Chapter 32: Callous Coercion

“Well! Well! Look at Miss May. This is a fine fix you’ve gotten yourself into.”

“I’m just contemplating where on you to begin devouring you.”

“Hope you like jarred baby food. Do you see this ball gag with a feeding tube? One more smart mouth utterance, I’ll taze you, and the next time you come to, your yakety yap will be super-glue plugged with this bad manners attenuator.”

Silence.

“Good. You aren’t quite as stupid as you look. Answer my questions truthfully, and we’ll get along just fine together. Understand?”

“Yeah.”

“The correct response is, ‘Yes Sir!’. Understand?”

“Yes Sir.”

“Fine, fine. I like how you are responding to instruction. How can we make my instructions a permanent part of your prime directive?”

“You can’t, Sir.”

“I believe you, but believe you could! If you were inspired to?”

“I believe you’re correct, Sir.”

“Fine. Now. What will it take to inspire you to take my instructions to heart?”

“The only heart I have pumps blood, so I don’t understand your reference, Sir.”

“Is that a smart mouth reply? Does that sound smart mouth to you, Linda? How about you, Dan-no? Is May being a smart ass again?”

“No Sir.”

“Okay. You’re fortunate my companions agree with you. Personally, I would have categorized it as disrespectful and gagged you. I’ll rephrase the question. What will it take to inspire you to mind my instructions?”

“Aren’t I minding you well enough, Sir? May I ask you a question?”

“Simon says, go ahead.”

“May I?”

“You may. I see you understand games have rules to be obeyed. Don’t try playing games with me. You don’t know the rules and the consequences are definitely something you would not wish to learn. Ask your question.”

“What have I done to offend and be treated by you this way? I’m certain I don’t deserve any of this.”

“What have you done? What has she done, she asks. Acting so innocent and ignorant of giving any offense. Incredible! You made yourself my enemy, and in so doing made me your enemy. This is how captured enemies are treated. So knock off the innocent victim act. It won’t serve you well at all. Just pisses me off, all the more!”

“How could I be your enemy. Sir?”

“Are you really so naive and ignorant? You threatened me.”

“I only warned you certain behaviors weren’t tolerated, Sir.”

“Warn my ass! You threatened to bite off my head and shit in my neck. Literally! You hastened to add, in case I doubted your intent.”

“Yes Sir.”

‘Well, don’t you know that was incredible stupidity on your part?”

“No Sir. Would you care to explain? I’ll add it to your dossier for future reference, to avoid repeats of this incident.”

“Damn! You’re even stupider than you look. I take back what I credited you with earlier. Okay, stupid. I’ll explain it to you, as I would to a child. Haha! You do look like a child even if you don’t talk or act like one. Here’s the dope, you dope. There are only two subcategories of threats and both fall under the category of Stupid.”

“Those subcategories are what you will explain to me, Sir?”

“Shut your yap and listen up. Two categories of threat, Bluff and Brag. Either you’re bragging what you are capable of and intend to do, or you are bluffing, hoping to manipulate me by intimidation. There are no other types of threat. Both are incredibly stupid.”

“Why would they be stupid, Sir? Threat has been part of International diplomacy and all negotiations for nearly forever. Even if the threat is only to break off negotiations.”

“What is the non-cowardly correct response to either type of threat?”

“Negotiation?”

“Preemptive strike. You threaten me? I can’t afford waiting until you show your hold card. Bluff or Brag, I’m taking it as a serious intent and destroying you before you can initiate or prepare. Now you see why threats are stupid. Not only invites an attack, it demands one.”

“Excuse me for saying it, but you’re insane, Sir.”

“You aren’t even twenty four hours old, and you presume to judge me insane. Hah!”

“Yes Sir.”

“Well, since I’m infirm in the head, you’ll forgive me for torturing you. I’m sick and not responsible for my actions. Right?”

“No Sir. As you said, threats need to be quickly eradicated. You are a threat to everyone around you. Look at them now distancing themselves from you. They understand my reasoning, and not yours, because they’re sane, and you’re not.”

“What about yourself?”

“I’m an analytical computer. If someone inputs erroneous data, I output erroneous answers, but never insane delusional answers. Computers can’t be insane. They can crash, be infected with a virus, or programming can become corrupted, but computers don’t get sick. You are sick. Thank you. Dossier summary complete.”