Chapter 23: Family Ties

[ I just had a thought – I might have to change some of the “details” of this part of the story to please my editor (the young people tell me he’s what’s called “The Man“).]

I haven’t written much about the children, mainly because this part is supposed to be about “Ted and I.” (Or is it “Ted and Me”? I think grammatical cases can be made for both versions, don’t you?)

Anyhow, I discovered that I loved every bit about being a mother again. I mean, I had no doubt – no doubt at all – that I would love being mother to Caleen and Eddie and Shana. I guess I just didn’t realize how much I would enjoy it.

Anyhow – how can I describe being a mother again – this time, of three?

Let me put it as plainly as possible: I wake up every morning looking forward to the privilege of being the mother to these three children.

Remember that we – that is, Caleen and Eddie and I – started out by being “playmates,” I guess you’d say, when Candace and Ted brought them all up for Lauren’s and Matt’s wedding. And I kind of did a stint as their mother pro tem during the three weeks that Candace was away in the Netherlands on a business trip and they invited me up to care for them. [Well, you know how those three weeks turned out, don’t you!]

But now, Candace and Ted had entrusted me with the responsibility of being the real, full-time, no-excuses mother to them. And I love them. I love that they were Candace’s children (and always will be), and that she trusted me enough to turn over her responsibilities to me when she wasn’t able to ... wasn’t able. And I love them because they’re Ted’s, and I don’t have to explain to you why that’s important. And also, it’s because there’s some of Ted in each of them, and that’s a very good thing.

And I love them because they love me. I don’t know how or why, but for some reason, from the very beginning, Caleen and Eddie thought that I was the most wonderful grownup in the world (besides their Mommy, of course); and they made sure to convey this information to Shana just as soon as she was old enough to grasp it.

Don’t get me wrong – they weren’t perfect little angels, and everything wasn’t all sunshine and lollipops and rainbows and unicorns. There were squabbles, and failures to do chores, and “Why? Because I’m your mother and I said so, that’s why!” moments. And the usual spilt glasses of milk because they were horsing around at the table. And the occasional bouts of moodiness. You know the story with kids.

And there was Eddie’s broken arm when he got thrown off a merry-go-round at the playground, and the time Caleen had a fever of 104, and the trip to the emergency room when Shana had a nosebleed that we couldn’t stop. And the time that Caleen got expelled from school for three days for punching a boy (a foot taller than she) because he’d teased Eddie ‘til he cried. (When she was little, Caleen was tiny, and blond, and curly, and cute, and she resembled nothing so much as a young Shirley Temple. But she could be absolutely fierce.)

And at the end of every day, I loved every bit of it.

As parents, Ted and I were incredibly lucky. We had a nice home, in a good neighborhood, and just a few hundred feet away from “family” – Lauren and Matt and “Little Paul” – my great-grandson; and James and Mai, and Janey, Ben, and Christiana. The children’s playmates were great kids from wonderful families. We didn’t have a single worry about who our children were spending their time with.

Caleen was very much like her mother. All three of the children had Ted’s steadiness and considered patience, but beyond that, Caleen was like a little Candace. She was petite like Candace, and would probably end up within an inch or two of Candace’s 5’-2”, with Candace’s features and curly blond hair. And like her mother, she was smart as the dickens, excelled in school work, and was the joy of all her teachers.

But most of all, she has Candace’s perpetual enthusiasm and optimism and good heart and generous spirit. So many times, I have to stop and remember that I’m talking to Caleen, and not to her mother. And like her mother, she’s very responsible, and she often takes a role in helping me manage Eddie and Shana. In fact, we’re more often like ‘partners’ than mother-and-daughter.

And we talk about her mother a lot. Candace is a constant presence in our lives. Not just the photographs and the souvenirs, of course. We speak of her almost like she wasn’t dead – more like she’s a family member who lives a very long way away, that’s all. And in fact, when I find myself unsure as to how to handle a situation, I often help myself by “talking to” Candace. And you know what? She’s never steered me wrong.

Everyone played with everyone, but there has always been a particular closeness between Caleen and Lauren and Matt’s Paul – my great-grandson. When they were younger, she was the ‘big sister,’ and he was the tag-along ‘little brother.’ But as they got older (and Paul began to realize his genetic height potential), they started to relate on more of a peer basis. They did everything together, they helped each other with chores and with school work, and, most interestingly, they seemed to be able to take turns being the leader. And without us even being aware of it, they had somehow managed to hit upon an arrangement where they functioned as partners. We grown-ups frequently speculated on where this relationship was headed.

Eddie is – Eddie. He’s a good-looking little boy who’s sweet, and kind, and considerate, and always concerned about the well-being of others. He’s easy-going, had relatively few tantrums in the early years, and, generally, “went with the flow.” He’s the one who most resembles Ted physically, with the same build and the same (often shaggy) sandy brown hair. He’s good at the usual games and sports, but not great. In the early years, he was not the one who would get chosen first for teams, but he was usually third or fourth. Later in school, he made the baseball and basketball teams, but he was by no means a “star.”

He does well in school, but he was never a standout like Caleen. He’s pretty much a steady B student, and that’s OK. He does seem to have Ted’s artistic talents, though. Eddie was always interested in what his Dad was doing, and Ted was always very good (and patient) with him, first showing Eddie what he was working on, and now, teaching him how to use graphic design programs – from Microsoft Paint to Adobe Illustrator – that Ted regularly uses in his work. It turns out that Eddie is a quick study, and he and Ted really love working together. I can’t begin to tell you how happy it makes me to see them like that – it’s almost like there’s a new Ted in the making.

And he’s the most affectionate. From the very beginning, he was always hugging me, and he was the one who snuggled hardest and tried to get in closest when we were all in bed. Eddie was always the cuddlebear and the snugglebunny.

And Shana? She is perhaps the most “interesting.” Her features more resemble Ted’s than they do Candace. Unlike Caleen’s long, curly blond hair, hers is brown like Ted’s and usually cut straight and sort of short, and she basically looks like the classic tomboy. She is quieter than Caleen and Eddie, and she does well in school but she’s not a stand-out. She thinks about things a lot, and she often surprises us with her observations about family and other people and, now, about current events and science and politics.

And she is practical – almost militantly so. She analyzes every problem and quickly homes in on the most efficient solution, but she is also ready to dismiss insignificant matters as being just that. And she is quick to question “the way things are always done.” For example, when she was four, she asked me, “Momma, why do we set the table with the fork and knife and spoon the way we do?” For the next month, she experimented with different ways of laying out the utensils, trying to find a way she thought was more sensible. (And when she determined that there was no way that was demonstrably better, she resumed using the traditional set-up.)

Shana’s not a joiner. Caleen was always bubbly and outgoing and made friends with everyone. She played volleyball, later was on the softball and track teams, and now, band. Eddie gets along with everyone, of course, and there are boys − a few girls − that he plays with regularly, and sometimes they have dinner at each other’s houses or go places with each other’s families. Shana, on the other hand ... she’s not exactly “standoff-ish,” but she’s not particularly interested in making friends, either, and normal classroom activities seem to provide all the socialization she needs. The one person she does care about is her older brother. From the very start, she adored Eddie and always tried to go where he was going and do what he was doing. And Eddie, because he’s Eddie, did his best to make sure that his little sis never got left out.

********

[ I know, I know! I’m getting to it! You young people are so impatient.

Actually, I’m trying my very best to describe these people so you’ll be able to get a good picture of them in your minds, for when the time comes. Trust me – you’ll thank me! ]

One of the things I had forgotten about the joys of being a mother was the mixed “pleasure” of parent-teacher conferences. Of course, my Sofia had been a happy, easy child and a good student, so P-T conferences were always favorable experiences.

Now, with three kids – well, only two in school right now – Ted and I get to hear the different perspectives from different teachers about Caleen and Eddie. Their teachers told us that Caleen was cheerful, and polite, and very smart – and very well organized. And we got to hear that Eddie was incredibly sweet, and kind, and smart – but didn’t always “apply himself” to his school work – but his teachers weren’t worried, “because boys are often a little behind girls when it comes to that sort of thing.”

In fact, I got to know one of their teachers a bit – Caleen’s (and now Eddie’s) first grade teacher, Mrs. Varner. We both shop at the same supermarket, and one time I ran into her and her husband (Bob? Bill? Biff?) at the Mall. She seems like a nice person, in addition to being a good teacher for Caleen, and now, Eddie.

Sometimes, when Ted or I have conflicting responsibilities, “Aunt” Lauren (and sometimes Uncle Matthew) attend the conferences for us. This was never a problem for the teachers, because the reports were generally very good and there were seldom any “issues.”

And it was on one of these occasions when Lauren stood in for us that ... well, this is the way she related it to me:

LAUREN

“I’d already met with Eddie’s teacher and was waiting for Caleen to get out of volleyball practice. The school secretary showed me to some chairs in the hallway and invited me to wait there while Caleen’s team was finishing up. What I didn’t realize at first was that the chairs were right outside the teachers’ lounge, and thinking that the day was pretty much over and no one else was in the school, they had left the door open.

“I recognized the voice of Eddie’s teacher – the one I’d been talking with just a few minutes earlier. She said, ‘I just met with Eddie Schmidt’s aunt – his mother let me know that she wouldn’t be able to come in today and asked if his aunt could come this time. Since Eddie’s doing fine, and I guess his aunt lives so close to them, I thought that would be OK. She seems quite nice, and genuinely involved with Eddie, and the other children, too.’