07: Reinventing Oneself

When a child first catches adults out—
when it first walks into his grave little head
that adults do not always have divine intelligence
that their judgments are not always wise,
their thinking true, their sentences just—
his world falls into panic desolation.
The gods are fallen and all safety gone...
And the child’s world is never quite whole again.

John Steinbeck

“Theo?” Alli asked when he appeared, jumping as his mangled corpse evaporated. “Obviously, I’ve been worried. I’ve been fighting my overactive imagination all night, picturing the worst. I’m getting good at ending unwanted dreams, but not at preventing them.”

Theo created a quiet scene at their house, with them sitting on the couch sipping wine with a few flickering candles nearby and soft music playing. “Sorry, I was delayed. I’ve been gathering information, trying to get ahead of the men gunning for me.”

“Did you have any luck?” she pressed, leaning in.

“I had some success, but there’s no way to tell ‘til I encounter them. At best, I’ve only gained a moment’s hesitation, and I’m no good at dodging bullets.”

“So, we’re right to be worried?”

“I’m safe for now, but they’re actively pursuing me. It’s never good when someone’s actively trying to kill you. I’m guessing they’re pouring over everything with a fine-tooth comb, reviewing possible destinations and examining satellite images for my car over the past few days.”

“Meaning they’re likely to track me after coming for Wendy, too?”

“I doubt it, as the photos aren’t that precise. They might spot Wendy in my vehicle and guess that I dropped her off, but it doesn’t mean they saw you picking her up.”

“But nothing prevents it, either,” she pushed.

“No, it wouldn’t, though I’m hoping the path to your current abode isn’t easily traced.”

“So do I, although I’m not as sure as a few minutes ago. At least in my dreams, once you die, no one comes after us.”

“How’s Wendy? I’m not planning on visiting her tonight, but I worry how she’s coping.”

“She’s fine and doing better than me. Neither of us discusses your visits when we’re awake, but it impressed her. She’s suddenly very ... philosophical.”

“I think the word you’re looking for is ‘spiritual’. Philosophers, like most academics, argue about the precise nuances of your words.”

“You’re right. I meant, now nothing seems to faze her, and she’s taking everything in stride. But she met a girl near her age by the lake, so she’s not missing home much, yet.”

“Good, I’m glad it’s working out. For her, at least.”

“So, are you going to tell me what you discussed, or am I supposed to guess?”

“Nah. She’ll talk about it when she’s ready. Rather than yelling now, I’d prefer you learn about it on her schedule, not yours.”

“So, I am going to be upset? Where the heck did you take her, a strip club?”

“Hardly, but it was a somewhat ... unusual fantasy destination. But I have to confess ... I screwed up recently—not with Wendy though. I was experimenting later, hoping to determine what I could accomplish in my dreams. Whether I can physically change things in the real world, when I made a huge mistake.”

She leaned back, eyeing him warily. “What happened?”

“It was a moral lapse, and impacts the two of us.”

“Go on. What did you do, and how does it affect Wendy and me?”

“I learned I carry physical evidence of our encounters together when I wake. So, I hoped to discover how far I could press the issue—hence my investigation into those searching for me.”

“Again, what did you find?”

“I think I’ll let someone else answer that,” he said. Her house disappeared as they entered Stacy’s dream, observing as she made out with someone on a couch.

“Don’t say anything,” he cautioned.

“Is everyone having sex dreams whenever you visit?”

“Pretty much. I’m guessing they’re more frequent than anyone let’s on. Either that, or we simply don’t remember them. Let me handle this, as I don’t want to surprise her.”

Becoming visible, Theo coughed. Spinning around, Stacy revealed a slow-witted, blurry vision of himself, who didn’t seem to comprehend what was happening. She stood and his double vanished as she approached.

“Thank God! Dreaming just isn’t the same anymore. No matter what I do, you not only don’t respond, you couldn’t understand anything I said. Do I need to call you whenever I dream from now on?”

“Stacy, I’d like you to meet someone,” he said, as Alli appeared.

“Oh, goody! You’re full of surprises, but I’m open to anything. This should be fun!” She turned to Alli, extending her hand. “I’m Stacy Meadows.”

“We have to establish something first,” Theo stressed, intervening. “Did I leave you a little ... gift?”

“Oh yeah,” she said, chuckling. “For someone who carries his own protection into his dreams, you’re not terribly careful. You’re supposed to hold it when you withdraw. However, as usual with men and condoms, you stick us with the mess. The rubber was shredded. It took forever to clean up, as there was little to grab ahold of.”

“Alas, I awoke back in my bed. But thanks, it also answers my next question.” Theo turned. “You see the issue yet?”

“Yeah. You disappear for a few days and already have a new girlfriend!”

“I’ll admit, it was a serious screw up. I ... never intended for it to get this far. I’d hoped to show up, maybe have Stacy jerk me off and escape before doing anything more.”

“But...”

“Once she caught on to what was happening, she was so into it, I couldn’t walk away.”

Stacy blushed. “He’s right. The sensations were so intense, so ... vivid and vibrant, I wanted more, just to assure myself it was ... real.”

“Yes,” Alli acknowledged, approaching. “It’s usually like that whenever he drops in on someone’s dream.” She turned and stared at Theo. “But it answers another question. Apparently, the ability to see through your disguise and observe your glitters.” She indicated the space surrounding them. “Is tied to our emotional connection to you.”

“Now that you mention it,” Stacy said, glancing around, following his twirling waves of angry tendrils, “I can see them too. What the heck is that? While I enjoy a little S&M, that godawful music is the pits!”

“Those,” Theo explained, indicating the dark demonic forms as they twirled around, “are an aftereffect of what I take to achieve these dream visits.”

“I figured out early this was no dream, even before you added the colors and extra flourishes.”

“He maintains the dreams, but as he starts using complex sentences, it forces you to think rationally, partially waking you without ending the dream. It’s how he gets information from people.”

“I can see how that would be useful. I’m glad you didn’t quiz me about anything embarrassing.”

“Like how you like girls?” Alli suggested, stepping closer.

“Nah, that’s no secret! I don’t always talk about it with strangers, but I’ve never hidden my sexuality. While not everyone’s interested, I’m not ashamed of it.”

Alli paused, tilting her head as she considered her. “You’re the waitress at the restaurant nearby, Tullo’s?”

“Tullio’s,” Stacy said, “and yeah, now I recognize you too. I hope this doesn’t spoil our fun.”

“Fun?” Theo asked. “This is serious. We’re talking about my possibly impregnating you or Alli.”

Alli leaned in, kissing her. “Hold on, I think we need to address this before we do anything more.”

“You’re going along with this?”

“Look, although I was surprised, this isn’t a big deal. We’re not engaged, we haven’t even dated and neither of us has said the ‘L’ word.”

“You’ve gotten farther than I have,” Stacy added.

“You’re not helping,” Theo mumbled.

Alli turned back to her. “We’ll be back in a minute,” she promised. “Can you take me to visit someone I want you to meet?”

“I doubt it,” he answered. “If it’s feasible, you’d have to make the connection yourself, which I don’t think is possible.”

“I don’t know, Wendy seems to do it fairly regularly, so it’s definitely more than just achievable. One second.” She closed her eyes, and she and Theo were in a physician’s office. The woman glanced up, shocked to see them.

“Alli? What are you doing here?” She looked around, surprised. “For that matter, why am I here?”

“Theo, this is my gynecologist, Dr. Phisher. Amy, we wanted to ask you a question, and didn’t have time to make an appointment.”

Amy turned, blinking at the fuzzy blue office’s suddenly lavish details. Luckily, they appeared before her desk, which hid Theo’s nudity.

“You’ll get used to the modified dreams, but Theo is worried about getting someone pregnant while visiting, as we’re doing now.”

Forgetting her doubts, Amy was all business. “I’ll still need to charge you for a standard appointment, but I take it this is a theoretical.”

“Of course,” Alli agreed. “But when he visits, he blurs the line between dreams and reality, taking back various... ‘substances’ when he wakes. He needs to know whether he could accidentally get me pregnant in our dream trysts.”

She considered it a moment before answering. “Assuming this is actually possible—and given the details of my office, I’m confident it is—it’s doubtful. But to be sure, I have to conduct tests, which means I’d have to be present during the act.”

“Are you kidding?”

“No. I have to see how the interaction occurs and how much is real rather than imaginary.” To settle any lingering doubts, Theo shifted them to the middle of the Sahara, where the bright sun overhead sweltered and hot sand burned their feet.

“Okay, point settled,” she conceded, wiping her brow, “but I need to examine his semen.” Theo returned everyone to where they were in Amy’s office. “Even if it remains in her, there’s no guaranteeing it’s still potent. However, this supposedly works, it’s entirely possible it affects the potency.”

“I’m sorry,” Alli contended, there’s no way I’ll perform in your office while you’re taking notes.”

“That’s understandable, but it’s the only way I can make a determination. Alternatively, all I require is a fresh sample. Waiting until the next morning will likely compromise the results. And I’m unsure how you’ll deliver it without coming to my clinic.” She hesitated, biting her lip. “Though, if this is important, give me a night and drop in tomorrow. Once I’ve had a chance to discuss it with Fran.”

“Who the hell is Fran?” Theo inquired.

“She’s Amy’s wife,” Alli said. “Mark it on your calendar and we’ll be here.”

“Hold on a second...”

“It’s done,” she said, steering him out of the room. “Now let’s get back to Stacy and see what she’s gotten into while we’ve been gone.”

“This is too weird for me, even given the circumstances,” he murmured before they disappeared, leaving Dr. Phisher, sitting at her desk, alone in her office.

“Wow, that was fast,” Stacy said when they reappeared. She’d apparently waited patiently, as there was no ongoing dream, only her engulfed in a vast blue formless space. So perhaps her comment about no longer enjoying dreams without Theo were valid.

“Now, about your offer,” Alli purred.

“Wait ... Are you gay?” Theo demanded, confused by her response.

“The term is lesbian, bisexual,” Stacy corrected, “or if you’re nervous, an Aphrodite.”

“Evidently, I’m not,” Alli said, looking at Theo with her head nestling her neck. “I’ve never done this before, but ... she’s game, I’m ready, you’re here, and no one will tell anyone. What’s to lose?”

“There’s nothing to it,” Stacy assured her. “And once we’re finished, I’ll stamp your new lesbian card. After that, you get one free for every five straights you turn.” Their clothes vanished as Stacy’s hand held Alli’s head still as they kissed.

“This is wrong on so many levels,” Theo groaned, though not turning away.

“Ignore him,” Alli urged. “By the way, I’ll show you how we modify our dreams. Typically, stripping him is the only way we can get him focused on us! Yet once we do, he changes his mind pretty quickly.”

As their kiss progressed in intimacy, something caught Theo’s eye. Turning, he saw Wendy off to the side. She met his gaze, held her finger to her lips, and turned back to her mother and Stacy.

Recalling her earlier admonition about not dictating her dreams after dragging her in, Theo bit his lip, studiously ignoring her. With the women kissing so ardently, there were plentiful distractions. Checking a few moments later, he no longer saw her. He’d discuss it with her later—if she’d even acknowledge it—but she didn’t seem to be upset by the situation. He decided to ask Dr. Phisher to recommend a qualified pediatric psychiatrist, maybe requesting someone for himself.

Stacy was fondling Alli’s breast, and she wasn’t objecting. Pausing, Alli whispered in her ear as Stacy beckoned Theo closer.

“Damn, we’re all going to hell!” he mumbled, nearing while observing their every move. Glancing back, checking for Wendy, worried about escalating an already problematic situation, she was nowhere in sight. Reminding himself she’d said she could return whenever she wanted, he assumed she stayed long enough to demonstrate her independence. Whatever else, he’d revisit this particular fantasy many, many times, nor would he ever forget the whole night. He’d likely debate it with a psychiatrist for years.

This wasn’t how confessions and apologies were supposed to play out. But Alli had as many surprises as he did, while God sat back, quietly chuckling.

Waking alone in his bed once more, covered in sweat, semen and the intoxicating aroma of aroused women, Theo wondered where he lost control of his life. Was it when Jennifer left? When he abandoned a promising academic carrier? Or when he opted to ‘pop’ an untested, unknown psychedelic?

Though now, he questioned whether the drug permanently altered his mind. Twisting the unthinkable into the everyday, painting a clear role in God’s inconceivable plans. Leaving him stumbling and grasping for breath chasing dreams he assumed he controlled. Instead, they were the only thing remaining steady, as the rational world roiled around him.