Chapter 14

I stood there for a moment and simply fumed. I balled my hands into fists and then flexed my fingers. Tension and frustration flowed through my body, and I felt my muscles begin to quiver slightly with pent-up emotion. My breath came in staccato bursts through my nose, the sound like a bull makes when it’s ready to charge.

“Paul, please.”

Maybe it was the strumming of emotion in my ears, or maybe it was simply the wind in the trees, but I still couldn’t tell whose voice it was. I strained and replayed the plea in my head, trying to discern the speaker.

Why did I care?

I’d only gotten scorn and derision from Gina. Kara’s revelation and attraction notwithstanding, I wasn’t in the mood for human contact, much less female contact.

“Please.”

She sounded desperate, and I almost turned. But with an effort of will, I slowly relaxed my muscles, from head to toe. Then I took a deep breath. Without turning around, I continued walking.

Behind me, I heard the sound of sobbing. I was so angry, I didn’t care.

If you beat a dog enough, sooner or later it will quit coming back for more. I had reached that point. I was tired of playing the idiotic puppy that was eager to get kicked again.

Twilight was deepening as I reached the edge of the lake. When I turned up the hill, I heard footsteps behind me—I ignored them and deliberately kept walking. A hand reached out and grabbed my bicep, but I pulled away with an angry shrug and continued up the hill. She reached out for me again, this time with both hands. I could have pulled away a second time, but I didn’t. I honestly didn’t care which girl it was. I rounded on her furiously.

“What?!”

Kara flinched and shrank back. I’m sure the look in my eyes clearly conveyed how livid I was. I’m not usually a violent person, but at that moment, I wanted to break something.

“Paul, I—”

“Is this some fucking game to you?! Who Gets The Guy? You and Gina play it, maybe you flip a fucking coin?”

She shook her head and backed away as I advanced menacingly toward her.

“This is my fucking life we’re talking about!” I raged.

She stopped backing up and clasped her hands in front of her. Then she closed her eyes, swallowing hard as she did.

I could tell she was scared, and I felt a momentary pang of guilt.

“Paul ... Come back. Please?” Her voice was soft, feminine, scared, and so much like Gina’s.

“Why?” I asked, my tone laden with scorn. “Do I have an abuse low-level light? Maybe I need to go back so she can put a fucking cherry on the bitch sundae? Is that it?”

Her eyes still closed, Kara shook her head.

“What then? What possible reason could I have for going back to that clearing?”

“She loves you.”

“Yeah?” I snorted derisively. “Well, she’s got a strange fucking way of showing it.” I took a step toward her and she involuntarily flinched. “When I love someone,” I said, “I don’t treat them like shit.”

“She was scared.”

“Scared?!” I waved my arms and she cringed again. “Of what?” She started to speak but I cut her off. “This I gotta hear. I wanna know what’s so scary that it turns a woman into a first-fucking-class bitch.”

Kara opened her eyes and looked at me steadily. “She was scared of losing you.”

“Yeah? Well, she must be fucking terrified now, because now she’s actually lost me.”

“No, please. You can’t mean that.” She reached for me automatically, but one look at my suddenly feral expression and she recoiled in alarm.

“You want to see how much I mean it?” I asked dangerously.

She shook her head quickly. “I know you still love her,” she said.

“And what makes you think that?” Some of the towering rage was draining out of me, but I was still full of adrenaline and seething with resentment.

“You remember I told you about the opposite of love?”

“So?”

“It’s not hate. It’s indifference.”

“Yeah, well, it may take me a while, but right now I’m working on indifference.”

She looked at me, her face a mask of anguish, and her eyes brimmed with tears.

Without saying another word, I turned and walked up the hill.

I lay on my bed for a long time that night. Sometime later, Erin climbed into the bunk beneath me and said goodnight. I mumbled something but she was too sleepy to reply. Mom and Dad came back a while later, but I didn’t feel like talking to them.

My emotions were awhirl and I was full of conflicting desires. In my mind, I summoned up the conversation and thought it through. Even though recalling Gina’s attitude only served to make me angrier, I still did it. Why couldn’t I stop thinking about her? Why was she so mad at me? What had I done? I just didn’t understand her, or girls at all, for that matter. I thought I did, maybe a little, but I was wrong.

Worse still, my feelings alternated between horny and furious. My poor dick probably didn’t know what to do, stand at attention or simply lie there and be still. Thinking of Gina and her sisters having sex made me incredibly horny, and I would feel my manhood stiffening. Then I would think of her expression, or her attitude over the past week, and my erection would just as quickly deflate.

The worst part (worse than being horny, angry, and alone, that is) was that I felt adrift. Gina had always been a sort of an anchor for me. Even when I was most worried about Amy and her potential pregnancy, I couldn’t stop thinking about Gina. Now, I felt that queasy feeling you get when you spin around so much that you can’t tell which direction is up.

I also felt bad about yelling at Kara. I know she was only trying to help, but I was angry and she was convenient. I knew better than to take my resentment and frustration out on her, and I castigated myself for doing it.

At the root of it all was the despair I felt. I wanted to be angry with Gina. I wanted to make her hurt and suffer as much as I had. But I also loved her. I couldn’t shake the feeling, no matter how hard I concentrated on all her petty, vindictive actions.

Love isn’t supposed to hurt like this, is it?

Needless to say, I didn’t sleep well that night.

When I got up the next morning, it was still early. I was tired, but I was awake. I didn’t even feel like working out. I grabbed my towel and headed down to the lake. A cool morning mist hung over the water, but I dived in anyway.

I swam out to the raft and pulled myself onto it. The sun was just coming over the ridge behind the clubhouse, and I watched the first rays bathe the valley with their orange glow. For a moment at least, I was at peace. I didn’t think of anything except the sun and the slowly warming air around me. As the golden shafts of light touched more and more of the basin, the air filled with the sounds of the woods.

After a while, I took a running dive and knifed into the cold, clear water. I swam to the shore on one lungful of air, coming up in a burst of spray, gasping for breath. I slicked back my hair, put my hands on the brick coping, and kicked upward. Not bothering to even dry myself, I wrapped my towel around my waist and headed up the hill.

I sat on the clubhouse’s side patio for a long time, simply looking out over the shuffleboard courts. I could hear the sounds of people trickling into the clubhouse behind me, but I paid them little attention.

I knew I had a big day ahead of me—moving all of Mr. Kestrel’s belongings—so I wanted to enjoy the quiet as long as I could. I still didn’t know if Gina would help us or not, and I’d like to say I didn’t care.

Unfortunately, I did.

Once my immediate anger and pent-up frustration had been expunged, I realized that I wanted to see her. I thought I was crazy. I must be crazy.

When I heard the screen door behind me open, I idly wondered who it was, but didn’t turn around. The person pulled a chair next to mine and moved around to sit down. In my peripheral vision, I saw a short, shapely, darkly tanned body. I wondered how I would feel if it was Gina. Once again, conflicting emotions assailed me.

“Hi,” she said.

I turned and Kara smiled at me tentatively. “Hi,” I said flatly.

“So,” she said conversationally. “You all are moving Mr. Kestrel’s stuff today, right?”

I regarded her coolly. “That’s not what you came here to talk about, is it?”

She blinked in surprise and then shook her head.

I crossed my legs and turned back to look down the terraced hill. “Listen,” I said. “I’m sorry about last night. I know you were only trying to help. I was angry.”

“I know.”

“That’s not an excuse for how I treated you, though,” I said. “I wasn’t angry with you, and I shouldn’t have lost my temper. I’m sorry.”

She was silent for a moment.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw her nod.

“You had every right to be angry. Gina hasn’t been very nice to you.” She paused and then drew a deep breath. “And I probably shouldn’t’ve said what I said.”

I shook my head. “It needed to be said, I guess. I mean, I know what I did was wrong. Hearing it from you didn’t make me feel any worse.”

She nodded.

“But I don’t think Gina thought she was doing anything wrong,” I said. “She needed to be knocked off her high horse, and I sure couldn’t do it.”

Kara shrugged and nodded again.

We sat in silence for a few minutes, the unseen presence of Gina hanging in the air between us.

“How is she?” I finally asked.

“Upset. Ashamed. Scared.”

I nodded silently.

“She still loves you,” Kara said softly.

I nodded again, not trusting myself to speak. On one hand, I wanted to make Gina hurt like I had hurt, like I did hurt. It was mean and spiteful, but it was how I felt. On the other hand, I wanted to do anything to take away her suffering and pain.

“She wants to talk to you.”

“Yeah, well, I don’t know if I’d be very good company right now.”

Kara was silent for a long moment. “You know,” she said reflectively, “you’re a lot more mature than most sixteen-year-old guys.”

I shrugged.

“I’m serious. You’re kinda introspective, and you actually think about what you say before you say it.”

I didn’t know how to respond, so I kept my mouth shut.

“Maybe that’s why I’m so attracted to you.”

My throat suddenly felt tight.

“You’re not even really like guys my age,” she said.

I snorted softly.

“It’s true. I know that’s why Stacy loves you. Well, that and a lot of other reasons.”

“I guess.”

She nodded. “And it’s why you’re so sexy.”

I turned to regard her as calmly as I could. “You mean, you were serious about ... um ... what you said last night?”

She nodded simply.

My towel-covered penis stirred at the thought, but I tried to consciously will my arousal to subside.

“Yeah,” she said. “I was. I am. I think you’re really sexy. And hunky. But ... well ... Gina and I kinda have these rules.”

I thought back to a conversation I’d had with Gina, on the couch in my family’s cabin. It had been her last day at camp the previous summer, and it had been nearly perfect. I wondered if I’d ever get the chance to repeat the experience. I shook my head and dragged my thoughts back to the present.

“We had this big fight a couple of years ago,” Kara said. “About a guy.”

“She told me.”

“She did?”

I nodded.

“Yeah, that makes sense. Ever since then,” she continued, “we’ve kinda had these rules. The big one is that we never try to steal the other one’s guy.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“So ... I mean ... you know. Since she’s still got feelings for you, I’ve got to respect that.”

In a way, it was a relief. But in a way ... Stop it, Paul! You too, little Paul.

“I might not want to,” she said, “but I will. Even after some of the things Stacy told me.” She closed her eyes and swallowed hard. “That thing you do, where you stop and calm down for a minute, so you can last longer.” She shivered involuntarily. “God, there are a lot of older guys who’ve never figured that one out.”

I blinked at her, completely flabbergasted.

When she opened her eyes and saw my expression, she grinned. “Sorry. I guess I got a little carried away.”

“Well,” I said dryly, “you were pretty close to having me carry you away.”

She smiled wryly and inclined her head in my direction.

I shrugged.

“I just wanted you to know that I really do think you’re attractive, and I was serious about what I said last night. But ... you know.”

I nodded.

“We can’t do anything. Gina would never forgive me. And you might be a great guy...” Her eyes wandered over my shoulders and torso, then momentarily settled on my groin. “But she’s my sister. Okay?”

“I’m cool,” I said.

She reached out and put her hand on my arm. “Thanks. You are a great guy. You and Gina really do deserve each other.”

“I dunno.”

“You really do. You just need to figure that out for yourselves.”

“I guess.”

“She still wants to talk to you,” Kara said.

I didn’t know how I felt about that, or if I was even ready. On one hand, I was still a little angry with her. I couldn’t wipe away my feelings of frustration and resentment overnight. It might have been mean-spirited and bitter, but I wanted to make her sweat a little. But, I thought to myself ruefully, that was precisely what she had done to me. Was I big enough to forgive and forget? I wanted to think so, but I just wasn’t sure.

“If you don’t want to talk to her, I’ll tell her.”

I shook my head. “No,” I said. “I guess we probably need to talk. I don’t know exactly how I feel about her, but I won’t do to her what she did to me.”

“I understand.”

I nodded.

“Is now okay? Or do you want to wait till later?”

“Now’s fine, I guess.”

Kara nodded and placed her hands on my forearm. “You are a great guy, Paul. In many ways, you’re a lot more mature than Gina. You’re the first big relationship she’s had with a guy.”

I nodded.

“She’s scared, and insecure, and she doesn’t really know what to do. But she does love you.”

“Okay. Thanks.”

She stood and then bent to kiss my cheek. “I’ll go get her,” she said softly.

I stopped her before she could leave. “One question,” I said quietly.

She looked at me a little pensively, but nodded.

“When I stormed off last night,” I asked, “which one of you called out to me?” When Kara smiled patiently, I found myself on pins and needles, waiting for the answer. She looked into my eyes and I tried not to let my anxiety show.

“Gina,” she said.

I looked at her skeptically. “Really?”

“Yeah,” she said, nodding. “She called out at first, but I ran after you. Obviously.”

I nodded solemnly. “Thanks.”

She patted my arm. “I’ll go get her now.”

I nodded again, and she turned to leave.

A few minutes later, I heard the screen door open behind me. I was tempted to keep staring straight ahead, but I mentally admonished myself and turned to look.

Gina stuck her head out tentatively. Her eyes were red from crying, and instead of looking at me, she stared at the ground.

“Can I come out?” she asked softly.

“Yeah.”

She stepped onto the porch and let the screen door shut softly behind her. When it became clear she was just going to stand there, I gestured to the chair her sister had so recently vacated. She sat, and I noticed a couple of wadded-up Kleenex in her fist. She also wore the silver bracelet I’d given her.

Neither of us spoke for several long moments, and I could almost feel her anxiety growing. For my part, I don’t know what I felt. It was kind of like one part love, two parts simmering resentment.

“So,” I said musingly. “What did you want to talk about?” How lame was that?!

“Did Kara tell you... ?” she asked hesitantly.

I nodded. “Yeah,” I said without looking at her. “But it’s not the same as you telling me.”

She sniffled. Out of my peripheral vision, I saw her wipe the corner of her eye. “What do you want to know?”

When I turned and looked at her, I knew what she thought I was going to ask. I could almost feel her desire, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I don’t know how I knew, but I did. She thought I was going to ask if she still loved me. Instead, I said, “I dunno. I guess I want to know why.”

She looked panicked for a moment, looking over her shoulder and then back at me. “Didn’t Kara tell you?”

I nodded. “But I want to hear it from you.”

She swallowed hard and looked at me with wide, scared eyes.

I let the silence draw out. “So ... why?”

She fidgeted with her Kleenex, staring at her hands as she did. “I was angry,” she said meekly.

“Yeah, well, that much was obvious,” I said sardonically.

“And scared.”

“Of what?”

She took a deep, shuddering breath. “Of losing you.”

“Why?” I asked, genuinely perplexed. When we’d had The Talk, hadn’t I said I loved her? Hadn’t I said I wanted to work things out? Did I stutter?

She shrugged expressively.

“What made you think that?”

Instead of answering me, she fidgeted with her Kleenex and made a noncommittal sound.

“Okay,” I said. “Forget it. I guess there’s no sense in bringing it up again.”

She looked up and gazed at me intently, trying to discern my mood.

I smiled. It wasn’t a happy smile, but at least it wasn’t a scowl. Over the past week, I’d seen more than my fair share of scowls, mostly from Gina. As much as I might have wanted to, I didn’t return the favor.

She smiled sadly in return.

“Do you want to have a relationship with me?” I asked.

She looked hopeful. “If you want me to.”

I shook my head, but I immediately realized she misunderstood me. I quickly explained. “It’s not about what I want. It’s about what you want. So, what do you want?”

“I want things to go back to the way they used to be,” she said softly.

“That may take some time,” I said honestly.

She nodded sadly and then studied her hands.

“But if we talk to each other, instead of just getting angry and frustrated, I think we’ll both be happier.”

When she looked up and saw that I was serious, she smiled the first happy smile I’d seen from her in a long time. It was still a far cry from the bright smile she flashed when she was truly happy. Her expression was wan and a little scared, but it was a start.

“Do you still want to help move Mr. Kestrel’s stuff?” I asked.

“If you want me to.”

I started to tell her it wasn’t about what I wanted, but checked myself. “I’d like that,” I said instead.

Her answering smile actually reached her eyes.

“Why don’t we have breakfast?” I suggested. “How ‘bout a couple of oranges?”

She nodded quickly and practically leapt to her feet. “I’ll get them,” she said.

She was through the door before I could even answer. In little more than a minute, she returned with two large oranges and some paper towels. We ate the oranges in a companionable, if uncertain, silence.

I still loved her. I was sure of that. But I still had a great deal of resentment and hurt to work through. That would take time.

I went looking for Manfred and Jenny as soon as Gina and I finished breakfast. I wanted to get the truck loaded before the heat of the day. And I didn’t want the two of them sneaking off for a morning quickie before I could find them. We had a job to do, and I wanted to get it done.

Luckily, I found them each having breakfast with their respective families. I looked at my watch, eight fifteen, and told them to meet me at Susan’s house in fifteen minutes. I also told them that they’d probably want to wear sneakers. They both seemed eager to help—I guess fifty dollars will do that.

Neither Gina nor I had said anything about it, but she quietly tagged along while I told Manfred and Jenny about the schedule. Once the two of them knew when and where, Gina went to talk to her family. Kara smiled smugly when we approached. Gina told her mom she was going to help move Mr. Kestrel’s stuff, and then we went over to my parents’ table.

Afterward, we walked up the hill in silence. I really didn’t know what to say, and she obviously didn’t want to talk about her behavior. I guess I didn’t feel the need to press the issue. Besides, I could tell she was lost in thought.

When we stopped at my cabin, I invited her inside while I put on my shoes. She shifted from foot to foot as she waited. I quickly got the idea she was working up the nerve to say something. I finished tying my shoelaces and stood, looking at her expectantly as I did. She dithered for a moment, then took a deep breath.

“Paul?”

“Mmm hmm?”

“There’s ... well ... there’s something I want to say.”

I waited for a moment, silently watching her gather her courage.

She lifted her chin and looked at me with an earnest, serious expression.

I mentally steeled myself for whatever she had to say.

“I’m sorry.”

At first, I cocked my head to the side, not quite sure what she was sorry about.

“I’m sorry for how I treated you,” she said.

I nodded.

She wrung her hands and concentrated on the floor. “I didn’t know what to do,” she said plaintively. “At first, I was angry. But then I got scared. I was scared of losing you.” She swallowed hard.

“I’m sorry, too,” I said. “But let’s not worry about that. Not now. The past is behind us.”

She nodded, and we stood in silence for several long moments.

“Paul?”

“Yeah?”

“I know it doesn’t mean anything, but will you do something for me?”

“If I can.”

“Will you hug me? Maybe just once?”

As she looked at me with wide, anxious eyes, I nearly melted. I nodded, and she tentatively stepped toward me. When I spread my arms, she rushed into them. It felt good to hold her, to feel her warm skin pressed against mine.

“I’ve been so lonely,” she said, half sobbing. She squeezed me tight and her tears finally began to flow.

For the time being, my anger and resentment drained away. Holding a beautiful, crying girl in your arms is a pretty good way to stop thinking about yourself. I don’t recommend doing what it takes to make the girl cry, but if you do, a warm embrace will go a long way toward making things right. It wouldn’t solve all of our problems, I thought, but at least it was a step in the right direction.

We stood like that for a long time, Gina wordlessly sobbing and me holding her, simply offering the comfort of my chest and arms. At first, I’d been unsure about rushing things. But even as she cried, I began thinking about her body and how much I enjoyed having her close to me.

Trust a horny sixteen-year-old to think of sex at a time like this! I almost laughed out loud when I realized what I was doing.

Finally, her tears dried up and she sniffled disconsolately. She pulled back and looked up at me.

“I’m so sorry,” she said, her voice hoarse.

“Shhhh,” I breathed, pulling her against me. “It’s okay. We’ll figure things out.”

She nodded against my chest. “I hope so.”

“We will.”

After running up to Gina’s cabin to get her shoes, we were late getting to Susan’s house. Manfred smirked at me as we entered the courtyard. I could easily tell what he thought we’d been doing. Leave it to Manfred to be completely dense. Susan smiled at the two of us as she stood up, then we all headed out.

The previous night, Susan had driven to town, rented a 24’ U-Haul truck, and left her car at the U-Haul lot. When she returned to camp, she parked the truck at Mr. Kestrel’s house and then walked back to hers. She told us she’d also filled the ice cube trays while she was at his house. We wouldn’t have air conditioning (the doors would be open all day anyway), but at least we’d have cold drinks.

The walk to Mr. Kestrel’s house took about twenty minutes. Once we got there, we opened the big U-Haul and pulled out the ramp. Susan had also rented a dolly and a bunch of padded blankets for the furniture. We left the furniture blankets in the back of the truck and wheeled the dolly down the ramp.

Once inside, Susan and I gave the others a quick tour. When we looked into The Room, I was reminded of how much different it was with all the bondage paraphernalia gone. During the tour, Susan checked her list and pointed out things that would be going to storage, the Salvation Army, or the camp.

Susan had also brought along colored dot stickers, one color for each destination. We decided to load the storage items first, then the Salvation Army things, and finally, the camp stuff. There were also several things which would stay at the house, like the major appliances.

Without further ado, we got started.

While Susan, Gina, and Jenny put the appropriate colored stickers on boxes, Manfred and I began moving the furniture that was destined for storage. Instead of directly affixing the stickers to the furniture, Susan put the colored dots on index cards and simply taped them to the wood.

Moving all of Mr. Kestrel’s stuff took a lot less effort than I thought it would. Manfred and I used the dolly or simply carried the furniture to the truck. Once there, we figured out how to place it, then used the blankets for padding. Jenny brought out smaller boxes, which we used to fill in around the furniture. Inside, Susan and Gina grouped boxes together and generally “staged” things for us to load.

After about two hours, we had the majority of the house’s contents loaded in the truck. We’d all been very careful, and nothing major had broken (although one lampshade was completely destroyed, and Manfred and I managed to gash the back of one of the dressers slated for the Salvation Army). We were hot, sweaty, and thirsty. At last, we took a final survey of the house to make sure we hadn’t missed anything.

Manfred and I went out to the truck to load the dolly and store the ramp while the girls fixed tall glasses of ice water for everyone. When our thirst was sated, we locked up the house and piled into the cab of the truck. It was a tight squeeze with the five of us, so Jenny sat on Manfred’s lap and Gina sat on mine.

Susan drove to the clubhouse and parked in the grass, about thirty feet from the front door. The girls took boxes of kitchen stuff into the building while Manfred and I unloaded two couches and several padded easy chairs. It took us about fifteen minutes to unload everything for the camp.

Afterward, we decided to wash off the sweat and dust by taking a quick dip in the lake. The five of us walked down the hill, chatting about the rest of the day and generally enjoying ourselves.

Things weren’t back to normal between Gina and me, but they were getting better. She was shy and a little hesitant around me, and I guess I was the same way around her. I wasn’t angry with her (as long as I didn’t think about the previous week), but I wasn’t as open as I had been, either.

For their part, Manfred and Jenny were just plain goofy. They teased each other, they flirted, and they made suggestive comments. It was actually kind of funny to watch— Gina and I merely rolled our eyes and grinned at their antics.

After the heat, humidity, and dust, the lake was shockingly cold. As soon as I dived in, my poor testicles pulled up tight, seeking the warmth of my body. Manfred and Jenny were in their own little world, and they still hadn’t figured out that there was something different between Gina and me. I guess I was happy to let them maintain their ignorance.

We swam around for about thirty minutes, just being teenagers, then went up to Susan’s for lunch. She fixed us a bunch of ham and cheese sandwiches, which we wolfed down. Afterward, each of us went back to our cabins (and in Manfred’s case, to his family’s room) to get dressed.

I know it’s a little funny, but I actually paid attention to the clothes everyone wore. I guess I was so used to seeing them without clothing that I found myself interested in everyone’s choices in attire.

Manfred wore cut-off jeans, a Led Zeppelin “Zoso” t-shirt, and goofy knee-length athletic socks with red stripes around the tops. Jenny appeared wearing light blue short-shorts and a matching crop-top t-shirt. Gina was wearing yellow shorts with a white spaghetti-strap tank top. I had picked out some comfortable shorts and an old US Navy t-shirt from my dad. Susan wore Bermuda shorts and a button-up shirt with the ends tied together a few inches below her breasts.

Gina’s hair was held back with yellow barrettes and Jenny had hers in a ponytail. Much to my enjoyment, none of the women wore a bra.

At that point, we hit our first logistical snafu. We couldn’t all ride in the truck, and Susan had left her car at the U-Haul lot. After a serious discussion between Susan and my parents, they decided to let me drive Mom’s car. I’d never driven that far by myself, but I would be following Susan as she drove the truck.

Dad took me aside and impressed upon me the seriousness of the situation. No speeding, no goofing around, and no fooling around, he said. I tried to look innocent, but he wasn’t buying it. When he was satisfied that I appreciated the gravity of the task, he patted me on the shoulder and told me I’d do fine.