Chapter 4: Pageant

“You’re looking well,” Eric said when he picked Candy up Sunday. It was an opinion honestly felt. She had always been beautiful, but she had also been hangdog. She didn’t actually look chipper, but she did look calmer.

“Thanks. You always look nice. I feel like I’m underdressed when I’m with you. Do you own anything but suits?”

“Yeah. I even own a couple of pairs of jeans, which isn’t to say that I could fit in them. But think for a minute. What do you wear to school? Jeans?”

“Yeah.”

“But I don’t think I’ve ever seen you when you weren’t in a skirt. So you dress up for Sundays. I, on the other hand, wear a suit every day to the office. So I don’t dress up at all for Sundays.”

“That’s a weird way to look at it. Not everybody at your church wears suits.”

“Not everybody, not half as a matter of fact. But there are men who don’t wear ties. We’re mostly a live and let live bunch. On the other hand, lawyers, businessmen, guys who wear ties every day wear them to church, too. Some of the Northwestern folk wear sports coats. Dan Hagopian told me once that a professor could teach his class in his shirt sleeves so long as he had a sports coat hanging in his office.”

“Sounds silly.” She actually smiled.

“Oh it is silly. But every profession has its silliness.” They were companionably silent until he crossed Howard. He wasn’t near the church yet, but she seemed to feel that leaving the city called for her to make the declaration.

“Look,” she said, “I’m awfully grateful for your offer. But this is my problem, and I’ve got to deal with it.”

“Well, I was planning to wait until after service. We have a lot of talking to do. But I disagree almost totally. I didn’t make an offer; I made a request. I made it earlier than I had planned to because I thought that waiting was a bad idea. Even so, it was a request that I had planned to make at a later date.

“You think your kid is your problem, and so he is, but a kid isn’t solely your problem. Do you think that Carolyn, Prof. Pierce, goes off in a corner with her kids and deals with them without help? Now the first help she has is the father of the kids, and I can see why you don’t want him involved. But other people help, too. Some of them are paid; some of them, like me, are friends; some of them like the Sunday- School teachers are part of the church; some of them are part of the community.

“Parents depend on a community,” he continued. “So do people with other sorts of problems. The first thing that Prof. Pierce thought of for you, well, the second thing after you’d reported to the official authorities, was a support network. Well, the official government let you down. The support network seems to have worked better. But there are all sorts of support networks, and you shouldn’t think you have to go on your own because the most regular network has failed you. And I don’t mean the State’s Attorney’s Office, although we did fail you. The father of your child failed you one hell of a lot worse. You can force him to pay some support, but you can’t get blood out of a turnip. But you’re not going it alone. Nobody else does. Look, we’ll talk later.”

Candy, who had sat in a back corner the previous week, joined Claire, Joan, and Kurt in a pew nearly half-way down, with him trailing after her. Kurt was so obviously interested in Joan that Eric wasn’t bothered by him. The three women sat together, and he sat beside Kurt. After church they all urged Candy to come to Christmas Eve program the next night. She looked at him.

“Sure, if you want. I know the time.”

“Let’s start at the end and work backward,” he said in the car. “The Christmas Eve program is late but not all that late. it starts at 8:00 p.m. and isn’t in the sanctuary. What I thought of, despite the rule against inviting a girl at the last minute, is my picking you up at 6:30 again. We could eat and make the program. Does that suit?”

“Sure.”

“Okay. Let’s deal with the more important issue. Do you see yourself as avoiding men for the rest of your life?”

She said, “No. I’m sure I can shake this. It’s just right now, it’s too much.”

“Okay. I understand why it’s too much. I said, way back, that I wouldn’t take it personally if you wanted to ride in the back seat. Well, if you’re off men, and as far as you’re off men, I won’t take it personally.”

“You’re a sweet guy, Eric,” she said. He was, really, a selfish guy. He wanted her, and he was willing to pay what that cost.

“Then, too, if you’re going to get over it, you’ll do that in stages. I won’t force any stage, beyond the ones I’ve forced already. If you feel ready for some stage, and try it, and -- after trying it -- you feel that you really weren’t ready for it, I won’t take that personally, either.”

“You mean sex?”

“That is really one of the stages, but not the one I meant. I was thinking of kisses. If you think you could risk a kiss with me, and then figure that was a mistake, I’m not going to insist on another one.”

“I think I’m at that level now,” she said.

“Good, because I’ve been wanting a kiss from you for a long time. But let’s put that off for another minute and let me finish my thought. You’re right. Sex is the last stage.”

“I’ve only had it once, and that was...” Now, that was interesting! She’d been a virgin before she had been raped. That meant something, but he couldn’t see what right now.

“What you had, Candy, was rape. That isn’t sex. Maybe he had sex; you didn’t. I’m not the world’s greatest expert, but there is a difference. Anyway, it is one stage, and -- while I’ve said that you’ll choose the stages and I won’t -- I’ll say that you’re not ready for that stage yet. And, I’ll bet, you’ve done some of the stuff in between. Some of that, you’re not ready for yet. Anyway...” It was time for him to articulate the choices he saw for her.

“If you’re right that you’ll overcome this, and I’m right that you’ll do it in stages, then I see you as having two choices.

“One, you go through the stages and, when you’re at the stage where marriage is appropriate and you have someone with whom you want to have a marriage, you get married and go on to the next stage.

“Two, you get married, married to a guy who’ll bear with you while you go through the stages. Then you go through the stages with him. Admittedly, the marriage will require a certain degree of intimacy which you’re not quite ready for, yet. But I can wait for most intimacy until you feel comfortable with it.”

“I don’t...” she didn’t finish the thought.

“It would take a while to get a two-bedroom apartment, but I could do that.”

“I wouldn’t feel honest doing that.”

“Well it might be better for the baby,” he said, “but it’s your decision. And, of course, that’s what I see as your possibilities. You’re in a car with this being thrown at you, although some of it is merely saying your situation out loud. It’s your decision, and it will continue to be your decision. But, getting back to what you said earlier, do you think you’re ready to be kissed without freaking?”

“Really, yes.”

“Well, you’re not ready to be kissed by the driver of a moving car. Let me get this over.” A little later, he found a legal parking space. “Okay. Why don’t you give me your hands?” He loosened his seat belt before taking each of her hands in one of his.

He leaned over and kissed her with closed lips. He let her hands go and went back to his seat. “Was that okay?” She nodded. He leaned over to kiss her again. This was longer, but still closed-mouth. “Look, I’m not grabbing you.” He reached his right hand up to cup her head. Then, slowly, he returned to kiss her. He used his hand to pull her into the kiss. He was really enjoying this when she pushed him away. Immediately, he relaxed his grip on her head and pulled back.

“Was that too much?” he asked.

“Not really. I pushed to see what would happen.”

“I let go. I’ll always let go. Well, this was fun, but I was going to feed you when this started.” He started the car and drove to the restaurant he’d intended. It was a Vietnamese restaurant in Uptown, chosen mostly to give them enough time on the drive to have their talk.

They both had bowls of soup. It was the first meal he’d seen her finish. They talked of inconsequentials, but he’d been thinking. Kissing her in the car had been marvelous, but the car wasn’t the place for kisses. The steering wheel cramped him. Maybe she was ready to come to his apartment, not now but tomorrow.

“Y’know, what about my picking you up earlier tomorrow? Maybe 6:00?” She looked at him steadily, probably reading his mind.

“Sure,” she finally said. :They say that the dress is casual for the program.”

“Yeah. It’s not a worship service. It’s mostly about kids.”

“Will I see you in jeans?”

He said, “As I said, I’m not sure that they’ll fit. You won’t see me in a suit; that’s for sure. I don’t work Christmas Eve.”

“But I can wear jeans?” Sure, and she might wear tight jeans which would reveal her shape.

“I’d love that.”

“And they won’t embarrass you in the restaurant.” Nonsense. He wished more people who knew him could see him with her. That would improve his reputation whatever she was wearing. And he certainly wouldn’t take her any place where her clothes would embarrass her

“As I said, I admit that I’m a lawyer. Nothing embarrasses me. I wouldn’t take you somewhere where you would be embarrassed.” He planned the restaurants ahead of time, of course, but he could change his choice if it looked like the wrong choice.

After he drove her home, he said, “Unbuckle your seatbelt, but don’t get out.” She followed directions. “Now, do you think you could kiss me?” He turned towards her, and she met him. He let her have control, but he held her face in both hands very gently. She kissed his lips, kissed over his cheek. She pushed his hands down, and he let her. She returned to his lips and licked them. When he opened his mouth, her tongue met his. It was the most exciting kiss he’d ever had. Then she pulled back.

“You are wonderful,” he said. They got out of the car and he walked her to the door. “Candy?” he said. She looked at him. He bent down and kissed her, his tongue entering her mouth for the first time. After a moment, he drew away. “Thank you for a wonderful time.”

He spent much of Monday cleaning up his apartment, including the bedroom that he was certain she wouldn’t see. While he worked, he thought about her statement that she hadn’t had sex before the rape. He had been right; if she hadn’t had any other sex, she hadn’t had any sex. She was still a virgin. If she no longer had her hymen, she had never said ‘yes’ to sex.

In some abstract sense, that made her more desirable yet. He didn’t desire her more than he had; it was impossible to desire her more than he had. But it meant that the act would be all the more frightening for her. She had only one memory, and that was of violence.

He picked Candy up at 6:00 and returned to the Chinese restaurant to which he had first taken her. He’d noticed before that they had fairly fast service, and he thought they wouldn’t have much business on Christmas Eve. He was right on both matters. They got fortune cookies a few minutes after 7:00. He put his hand on hers before she opened the cookie.

“Look, when we’re done here, I’d like to take you back to my apartment.”

“You going to show me your etchings?” He was surprised she knew that phrase.

“Only the etchings you want to see.”

“Okay.” He removed his hand and they both opened their fortunes.

“You will meet a beautiful blonde,” he said.

“Don’t believe anything a lawyer tells you.” They smiled at each other. They were lovers. They weren’t going to be physical lovers, but they had gone from a beautiful girl and a guy who was helping her to being lovers.

At the apartment, he took her coat and put it with his in the closet. She was in tight jeans and a blouse that clung to her breasts. Her shape was as arousing as he had guessed. They stood kissing. When her mouth opened, he ran his hands down her back to her lovely rear. She didn’t stop him. Their tongues played for minutes. Then he let go and stepped back.

“Candy?” He slowly reached towards the top of her blouse. He tried to look in her eyes while he opened the button, but he had to look at what he was doing instead. “Let’s change the rules to the more usual ones,” he said as he was opening the third button. His hands were trembling now and brushing against her breasts as they did. “I won’t ask permission, but when something scares you, stop me.”

“It all scares me. When I want to stop you, I will.” Well, that was what they had to do. For that matter, it was scaring him, too. He had got the last button open, and he kissed her again. Her tongue tasted so sweet.

After the kiss, she turned around when he put a little pressure on her shoulder. He slid his hands under her blouse to feel her smooth skin. She tensed for a moment, and then relaxed. He pulled her back so that her seat was pressed against his cock. He kissed along the line of tendon on top of her shoulder from where it went into the shoulder bone itself to her neck. Her breasts were calling his hands.

“I said I wouldn’t grab, but I have to.” He brought his hands slowly to her bra clasp, and she didn’t stop him. When the clasp was loose, he moved his hands around, slowly again, until they held her magnificent breasts. They were so smooth, so soft, so warm. They fit his hands as if he and she had been designed to stand like this. Although she was young, her nipples were prominent and firm under his fingers. When he kissed down to her shoulder again, bending to do so pulled his groin back from her seat. He pulled her back until his cock could feel both cheeks against it.

This was heaven, and he could stand like this forever. Then he suspected that he’d stood like this too long. He rotated his left hand over the front of her breast, raising his watch into visibility. They weren’t missing the pageant, but they were close to running late.

“It’s time ... If we’re going to see the pageant, the time to get ready is now.” He was speaking very low, but close enough to her ear for her to hear. If she chose to ignore it, he would be happy. Happy? He would be ecstatic. But the choice was hers. He’d promised that the choice would always be hers, but, when she made her choice, he didn’t like it. She straightened, moving her seat off his cock. He took his hands off before she needed to remove them.

“Do you want to finish dressing in the bathroom?” he asked her. She did, and he heard the toilet flush. Good idea. He could go at Aldersgate, but that would mean abandoning her upstairs. He used the john before they got their coats on.

The program had several parts. The pageant was just like last year, except that Baby Jesus was played by little Traci White. Janice, her mom, was within grabbing distance for the entire performance. Paul, threatened with a trip home before Santa appeared, didn’t do his sheep imitation during the actual performance. Candy congratulated the boys on their acting, and Paul gave his imitation then. Bill apparently felt that it was only a minor violation, and both boys got to sit on Santa’s knee.