Chapter 23

I finally opened the envelope after pouring myself a glass of 24-year-old Scotch. I opened it, and it was surprisingly thick. I read the first page, and this was obviously done on the computer I had given her, printed on a 9 pin dot matrix printer. Essentially it said that the letters were all of those she had written to me over the past four years and never sent. And to please wait until reading all of them before passing any judgment, as she wanted me to see how she had changed and grown.

I read the first, and soon snorted and took another drink. This must be the one Julie told me about, that she had intended to send with the rings. It talked about how she had been lead astray and done some things she had been ashamed of. She had been unfaithful, she admitted that at least. But tried to make it like she was mostly innocent, and it was loneliness and manipulation by others and drugs that made her do the things she had done. And that she felt ashamed to be wearing my rings now and was returning them, but she hoped I would find a way to forgive her and how she would be proud to wear them again.

And the thing is, if she had sent that back to me with the rings and without my finding out about the cheating, prostitution and porn, I might actually have done just as she asked. Send the rings back and ask her to wait for me. It was three pages, and her attempt to manipulate me was obvious in it. More of her old passive-aggressive games in action. Acting like the victim, and almost crying for forgiveness and that I just had to understand how lonely she was.

As if I was not lonely at the same time. I often thought I was giving my hand calluses at that time, I was jacking off so often.

Then another, no idea what time this was written. It was about six pages and rambled. It would be talking about how ashamed she was that she was a whore, then flip right around and say how she gets fucked much better by lots of guys now than I ever did. And the thrill knowing that some guy sticking it to her was going to pay her more for two hours than her mom made in an entire day. Or that for a day and a half of fucking on camera made her more than her mom made in a week. This must have been one she had written while high as a fucking kite. I could not even decide what she was trying to say in that one, it literally bounced all over the place. How some dude had stuffed her until she screamed, then a paragraph later how she was missing how gentle I was when I loved her.

The next one, this was a bit more of the same. But it was darker. It was saying things like “Bobby was right, I am a whore and worthless”, and other similar things. How Bobby was right that she was worse than trash, and that Linda was only good to serve and be used by others. I had no idea who this Bobby was, but I wanted to kick his ass. As much as I even agreed with some of that, he apparently had done a number on Linda at some time in the past. And nobody should ever be describing themselves in this kind of language.

It also rambled on about Melissa, saying how she had destroyed her, ruined her life, and made her do things she was now ashamed of. But I could not tell when she was referring to Melissa, and referring to herself. Did she destroy Melissa, or did Melissa destroy her? Then turn around and said she would beg on her knees if Melissa or I would take her back, and other things she would do. And Linda would describe things Bobby had taught her, and maybe Melissa or I would take her back if she did them for us. Some were revolting so I skipped over that as fast as I could, coprophilia was of no interest to me. And apparently, this was another thing Bobby had taught her to show how worthless she was.

More and more I wanted to find this Bobby and give him what we would have called a “good and solid thrashing behind the whiskey locker”. He had better hope I never found out who he was, nobody deserves the kind of shit he filled Linda’s head with. Not even Linda when I despised her the most.

Then she talked about somebody named Sheri in the next letter, who she said was her treasure and Linda did not deserve her. That she hoped she would someday be worth half as much to Sheri as Sheri was to her. Then I understood when she talked about Gary. I know Rosie had mentioned that name to me, an old boyfriend of Linda’s. She had worked with him, but he was mostly gay, and the year before had been diagnosed with HIV. Oh fuck. And she was negative, but he kept getting sicker, until he decided to walk in front of a car rather than die that way. And Sheri was out doing an “overnight job”, and she hoped Sheri brought home some rock when she was done because she needed some. And how it sucked sitting in the apartment alone with just Gary for company.

Yea, she must have been crashing hard in withdrawal at that time, as she had already said Gary was dead, so he could not be with her. Unless she was hallucinating.

Then another one, and this sounded very clear. She talked about her doing rehab, and her drug-fueled fantasy that I would come out of my coma with amnesia, and we could be together again. I snorted and took another drink, she had to have been high as a fucking kite to believe that shit. About how Dee had reacted in seeing her, and how she was ashamed because it was all true. She was all Dee had accused her of being, and more.

This was sounding like a contrite Linda, and I realized after she spent a few paragraphs talking about “12-Step” that she had been wanting to months to try and make amends for her past behavior to those she loved. Her mom, her sister, and me. But she was too ashamed to do it. Then about how she and Sheri had both gotten calls to go to some performance as companions to a bunch of Air Force guys, and knew nothing other than it was at a theater, and most of those attending were in the military.

Yea, this has to be about the presentation. How she was shocked when she saw my name on the marquee, and seeing Mandy, Holly, Lisa, Frannie, all getting out of a limo. And how proud she was of her sister, she was such a lady. Then she said she cried when I talked about my retirement, and wanting to talk to me to try and make amends. Then the letter just ended in mid-sentence.

Then another one, where she said she had talked to her mother and was told to write me a letter and either send it through her mom, or hand it to me if we were to meet again. That this was months later, and she had actually been writing the last one when she was served with the restraining order, and another saying if she violated it she would go to jail without trial for three years for violation of her parole.

Shit, no wonder she was still seeming scared when she saw me. She then continued the previous one, saying she had not wanted a confrontation, she had been sincere in wanting to apologize to me and everybody else. And that yes, she was still a whore. But she was off the drugs and trying to do better. And how Sheri was a rock in her life and the only one helping her stay sane sometimes.

She said that this was what she had wanted to say, that she was sorry and that even though she did not deserve forgiveness she hoped we would at least try to understand that she had never intended to hurt us. And that she wanted to be able to see Julie and not see the disgust and pity in her eyes, or her sister and not see the hate and loathing that caused Mandy to slap her. A slapping she admitted she deserved and more, but she hoped she could see her and simply apologize and say how proud of the woman her sister had become. And that she would even let Mandy slap her as much as she wanted if it would help her see her sister again. Fuck. Even I could recognize the masochistic streak that Bobby had put into her.

The letter pretty much ended at that. Linda continued in another one, and said she was ashamed of some of the older letters, but felt I deserved to see them. And that she was no longer the cunt she had been three years before. That this was her atonement and hoped we did not all hate her anymore. At that point, it seemed almost like a diary, four more pages, maybe a month or so apart I would guess. Saying she was still off drugs, was only dating a couple of times a month, which I took to meant prostitution. And she was mostly working in the office than on set. In her last letter, she said “It has been weeks since I did anything more than fluff. My last job was with Sheri and Marcus, and he creamed me good. Sheri laughed and cleaned me, but I felt ashamed. But I will continue if Sheri wants Kimiko again. But Sheri does not even want me anymore, let alone Kimiko.”

That made no sense, and I might have questioned drugs, if not that she said she was off of them still. Who in the hell was Kimiko? And why would her girlfriend not want her anymore?

I sat there and cried, then finished my drink and went to the phone. I love my friends because they are real friends. I called Holly first, and simply said “I need you to come up here right away.” She said of course, then asked what for. I said I would show her when she got here, then hung up after she asked if she should bring Dan, and I said this would be best without him there.

I then called Mandy, and she also said she would be here shortly. She did not even ask if she should bring her boyfriend, thankfully.

Mandy got there first and seeing my face gave me a hug and asked what was wrong. “Take a seat, then you are going to want to read something.”

I saw her become furious as she read the first page, and she actually threw them across the room as she started the second page. “The nerve of that fucking whore! Who the fuck does she think she is? Pete, that letter was all so full of shit I can’t believe she wrote it!” I had picked them all up, then put them back at the table.

“I know, and that was my reaction also. But please, keep reading.” She snorted, but continued. She snorted again and told me that must have been the letter she forgot to add with the rings and I nodded. She then read the second one. She laughed and looked at me as she read that one. “Really? ‘I even like it when some guys fuck my ass now, I only pretended to like it when you did it’? She must have been tripping off her ass at this one also.” I nodded, and she continued. “Holy fuck, that was fucking weird as hell, and like, reading the thoughts of an insane person.” She then started the next one.

And I could tell she was feeling anger also. She looked at me and immediately said “Pete, who the fuck is Bobby?” I admitted I had no idea, I could not think of anybody named Bobby. She read some more and reached her hand out to me. I handed her my drink, and she finished it then went back.

“Oh my god, who the fuck was that? I mean, I can almost hear Linda saying that, but licking this Bobby’s toilet, and eating shit on a plate? Who in the fuck makes somebody do stuff like that? Yes I want to smash her face in most times I think of her, but this is fucking sick and twisted beyond belief. I almost thought Bobby was good when she wrote that Bobby made her stop working in porn and prostitution, I thought he might be a great guy. But then forbidding her from wearing clothes, only panties when she was having her period, and forbidding her to masturbate or have an orgasm? Even for me, that would be torture, I can’t imagine a lover not letting me have an orgasm, even if I give it to myself.”

“I think Bobby wanted to be her master. I have studied some about Bondage and Discipline, Sadomasochism, and Dominance and Submission. I have played a bit at the edges, but only as a game. Whoever this Bobby fuck was, he seems like he was trying to break Linda’s mind, and turn her into his slave.”

“Fuck, that’s like Charles Manson shit there Pete.” Then she read the next, and she looked a bit sad at the end. “So this Gary saved her from Bobby, took her in out of kindness, then had AIDS and killed himself. But she sounds like she was really tripping then too, Rock, that is street slang for crack cocaine.” I nodded.

She read the next ones and finally finished the packet. She did fill me in on one question I had though. Apparently, a ‘fluffer’ was a girl on a film set who’s job was to get guys hard so they could shoot a scene with another actress. She set the letters all on the table and sighed. “Give me one of those Pete, and the phone please.” I poured us both a drink, and she made a call to her boyfriend saying she would be home tomorrow. “No baby, it’s OK. Pete got a thick letter from my sister, and I just finished reading it. It’s really heavy, and we are talking it through. No, I am staying the night here in the spare bedroom because I have already had two drinks, and am in no shape to drive. Love you too, bye.”

She started to say something when we heard a car pull up in front. I had the door open as Holly trotted up and hugged me, and she saw Mandy and went to hug her also. She saw we were emotional, and sighed. “You both look sad and like you have been crying, but not like somebody got hurt or died. And we are both here, so I can only assume the other Holly again?”

I nodded and told her briefly about meeting her earlier, and the envelope she had handed me. “Holly, we have both read it, and as Mandy here said, this is some ‘heavy shit’. I will just ask you to do the same thing I asked Mandy. Read through all of them, but parts will be rough.”

She did, and most of her reactions were the same as Mandy’s. And she also exclaimed in disgust at Bobby and stuck out her hand. I handed her my glass, and went and got another one. And she looked somber as she described the arrest. “Wait, did I read this right? She was repeatedly raped by another woman in jail?”

I nodded, and she went back to reading. At the end of that one, she looked at both of us. “I think we all misjudged her that night. Mandy, Pete, I actually believe her in this. It reminds me a bit of that time you two broke up for a few days. She was ashamed, and wanted to fix things but did not know how.”

She finished the packet, then held out her glass for a refill. I did, then pointed at the phone and she nodded. She called Dan, and told him it was a “Holly Wood matter”, and she would see him tomorrow. “Fuck, so what are you going to do now?”

“I honestly don’t know, this is why I needed you both tonight. One thing I will admit, I see the change in her over those letters. Her trying to sound almost innocent, to her sounding like she believed she was worth less than shit. And I could tell that many of those were written under the influence, of drugs since she was obviously hallucinating that her dead friend was with her. And that both her and her girlfriend are still prostitutes and do porn. But she does seem to love her.”

Mandy looked at me and said “Pete, make us dinner, please. I need another drink, but am afraid if I have it on an empty stomach I might get sick.” I nodded and we went into the backyard and I cooked two double cheeseburgers and a double hamburger. Holly went inside once I started, and by the time they were done, she had a big bowl of fries done. We sat around the coffee table, and Mandy recounted the night of the presentation.

“Yes, I slapped the shit out of her, twice. Pete, I’m positive that in that first one, she was tripping on E when she wrote it. She had like this smile on her face when she asked me to send it, and seemed kinda happy when she told me it was the rings, but that everything would be OK. She was so stoned though she forgot to add it to the envelope. And no I was never a user, but I had it slipped to me once at a party. E can do that, make you feel like everything is alright with the world. You love everything, and everything loves you. She probably believed everything she wrote.”

“The sad thing is if I had gotten that with the rings, I might have done as she asked and sent them back. At least, until I discovered she was also doing porn. And Prostitution. And drugs.”

“So what are you going to do now?” Holly asked.

“Well, believe it or not, this all started because the computer I bought her died. She knew she had to stay away from ‘Computer Outlet’, but she called ‘Speedy Tech’, and one of my guys got sent out. I just happened to be in the office and about to take off for the day when he called saying he needed three computers and a printer brought to a place in Agoura Hills. Apparently, Linda now works in the office for the porn company now and was actually using that computer for work. He told her it was not worth fixing, and her boss bought some newer ones.”

I took a bite as Holly said she was surprised she still had it. “Well, neither of us had recognized the other yet. I was setting up a computer behind her, and I heard her ask my guy if anything could be done because it was very special to her and meant a lot. He asked me to take a look, and she said the same thing to me, saying she would pay anything to fix it, the cost did not matter. I looked up and we both were surprised I was kneeling right next to her.”

“What did you do Pete?” Mandy asked.

“I was polite, called her ‘Miss Holly’ as she was introduced to me as Holly, and that I would do anything I could for her to get it working. Even if I had to strip one I had just like it to get it up again. She almost looked like she wanted to cry, and I just picked it up and left. As I was putting it in my truck she came out, apologized, and said she had no idea I worked there. She then handed me the envelope and left.”

“Well, it was bound to happen again I guess. You two still live in The Valley here, and Julie told me she has run into her off and on several times. I have been gone for years, so only met her at the performance.”

I nodded and told Holly she was right. “And I believe she would not have called if she knew that was my business. Heck, Harry just did like he always does and called me ‘Boss’. She probably thinks I am his supervisor and just decided to run them over for him. I can’t imagine she would have called knowingly since it could have had her put in jail.”

“So what are you going to do now Pete? You still have not said.”

I sat on the couch between the two of them and gave them both hugs. “Well, I actually already fixed her computer. It only had a blown fuse, it’s up and running again. I figure on Monday I will drive back up there and deliver it, with a note. I will just hand her the computer, no charge. Then give her the note and leave. I’m going to essentially say that while I can not forgive her, I do understand and accept that she is trying to make amends. Admitting she has a lot to make up for, but I believe she is trying to be a better person, and wish her all the best. I guess, ‘closure’ is what I hear some of those shrinks on TV call it. And that I wish her well. And if she needs anything feel free to ask, even if the answer might be ‘No’.”

They both nodded and gave me hugs. “And this weekend Mandy, I am going to go see your mom and let her read them also. She also has a right to read these I think.”

Mandy put her hand on my thigh and squeezed, and said she wanted to add a note also. “It made me sad, knowing what she has gone through. And she seems really sad that she missed me, and I now feel ashamed at what I did. Reading that she deserved it, and she would happily let me slap her again just so she could see me, was, well, depressing. I will admit that before tonight, I likely would have slapped her again if I saw her. But, fuck Pete, she was basically saying she would gladly let me beat her if it meant she could see me in exchange. I still hate her, but that’s just too much. This Bobby really fucked her up. I think she is still suffering from that abuse.”

“Well, I will see if I can at sometime in the future offer to have her see a shrink. But she does look a hell of a lot better. Those implants are gone, and she dressed, like a somewhat sexier version of what Becky might wear. Not quite as professional and classy, but nowhere near the slut look I had seen her in on leave. And her hair is back to its natural color, and long and straight. Maybe kinda like how she would have looked if not getting into what she has been doing the last few years.”

“I will write to her also. She has not piled up anywhere near as much hate from me as she has from you two. Her kinda clumsy attempts at seducing me is really the worst she ever did directly to me. But I was angry for what she had put you two through. I can forgive her, at least for what she had tried with me. Heck, if I hated everybody who had ever tried to seduce me, I would be sitting here alone.” Mandy and I both laughed at that, and we both gave her a hug.

“Naw, I never tried to seduce you, Holly. I just let it be known that if I thought I had a chance I would take it. Admission of willingness is not quite the same thing as actually trying to seduce you.” Holly nodded and admitted that was more accurate for what Mandy had done than compared to Linda. Things got a little brighter, and I even showed them Linda’s computer. Holly pointed out a small heart-shaped sticker on the back of the door where the volume and other controls were, and I saw “LC+PC” in the center of the sticker.

Mandy left, and came back with a bottle of 409 and some paper towels, and started to clean the outside of the case. I took the keyboard and tapped it and used a can of air to blow out years of debris that was inside, even seeing both brown and blonde hair falling out. And Holly kissed both of us on the cheek and asked to use my computer.

We had just finished cleaning it, with Mandy using Windex on the screen and I grabbed a new power cord and put it inside the holder above the floppy drive. Holly rejoined us and put an envelope in the same space, and said she was done.

Mandy went next, and Holly and I talked as she typed away, spending over an hour before she came out with a rather thick envelope which she also slid into the computer. I fixed the keyboard back into the position as a lid, and set it by the front door.

I apologized and said I hoped I had not ruined their evenings. Holly snorted and said that they were only planning n watching TV that night. Mandy grinned and said that her “visitor” had finally left the day before, and her boyfriend was probably upset that I had ruined a night of fornication. Finally, Holly grinned and told me to pick a movie, and she grabbed Mandy by the hand and headed upstairs.

I decided on watching Arthur, a movie I had not seen in a few years. I know I needed something that was mostly light and silly. And I was not surprised when the girls came down in two of my dress shirts. We all laughed and hugged each other, and when I hit play Holly said it was appropriate. “Gee, it’s like 1981 all over again!”

We all had fun watching the movie, and Mandy said she was going to sleep in my old room, as Holly slept in Georgie’s old room. We all hugged each other goodnight and went to bed. When I got up the girls were already downstairs, having cereal and coffee as they both had to head to work. I went ahead and had breakfast after they left. A few hours later at work when Harry came in after a job I told him the computer was fixed, and would deliver it myself the next week.

On Friday after wrapping up another one night game about reporting on the events of a herd of cattle breaking through a fence and stampeding through a town, I realized that I had not heard from Kelly. And that I did not even have her home phone number, I had always contacted her at work. I got a call the next day from Brad, asking me if I would attend a small convention in Portland in February. I told him I did not see why not and told him it would be nice to get out for a bit. I told him I was working on another book of simple one to two hour adventures and would send it to him once I had them all tested.

I called Rosie and she came on over, and I handed her the letters so she could read them also. She also was upset at what she read, but at reading the last notes said that she seemed to be doing better, and sounded more like her old self. I asked if she wanted to send Linda a note also, and she shook her head. “No, it might be best if she never knows I read this. But thank you, it does explain a lot about the last few years, Pete. She had told me she was living with Gary, I had just assumed he was her boyfriend, not just a friend that cared about her.”

On Monday after I got in I gave Kelly a call at work, and she told me I had missed a good night skating. I apologized and said that I was not in the mood at the time to discuss it, and asked when we could get together again. She said she would give me a call, and after talking a few more minutes we hung up. I put Linda’s computer in the truck, and after stopping for lunch pulled in at the Agoura Hills house she was working out of. I knocked on the garage, but nobody answered. I was walking to the door when a big guy came out and asked who I was, and I said I was looking for Linda to return her computer.

A few minutes later Rocco came out and said she was not there. He saw the computer and said he would make sure she got it. I saw no reason to refuse so handed it to him. The three letters were in the disk tray, and I figured she would quickly find them when she did get it back.

The next night I spent the evening handing out candy and talking with a few of the neighbors. And the next week I picked up the next five pallets of equipment from my dad’s old company. This was the last of the Zenith 286 systems, and the first of the Zenith 386 systems. These were the same as the 286, but a newer processor. And for at least this lot, there was a pallet of 20” VGA monitors. I also signed a contract for $18,000 each for the next five shipments.

I got them back to the shop and Blake and I opened the case of the first 386 we pulled off the stack as Sue went to work on checking the 286’s. It fired up, and we both whistled. “Holy shit Pete, it has a co-processor, and 4 MB of RAM! Yea it’s only an 80386-16, but that will still run circles around most faster ones. And an 80 MB hard drive.”

“Well, set ten of them aside, we can use those for servers or something. Go ahead and test them and price them out. We do get people in sometimes looking for CAD and other systems like this. On half of them, pull the 80s and stick in 40s. And go ahead and throw in one of those Alps printers with the ones you leave with a 387 and 80. Those are sweet wide carriage units, I’m sure somebody will want those. But let’s only add those to that model.”

He nodded and sat down to work out a price as I told Julie what we were bringing out next. She nodded as I told her what would be in them as the UPS guy arrived. He delivered three boxes, and I took them all into the back and set them up on my workbench. And I opened them and pulled out the contents.

I looked at the chip once I took it out of the box. An 80486-25! Blake, Sue, and Abe all came over from time to time as I configured the motherboard and soon had it all mounted in the case. A 100 MB hard drive went in next, and a CD-ROM and video card. Network card, MODEM, and an AdLib card also went in. I got it loaded up, and ran a few benchmarks. This baby smoked! I went ahead and installed SimCity. And it loaded amazingly fast, even compared to my 386 at home. Julie came back to see what I was playing with, and she sighed when I handed her the invoice.

“This one is mine, but go ahead and price up one almost like it. I am going to put it in the front for sale. Have Eve clear out the front table, it should be out in about an hour.” She nodded, and I went ahead and packed everything up and set it in my office. I pulled out one of the black cases and decided to hell with it, I would include a used 20” monitor.

I got the system done in about an hour and a half and threw on some shareware games and a few demo programs. And everybody thought the demo looked great, it was loading smoothly and looked beautiful on the large screen.

The next day I walked next door and bought a TV set from the pawnshop, and set it up in the store. And we were all watching the news out of East Germany. Refugees streaming through Czechoslovakia into West Germany, demonstrations in Leipzig and East Berlin, it looked like the country of East Germany was coming apart at the seams. I watched, thrilled and appalled at the same time. The bloody crackdowns in Poland and two years of Martial Law were not all that long ago.

Abe and I both watched the news and were nervous. Like me, he remembered Poland, and knew what the Soviets had done to Bulgaria and Hungary in the past when they tried to pull on the leash the Soviets had around their necks. Tanks rolling across the border, and lots of blood.

And when I drove home that night, the TV was showing crowds of West Germans dancing on the Berlin Wall! Dancing, were they insane? Just one nervous order to the East German border guards with their AK-47s and it would be a massacre.

I watched a few hours later, drinking a glass of Scotch at the sight as cars full of East Germans were allowed to just drive through Checkpoint Charley! For over a decade before I was born a sight we all knew, of where people who tried to pass with fake papers were taken to unknown locations and never seen again. And here they were, driving through it like people taking a routine drive in the country.

And from both sides, people were smashing the wall with hammers! I sat there full of awe at their bravery, and fear of when the Soviet Union would wake up and react as they always had in the past. But when I went to bed, that had still not happened, and it was like a party was going on. I had nightmares however of the party being crashed by Spetsnaz and the dancers on the wall doing the “Spandau Ballet”. I woke up covered in sweat and remembering that somewhere I had read that the band got their name from a slang term given by WWI German soldiers after using the MG-8 “Spandau” machine gun on UK forces trapped in barbed wire. That the bodies of Tommy’s trapped in the wire seemed to be doing a kind of dance as they were shot over and over again. But I had also heard that the name of the band came from when the NAZI leaders were hung after their trials at Spandau Prison, the kicking of their feet and bodies was like a ballet. Either of these were well within the capacity of the Soviets and Stasi.