Chapter 1

“Alright, you wanted to sit down and talk, Jill. We’re sitting. We’re talking. With no lawyers around, either. I hope that this doesn’t put me off my appetite, because it’s a shame to waste great falafel and tahini sauce,” I told my estranged wife, Jill, as she sat with me in my favorite Greek and Middle Eastern cafe.

“Look ... Jack. I blew it. Okay? I blew it. I kicked you out of your own house. You were right. That was wrong, even illegal, since your name is on the deed. You want to press charges? Go ahead. I’ll do my jail time. I deserve it. But wouldn’t you rather enjoy my body instead of letting some bull dyke cellmate do it? I know that I’d rather eat food like this than jail food,” Jill blushed just a bit, pushing her dirty blonde hair away from her face.

“I’m not sure that I trust you, plus having broken free of monogamy, I’m in no rush to return to it. You didn’t hold up your end of the deal, anyway. If I was faithful, you agreed to deny me nothing. Your words, not mine. In any case, someone who shoves a Smith and Wesson .357 magnum revolver into my face and demands that I leave my own damn home or else get shot makes it very hard to trust said person again or feel safe around her. Pardon me if I don’t rush back into your not-so-loving arms,” I sneered as I drank plenty of excellent Greek coffee.

“No one is owed sex, you know,” Jill rather halfheartedly called upon a strawman argument.

“I never said that anyone is. Even so, you made me a promise that you didn’t keep, in exchange for my fidelity, which I upheld, I should add, even when you broke your word. After all, I didn’t owe you celibacy, either. If no one is owed sex, and you’re right about that, no one is owed someone else’s self-denial and frustration.

“You were in breach of contract even before you kicked me out. That alone absolved me of any obligation to be faithful to you, not to mention any wedding vows, since you definitely didn’t keep the ‘‘til death do you part’ part, did you? So, again, why should I trust you enough to even date you again? I never liked dating in the first place. It’s paying a total stranger to lie to your face. That’s what politicians are for, am I right?” I snorted now.

“True, but I’m not a stranger. I’m your wife. Look, I know that you banged that cute Russian bitch and I totally get why. If you wanted to flaunt your freedom, congratulations, you did it in spades! Nadia, was that her name? You kicked her to the curb pretty fast, though. Not sure why.

“In any case, Jack, I swear to you that my lying days are over. No more lies. No more of those gunpoint evictions, either. I know that I kicked you out, but you’re the one that filed for divorce, I might point out,” Jill added quickly.

“After you forced me, illegally, to leave my own home at gunpoint, yes, I filed for divorce. I damn near sought a restraining order against you, and I still might. I’m still at a loss as to your purpose for asking me to meet you today,” I cornered Jill now.

“Look ... I was a rotten wife. I am one ... have been, whatever. I get it. I don’t know what, if anything, you’re doing for sex, but I kinda hoped that, for auld lang syne, if you will ... you’d be open to some ex sex. Strictly speaking, it’s not even that. It’s just married sex, a man and his wife getting it on, as millions of people do daily worldwide. It’s the most normal thing in the world,” Jill really threw me off with that comment.

“You ... called me here ... as a booty call? Your own husband, who you are divorcing, who you kicked out of his own home, that’s your choice for a booty call? This is really just about knocking boots, you and me? Wow! Just fucking wow!” I shook my head in utter astonishment now.

“Shocking, I know. Look, just give it some thought, okay? How about if I sweeten the pot?” Jill pushed the envelope a little bit, much to my further surprise.

“Well, I would like my shotgun back, among a few other things,” I surprised myself by speaking as if in negotiations with my separated wife, “how do I know that this isn’t a ploy to reconcile?”

“It’s not ... I swear. I swear to God. I just ... I have needs. You have needs. And I feel that I really wasn’t Wife of the Year, was I? I’m climbing the fucking walls, babe. Karen just ... doesn’t have all of the equipment that I need, you see. She’s gay and came out rather late in life, with every bit of the baggage of heterosexual monogamy in terms of understanding relationships.

“That, regrettably, includes a lot of romantic and sexual jealousy. So I’ve been faithful to her. I really have. I’ve tried to be since I kicked you out and moved her in with me. Her motive there was to show you the door and get you entirely out of my life, you know. Pure jealous rage happened every time she even thought of me with you together, even for normal, vanilla married sex.