Chapter 5: The Innovative Marriage

Joe led Ryan out of the graduate studies building and they started their walk across the middle of campus towards the undergraduate dormitories. They adopted a slow pace since the purpose was to walk and talk, but without a destination.

Joe began, “First off, you need to know my base of experience in what you asked. I was a conservative nerd through college. I finished a few years early and went to grad school where my interest in computers expanded to include a fascination with all aspects of innovation. I wrote a paper that received wide acclaim and got me an invitation to speak and teach on a post-doctoral fellowship at Cambridge in England. While there, at age twenty-two, I met Marjorie. We instantly bonded and married a year later. We had a child right away, Emma, who you’ll probably meet in a week or so when she visits from the University of Chicago where she’s attending.

“Marjorie was about as conservative as I was. We weren’t daring or prone to risky behavior, except she moved to America to be with me. She was also pregnant when we actually married, although that wasn’t the reason why.

“Through twenty years of marriage we were the stereotypical couple. We were faithful and never strayed. Part of that was lack of opportunity and part of it was wisdom telling us to stay together.

“Until ... a little over a week ago, Katie and Morgan, the first to move in, decided to get daring at the pool one evening. There was nudity and a lot of kissing and touching. My mind was a jumble, but Marjorie seemed to take to it like a duck to water. She continued while I was on a trip and things escalated as others moved into the house, and the making out around the pool continued and intensified within the larger group. Some actual sex started between the others, too; I’m to understand.

“I returned from my business trip last Friday. I’d done a lot of thinking and Marjorie had, too. She was ahead of me, and wanted to become way more physical with everybody, especially the men in the house. We talked quite a bit, and that was exactly the result. We engaged heavily with others, as did they. The doors opened.

“Marjorie and I talked a lot since, testing whether we want to continue – and we do. There are probably many reasons, but we feel very comfortable and stable in our marriage, yet seek the excitement the extramarital sex provides. Of course, my job is at risk, but given my finances, connections, and situation, I could move on and still thrive, as would Marjorie. One of the most jarring and simultaneously arousing moments in my life was watching her start to have intercourse with one of the young men. I’d do it again and again, and I hopefully will.

“Now, tell me about your situation.”

Ryan nodded and began, “I found computers fascinating and also robots. I went to University of Texas in Austin in computer science, but got to play with the bots. I met Valentine when she was a freshman and I was a sophomore. We clicked. My junior year we got an apartment together and, for all intents and purposes, became a serious couple. The sex was and is amazing. She seems insatiable, but wholly devoted to me as I am to her. We eventually wed six years ago. I’m twenty-nine and she’s twenty-eight. She studied business and as I got a job with Robotix she graduated and got one with ReMax. She does all right with her work, and I hope some of Marjorie’s expertise rubs off on her.

“I got propositioned by the troika I mentioned in your office, and invited to participate. I talked more to Val about it and she seems interested but concerned, as I am and as I mentioned.”

Joe said, “Here’s some philosophy about relationships that came up in the discussions that Marjorie and I shared over the past week or so. You’ve had a monogamous marriage so far, but have you ever heard of Consensual Nonmonogamy or CNM? There are obviously other models for a marriage than the standard man-woman, two kids, dog, hamster, and so on. I think only fourteen percent of marriages fit that model. People get divorces, there are gay marriages, group marriages, threesome, foursomes, and more-somes with every mix you can imagine. Sex can have a role or not. The government and various churches set aside, there’s no ‘right’ model. Be innovative in your thinking and how you live.

“Marjorie and I have always resisted judging others, especially about their relationships and sex. We have a mantra; ‘consenting adults can do whatever they want about sex ... or relationships. What they decide may change over time, too; thus, what worked for us for the past two decades may not work for us for this one or the next one, and then we’ll likely change again. We need to be flexible and adaptive to the situations we find ourselves in and to what makes us happy.

“I know that if one of us wanted to change the other would adapt from that point on. So, if Marjorie wanted to stop, I would too, or vice versa. That’s one of our safety valves if we feel the sex – or whatever is going on – is getting out of hand. We’ve been explicit about that.

Ryan said, “So, you’re willing to now share your wife with others?”

“There a sexist statement, if I ever heard one. Neither Marjorie nor I possess or own the other. She is her own person, and decides what she’ll do and not do with her body, as do I. In the overlap between the two of us, we consult and test to be sure we won’t poke the other’s eye out with a decision, such as the one you’re facing, but we’re not being possessive or being possessed. You might say we look for consensus. I could easily tell her to enjoy the sex with others, and not partake. Other’s may interpret that as me ‘giving permission’, but I don’t own her or direct her behavior. I admit that we strongly influence each other.

“Going with being non-possessive is a goal we each have to be non-manipulative. Neither of us play games to surreptitiously force the other into some form of action. If anything, we can be too blunt at times about what we want to have happen. We may leave hints or clues, but we’re always open for discussion and a change of mind, especially after hearing the other’s viewpoint.

“One decision in front of you is whether to move from exclusive to non-exclusive. It’s a little more binary unlike the possessiveness. You are either exclusive or you aren’t – kind of like being pregnant or not. Do you think that you or Valentine becoming non-exclusive will hurt your marriage? What exactly will happen? Will the fun and erotic nature of the non-exclusive episodes outweigh the negative feelings. Oh, yes, could you return to being exclusive if you find that being non-exclusive isn’t working for either of you? Put another way, will having sex with others devalue your marriage or will it be so much fun that you both want to continue?

“Going with that are other questions, some rhetorical. How will you feel watching Valentine with another man? What if she professes some degree of affection or love for him – or her? What if there is more than one man in either of those situations? What if you saw her with another woman or women in a sexual situation? How would you feel watching her in a daisy chain eating out and getting eaten out by other girls in the house?

“Marjorie raised a point about being able to compartmentalize. She’s good at that. She has compartments for me, our daughter, her work, and so on. She thought she’d put all the fun going on at the house in a new compartment. That way it won’t interfere with us or our marriage, and so on. I’m not sure I or other people can do that as well as she can.

“I also had a thought about the longevity of what’s going on. The Colburn 14 have all signed on for a two-year program. At the end of two years, we’ll likely scatter to the four corners of the globe. Things we’ve just started will likely end or take on a new life about then, especially if some of the group choose to continue to live together. For two years, you and Valentine might want to declare that anything goes; this is our time to experiment and try new and really different things – such as sex with others. Eventually, from your point of view, I assume you’ll head back to Austin with a lot of nice memories and you can redefine the relationship back to what it was before you reached Harbridge College or redefine it to be anything you want.”

Ryan was thoughtful, and Joe was quiet for quarter-mile as they walked through one of the student parking lots to the edge of the campus before turning back towards the main building area.

Joe said, “A lot of marriages end up with boundaries surrounding each person and the marriage in total. The boundaries address behaviors you’ll tolerate, up to that point. In the past, I might have tolerated Marjorie flirting but not getting really physical with a member of the opposite sex. Another boundary might have been my tolerance for her being in an intimate same-sex relationship.

“When I’m talking to an executive team about innovation, I find that many boundaries have been placed around the organization – some intentional and others not – they evolve implicitly. They restrict behavior and hence cut off innovation. We do the same with our interpersonal relationships. Ask yourself whether you have the boundaries you want, and whether you’re willing to move them or toss them away? Do you need to set new ones?

Ryan nodded, “I like that model and also the idea that this is a two-year experiment.”

Joe spoke, “Just realize that having sex with others will change your relationship in unpredictable ways. You can’t go back and pretend you didn’t do it – or un-see something you did together. You need to talk it out beforehand, if you can.

“Can you really talk to your wife or do you have subjects that you can’t talk about? This is the time to put those topics out on the table and examine them. Communications is paramount as you get into outside relationships. Without it, you’ll each make up stories about the other and what they’re thinking that may not be true and that may be damaging to the relationship.”

“Such as?” Ryan asked.

“Do you trust each other? Will you continue to trust if you start having sex with others? She’s at work all day, but what does she think you’re doing when you’re not in class? Fucking away your free time with the other women in Colburn House? Or what do you think she’s doing, having sex with some hot guy she’s showing a house to? Those are just two examples.”

“Shit, that could be going on now.”

“But you trust and communicate, so I’m guessing that you don’t worry about it. One way to stop that being a concern is to eliminate that boundary or redefine it. Would you ever say to her, ‘Someday I’m sure you’ll meet a guy in your work who turns you on and who you’d like to have sex with; if you want to have a roll in the hay with him, it’s fine with me. I hope you’ll tell me about it later – it would turn me on.’”

“Wow, I see what you mean. Then if it happens, I’ve already told her I won’t get my nose out of joint. She could just go and have fun. She could even turn me on with the details later. More importantly, I wouldn’t be worried that she was cheating in some way.”

There are other things you could say. How about, ‘If you meet somebody at work that turns you on, I hope you’d share that with me. Either I or one of the other men in Colburn House could help square off with you and trim your horns.’ In other words, don’t screw around at work, bring it home and play with somebody we already know and approve of.”

“What’d you and Marjorie do?”

Joe laughed, “We haven’t had this part of the discussion. I never thought of the issue until this walk. In fact, talking to you has given me an idea for an entirely different kind of book – working title, The Innovative Marriage. You’re here at the start of an idea that I’m sure will take root. There’s an old book that is excellent entitled Open Marriage, but my idea is different and more contemporary.”

“An open marriage means each party can have sex with others?”

“An erroneous extension of the title. Plato quoted Socrates by saying, ‘The unexamined life is not worth living.’ The book Open Marriage was along that same theme, only about a person’s primary relationships. Every aspect should be open and examined. There was no foregone conclusion in the book that sex was included, except as one of many possible options a couple might choose. You could go either way or not at all. The authors wanted readers to examine all the important aspects of their relationship – the things we’ve just been talking about – and openly and explicitly agree on them. If sex is included, fine. If sex with others is excluded, that’s fine, too.”

Ryan shook his head, “How will I ever remember all of this to tell Valentine?”

Joe thought a moment, “Join us for dinner. Let HER ask the questions she wants. Marjorie will be there to give her perspective, as will I ... and you.”

“You sure?”

“Well, she and I were planning a little celebration this evening that I’m sure your wife, being in real estate, will appreciate. We were doing drinks and dinner out because Marjorie closed a BIG deal today. We’ve been lucky in that she’s had one or two a month. Valentine will understand. Join us and share the happiness. Our treat, too.”

Ryan was happy. “We will. I’ll call Val when I get back to the house.”

Later, Joe also texted Marjorie about the additions for dinner and the reason why. He knew she’d love the additions and relish reasons why. She liked mentoring and helping people reach tough decisions, and also liked the young couple. He also knew they were in excellent alignment about where they were in their marriage and why, even with the recent additions and extensions that included sex.

Joe happened to run into Jason on the walk back to Colburn house. He told him in general about talking to Ryan and the impending dinner. Jason told Joe to ‘make the ‘sale’.

The upscale restaurant the two couples went for dinner was Marlo’s, just off the town square in the beautiful and picturesque New England town of Dillon. The atmosphere in the restaurant was romantic, but also festive to celebrate among the four a tough sale that Marjorie had worked to make happen for over a month.