Chapter 10: A hero, a priest, and a madman walk into a bar

“The Order of Holy Knights, the militant arm of the Holy Church of the Chief God,” Scipio explained.

“Chief? Did you hold an election or something?” Bill asked.

“Well, no. There are lesser deities. The Chief God, who I was taught created the world and all we know presides over them,” Scipio explained.

“Huh, probably a whole infestation of divinities we’re going to have to deal with. Don’t expect they’ll be too happy with any of this shit we’re doing,” Bill grumbled.

He perked up then.

“Say, any morally gray trickster gods around? Maybe we can work something out, be nice to have friends in unexpected places,” Bill asked, his tone hopeful.

“Hm, none that I was ever taught. I have come to the conclusion that my education was very one-sided, in any case. Clearly the world is not so black and white as the Holy Church would have us believe,” Scipio said, waving to indicate those present and then towards the private house they were forced to have the meeting in front of.

“Fuck! Marcus! Do that again! Oh fuck! Fuck yes!” Teresa screamed.

The window was beginning to fog over.

Asylum’s lunatics currently running the place were standing and seated around the war room desk. They’d been forced to haul it to the very inconvenient location in front of the small house that contained their new guests. All of Bill’s closest friends were present, and several concerned citizens were gawking from a safe distance.

Cyrus’s incredible ability to keep his cowardly hide intact had very convincingly faked what looked like a truly debilitating disease to avoid what could possibly be a very dangerous place to hold a meeting. Bill almost believed him until he’d begun to look nervous at the suggestion Helena should see him. Bill could well appreciate the man’s desire to avoid danger, more so the lengths he went to achieve it. He left the coughing wheezing mess to cheerfully count what he truly believed was all the gold currently left in the town once more.

The goblins had put him to shame, so reported the paranoid sergeant he’d recruited to spy on them. He expected they’d soon have a dragon joining them once it smelled that hoard. The man wasn’t certain where they were keeping it, yet. Or where they had gotten it all. He was sure they must be fleecing every new arrival in some way. His next plan was to stake out the gates, they could possibly be committing tax fraud.

If the sergeant were not the psychic he appeared to be, he must own a mutated sense organ which could detect whatever subtle radiation mischief gave off, and Bill trusted his suspicions completely. Bill knew such a hard-working order-craving anatomical marvel as the sergeant contained would have strangled him in the womb. He was careful not to cause the useful man too much discomfort, they mostly communicated through intermediaries. The man could not get any work done when he was around.

“Well, if there is one of those smug bastards roaming about causing trouble I’m sure they’ll find us. Not sure if they could stop themselves. If someone shows up that is even half as confusing as I am, send them my way. Anyone you think is mad and harmless, usually that’s the trickster god,” Bill explained helpfully.

“Sure you’re not it?” Larry asked, not certain if he was joking.

Bill’s face grew thoughtful then. Larry’s taunting grin grew slightly strained while he waited for him to answer.

“It would explain a lot, wouldn’t it? Not that I know of, but maybe that’s part of my trick,” Bill replied, rubbing his chin thoughtfully.

He wouldn’t put it past someone like Coyote. Maybe just some grinning heyoka. Loki was probably too busy enjoying the resurgence of his faith. Anansi would fit right in, Bill was sure if this was all some prank the spider had at least one of his eight hands in this.

“Guess it doesn’t matter, we won’t know until the joke’s over. Remember to tell me you called it, and not act surprised if I start floating in the air and laughing or something,” Bill said soberly, pointing at Larry.

“That’d show me,” Bill declared, certain he’d lose that smug grin of his when that skinny shit took the wind out of his sails. It’d be a pretty neat trick to trick himself, then have a hand in ruining the reveal.

He was sure Larry would come through for him, whoever he was.

The others traded uncomfortable looks until Rekka jabbed her elbow into him where she sat on Bill’s lap.

“Ow.”

“That ain’t funny. Yer just you, an’ you know it,” Rekka scolded.

“Course I am. Just don’t you think I won’t be taking you with me when I return to my rightful place among the gods,” Bill replied, hugging her tight as she giggled.

He believed it. It wouldn’t be a good trick otherwise, and his were the best.

“Speaking of which, gods and such. Something’s been on my mind for a while. That girl, she’s an angel, valkyrie, whatever. You have other angels flying around here? You were surprised to see her, but it was more about the threat she represented than the rarity. Any other angel type people running around?” Bill asked.

“Well, certainly. They are not seen often, of course, quite rare in fact. Still, it is not unexpected. Most people will have only seen them when The Order is assisted by them on particularly difficult missions. They’re not quite as militant as what you’ve seen but still quite powerful. Valkyrie’s are only sent to train heroes, and far rarer,” Scipio explained.

“So they are fairly well known, then? Now, valkyries are pretty famously known from my own world to all be women. Ever seen a boy angel flyin’ around killing pretty women?” Bill asked.

Scipio’s face grew very thoughtful at that, puffing at his pipe while holding his chin. At last he looked at Bill.

“No. I have ... Never. How strange. Certainly there must be some about, but ... Never. They are always maidens, as far as any story or report that I have been told or read,” Scipio replied.

“Yeah, something tells me you wont. Guessing that inquisition of yours would hate for their congregations to figure that one out,” Bill said, listening to innocent obscenities filter out from the now completely fogged over window.

He could only make out shuddering jerky movements now, and it was somehow far more obscene. Seeing Teresa clearly managed to make the lewd acts far less lewd. Could be any other house around here now. They’d need to post a sign so no mistakes were made. He didn’t need some drunk mamono wandering in and tucking herself into bed with them. There was only a slight chance that would improve the situation, and he didn’t feel lucky enough to risk any of these women. Maybe liquor Larry up and get him a wig.

“What? No. Surely you jest,” Scipio said.

The others were confused, looking between the two of them waiting for an explanation. Bill sighed, rubbing Rekka’s back.

“That Demon Lord must be powerful as shit. We’re way out of our weight class here. Have the feeling we’re going to start attracting some real unwanted attention,” Bill muttered. He looked at the others, shocking them with his unusually serious expression.

“I’m thinking this goes way beyond what she did to your ancestors. The gods that weren’t goddesses before probably sure the fuck are now. Hell, I’m betting her stupid fucking spell targetted absolutely everything that wasn’t boring ass human or non-magically bullshit animal. Shit, I bet my Merlin is probably a Merlina. Doubt there are any warlocks roaming around being creepy bastards with bad facial hair. Exposing that secret to the light of day is going to make us a whole pantheon of enemies,” Bill explained.

He was just betting she’d just flung that magic of hers in the biggest net available, told it to target beings containing magical fucking bullshit and called it a day. Bill was a lazy piece of shit, but he might have found someone unwilling to bother giving him a run for his money.

Scipio sat down heavily next to Sarah, placing his shaking hand over hers. His orderly worldview he had only just managed to put into its new but far more pleasing configuration was the victim of Bill’s gleefully careless intuition, it would be better to start over. Discovering he was wrong about the mamono did not come close to this revelation. If anyone but those of his closest friends told him the sky was blue, he would damn well check to be certain.

Unless it was Bill, of course. He would send dependable veteran scouts to verify, and keep an eye on any suspicious clouds. Whatever surprises came, he could at the very least expect a surprise.

Bill would be pleased Scipio had learned so much from him.

“Hah, fucking A. You wanted to drive a tank at a lady able to turn Zeus into Zeusette? Gonna have to sit down with my dwarfs and hammer out a hydrogen bomb, maybe that would get her attention,” Larry said, shaking his head. “Fuck, maybe we should just fuck off to some quiet place and raise our families in peace.”

“No, surely the Chief God was not affected,” Scipio said, trying to retain some sanity. It was a vain hope, he was sure. Bill was untrustworthy in a very comforting way, but his intuition was tragically dependable if the news it brought would bring ruin to someone. He simply hoped Bill could direct that ill-fortune elsewhere. This was one of the few things the man could be trusted to attempt.

“Yeah? Why hasn’t “He” come down and sorted this out? Where is that lazy fucker?” Bill asked, stopping to scratch at his back. Rekka turned around to take over for him, causing him to groan with pleasure and hold her tighter a moment before continuing, scratching behind her ears in return. Teamwork made the dream work.

“Bet he only talks to your pope or what the fuck, right? Can’t have just any asshole talking to the Almighty. Need the right hat for that sort of thing. No, I’m betting if there was a guy that created this world or whatever, he’s long since fucked off and now you’ve got a squabbling buch of demi-fucks and a super powerful she-devil fighting over this ball of mud.”

“Impossible! Your proof is right there, her voice carried very well to us when you managed to drag that oath out of her, I assure you. Her oath would be meaningless, one of you would be dead. Her powers come from Him. She would certainly know if He no longer watched over us,” Scipio stated, waving at the vague outline of what seemed to be a man’s ass thrusting heroically through the fogged over window.

“Don’t think too hard about that oath of hers, why it works is probably more confusing than figuring out an oath that won’t backfire. That one I dragged out of her is pretty good, but I’m sure some smartass with a thesaurus would trample all over the spirit of the law in record speed. That’s pretty much what I did putting it together,” Bill explained.

It did worry him. He really had spent too much time thinking about finding a magic lamp. All of the wishes he decided might be reasonably safe to try involved getting rid of the damn thing. He’d rather be on the inside of one of those lamps if he had to choose. Despite what the genies thought of their imprisonment, Bill could have had quite a decent life ruining the lives of everyone who rubbed him the wrong way.

“As for her knowing her god is up there being the most depraved voyeur this reality ever spawned? I could manage that trick in about five minutes if no one spotted me climbing Mount Olympus. There’s a bunch of gods running around. One of them sees an empty chair and a red phone, first one there gets to wear the big hat. It’s all curtains and booming voices after that,” Bill explained, certain he was onto something.

Larry was the only one that even slightly understood that, and as usual he skipped right over fear and straight to pissed the fuck off.

Bill and the paranoid sergeant were very nearly polar opposites, but they would agree they shared a similar talent. They were both very good at finding trouble.

The slimy noxious organ hiding somewhere within Bill’s body, dodging x-rays and supplying him with all the prophetic cynicism he would ever need was elbowing some less useful organ neither of them had bothered to study in order to get his attention. Most people didn’t have one, only the most insolent and insufferable bastards managed to supply one of those with the bitter nutrients they craved long enough to make use of them.

Bill’s had grown to its adult size the moment his kindergarten teacher began to explain how much more fun it would be to play with numbers instead of blocks. Slightly earlier, in fact. He’d seen the look in her eyes as she gathered up those awful books.

Bill patted affectionately the area on his body he believed it might be skulking, but knew it was far too cunning for that.

Scipio took a moment to filter Bill’s eccentric way of speaking through his insanity translator, now filled with many post-it notes and loose pieces of paper. His eyes widened.

“What? Are you saying the Chief God of the Holy Church is ... an imposter?”

“Maybe. It’d be pretty fucked up if it was true, so, probably. Not what I’d do in a god’s place, but a dumb one who means well might. They’re probably thinking, hey, just keep doing things like the old boss was doing. Maybe everything will turn out right and the world keeps spinning. With them at the top. If they were, y’know, not dumb as bricks and power hungry this could have all been sorted out,” Bill answered, shrugging.

“Just explain it, fuckhead. Remember, our brains work right,” Larry snapped, not happy that even the gods were as stupid as the rest of the assholes they’d run into.

“I’m thinking the whole reason we’ve come this far is because everyone has been playing the same old game for a very long time. Whoever is playing Chief God doesn’t know what they’re doing. Could be they want to help, maybe, but they don’t know how to do it without fucking things up. If they try anything new and do fuck up, who knows when Daddy is coming back and how drunk He’ll be when He does. So they’re just running everything like he left it. The rest of the pantheon is probably just happy they’re not in charge, no reason to go find out why the boss has been acting odd, might mean more work for them,” Bill explained.

“Now, if these sort-of-gods were living up to their titles they’d have picked someone to lead, written up a new mission statement and started fixing up this mess. Or killed each other until only the most vicious back stabbing cheat was left standing on a pile of winged corpses. Either way there’d be a chance that someone competent was in charge,” he finished.

Bill went quiet, hoping he was wrong but cynical enough to know he could be right.

His other theory was worse. When he kicked in the door at the emerald palace and found some skeleton behind the curtain he’d drag Rekka back to Earth and forget he ever heard of this shitty reality.

If God was so terrible the rest of the people who worked for Him refused to go check on Him ... Just happy He was quiet. Still so afraid of Him they worried He might not really be gone, so they’d better just keep at it like everything was normal.

Anyone involved in that after this long would likely be too insane to be of any help.

That would be a nightmare, and he’d keep it to himself and his angry throbbing cynical organ

Bill was going to need to meet his Merlina real fucking soon, if only to get these people out of this reality as quickly as he could possibly shake enough portals out of that helpful minx.

“Christ, I don’t even know how to sort that out. Pretty sure all the people I could ask or try to warn would have way too many reasons to kill me, and that news would just add heresy to the list.”

“Fuck it. We’ll table bitch-slapping sense into all powerful deities for now. What’s this Order mean for us? Buncha knights on horses?” Bill asked.

“ ... yes, sorry. Of course,” Scipio replied, still reeling from the possibility that God had taken a vacation and one of His glue-eating underachiever colleagues was at the controls.

“We’ll have to confirm with the harpy, of course, but I believe it will not be a large contingent. Clearly they knew the hero was coming here, and are only enroute to ... clean up any survivors hiding in the rubble,” Scipio stated. “Heavily armed and armored templars as well as mounted paladins. A priest as well, one is nearly always part of an Order mission. It all depends on how much ... faith they had in the hero’s abilities.”

“Shit. Probably have the whole church parked outside our gates. Wonderboy still had his training wheels on,” Bill said, sighing.

“Bill. I’m not sure you fully understand the magnitude of what you accomplished here today,” Scipio stated, his voice serious, looking around the table at the others, unsure how to make Bill understand.

“What?” Bill asked with concern. He sure hoped Scipio wasn’t going to tell him these fuckers were worse than the hero. If so, they were leaving. They’d just run and run as Sarah’s extremely wise mommy had instructed. He was trying to figure out exactly how much swearing it would require explaining this to them when Scipio interrupted his thoughts.

“I, we, everyone expected to die on that wall. In the unlikely event those two were taken down by force of arms the casualties would have been ... traumatic. I would not be very surprised if it were a single Order unit. Perhaps two mounted knights and a squad of heavy infantry with a priest, eight men, nine at the most. When the news of this reaches the capital and the Holy Church, this news will be met with disbelief and ridicule. They will not take it seriously until it can be confirmed by trusted sources. I have difficulty believing it myself.”

Sciptio looked to the others for support, those who knew of Marky’s ilk. They nodded agreement, frustrating Bill to no end. His heart would have broken had Rekka followed suit.

Her careless shrug before snuggling into him relieved him to no end. Clearly she understood what he’d accomplished.

A cheapshot on an ignorant bully. Sure, he was a pretty big bully, but it was a really cheap shot. He needed these people to understand they could do this sort of shit too. The immutable facts of life were merely guidelines to be ignored. He’d taught that very clearly to Marcus.

He knew he couldn’t solve everything by breaking someone’s nose, but there was an action that would be the equivalent for any problem that cropped up. If there wasn’t, he’d just make one up on the spot and have Scipio write it down for the next time.

“More proof this place is just spinning its wheels. When some prick nobody from another world can show up and suckerpunch a guy you all seem to think was some unstoppable force of nature then something is rotten to the core,” Bill said.

He stood then, gently placing Rekka onto her feet, pausing to smile down at her lovingly. He turned his head and looked at everyone until he was sure he had their attention.

“Let me explain something to you all that only Larry knows. I am not good at this, not really. None of this should have worked. You’re smarter than me, Scipio, there’s no reason I should have been able to fool you like I did. The only reason any of this has worked is because the way I think is completely unexpected. A lot of shit has happened in our world, a lot of crazy things have happened, and crazier ideas have been thrown out there. I’ve got thousands of years of history and fiction to weaponize.”

Larry broke in, “Shit, I wouldn’t say you’re bad at it. I’d like to. You’re pretty fucking weird to me too, man.” He looked Bill over, hardly able to believe this big fucking redneck was so far succesfully leading an insurrection. He waved an arm up and down at Bill, more than a little angry at the ridiculous circumstances he and Tabby had found themselves.

“You might actually be insane. You’re way too cool under pressure, they’re right what you did today. It’s not just the way you think, it’s that you can follow through. No way just anyone would be doing this, even if they thought they were capable of it. If it was just me and Tabby we’d be a hundred miles away from this shitshow. You’re over here putting an assault on heaven on the to-do list. If you’re normal maybe we’re from different Earths,” Larry finished.

“Huh. That could be true. Who’s the President of Mars where you come from?” Bill asked, sounding innocently curious.

“Fuck you, dude,” Larry snapped, his eyes narrowing. He’d nearly fallen for it.

“Yeah, everyone knows they’ve got a monarchy. Anyway, what I was trying to say is that I knew what that idiot was going to do before he did. The only one with a clue out there was the sword, and predictably Wonderboy ignored him. You saw him standing out there, Larry. He was probably there for hours waiting for someone to actually notice him. I bet that angel started flying just to hurry the process along. How did you expect him to act?”

“Yeah, I get you, he’s fucking Galahad. He’s a boy scout. He’s Captain Fucking America. Doesn’t mean I’d be able to do a damn thing about it. I know for fucking sure I’m smarter than you, man. You’re still thinking circles around me. There’s got to be a very laughably small number of people in this universe that would have been dumb enough to climb down that rope,” he snarled out, glaring at this fucking guy that could dare believe any of these decent people could follow in his suicidal for anyone but him footsteps. He didn’t stop there.

“Even knowing how starry eyed and trusting that fucker was. Knowing he’d just be fucking asking for it. Fucking so wide open and begging for that thick fucking skull of yours to cave in that dumb fucking nose of his. Of that handful of dumb-fuck brave nutjobs, exactly you would give it a go,” Larry ranted at Bill, pointing his finger accussingly. “These people? You’re goddamned right they don’t understand a damn bit of how you managed to do that. I sure as fuck only understand why it might have been possible. You have to be able to process this. I’ve been around your ass too long, you’re not that dumb, you’re probably not that brave, I pray you’re not that insane because these people need you to be stable for them.”

Bill was impressed. Larry being pissed off was pretty much his factory setting. He’d managed to find the turbo button.

“Yeah, yeah man. Believe me, I know how you’re seeing this. If you had this stupid magical bullshit strength, you could have done this too. You could have done it even better. Just have walked up to him and say “Why hello, guy who think’s he’s Captain Fucking America and doesn’t have a clue what this shiny contraption I’m holding does. Would you mind taking a close look into this worryingly wide if-only-you-knew hole for me? Won’t take a second, we can sort this whole mess out.”

Bill looked hard at Larry, holding up his hand to keep him from interrupting.

“Like I said, you’re not seeing what I saw, that idiot didn’t have all my attention you know. There was also this angry little shit standing on that wall next to the woman he loved holding his stupid gun. He was holding that stupid amazing weapon and staring down that literal fucking angel just absolutely aching for her to get in range of his widely inaccurate but incredibly, nigh-hysterically, potent cannon. That stupid bastard could not contain the desire to show her exactly why she should not have fucking come here and picked a fight with people she could never know were so much better and far, far fucking more dangerous than her self-righteous ass and her repulsively strong boyfriend,” Bill said calmly. “That guy really can’t see how I did what I did?”

“Christ. Is that what I was doing?” Larry whispered, feeling dazed. Until Bill said it out loud he hadn’t realized he was standing on that wall, waiting. Just wishing for that flying fuck to get into range. He’d tag her, that’s all it would take ... just give her a little bit of the horrible shit he’d loaded into his baby. How dare that shiny pigeon decide Tabby was worth killing, just walk up to her home and decide she was evil without a second thought. That they were so self-evidently good.

He looked up into the face of the woman he loved, seeing those parts of her he couldn’t remember why he had found strange once. He knew others often had trouble understanding what she was feeling, and remembered it had been the case for him at one time but it was a mystery to him now. Her ears, her tail, the way she carried herself with absolute fucking confidence, and sometimes so sweetly self-conscious. He was sure someone who didn’t know her would assume Tabby was just looking at him. She couldn’t have been more obviously telling him how proud, so happy to have him with her. Here, and back on the wall where she expected to lose him. She could have been leading a parade in his honor, and it wouldn’t have equaled the small sweet smile that she bestowed on him. A rare but oh so beautiful gift for him. Just for him. He smiled back, understanding Bill far better than he ever thought he would.

That fucking redneck was just too hard to pin down. Whenever he was dead certain Bill was a certifiably insane con-artist doing his best to get them all killed ... that fucker would explain how Larry was no better than him. It was fucking insufferable.

“Yeah ... yeah, I guess I can see how you managed,” Larry muttered. He hated it when Bill was right, much less admitting it to him.

“I knew you’d get there. You think Scipio couldn’t do it? You think Sarah or Tabitha, you expect Rekka couldn’t fucking manage to better my stupid fucking thick skull? One way or another, they can do it, and far better than me,” Bill declared, smiling at his friends he was sure had almost zero clue what he and Larry were arguing about. He’d get them on the right course eventually. He’d probably have to break a few more noses before he figured out the right teaching method, but he’d get them there.

“The only thing stopping them was they saw him as a Hero. A legendary warrior who’s kind have managed so many terrible things, an absolutely unstoppable killing machine with no mercy, and perfectly over-engineered to counter them. It was a truly awful sight and I will cry tears of joy the day they see what we see, see how much of a sadly hilarious played out joke that guy really is,” Bill continued, winking at Sarah. He figured she’d be the first one to show him she was catching on. She was a very attentive student, and far smarter than him.

Bill was certain if he’d been born in this world he would indeed just be some nobody from nowhere. Sarah was leading a barbarian raiding party, which would have been wildly successful if Larry hadn’t been brought here and butterfly-effected the fuck out of her world. In his world she’d be President of Mars, no question. That other prick wouldn’t have stood a chance, no matter how popular his promise was to destroy the Earth. He just knew it. He’d tell Larry that with a straight face later, see if the snippy little shit just fucking exploded.

“Then I can stop doing a damn thing and relax. Only thing I really have going here is I knew how to get that oh-so-fucking-satisfying sucker punch from this wall, and get it invited in for an intimate chat. What do you know, G.I. Joe wasn’t talking out its ass. Knowing is half the battle. I’ve got the knowing, and you better believe we can find more than half of a battle to shove in behind it.”

“Still think you’re fucking crazy. Let’s gather these people up and head south until we find a beach.”

“Nah, I hear the beaches up north are better,” Bill replied, smiling at his friends and running his hands lovingly through Rekka’s hair.

“Anyway, the main point I was trying to make, before we got sidetracked by how crazy I am, and how equally crazy Larry is, you all heard him. Fucker was on that wall with some contraption staring at a flying lady. Sorry man, had to say it. Anyway, here’s my fucking point...” Bill laughed, grinning at Larry who was likely going to be the man that killed him some day. No one would convict, he must have deserved it somehow. Shaking his head, Bill got to the damn point.

“For a very long time nothing has changed here. The only thing, the absolutely only event that stands out from your history that I have learned is the current Demon Lord fucking things up. Just a series of wars and recovery, and now a very long battle for existence. I’ve talked to people about this here, this kingdom has been around for what sounds like thousands upon thousands of years. If you traveled back a few hundred years it would take you a helluva while to figure out what happened. If me and Larry went back ten years in our world we’d freak the fuck out in about five minutes,” Bill said, recieving a sharp nod from Larry.

“There has been literally zero progress. I understand why, don’t get me wrong, it is not your fault. If I could toss you over to my world you’d be settled in and bitching at people over the internet in about three months,” Bill told them with absolute honesty, an assertive nod of agreement from Larry backing him up. At one point they had spent a while trying to explain the internet to them, they understood that it was something wildly amazing but equally mundane. Bill had done most of the explaining.