Chapter 1: A man is transported to a world of monstergirls.

There was a portal floating serenely above the pavement between the sidewalk and roadway.

No one was paying it any attention as it swirled with pulsing colors, openly mocking reality.

No one, that is, except the young man who stood gaping at it from the doorway of a convenience store he’d just stepped from.

Bill had stopped for a quick bite before heading to finish his shift at the warehouse down the street. It was a dull job that only required him to load and unload trucks with pallets of feed and supplies for the farms that surrounded the small town he’d grown up in. The job paid well enough to see him through the community college he attended as a way to avoid having his family pester him about what he really ought to be doing with his life.

All of this was forgotten as he stared in shock at what he could only imagine to be a crippling mental break from reality.

“You seeing this shit?” he said to no one in particular.

He took no notice as the unopened bag of chips fell from unfeeling fingers.

An older well-dressed woman passed by peering at Bill, then toward what he seemed to be gawping at. Seeing nothing she huffed, clutching her purse to her side as she slid away from the obviously drugged up delinquent. In doing so she nearly collided with the portal only to pull short, her eyes going flat. Shaking her head as if to snap herself awake she sidestepped the portal and kept walking.

That got Bill’s attention.

Obviously no one else was seeing this shit.

Not taking his eyes off the damned mystical window of insanity he stooped to pick up his bag of chips.

Checking to see if it was clear, he shuffled slightly closer to the thing and tossed his snack at it. The shiny orange bag of Cheda-Krakles!® met the pulsing face of the portal with a sharp crack which split the air, swirling colors accelerating for a mere moment before slowing back to their former sedate pace. There was no sound of a bag hitting the street.

Bill cautiously stepped around the portal to be sure. He spied no familiar orange faux-cheese flavored faux-delicious snack packaging anywhere. He also observed the portal was completely invisible from this side. Carefully he maneuvered back to his original position facing the brain aching vision of a magical freaking portal.

At this point Bill was at a dilemma. On the one hand, he was due back to his shift lifting heavy sacks at a boring dead-end job he did not particularly enjoy. On the other, there was a magical God damned portal to God-knows-where staring him in the face.

Strangely enough Bill had often thought about what he’d do in this sort of paranormal wacky hijinks situation. For instance, he’d always told himself if he saw Bigfoot alongside the road at night he would give chase to that big hairy sucker and demand an autograph. He was the type of person to feel cautiously optimistic toward the coming zombie apocalypse. If aliens ever made the mistake of abducting him his first plan of action was grand theft-saucer, probes be damned. That is probably all you need to know about the sad state of affairs that is Bill’s mind. Now, staring at what was either a brain aneurysm or a bona-fide magical portal to adventures unknown he wasn’t sure if he had what it took to step in.

Just then he heard the unmistakable sound of a police cruiser chirping its siren behind him. Turning he saw a Sheriff’s sedan pulled in behind him, the deputy climbing out with his hand resting lightly on his sidearm.

“Alright, son. Take her easy. Got a report of a man acting out around here. Now, I want you to slowly walk towards me and place your hands on the hood nice and easy. Just need to ask you a few questions,” he drawled in that bored but commanding tone that came easy to all law enforcement professionals.

That’s it settled then, Bill thought.

“Sure thing, chief. Just have to get my chips first,” he replied.

Bill stepped into the portal.

“SWEET JESUS!” Deputy Lawrence gasped.

He was shocked out of his professional demeanor, hands shaking while staring at an empty sidewalk. Having seen a man pop out of existence in broad daylight could have that effect on anyone.

The portal finished swirling violently and then winked out of reality, observed by none.

“Fuck! I’m blind!” Bill yelped as he finished his step.

There had been absolutely no sensation when passing through the freaky mystic portal of crazy. The light just went out and he stumbled, treading on something that crackled and popped before catching himself against a rough and solid obstacle. Panting with adrenaline, listening to the sound of his blood rushing through his ears he leaned into whatever it was he’d struck.

Blessedly, his eyesight seemed to be coming back. Apparently wherever he appeared was simply late evening and not the midday he had been expecting. Soon he caught his breath, his heart rate slowing to acceptable levels.

Bill took in his surroundings. The obstacle he had nearly face planted was a large tree of some kind, the rough bark of the gnarled trunk pressing into his palms. Gazing about he found himself in a charming forest scene illuminated by moon or starlight.

There was no sign of the portal, so the catastrophic stroke he was likely experiencing had probably degenerated into severe brain damage by now.

He nudged about with his foot hearing the crinkle of cellophane and mourned the loss of his chips.

“Well, shit. I’d better be in Middle Earth and not China.”

Bill leaned absently on the tree trunk, wondering what to do next.

“Shouldn’t there be a subtle wizard or deranged cult welcoming the Chosen One right about now?” he muttered, pulling out and checking his cell phone.

The screen flicked on, showing no connection but happily carried a full charge. He considered using the flashlight setting but figured it would be better used for emergencies as he could see well enough to travel. Unlikely to be any convenient outlets in Westeros.

“Oh well, guess I’ll have to hunt down Merlin and get my marching orders. Damned inconvenient.”

Bill pushed himself off the tree and for lack of further shenanigans wandered down what could generously be called a trail. He was glad for his solid work boots and blue jeans. If he hadn’t been on shift he likely would be wearing flip-flops and sweatpants. Luck would have it Narnia appeared to be enjoying a refreshingly cool calm evening. The air smelled beyond fresh and was free of any annoying buzzing stinging insects.

As Bill walked he took inventory of his possessions. One cellphone, a wallet filled with six dollars and sundry cards of dubious value in any reality, and a multi-tool.

That was something anyway, the tool had a knife, pliers, screw-bits, and a bottle-opener. All any adventurer of quality really needed to take on the world, magic or otherwise. He could use the knife to stab goblins or something.

Thinking of that, he realized he’d probably need something a bit heftier if small angry green people really were part of the equation. He spent a few minutes thrashing about in the undergrowth and found a sapling of about the right size and hacked at it for a moment with the tiny serrated blade.

It was easier going than he’d expected. The blade chewed through the wood like soft cheese and branches stripped off with a simple flick. He guessed trees in Wonderland weren’t up to Earth standard. In short order he had a serviceable if somewhat bendy staff - Stave? He flipped it upside down experimentally. Definitely a stave.

“Hah! Come at me orks! I have a stick,” he said to himself, thumping the staff down in front of him while striking a heroic pose.

Fate couldn’t ignore that one, so there came a low menacing growl off to the side of the trail.

Bill’s asshole puckered as all the quaint forest noises stilled. He frantically scanned the undergrowth to his left as his idyllic woodland transformed into a nightmarish weald.

Staring at him were two red glowing eyes perhaps fifteen feet away hovering a few feet above the earth.

“Um. Good doggy?” he proposed hopefully.

The growl shifted into a hearty yet still quite menacing chuckle as the eyes rose a further two feet into the air.

The eyes then flashed with streamers of demonic fire.

“Fuckshit!” Bill yelped and darted into the tree line opposite.

It was at that moment he realized he would never be foolish enough to chase Bigfoot and would be delighted to work an extra shift at the warehouse for the rest of his miserable demon-beast free life.

Cursing in a continuous stream he crashed through the undergrowth heedless of brambles and thorns. He broke through branches without pause, and trampled anything too slow, stupid or inanimate to escape underfoot.

The thought of claws, teeth, and horrible fiery eyes drove him on heedlessly for several minutes when he burst suddenly into a clearing. He had discovered a large open glade flooded with moonlight and stumbled backwards to the center. Clutching his quarterstaff for dear life he strained his ears for sounds of pursuit. Aside from his own steady breathing all was quiet.

The realization hit him that he wasn’t even out of breath. He felt for sure he should be gasping and choking for breath as running was not something he did for fun or health. In fact, it felt as if he’d just strolled through a park and not run for his life through dark tangled woods chased by a devil bear.

Pushing aside those thoughts Bill figured if he was going to get eaten, he had better get it over with. He felt he’d been enormously lucky not to trip and fall in his frantic dash through the dark. Here at least he could see it coming and strive for whatever it was to choke on his corpse.