.” She pushed the cabin board closer to him. “These pieces were on my board. The geas is for my sister’s board only. As for you, Caretaker, I wouldn’t have even noticed your presence if not for that sudden burst of magic inside my walls. Woke me right out of my slumber.”

Kisa snorted. “Who did you fuck?” she asked.

“It’s more like who hasn’t he fucked?” The woman winked at him. “The forest has told me stories.”

“Is Bigfoot a good kisser?” asked Kisa. “Cause you know Beth is gonna ask.”

Though he hadn’t kissed Bigfoot himself, he did have Emily’s memories of the time she had had sex with him. “I’m not the kind of guy to kiss and tell,” he replied.

“Psshh. You never kiss and tell, but everyone in the house has seen your bare ass, usually plowing someone from behind.” Kisa looked at the house’s board. “Why is this piece so fuzzy?” she asked, pointing at one he didn’t recognize. It was in the office.

“He can tell you.” The woman moved next to Kisa and put an arm on the catgirl’s shoulder. “I like you. If you ever tire of him, you can always come live with me. You’re fun.”

“It means someone hasn’t been discovered yet,” he explained, then frowned. The piece, though blurred, was also blackened as if it had been burned. He tried to touch it, but it was so hot that he yanked his hand away. “Why is this one so different?’ he asked.

“Because it isn’t your piece.” The woman scowled as the piece shifted into the living room. “And you are definitely not the one moving it.”

Mike felt the world around him go still. Was it Amir? Or had the shadow returned? His list of enemies was frustratingly long.

“Speaking of, you have a similar issue here.” She waved her hand and revealed that another gnarled piece sat on the table. He immediately recognized Leeds. “This little shit stain wants to be king of the forest. Besides fucking up the flow of my woods, he is also the reason you cannot get home and fix your problem there. Even if he tries to bargain with you, you cannot let him have this place.”

“Because he’s an asshole?”

She nodded. “That, too. He thinks he can become a Caretaker, but it’s not that simple. He wasn’t chosen, and he isn’t part of the game. All he can do is disrupt it. Putting him in charge would be like swallowing poison. If you can push him beyond my boundaries, I will see to it that he never crosses again. I’ve tasted the blood he has spilled already on my land, and I am not impressed.”

“Who chooses who becomes part of the game?” Mike felt his heart pounding in his chest. He had so many questions right now, and he didn’t know which ones to ask. He also didn’t want his head to explode.

“It’s different for all of us. You see, I call you Caretaker because that is the role you have taken on. Others like me will call their champions something else, like Curator, Captain, and even Conqueror. Each of us, in the beginning, was bonded to an entity who helped us choose. In your case, it’s a simple nymph. As the guardian of the home, she chooses.”

“Who is your guardian?”

She frowned. “There used to be a dryad who lived by the cabin, but she was killed some time ago when the cabin was captured by a competitor. It was taken again by a former Caretaker from your home, which is also why my board is part of your game now. I can never again choose my own champion. It’s a bit of a failsafe, it keeps people like me from backstabbing you.”

“Why would you backstab me?”

She grinned. “All sorts of reasons. Maybe I don’t like you. Or maybe I’m mad at my sister. However, my fate is now tied with hers, so if she dies, so do I. That reminds me.” She held out her hand and leaves swirled around it, forming into a tiny replica of Mike. He was screaming in agony, an arrow stuck in his back. “You almost died out there.”

“I know,” he said, suddenly solemn.

“No, I don’t think you do. By all rights, you should have died. I actually felt you cross over hundreds of times during that night, like the ticking of a terrible metronome. But every time, you found your way back. It was almost like something kept you here.”

He thought of the women of the Dreamscape, struggling to keep the island from being consumed. “I have some ideas,” he began.

“Don’t share them.” She held a finger to her lips. “Even though this is a sacred place, we can never be sure that someone isn’t listening in. It may even be someone sifting through your memories years from now, or your familiar’s. You’ve found yourself on a dangerous path, Caretaker, and I suspect the others will take notice of you very soon, if they haven’t already.”

“The others?” he asked, his voice cracking. He wasn’t in the mood to fight with a Conqueror.

“The other champions. But none quite like you.” He didn’t see her move, yet she was suddenly in front of him. She brushed a lock of hair away from his eyes, then traced his cheekbones with a finger. “My sister was never much of a fighter, and she doesn’t attract them. I always thought a fighter would be best, but it turns out that succeeding at the hunt doesn’t mean you can properly skin a deer.”

“Uh...” He looked at Kisa, who just shrugged. The metaphor eluded him.

“It’s your heart. The thing that makes you a good Caretaker.” She tapped on his chest. “Your compassion and kindness have brought you some very powerful allies.”

“And his dick.” Kisa sniggered behind him.

“That, too.” The woman smiled. “I always thought a nymph was an odd choice for a guardian. My sister’s methods are unique in that regard. The others choose their champions through trials of strength and wits. I, too, used to do the same, but no longer.”

“So the others are fighters.” He sighed. “Okay. Having my ass kicked is nothing new.”

“Your greatest strength is also your weakness. A heart that lends itself so easily to others is easily broken.” She reached her hand up, and a nearby tree bowed down until its branches touched her hand. With a sharp yank, she snapped off a long branch about an inch across. She turned it over in her hand and pulled a field knife from a belt on her waist. “Do you know how you make a spear, Caretaker? You first trim away the branches. Once they’re all gone, you sharpen the tip. And sometimes, when the situation calls for it, you throw it and hope to hit what you’re aiming for.”

“I suspect this is a metaphor for something?” He watched as her knife blurred over the branch, turning it into a wicked-looking spike.

She nodded. “I speak of the previous Caretaker. She cut ties with everyone who ever loved her, sharpened her resolve, and then threw her life away, hoping it would stick. She was never meant to be a fighter, and the shade of a former champion caused her to throw her spear into the darkness and lose everything.”

“Not bad for a metaphor,” Kisa muttered. “Sums up what I remember, anyway.”

“There are those who would see you become a spear, Mike Radley.” She turned the spear over in her hands, then handed it to him. The wood was oddly smooth in his hands, and felt heavier than steel. “They will try to prune your branches, to sharpen you into a weapon. I wonder what will become of you then?”

He didn’t like the implication of what pruning branches meant. With a quick snap of his wrist, he pressed the butt of the spear into the ground and put his free hand on Kisa’s shoulders.

“Think of it as a walking stick with attitude,” he told her.

“If nothing else, you will be a fun one to watch.” She was in his face again, her breath cool against his cheeks. “I shall share one more thing with you this night. I am not just a structure in the forest. I am also the ground beneath your feet and the trees around you. Your true power isn’t something that grows from within, it is also your connection with me and with others. Throw not spears in a dark wood, Mike Radley.”

She surprised him with a kiss on the lips, and then gave him a hard shove backward. While falling, he grabbed onto Kisa, who let out a cry followed by a hiss. Instead of toppling onto the hard forest floor, he landed on something soft.

Opening his eyes, he saw that Quetzalli was clutching his right arm and Yuki was asleep by his feet in fox form. Puzzled at the strange dream, he rubbed at his eyes and felt something tickle his face. In the dim light of dawn, he saw that his fingers were full of black cat hair.

There was a loud chime, followed by a pop. Beth opened her eyes and saw that she was looking at the Earth as it spun in space. Other than the moon and the sun, there were no other objects to be seen in the infinite void. Twinkling lights appeared on the planet as it rotated from day to night, and she watched in awe as mankind did its best to chase away the darkness.

Tears formed in her eyes. At this moment, she was finally able to grasp what so many astronauts had tried to convey. From this high up, all of mankind was condensed onto a single rock, tiny and insignificant compared to the vastness of the universe. The human race had accomplished great things, and could do even more if they could just learn to see beyond themselves, to look at the greater good. This planet wasn’t just her home. It was a monument to life, a cradle of—

“I cannot wait to blow this fucker up!” War appeared next to her, astride his massive horse. Flames jetted from the horse’s nostrils. “Just look at all that simmering hate! Can you feel it?”

“N ... no.”

“Oh, it’s there. You just have to know where to look.” He pointed at the Earth with his sword. “Man-made borders, dark zones to prevent spying. Way too many coffee shops. This planet is just a bundle of rage waiting to be let loose.”

Beth looked away from War, only to find herself looking at Famine on his horse.

“He isn’t wrong,” Famine informed her. “You see, those in power will spend vast amounts of money to not only hold onto their wealth, but to convince you that the other peasants are the ones to blame for your lot in life. Despite all you have in common, they will whip you into a frenzy over your differences in the hopes that you take it out on each other instead of them.”

She looked away from Famine, but now stared at Pestilence, also on a horse. Pestilence buzzed dramatically at her for almost a minute, but she didn’t understand any of it. It was clear that the last horseman was getting heated, because condensation was forming on the inside of the hazmat suit’s visor.

“Holy shit,” muttered War once Pestilence was done. “You really laid into her.”

Pestilence nodded, then gave Beth a rude gesture.

“Mankind is about to see its end.” Famine slapped his hands together greedily. “And once we’ve simulated it here, you will see it again on your Earth!”

“That is where you are wrong.” Reggie emerged from the darkness, a glittering crown of gold atop his head. Beth’s jaw dropped when she saw that he was piloting a mech suit that was nearly seven feet tall.

“Where the hell did you get that?” she asked.

“It is but a thought away, Lady Beth.” He nodded encouragingly. “Almost like magic.”

She looked down at herself and willed herself into a flowing silver gown, adorned with armor. A staff made of ivory appeared in her hands, and a cloud formed beneath her feet. Energy swirled around her and crackled between the fingers of her outstretched hand. She looked over at the horsemen, wondering if she could summon a fireball and torch them into dust.

“It’s all cosmetic,” Famine explained. “So don’t think you’re gonna pull a fast one on us.”

The void filled with the sound of creaking wood. They all turned to see a small figure emerge from the darkness, astride a rocking horse. It was Jenny, and her horse had a smile painted onto its features much like clown makeup. The paint wasn’t dry, causing the red around its mouth to dribble down like drops of blood.

Jenny giggled, but said nothing as she held onto the handlebars of her horse and rocked in place. Somehow, despite the fact that they were hovering in space, the horse continued to creak as if it was rocking on squeaky boards.

“Oh, this is going to be too fun,” War declared, then poked at Jenny with the tip of his sword.

Ouch! That hurts my feelings! Jenny sounded very much like an upset four-year-old.

“I’m going to hurt a lot more than your feelings,” War growled. “When this is all done, I’m going to rip the stuffing out of you and use you as a fuck toy.”

Beth covered her mouth in horror, half expecting Jenny to fly into a blind rage. Instead, the rocking horse retreated to a safe distance from the others.

Stay away from me, mister. Jenny’s voice was barely audible. Or I’ll tell a grown-up.

War and Famine both chuckled at the doll. Pestilence may have done the same, as the buzzing sounds coming from them sounded slightly higher in pitch. They were underestimating Jenny, which was perhaps the dumbest thing they could do.

In a flash of light, Murray now stood before them.

“This is a game of strategy,” he declared. “The rules of the game are still the same, and your corporeal forms are still sitting around the table. In here, I have created a simulacrum of the planet and everyone living on it. They are non-combatants, and will provide no in-game benefit.”

“Then why are they here at all?” Beth asked.

“You offered a game of conquest.” Murray gestured at the Earth. Golden lines made of light cut across its land, separating the planet into territories. “When you choose your territory, you may dispose of its occupants however you like. They are here purely for flavor and can provide no benefit.”

“That’s barbaric! Why can’t we just have armies or whatever?” Beth hadn’t expected Murray to replicate Earth’s population.

“That’s how conquest works, sweetheart.” War let out a loud whoop. “You see, it isn’t just about how we fight each other. It’s also about collateral damage. When we fight, you’ll get to watch people die. Even the act of occupying unclaimed territory lets us get our rocks off!”

“It is what you promised,” Famine added. “The game inside here would present itself as we see fit. And it’s what we want to see.”

Appalled, Beth looked away from them toward Reggie.

“You must harden your heart, Lady Beth.” His mech put a fist to its chest in a salute. “After all, it is family game night. And we take no prisoners.”

Tensing her jaw, she turned back to Murray. “So how does this work, exactly?”

“In the real world, you are all rolling to see who gets to go first.” Murray waved his hand and the space in front of him filled with light as it became a portal to the real world. Through it, Beth saw that she and the others were sitting at the table, their eyes glassy as they took turns rolling a single six-sided die. There must have been a tie for first, because Reggie and Famine both rolled again once everyone had a turn.

“Oh, shit,” she muttered when a golden light appeared over Famine’s head. If she remembered right, play would proceed to the left, which meant War and Pestilence would get a turn before Jenny did. If the three of them were coordinating at all, it would give them an opening advantage.

“Ah, let’s see!” Famine slapped his hands together and looked at the Earth. It rotated once every few seconds, allowing them to see every available territory. The world stopped moving and they descended almost instantly to hover over South America.

Of course. Australia and South America only had four territories apiece, making them the easiest to conquer. Owning a continent gave a player extra troops at the start of their turn. The word Peru appeared in golden letters across the western side of the continent.

“It’s go time!” Famine declared, and they were now on the ground. Beth looked around, curious about their destination. They were in a large city, teeming with people.

“Lima,” War informed her. People were milling about a city filled with both old and modern structures, some taking in the distant mountain views while others went about their day with nary a care.

Dark shadows swirled along the ground before bursting forth from the soil beneath. Horrific beings made of teeth and claws tore into the local populace, spraying the streets with blood.

“What the hell are those things?” Beth recoiled as one came near her.

“The Hunger.” Famine grinned. “Made them myself.”

Aghast, Beth watched as Famine’s shadow troops formed after devouring the people of Lima. As their screams quieted, the group shifted back into space so suddenly that Beth felt her head spin.

“My turn!” War cackled and pointed his sword at the Earth. Their viewpoint shifted slightly, and the words Central America appeared across Mexico. When they zoomed in, they were standing on the beaches of Cozumel.

Tourists on the beach began screaming when men emerged from the sea wearing high-tech ballistic gear and firing guns. War’s soldiers could easily be men from any continent, and their liberal use of bullets and explosives turned the beach into a bloody mess. War himself joined in, cleaving people in half as he ran them down.

Beth turned away and held her ears, doing her best to fight back tears. In her head, she knew none of this was real, but she could easily distinguish the anguished cries of men, women, and children as their beach vacation was turned into a blood bath. War’s turn seemed extraordinarily long, and by the time it was over, she found that her ears were ringing from the sounds of violence.

Back above the planet, she watched Pestilence pick North Africa. Down on the surface, Pestilence unzipped their hazmat suit, releasing ominous yellow pollen. People dusted with it grabbed at their heads in agony until large fungal colonies burst from their eyes. Instead of wiping out the locals, Pestilence made them into an army of zombies that groaned in agony as they were controlled by their new hosts.

It was Reggie’s turn next. He looked over at her, his whiskers twitching in anticipation.

“Where should I pick?” he asked.

She didn’t know, and wasn’t sure she could even formulate an answer. The number of atrocities she had seen in the last few hours was more than any human could endure, and she now saw the trap the horsemen had laid out for her. How could she distance herself from the macabre scene below?

“Lady Beth?” Reggie moved close and made his mech kneel so that he could reach out and touch her face. “These horrid visions will be the truth of tomorrow if we do not act today.”

Shivering, she looked at the map again. The horsemen had deliberately picked countries that would block them from taking South America. If Reggie chose Brazil or Venezuela, he would be vulnerable on two fronts. It was clear that the horsemen wanted Famine to take South America and gain a troop advantage.

Could they do something similar with Australia? She looked at the map and frowned. Or was that what the horsemen wanted of her? The troop advantage would help, but it would put her in a bad spot.