Chapter 20: Teenage Wasteland

Sunday March 19
I’d just gotten back from church when I received a call from Chubby Feldman, the director of my upcoming James Bond movie.

“This is David.”

“I need a favor.”

“What can I do for you?” I answered.

“I met with Rita James yesterday to coordinate some movie-related stuff, and she mentioned that you were going on a trip overseas for spring break. Is it true that you’ll be in Monte Carlo this Friday?” Chubby asked.

“In fact, I’ll be flying there Friday night, arriving Saturday morning. Why? Did you plan to be there then?” I asked.

I hoped he was planning to film our movie there. The French Riviera was reported to be gorgeous during the summer. Plus, it would give me an excuse to use the condo that I’d received as part of the settlement for the attack on me by Halle’s costar, Zander Lewis.

“I’ve been going to a fundraiser for the Red Cross there for many years. They throw a huge gala during the summer. The first one I attended was hosted by none other than Grace Kelly, who was married to Prince Rainier III. Unfortunately, she was killed in a tragic accident before she could host it the following year.

“This Friday night, the royal family is having a more intimate event geared towards fun. It’s not the typical four-course meal and sophistication that is normally put on by royalty. They’re throwing a masquerade ball as a sort of kickoff for their fundraising this year. I was planning to go, but I’ve run into a conflict. There’s a meeting concerning our movie, and I’ll have to be in LA on Friday. I was hoping you might go in my stead. The only catch is it’s Friday night,” Chubby explained.

“That’s a real stumbling block because I have a group of people going with me, and our travel is all booked for Friday after I get out of school. Otherwise, I would be more than happy to help,” I said.

Honestly, a fundraiser masquerade ball with a bunch of old people didn’t even make it to the bottom of the to-do list for my vacation.

“How many are going with you?”

“Seven, if you count me,” I answered.

“Perfect. I’ll send you my jet, and you can leave Thursday night. Do you have a tux?”

Well, shit.

“Yes, I do.”

“Good. I already bought a mask. I’ll overnight it along with my ticket to get in, along with a check for the charity,” Chubby pressed.

I wanted to turn him down, but the idea of flying on a private jet instead of commercial was just too enticing. Plus, it would give me an extra day to explore Monte Carlo. I was sure everyone would be okay with leaving early once I explained the mode of transportation. The only fly in the ointment might be Cindy and her boyfriend. They would have to drive from Ohio State instead of flying to New York, where we planned to all meet up. Worst-case scenario was that they would still fly in as planned and meet us on Saturday.

Another consideration was that I owed Chubby. I could suffer through mixing with a bunch of rich old people for one night.

“That sounds like it’ll work,” I said, sounding happier than I felt.

“Have your people contact mine to work out the details,” Chubby said and hung up.

I called Lexi.

“Hey, I need you to call Chubby Feldman’s people,” I said and then paused. “Wait ... I think that’s what Scarlet’s supposed to do for me. I sometimes forget that she’s the new you for here at home.”

She chuckled.

“Scarlet would call me anyway because it has something to do with Hollywood. Why don’t you just tell me what you need and I’ll make sure she’s in the loop?” Lexi asked, letting me off the hook.

“My plans have changed for my spring break trip. Chubby needs me to fly in a day early to attend some fundraiser for him.”

“The masquerade ball for the Red Cross,” Lexi said, surprising me.

“How did you know about that?” I asked.

“My parents were talking about going. A lot of Hollywood goes to their main fundraiser in the summer. I even got to go once when I was like twelve. They did have a great band, and the fireworks were short but spectacular.

“Dad was saying this one was different, though. It’s supposed to be geared towards attracting a younger crowd. They’ve discovered that many of their donors are getting up there in age. This is supposed to rope in the next generation,” Lexi shared.

“Hence, people like your parents and Chubby getting tickets,” I said doubtfully.

That made her laugh.

“My parents would probably object, but I see your point. So, what was it you needed me to do?” Lexi asked to get us back on track.

“Coordinate the change of plans,” I said and then gave her the details. “Chubby has offered his jet, and he wants someone to talk to his people to let them know where and when to pick us up. Also, we need to arrange for everyone to either leave early or stick to the original plans. If we’re lucky, we might be able to cancel our tickets without too much hassle.”

I gave her the contact information for Chubby’s ‘people.’

“Hey,” I said before I hung up, “how’s my stalker doing?”

Lexi groaned.

“I think Kent hates me,” she said, making me laugh.

Kent ran what had been my management company. Actually, I was now part-owner, so it might still be mine, in a way.

“Gwen has become a full-time job,” Lexi ranted. “They finally let her out of the loony bin after she showed up at my condo. Somehow, she avoided being charged for tasing those cops. Gwen’s back on set, and I have to watch her almost 24/7. Then her mom showed up, and she’s worse than Gwen is. The woman is a world-class ... well, you know.”

I could guess.

“So, you’re learning a lot with your first management client,” I teased.

“If Kent hadn’t given me a big raise, I would’ve walked by now. Being your PA is way less stressful.”

“You still plan to continue helping me? Or do I need to find someone else for this summer and fall?” I asked, concerned. I suddenly realized that Lexi might have moved up enough not to be my helper anymore.

Both Kendal and Caryn had gotten better jobs after starting as my PA. I wouldn’t blame Lexi if she wanted to do the same. I would just have to break in someone new.

“No. I made it clear to Kent that I want to go with you to shoot your movies. He promised to let someone else babysit Gwen when I’m working for you. I hope when I come back that I don’t get her back,” Lexi confided.

“Okay, I’ll see you when I come to LA for the MTV event.”

“Speaking of which, do you know a Jeremy Pike?”

“Yeah. He’s that psychic on TV. I met him when I was promoting Star Academy in New York last year,” I remembered.

“He wants you to meet with him when you come back to LA. Should I set it up?”

“Why not? He seemed like a nice guy, and I had fun when he did a reading for me. He told me that I had four kids and would shortly have five. Kind of freaked me out when all I knew about was Little David and Coby on the way. I still can’t figure out how he knew I had Carol, Dawson, and Allen.”

“Maybe he really is psychic,” Lexi said.

I chuckled.

“Maybe.”

We said our goodbyes. I was relieved that Lexi would be with me this summer and fall. She was someone I could count on; then there was the whole hooking-up benefit. I was sure she would keep me out of trouble.

My grandmother roped us into helping with another homeowner who’d fallen afoul of the city regarding keeping up their yard. This time, I made sure she had done a little investigating to determine whether they really wanted our help. The first guy had been a piece of work.

She met us at the home. I helped Tim and Wolf unload the city truck they’d picked up. This time, Cassidy wasn’t grumpy, so she joined us.

The person we were helping was a little old lady who had to be pushing ninety. I felt better when she gave us a friendly smile and waved. I was elected to use the heavy-duty brush cutter to knock down the worst of the yard. Wolf had chosen to grab one of the county’s mowers so he wouldn’t damage his. He followed me to chop up the worst of it after I knocked it down. He also did the more manageable sections while I slogged through the mini-forest she had growing in her yard. Tim and Cassidy walked the yard first to pick up any garbage or anything that would damage the mowers. Then they took care of the trimming and edging duties.

We spent nearly three hours, but once we were done, we’d made a huge difference. It felt good to be doing something that would benefit someone who couldn’t do it themselves.

My Grandma Dawson didn’t miss a trick. She’d called the paper again, and they sent someone out to take after pictures. They’d already had a before shot of how overgrown it had been. They got one with Mayor Duke and his work crew. Grandma Dawson had made me text her when we were getting close to finishing. That way, she could call the paper and pick up my hound so that the good people of our community would see what an excellent mayor he was. It cracked me up that what had started as a way to stick it to Thomas Fox had morphed into my grandmother acting like my dog was really our mayor. To be honest, the public loved him.

We’d just gotten the picture taken when Duke perked up. My first thought was that his squirrel radar had gone off, so I reached for his collar, but he bolted for the garage. I was irritated when my hound pushed the side door open, and I heard barking. I just prayed that he hadn’t cornered a skunk.

Everyone, including the newspaper photographer, followed me to see what all the excitement was. We found Duke dancing around as he looked back at me like he did when his tennis ball got stuck under some piece of furniture.

“What did you find?” I asked.

Then I heard the mews of kittens.

“Leave them alone,” I told my hound.

“I’ll call animal control, and they’ll come to get them,” Grandma Dawson said.

I glanced over at the reporter, and my grandmother caught my expression. Calling animal control to possibly off a litter of kittens wasn’t how I would play this, even if they were feral cats. Getting them spayed and neutered was the very least we should do because letting six more cats into the wild was probably a bad idea.

“I could just put them in a gunny sack, and head to the river,” I teased to make my point.

“David!” Cassidy complained. “I’ll take them and find them homes.”

That was even a worse idea than calling animal control. First, her dad would kill both of us, and second, whenever Cassidy said she would do something, somehow, I ended up helping. I’d already helped raise one litter of kittens for Precious. There was no way I wanted to do it a second time.

“Or you could just leave them alone. I’m sure their mother will come back,” Tim suggested.

I sighed. That would be the easy answer.

“The problem is, they grow into cats that have more kittens. We already have too many feral cats running around,” Grandma Dawson said, saving me from having to explain.

“Can I get a picture with Mayor Duke and the kittens?” the photographer asked.

Evidently, my hound had been paying attention. He looked right into the camera for the guy. I guess being a Dawson meant he had the potential to be a model.

Cassidy found a box, and we helped her catch her new charges. They were pretty quick when they figured out we were going to try to put them in the box. By the time we’d gotten to Cassidy’s house, they’d all bailed out of the box and were running around in the backseat of my Demon.

“Go talk to my dad and then come help me,” Cassidy ordered.

I rang their doorbell, and Coach Hope answered.

“Cassidy sent me to talk to you,” I said.

“About?”

“She found a litter of kittens and wants to keep them.”

“No.”

“I’m with you on that one. She also wants me to ask if she and I can date,” I said.

“No,” he said without hesitation. “Is there anything else?”

“Yeah, you get to tell her.”

“About which one?” Coach asked.

“Both.”

He didn’t seem happy, but I figured better him than me. I decided to go ahead and walk home. I didn’t need to see my coach in tears when his daughter took him down.

After I took my shower, I came down to the house to see if there was anything good to snack on before dinner.

“Greg said that David would pay for me to get an apartment of my own,” Angie whined.

“Greg is high on crack if he thinks his brother is going to finance you more than he already has,” Mom shot back.

“I don’t have enough money for anything decent. There’s a unit in the same building that Pam, Scarlet, and Ashley live in that would be perfect. I just need him to write a check for first, last, and the security deposit.”

I was of two minds. On the one hand, I’d started to really dislike my sister-in-law and wasn’t sure if I would even pee on her if she were on fire. Then again, if it would get her out of our house...

“That’s it! Pack your shit and get out!” Mom said, reaching her boiling point.

Even Angie could see she’d made a mistake. I guess she would have to go home to her own parents’ house.

“But...”

“I don’t care if you sleep on the street tonight. All I know is that you’re out of here,” Mom said.

I wanted to cheer when Angie slunk off to go pack. When my mom saw me, she gave me a sheepish grin.

“Do you think I was too rough on her?” she asked.

“Nope. It surprised me that you hadn’t evicted her before now. I mean, she seriously thought that we would support her after she cheated on Greg and left him to raise their kids? I never understood why you allowed her to move in in the first place.”

“Because I thought there might be a chance for them to reconcile,” Mom explained.

“But after the STI...”

She nodded.

To think, I used to be jealous of my brother. Now, I was glad it wasn’t me.

Speaking of my brother, I drove to his house after dinner. I figured I could be a good uncle and watch his kids so he could have some alone time. He needed to study for an upcoming test, so he all but kissed me when I showed up.

We had a dance party, which got their minds off their mom not being home, and wore them out, so they crashed. The older two were building up their stamina. I had a glimpse of what my life was going to be like in a few years. I was still a teenager, and I was tired after playing with my niece and nephews all evening.

Finally, I got them their baths and to bed with a story about a pony. It had been Mac’s turn to pick. After I was done, I found my brother in the spare bedroom that they’d turned into an office.

“They finally asleep?”

“Getting there if they aren’t already,” I said and then smiled. “You missed Mom going off on Angie. She kicked her out today.”

“Tell me you have video,” Greg begged.

“Sorry. I was trying not to make any noise that might interrupt the show. Angie thought I should pay for her to rent a deluxe apartment. All she needed was first, last, and a security deposit.”

“Then next month it would have been rent, utilities, and food. I was put in charge of our money after we came up short the first few months we were married. Angie doesn’t think long term,” Greg shared.

I could see it being tough for her when she first was on her own because she’d never had to budget before. But now? She had three little ones, and it wasn’t just about her anymore.

“I didn’t come here to bash Angie. Is there anything you need?” I asked.

“I could actually use some money. Angie cleared out our bank account,” Greg admitted.

I pulled out my money clip and handed him cash.

“Go see Scarlet and have her get you a debit card. I want you to use it if you need to.”

My brother looked a little defeated.

“I feel like such a failure having to ask my little brother for money,” he admitted.

“I’m glad you felt like you could ask. Let me know if you need anything else, and don’t beat yourself up over this. We’re family, and I know that you would come to my aid if I were in a spot. I’m more than happy to help,” I said sincerely.

He gave me a hug. He needed to know that he had someone in his corner right now. I was sure that Greg would be back on his feet in no time. I was glad he had the kids, and Angie didn’t. She would have used them to blackmail us into taking care of them and her.

Monday March 20
When I came down after my run and shower, Cassidy was staring off into space instead of making breakfast.

“What’s up, Buttercup?” I asked.

“Daddy made me take the kittens to a shelter. We had to drive clear to Springfield to find a no-kill one.”

I felt better about that.

“They’ll find them homes,” I assured her.

“He also said we can’t date,” she pouted.

I chuckled.

“Perhaps some Friday or Saturday night, you could be my security when I go out for dinner,” I suggested.

“I would rather watch your TV show with my dad,” Cassidy complained.

Obviously, she didn’t get what I was saying. I blinked at her a few times before I saw the light bulb go on.

“Yeah, I could do that,” she said and smiled.

Cassidy got busy, and my parents came down. Dad grabbed the paper and began flipping through pages.

“I see our mayor was busy yesterday. He cleaned up a yard and saved a litter of kittens. The story says they think he’s a shoo-in for the next election,” Dad said.

It must have been a slow news day.

“Angie cleaned out her and Greg’s bank account, and he needs some money. I told him to talk to Scarlet about getting a debit card.”

“No, you won’t. We’ll take care of it,” Mom said.

“But...”

“When your kids are in college, you can bail them out. Greg is our responsibility,” Dad said to back up my mom.

This whole ‘having each other’s back’ my parents were doing was getting old. What happened to the good old days when I could divide and conquer?

“Do you need any money?” I asked my parents with a straight face.

“You made the mistake of giving your mother a debit card. Don’t come crying to me if she uses it,” Dad said.

I made the executive decision not to comment.

Paul was driving us to school. I had my earbuds in and noticed Cassidy suddenly glance over at me and blush. I pulled out an earbud.

“What is that noise?” Paul asked.

I pulled out the other earbud and heard a mew. This was me now: head tilted to the side, with a confused expression like Duke gets when I tell him to do something he doesn’t want to do.

“I planned to get the kitten out when I got a chance,” Cassidy blurted. Then added shyly, “He’s good at hiding.”

“Pull over,” I told Paul.

I grabbed a flashlight from the glove compartment and shined it under the passenger seat. Wedged under there was a black kitten. I tried to reach it, but every time I made a grab, it scooted over. Cassidy was impressed when I ended up pulling the whole seat out of the car. When the kitten saw me, it ran to Cassidy for protection.

Once we got to school, I walked her to her dad’s office. He took one look at Cassidy and what she had and groaned.

“I’m keeping it,” Cassidy announced.

It made my whole week to see him try to figure out how to say ‘no.’ In the end, he caved. Wimp.

At lunch, Jill finally got brave enough to come to me. I’d waited her out because this couldn’t be good. I was also not in the mood to chase a girl like Jill thought I would.

“Can we talk?”

“Sure. Want to go to our regular table?” I asked, hopefully.

“Can we possibly ... um ... eat alone?”

I shrugged in response. I glanced over and saw Wolf and Tim were in my brother’s ear. Whatever they said caused his face to flush. Phil suddenly looked determined.

Good!

Maybe he would get off his ass and fix things with Jill now.

Jill saw me glance over at my brother and touched my hand. I was momentarily amazed at the softness of her skin. Then again, ‘stupid boy,’ I reminded myself, girls are soft. It’s not just her. Frick! I had to be careful here, or Mr. Happy was going to wrench control of the body. Bad things would happen.

“I wanted to thank you again for saving me on Valentine’s Day. I think they slipped me something because ... um ... you know ... ah ... Do I have to say it?” she finally got out in a rush.

“You were jilling off as you fantasized about me?” I asked with a big grin.

It was her turn to blush.

“This was a mistake,” she mumbled and started to get up.

“Quit being a little girl about it, and I’ll tell you a secret. Every girl fantasizes about me when they’re doing that,” I said with a straight face.

She got an indignant look and huffed. I was simultaneously proud of and disgusted with myself for saying that. Jill’s mouth fell open. She wanted to say something, but she had nothing. Her comeback arsenal was empty. Game over. Chalk one up for the good guys.

“F-you! You wish!” Jill finally got out, sounding like a petulant five-year-old with a penchant for swearing.

I suddenly didn’t feel so bad about giving her a hard time. I gave her one of those ‘what can I say’ looks, which made her laugh.

Her yelling was too much for Phil. He stormed over to save her.

“I thought you said you wouldn’t try to pick up my girlfriend.”

Jill cocked her head sideways to make sure she heard him right. It dawned on my brother what he’d just announced. I felt bad for him as he got this look like he was a lost child waiting for his parents to claim him at the mall security office.

“Since when did I become your girlfriend again? I’ll have you know that I will go out with whoever I want. And another thing...” she said, just getting started.

I made a loud whistle to break her train of thought, which caused the whole lunchroom to go quiet and focus on us. Both Jill and Phil suddenly realized they were having their little blowout in front of half the school. Wolf and Tim had huge smiles on their faces for goading my brother into rushing over to save his girlfriend from me.

“Time out. Before you two turn into Gina and Wolf, what did you want?” I asked Jill.

“Oh,” she said as she gathered her thoughts back together. “I want to model. My mom and sister said I should talk to you about how to get started.”

“Do you have any shots of her in her underwear?” I asked my brother.

He called me a bad word and slugged my arm.

“Settle down. I need it to send to some of my modeling contacts. They’ll want to see Jill’s body. Of course, if you’d rather, I can have her come over tonight, and we can do a photo shoot.”

I may have taken it a bridge too far when I got a faraway look as though I was imagining the pictures I would take. Luckily, Jill caught on that I was pulling my brother’s chain.

“He’s teasing you,” she said to clue him in.

“Why don’t you two go talk about being boyfriend and girlfriend, and I’ll get back to you about the modeling. I’ll make a few calls,” I said.

“Do you really need a picture of me in my underwear?” Jill asked.

“I do—or rather, they do. I will give you their email address, and you can send the picture to them directly. They need to see your body, not a glamor shot, so nothing fancy or provocative. I wouldn’t put any makeup on, either,” I suggested.

Adrienne had shared with me some funny stories about young girls who had sent in pictures. She’d complained that they were better off with no makeup because most of them turned out looking like hookers or clowns. She cracked me up when she became a snob like that. It just reminded me that Adrienne was in the business and knew what good makeup looked like. She wanted to see what she had to work with, not have them cover up their face with a half-inch of goop.