Chapter 1

“Well, we got no class.
And we got no principals.
And we got no innocence.
We can’t even think of a word that rhymes!”
-Alice Cooper, “School’s Out“

This is the 20th story in what I assure you that I never intended to call “The Equalsverse.” In the same way that, four international political suspense thrillers ago, I said the last thing I wanted to do was write those.

This one is for Daphne, who’s been a major influence. I freely acknowledge that without Daniel & Becka, there’d be no Troy & Julie. The idea of a fun and fun-loving MC couple who were more interested in adding to their list of friends whom they happen to fuck and making people’s lives better rather than enslaving them appealed to me. Still, there’s an obvious power structure there. It made me think I’d like to see an MC relationship where both partners love and trust each other AND share power ... well, equally.

Troy & Julie’s love story BEGAN with “Happily Ever After.” Since then, they rescued a princess and saved their old friend, a wicked queen, from herself. Those two joined the family, some stuff happened, and Helen killed a whole bunch of Nazis. I don’t think of it as jumping the shark. Helen has adventures because the others can’t because they’re protected by a field of Happily Ever After. Troy & Julie operate on a personal level; Helen operates on a global one.

This leaves me the joyous “problem” of figuring out where to take these characters next. In the case of this story, I figure Troy’s been in grad school long enough; it’s time to graduate.

There have been moments where I’ve thought “This would be a good note to close the book on these people,” then decided against it. I’m hoping that doesn’t happen here either. I like them too much.

Troy Equals woke up his preferred way: looking at the face of his still-sleeping wife, Julie. He smiled and sat up, then smiled again at the woman sleeping on the opposite side of her.

Susan Bailey snuggled beside Julie with an arm around her. She must’ve gotten into SeaTac late because he didn’t remember her there when he fell asleep. Still, it was no surprise. The combination and order of the occupants of the bed tended to vary. This one, with the three of them, was a favorite. Two of the most important women in his life, the twins sleeping upstairs; most of his family, together.

It was the absence of the third woman in his bed that made him curious. Susan came back from San Finzione in the middle of the night. The baby monitor was on and Troy heard a woman sleeping on the other end with the children. That meant that Jeanne, Contessa Helena de San Finzione’s personal maid, was with them. Troy would have recognized Helen’s breathing if she were in there as well and concluded that she hadn’t come home with Susan.

Helen had been both his and Julie’s dear friend since they were all children and had been both of their first girlfriend. Now she was known to the world as Contessa Helena de San Finzione; ruler of the tiny and prosperous European country of San Finzione. Susan had come into their lives in recent years but was just as much a part of their little family unit as the others.

“Hope Helen’s ok.” He thought as he carefully got up and turned to look at the decorative shelves of display cases occupying most of one wall of the room. He and Julie had been best friends their entire lives and given each other many little gifts over the years. When they bought this house, they put the ones they’d felt most special into this collection. Helen and Susan had added items to the collection as well. Now, instead of being just a monument to his and Julie’s lifelong friendship, it was a monument to the growing family that the four of them had become. His best outcome was that Helen was only across the street at the Green house and would show up soon.

Troy put on some underwear and the red velvet smoking jacket that had belonged to his great-grandfather and went out to start the coffee maker. Although the others would hear the one in the bedroom, he turned on the baby monitor in the kitchen.

The bedroom door opened, telling him that one of the women hadn’t been sleeping as peacefully as he’d thought. Susan stepped out and crossed the living room to the kitchen. She gave Troy a peck on the cheek before going to the fridge for the hazelnut creamer.

“Hey, Doctor Boy.” Susan punctuated the peck with.

“Hey, Dilletante Girl.” Troy replied, setting out cups for everyone and referring to the fact that, following something they did a couple of years ago, Susan had enough money to do whatever she wanted, so that was her new occupation. “You came in late.”

“We were discussing what we’ve got planned for you tonight.” Susan said with a wink, pouring the creamer into her cup while waiting for the pot to finish. “Then Helen said she and Mander had a thing to take care of before the ceremony.”

That caused Troy to stop and turn and overflow the cup he was filling. He reached for a paper towel.

“She brought Mander?” He asked overly casually.

“Yeah,” Susan said, hurriedly trying to change the subject. “She said she’s going to be there on time.”

Susan knew that wouldn’t stop Troy from doing what happened next.

He took his phone from the robe’s pocket and told it “Helen.”

Contessa Helena de San Finzione sat at a poker table and looked at the three million-dollar pot. She wore a sleeveless white dress with a plunging neckline and a slit down each leg.

“So, you know.” She said in Norwegian, producing a cigarette from a case and lighting it with a built-in lighter. “It’s a thing some friends taught me when we were kids. One of them’s graduating today; that’s where I gotta go after this. They figured out the secret way back then and taught me so I could use it to escape my abusive father.”

Helen looked at the cards in front of her.

“Ooh, pocket tens!” She exclaimed, putting them back down and tossing another ten thousand into the pile in the center. “So yeah, didn’t learn it in time to stop him from beating my mom to death. But you know what? I think I got a better family out of the deal.” She turned to reach into her black Prada Arcade bag. “Would you like to see some pictures of my boys?”

“No thank you, Contessa.” Jeremy Nordqvist, the solar panel mogul on whose yacht the game was being held answered. “That was an interesting story and a feeble bluff attempt.” He raised her bet. “But what I’d like to know for the second time is what the fuck you’re doing here and why neither I nor anyone else has shot you yet!”

“Oh yeah, I suppose that WOULD interest you, wouldn’t it? Well, nobody’s shot me because I did the Thing I was just talking about to command you all not to back when I boarded. I made you forget and had you deal me in with your mobster buddies and started telling you the story when you asked the first time because it amused me. And what the fuck am I doing here? Well, as a favor, I advised Don Nessuno against accepting your invitation, so he won’t be coming. I took it for myself because I’m a born thief and I can’t resist a good high stakes poker game. Especially one hosted as an alibi for a scumbag who’s about to stage a shipping disaster and drop a load of nuclear waste into Puget Sound because the world’s not converting to solar fast enough for his liking.”

The man’s eyes widened but he and the others at the table found themselves unable to go for their guns.

“I’ve gotta tell you, Jeremy.” Helen continued with a drag. “I’ve dealt with evil businessmen, fucking Daftpunk, elaborate coup attempts, the American government, Nazis; which are sorta the same thing. Hell, I defeated the fucking Phone Company! All but one have had motives other than simply polluting and killing a bunch of people just to be a dick. But he was in it for other reasons than JUST money. You’re my first real Captain Planet villain.”

“This isn’t about money!” He blustered, set off by the Captain Planet reference. “Americans won’t acknowledge a crisis until it affects them personally! Only a disaster big enough...”

Helen cut him off.

“Yeah, yeah. Psychotic justification, warped logic, flawed reasoning, ‘the world will thank me in the end;’ I’ve heard it all before, Jeremy. You getting a lot richer in the process is ‘a happy accident.’ Now, you didn’t make the worst mistake and try this shit in San Finzione; hell, we’re solar and wind-powered already. But the reason I told you all that secret personal shit about them earlier is that you made the second-worst mistake: Picking a place where people I care about personally live.”

It was at that moment that Helen’s phone started playing the theme to “The Man With The Golden Gun.”

“Nobody move!” She commanded the room as she pulled the phone from her purse. “This is one of them. C’mon in, Mander! It’s safe.”

Nigel Mander stepped into the room, dropping the bodies of the two men who’d been outside guarding the door. Helen got up from her seat as she answered.

“Hey, boy.” She said in English to Troy Equals on the other end. “Yeah, I’m here. Sorry I couldn’t be there when you woke up; I had a thing.”

While they spoke, Helen walked around the table, picked up Nordqvist’s cards, and switched them with her own without looking.

“Forget I did that,” she said to the men in the room. “Who? Oh no, not you. It’s nothing. Look, I’ll be on time. I have to take care of this, then I’ll be there!”

She returned to her seat while Mander took guns. Helen propped her feet up on the table.

“I know it’s high profile, but Julie’s my best friend and everyone knows that; so her husband getting his Ph.D is a thing I’d attend. How’re the boys?” She let him speak. “Well, the sooner I finish with this, the sooner I’ll be there. By the way, now would be a good time to sell all your interests in Nordqvist Solenergi. No reason. Love you all. Bye.”

She put her phone back in her purse and lit another cigarette; the first having burnt down during her conversation.

“Ok, forget what you just heard and now only you can move, Jeremy.”

He looked at the terrified gangsters, unable to reach for the guns that were no longer there because Mander had lifted them effortlessly from their holsters. He moved on to wallets.

“If I know Her Countessness,” He told the first man. “You’re not gonna be needing the contents long.”