09: Rediscovering One’s Destiny

Somehow along my path,
I devised a second way of divining God’s will for me...
When I’m not certain what God would have me do,
I reframe the question to “what would love do?”
Intellectually, equating God and love seems fair,
and it has never led me astray or failed to translate.

Michael Prager

“Wendy? Before we visit your mother’s doctor, I wanted to check in with you. I’m assuming you haven’t changed your position on your sexuality?”

“One doesn’t change their sexuality like switching shirts. It’s who we are.”

“Yet you only discovered yours yesterday.”

“No, like Mom, we were both in denial, afraid of admitting who we are. But I’ve always known I’m more boy than girl, I just wasn’t ready to face it, so I kept putting off coping with it.”

“Well, that’s clearer than your arguments last night, but it’s still not in keeping with most transsexuals, which raises suspicion about your certainty. You’re already on the cusp of a successful transition, if you’re planning to follow through, we’ll need to decide soon.”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m familiar with the process. I’ll need to start testosterone treatments to prevent my sexual maturity until you and Mom are willing to cover the procedures.”

“Sorry, while I can lend emotional support, I’m not your legal guardian. I can’t make any decisions, or even help finance it—unless your mother and I suddenly decide to marry—which is pretty remote at this point.”

Wendy cocked her head, studying him. “Are you even considering it?”

“Neither of us have mentioned it, as we’ve never acknowledged the relationship aside from during our dreams. But, if you’re serious about this, we may need to hasten our decision. The college provides more liberal medical and educational opportunities than her current job does.”

“Yeah, I’d rather transition on your campus than have her insurance redline her account.”

“So again, you’ve given this some thought?”

“Yeah. I knew it was inevitable, I just wasn’t prepared to act on it yet. I’ve always known I’m uncomfortable being a girl, though since I wasn’t sexually active, it was easy enough avoiding it. The fact Mom never cared how I dressed just made it easier not addressing it.”

“Okay. I realize I’m rushing things, even more than you, but we don’t have much time—even without our current crisis. I’m going to bring you with us to our appointment, so you can consult with her doctor.”

“Who’s he?”

“I guess you missed that part. Never mind, you’ll likely discover what it involves anyway, but play along. I’m assuming you’re not yet ready to confide in your mother?”

“God, no!”

“Okay, leaving her out of the decision, can you at least discuss it with a medical doctor, if I promise to keep your mother from interrupting?”

“As long as I don’t have to watch her making faces when I admit it, though it’ll be difficult once we’re awake and dealing with each other again.”

“Hopefully, she’ll continue as she has, treating what’s revealed in her dreams as separate from what she acknowledges in real life. Luckily, that seems to be a component of her own denial. What she admits in her dreams, she doesn’t have to concede while awake. While it’ll still be stressful, hopefully it’ll prove manageable.”

“I can live with that.”

“Great. Now keep quiet while I switch us all to her office, since I don’t want to tip your mother off.”

“Don’t worry. I’ve been lurking in the shadows of your dreams for a while. I’ve gotten good at hiding myself. She’ll never know I’m there.”

“Yeah, while you’ve always revealed yourself, I’m uncomfortable with how you’ve hidden your participation. You’ve been more active than you ever intimated.”

“Hey, I wasn’t going to spoil a perfect opportunity. Watching unobserved from a distance, I can test out various sexual roles without actually trying anything. I never actually perved on you. I was measuring how I responded to the acts themselves. Still, the fact it was you and Mon played no part in my fascination.”

“All right, let me warn your mother, but won’t appear until we get to Dr. Phillips office.”

“Dr. Phillips?” Wendy wrinkled her nose. “Really? While she’s pleasant, I never enjoyed her poking around where I dislike acknowledging.”

“Don’t worry, she’s not there to give you a pap smear, just supply medical options, so we can break the news to your mom without making a scene.”

“Alli, are you ready for our appointment?”

“Yeah, though I don’t know what she’ll propose.”

“Look, before we go, I invited Wendy along.”

“Wendy? This doesn’t affect her in the least. I’m not sure I’m comfortable with her knowing what we’re discussing.”

“I’ve been talking to her, and she’s got something specific she wants to ask.” He knelt, taking her hands in his. “Look, this will likely be difficult, but we’re only there as observers. So, don’t say anything and don’t embarrass her. If anything, wait until later when you can discuss it without anyone listening.”

“You’re scaring me again.”

“It’s nothing dangerous, just unexpected.” Taking her free hand, he helped her stand. “Now, let’s resolve these issues.”

Dr. Phillips bolted upright, wide eyed when they appeared.

“Geez! You always shock me when you do that, even though I was waiting for you.”

Theo noted that the furniture and furnishings in Amy’s medical office seemed especially happy, as everything swayed with the continual replaying tune, now rendered in a language he didn’t recognize. He took that as a good sign, while recognizing that his delusions might now speak for the one guiding his life, he hoped they at least reflected his mood.

“Amy, before we begin,” he said, indicating Alli’s daughter, “we brought someone with their own concerns.”

“I’m ... Wendel,” she said, extending her hand, without glancing at or acknowledging her mother.

“Yeah, I remember meeting you a few times,” she answered, standing and shaking her hand. “So, I take it you’re here to discuss transitioning?”

She hesitated, biting her lip, so Theo leapt in.

“Her mother doesn’t know, but we’ve talked it over. She’s apparently thought this through, but accidentally observing us the other night jostled her from her denial phase.”

Alli gasped, raising her hand to her face, but Theo clutched her left hand reassuringly.

“Still, I’ll need to discuss this with Wendel, as there are several things he should be aware of. Obviously, this changes our other discussion substantially.”

“If it helps, I’ve heard the general discussion.”

“She tends to ... pop in when I’m visiting other people’s dreams.” Theo grinned. “He certainly takes after me in that regard.”

“Still, we have two separate, personal medical discussions, and they aren’t family conversations. He needs to understand his options, the costs associated with them, and what he’s facing.

“Meanwhile, we should simplify things.” She reached into a drawer and handed Theo a small sample cup. “You can fill this up, though I’m still unsure how you can get it to me.”

“Uh, should we even be discussing this?” Alli asked, glancing at her ... new son.

“Don’t worry,” Wendel said, not looking at her. “I heard the entire discussion the other day. I know exactly what they’re talking about. It doesn’t bother me in the least.”

“You may not appreciate it,” Theo continued, “but I’m hoping, if I pour in on your flesh and wake us both from this dream, you’ll carry some of it back with you. Hopefully, you can capture enough to test to determine whether it’s viable or not.”

“Good. That’ll work,” Amy said. “We won’t get the precise measurements I hoped for, but it’ll give us a general idea. If it doesn’t work, we’ll have to revisit it again and consider other options.”

She paused. “I’m assuming, if you can manage to mail a package, no one will ever know. In this case, if you give me your address, I’ll arrange for an anonymous Fed Ex Special delivery from your current abode to my office. Though, I don’t know whether there’s any risk of exposure. It seems safe enough, but I don’t know how closely you’re being watched.”

“It sounds solid, but I’d prefer finishing this tonight, if it’s possible. If not, we’ll risk it.” A magic marker magically appeared in Theo’s hand, and he wrote the address on her desk, upside down too, so she could read it. “We’re staying with a friend of a friend of the woman I was staying with.” The permanent ink vanished from her desk as he continued. “We ... had to run today, as her boyfriend threatened to expose us. If he has, they’ll be hot on our trail.”

“You never said anything about this,” Alli complained. “Are you in any danger?”

“I’ve been in mortal danger since my associate Tom was killed. Every day is dangerous, as a fatal incident could occur at any time. But for now, we seem secure. We took ample precautions. With luck, Nate will have calmed since we left, but as Natalie left him to accompany me, I doubt it.”

“Natalie?” Alli asked, eyeing him.

“Don’t worry, we’ll discuss it another time. Our plate is already full, we certainly don’t need yet another controversy.”

“All right, going forward, you can use the washroom in the hall to your right,” Amy concluded, redirecting Alli’s concern. “While you’re busy, we’ll make plans concerning Wendel’s treatment.”

Theo glanced at Wendy, unsure. Releasing Alli’s hand, to took the cup. “Sure, I’ll be right back.”

As soon as the door closed, Amy continued the previous discussion. “This will take more than a short appointment, and it’s clear you can’t make a regular appointment. Given the unusual circumstances, and Wendel’s age, I’d like to move quickly on this, if it’s not an issue,” she specified, viewing Alli.

Glancing down, she shook her head. “No, that makes sense ... Wendel?”

“Yeah, I’d like to resolve this soon, and that’ll be easier if we have the appropriate information.”

“Good.” Amy opened another drawer and sorted through some files before handing him a few fliers and fact sheets. “Review these, so you’re prepared. I’ll shuffle some appointments, opening up a full day. I know you can’t travel, but if you give me your address, I’ll stop by Tuesday morning so we can discuss it privately, as well as providing some preliminary family counseling.”

Alli glanced at Wendy, biting her lip before standing, writing the information on a pad Amy provided. “I’m also listing another name and number. Since I’m unable to call her myself, if you could pass the information on, I suspect she’d like to visit too.”

Wendy glanced at her. “Stacy?”

She nodded, blushing and glancing down, concentrating on the note.

“It sounds like your lives are as interesting as your dreams.” Amy studied the information and slipped it into her pocket. “Though that’s difficult to imagine. I’ll try to contact her, she’s unlikely to be free with so little notice.”

Alli stood, sitting as she considering her child. “Yeah, I went from an overwhelmed single mother with a boarder, to running for my life, hip-deep in several people’s innermost sexual fantasies and somehow—it’s having unexpected effects on everyone.”

“Don’t worry, these are all normal problems regular people have all the time. You concentrate on staying safe, ensuring you talk, and let Theo work through his own issues, as there isn’t much you can do. You need to trust each other. Like anyone stuck far from their loved ones during conflicts far from home, you need to count on, strengthen and encourage each other, and let them do what’s necessary.”

“That makes—”

“All done,” Theo said, reentering, stretching out to place the sample on her desk. “What’d I miss? I know you were busy the whole time I was gone.”

“How’d you ever finish so fast. As far as I know, the videos don’t work in dreamland.”

“Actually, from what I’ve learned, they would, assuming you’ve ever watched one yourself, which I doubt. But I didn’t need them.” He put his hands in his pockets, pulling his loose baggy khakis tight, highlighting his erection. “I have a constant erection, so it doesn’t take much prep time before I’m raring to go.”

“I’d noticed, though you tried hiding it before,” Amy said. “You realize that’s—”

“Priapism? Yeah, I’m aware. While my erections are medically induced, non-stimulation based and last all night, I’m convinced they’re mostly symbolic, part of my delusions. There’s no pain involved, and I’m suffering no other symptoms, but it reflects the substance I’m using for these dream voyages is likely distorting and twisting my rational thoughts. Thus, I’m no longer sure of what’s valid and what’s not.”

“That’s no more encouraging, but this is something I can at least check. Though again, it’ll be difficult if I can’t run tests.”

“If it’s the same with you,” Wendel said, “I’d rather not watch. I’ve already seen more than I need to about your sex lives. However, I’d also like to talk when you’re done. Without Mom.”

Theo checked Alli’s reaction before responding. “Sure, Wend— Sure. I’ll be by shortly.” Once she left, he convinced Amy not to perform a physical examination, merely running through a symptom checklist.

“It seems you’re correct, but still, since this condition is so serious, and it certainly seems real enough, I’d like to perform some tests.”

“Well, that’s not likely to happen.”

“I’m going to order that special pick up, so if you can have a semen and blood sample available. I don’t expect you to be able to take a vial of your own blood without training, so I’ll send a special airtight vacuum container. If you simply cut yourself, and bleed several drops—like six to eight—I’m hoping I can test it myself without having to send it to a lab. That will definitely rule out any risk of priapism.”

“Sure, I can bleed with the best of them, and if I get nervous, I have more than enough people eager to stab me to get as much as you need.”

“That sort of humor is uncalled for,” Alli pointed out.

“Sorry, but in these circumstances, if we don’t enjoy some dark humor, we’re only to continue for long.”

“Still,” Amy hedged, opening her filing cabinet and searching for something else. “Just in case it isn’t, here’s a brief description of the collection procedures, and more on your condition. I’ll add some notes about taking the modified sample and—”

“That’s all good, but at this point, there’s no telling whether I’ll be alive by the time you can process them. Hopefully, this pursuit will end soon, either with my death or my being free to visit you in person.”

“That sounds fatalistic,” Alli observed.

“No, it’s realistic. I’m running out of time. I’ve been lucky so far, but it’ll only take so much time before they track us down. Like the rest of you, I need to stop denying the inevitable and take some sort of definitive action.”

“Like what?”

“Frankly, I haven’t a clue, but I can’t sit on my hands, hoping to hide forever. I need to act. I’ll either own my death, hopefully winning a reprieve, or I’ll die trying.”

Alli stood as soon as Theo appeared. “That took long enough. Clearly, that was no little talk. And the two of you seem to be talking a lot lately, without me.” She grabbed his hands, clutching them tight. “I need to know what’s happening with my little ... girl?”

“Wendy’s fine, and yes, it’s still okay to call her that—for now, at least. She’s still figuring out precisely what she wants. That’s what she wanted to discuss. She realizes this is new, so she’s not expected anyone to accept it overnight. Just that you don’t pigeonhole her in her old role, until she figures our who she is.

“She told me how she has a friend, who she knew was a lesbian, but like you, she was so in denial over who she was she refused to consider it a possibility. That’s what she wanted to discuss.

“Before proceeding, she wanted to explore her sexuality firsthand, so she wanted me to bring her and her friend, Lisa Cho, together in a dream.”