I like to imagine different professions and how they might add to or detract from a conversation. I got this idea in my head and couldn’t shake it, despite the feeling that it wasn’t the best. So in the end, it’s a bit of fluff, but mine own.

The game’s afoot! Enjoy.

Clarissa opened her eyes, yawned and found she couldn’t close her mouth.

“Whaaffittt!” she said, erudite as always.

“Welcome back, honey,” I said. “You must have been really tired to sleep through all that.”

“Whuuffn?”

“That little session we had where you wanted us to try being tied up and ball-gagged? Remember? By the end of it you’d had so many orgasms, I’m not surprised you went straight to sleep – just fell over right on top of me. I couldn’t tie you up straight away because, well ... I wasn’t in a position to. But I eventually managed to sort that out and I’ve just finished getting you nicely tied up and getting that ball gag in so that we can continue in a while.”

“Nerrffft!”

“No not yet, honey, you sexy little slut. While you were sleeping, I thought up another game that we could play. It’s a good one. My very own Great Game. I’ve turned it into a board game and hopefully make a mint out of selling or licensing it. Who says dentists can’t be fun?”

“Yannggg!”

“Oh come on Clarissa, we played your game. I was a bit tired, but you persuaded me that it would be fun. You could tie me up and we could have wild monkey sex, and then I could tie you up and we could have wild monkey sex. And then you somehow fell asleep on me halfway through the game for some reason, and left me hanging, so to speak. All tied up.”

“Snooggrrmb”

“Oh, don’t apologise. I’m sure you were tired out after a long day at work, pressing a button every now and then while you filed your nails.”

“Tghrruff”

“Okay, I do apologise for that. I know you’re doing a vital job and that data and communication is the currency of the future. It just doesn’t seem quite as hard as trying to avoid being bitten while at the same trying not to gag at the smell from a rotting mouth that could stop a bear in its tracks at fifty feet. But I am sorry, I wasn’t really denigrating your career as office management assistant trainee, it just sounded that way. I’ll be more careful in the future. I wouldn’t want to upset my future wife, just a week before the wedding.”

“Fffrakkn!”

“Well I’m glad you forgive me and you don’t mind if we play my game for a while before we move onto the second half of yours. I’ll just turn your chair around like that so you can get in nice and close to the action.

“Hllluff?”

“Them? C’mon Honey, you know our friends! I mean, we’ve had so many barbeques together it’s like we’re family. Hey Larry, say hello to Clarissa.

“Mmmf.”

“Shnnnkkl?”

“Yeah, well just between you and me, you know how loud Larry can be - especially at parties. I mean you used to think he was completely boorish the way he would dominate conversations, paw at any woman within reach and tell filthy jokes at the top of his voice. Eventually you came around and warmed up to him a little, and then warmed up to him a lot; enough that we became friends with him and Judy. But today he was being a bit too loud and I didn’t want him to wake the children, so I asked him if he minded if I put an oral clamp on him. He didn’t and here we are, ready to play.

“Chrrrssbbl”

“Oh yeah, I guess I forgot that I took the children over to my mum for the evening. Well, what’s done is done.”

“Mmmf”

“No Larry, you can keep it. I have another one. Although I did lend that one to Mo here.”

“Snnm?”

“Mo, c’mon buddy. That rope’s not too tight. Hell, Clarissa tied me up a lot tighter than that for our little session this evening. Oops, too much information, I know. Not something I should be sharing even with close friends.”

“Snnm!”

“Well stop twisting your wrists like then! Shit, no wonder it hurts if you keep doing that. Clarissa always thought you were a bit of a mummy’s boy, but I never believed that. I’m pretty sure you’re quite a tough guy under all those layers of padding. Hey buddy? Tough guy!”

“Snnm?”

“C’mon Mo, that was just a tap between friends, like the way tough guys bond with each other. You don’t hear Schwarzenegger or Stallone crying when they play punch each other on the shoulder.”

“Bounnsff!”

“Really? Wow. I didn’t know they were both old and retired. I really haven’t had the chance to sit and watch a movie in the last two years, not since we met actually. I sat and watched you at a lot of parties, or at your company dinners, or attended to patients after hours so we could save up for this house. But watch movies? Not a chance.”

“Mmmf”

“Hang on, Larry. Wait till I finish talking and then you can have a go. That’s how conversation works. I talk, then you talk, then somebody else talks. It isn’t you talk, you talk, you hit on someone’s date, and then you talk some more. Get over yourself. I’m beginning to think Clarissa was right about you.”

“Snnm!”

“We’ll start the game in a minute, Mo. Just let me finish setting the scene. Don’t worry, you’ll like this one. Okay, sorry about that Carl, I’m not fobbing you off. You’re a good friend and have stuck with us through thick and thicker.”

“Ahhkk!”

“You sure? Okay, through thick and thin. I thought it was like dumb and dumber. Is that rubber mouthpiece okay? Comfortable?”

“Ahhkk!”

“Oh good, I was a bit worried when I didn’t have another oral clamp. But if you’re fine with it, then I’m happy. It’s so good to have all you guys here and happy to test this game out with me. I’m a bit nervous as it’s the first time I’ve played it through.”

“Ahhhnnnnng Eeh!”

“Wait, stop! Don’t move away, Errol. Sit back down again. I told you not to stand up. If any of you stands up you become earthed and get a tickle of electricity from the little thing on your ankle. You all have them. It’s all part of the game. So please, don’t stand up until the game is over. All right?”

“Nnng!”

“I know, pretty shocking, huh? Did you see what I did there Errol? Didja geddit? Didja? Hahaha. I’m telling you, this game is going to be a best seller. I’ll give you credit as Beta Testers though. I wouldn’t forget my buddies. I’m not like that.”

“Nnng.”

“Ahhkk.”

“Yes, the non-stop drooling down onto your chest is pretty disgusting, Mo - I know. But it’s just between friends, and I couldn’t see anyone here disrespecting a friend. Not by mentioning you are drooling like a rabid Saint Bernard after a long walk.”

“Fuuffckssss!”

“Clarissa! I know you’re probably impatient to get on with the game, but a little control, please. What will our friends think?”

“Fuuffckssss!”

“All right! You know, a little self-discipline wouldn’t be a bad thing. All right. All right! The game. Now, underneath this cloth, which I will now remove, is the coffee table and ... tada! A board, a dice and an electronic device. You’re sure you’re all ready?”

“Nnng!”

“Ahhkk!”

“Mmmf.”

“Snnm.”

“Clarissa? Ready?”

“Sllccht!”

“Well that’s a little hostile and uncalled for, Clarissa. Never mind! Forget it! No, don’t try to apologise by twisting around like that, you’ll throw yourself on the floor and receive a shock. Let’s just carry on with the game.

“So, it works like this. I throw a dice and move the counter around the board, and if it lands on a coloured square then I get a type of clue, depending on the colour of the square. You four are the suspects, and you Clarissa, you’re the victim. I’m the detective and it’s my job to put all the clues together and solve the mystery. Yep, this is going to sell by the truckload, I reckon.

“Let’s give it a go, so I roll the dice and get ... a six! Good start! So I move the counter to the green square, and get ... what type of clue? To find out, I press this button.”

A man’s voice, rich and fruity, suddenly boomed out of the speakers, making everyone jump. Carl squeaked as his arse left the chair for a moment as he jerked, and received a shock for it. I sniggered and then felt bad for my poor friend. Here he was, helping me put the game together and I was laughing at his misfortune.

I sniggered again.

Then I listened carefully to the voice.

“ ... course I would! Who wouldn’t want to climb that sweet little peach tree. My honey would cut my nuts off if she found out though. Then again, maybe there’s a way where she wouldn’t find out. Let’s think about it and come up with a way for us all to have a...”

The voice faded away and general background noises took centre stage then went silent.

“An audio clue. Okay, here we go. Let’s get the Sherlock Holmes hat on and analyse what we heard. What can we deduce?

“Well, I heard the hum of voices in the background and the chink of glasses. Towards the end there was a sort of sizzling sound and a splash. Put those together and I think I’d have to go with a barbeque ... a barbeque somewhere with a pool. Probably in someone’s garden. Not many public pools allow barbeques close to the water; there weren’t enough voices in the background for it to be in a park on a day fine enough to have a barbeque; and there was no sound of waves or gulls, so not the beach. I have a pool as you know, and a barbeque pit, so I think of myself as something of an expert on what it sounds like.

“Now, the voice. I have the feeling I’ve heard that voice before, and I feel that it might be yours Mo. You’re shaking your head, so not you? Damn, I thought I had you for a moment there buddy.

“Right, what was said? A peach tree – well those things have no chance of growing here in this climate, so either this was recorded a long way away, or the peach tree is a metaphor ... probably for a woman. As a metaphor it sounds very southern, and I’m not sure many northerners would use that in common parlance. Aren’t you from Mobile, Mo? Tell me, do men refer to women as peach trees or perhaps peaches where you come from. No? Shaking your head again. You seem very vociferous about that Mo, even in your silence.

“So, climbing the peach tree is probably about sex, and this man, this stranger-and-not-Mo person, is talking about having sex with a woman who is obviously not his wife or girlfriend as he refers to a woman exacting retribution from him if she ever discovered he had cheated on her.”

I rolled the dice again, and then paused. “I haven’t actually told you the name of the game yet, have I? How stupid of me. Forgive me. I’m going to call the game Consequences! Catchy name, huh? I can see it on the shelves in the toy shops, or maybe even the big chains, in a nice, brightly-coloured box with the name arcing across it. Consequences, Consequences, Consequences ... all the way down the aisle.”

I moved my counter, and then shook my head. “I haven’t told you the object of the game either. It changes every time. That’s the beauty of it. Shit, I’d better get my head out of my ass before taking it to the retailers. Some salesman I am. What am I like?”

I flipped a card from a small pile in the centre of the board and read it.

“Aha, this time the object of the game is to “Determine who is fucking your significant other!”

Clarissa went quite still, and my four friends looked at each other in turn, wide-eyed.

“That’s actually quite humorous, although a little pointless. I mean, I know exactly who is fucking my sweetheart – it’s me, right?”

Clarissa, nodded emphatically.

“You know what? I am such a lucky stiff. I have a beautiful girlfriend who is happy to play those little games that keep a relationship hot and sticky. Today she actually tied me up and then screwed me, rode me cowboy style like tomorrow they were going to put a tax on fucking. I was a little put out when she simply rolled away afterwards and went to sleep. Leaving me tied up after she came. But, it was still great sex, even though I hadn’t quite managed to finish. Luckily I’d put a little knife under my pillow – can’t even remember why I did that. Oh yeah – a weird suspicion that came from who knows where. Very strange that I would act on that, but there you go. I managed to cut my arms and legs free and tie her up instead and here we are – playing the game and happy as Larry. Smile Larry, you need to be happy, so we can all be as happy as you.”

“Mmmf.”

“Well, you don’t sound happy. Put a smile on it. That’s better. No wait – better not smile ... the drool is actually hanging all the way from your mouth to your crotch. Erk.

“So, I landed on a green square, and what’s this clue? Oh, look on the television, it says ‘object 1’. That means I have to open a box, this box. Now let’s see, I’ll just cut the seal and there...

“Oh wow! I was not expecting that. Are those panties? Yes, they are. Pretty pink ones with lace around the waistband. They look a bit like yours honey, I’m sure I’ve seen you in something like these at some stage, although ... Eeeuw, yuck. These stink! Ugh, that’s pretty rank.

“Oh my god, look at the crotch of these things, all stained up like that. No! These have got actual real-life cum in them. Masses and masses and even more masses of it! How... ?”

“Ahhkk!”

“I know, you’re right. It seems a bit ripe for a family game, I might have to adjust the levels of authenticity of the clues.

“Ahhkk?”

“How would I know? I’m not going to taste them, and what would that prove anyway? It’s not like I know what cum tastes like – okay, I do know what mine tastes like. Between us, Clarissa would always kiss me after giving me a blow job, but that hasn’t happened in years. The smell is a little familiar though, which is just weird. I know it’s not mine and yet I’ve smelt it before somewhere ... Somewhere recently.”

“Snnm!”

“Haha, very funny Mo, you think I dream about smelling cum? I’d have to have a brain tumour to be doing that. But I have smelt it somewhere. Here Mo, you have a sniff and tell me what you think.”

“Snnm. Snnnmmm!”

“Haha. Sorry, I shouldn’t have laughed, but when you pulled away so hard and lifted off the seat by accident, and earthed yourself ... Yes, well, it was funny, okay? But I’m sorry I laughed.”

“Snnm.”

“You sound so sad, Mo. And if you were right about it smelling like Larry’s cum, I’d have to ask how you know that, and I’m not sure I even want to go there. Besides that much cum means its probably more than one man – two, three, maybe even four guys.”

“Nnng.”

“You think it’s Larry’s as well, Errol? What are you guys getting up to in the gym changing rooms these days, that you would even know that? I know you four are as thick as thieves – thicker than thieves even – when you get together there, to the point where it feels like you’re freezing me out of the group. You know – when you all stop talking when I join you, and then seem to change the subject. Always made me kinda feel like the odd man out. But that’s probably just me.

“So it’s real nice to have us all here together for a game, instead of standing around in the gym locker room, or standing around in the bar, or standing around by a car, or standing around next to my barbecue. I don’t really enjoy standing around, which is why I go on those long runs. So I haven’t had the chance to get together with you guys for a while, but here we are. Isn’t this great?”