Chapter 21

“There isn’t going to be any yelling, no one is going to raise their voices, and we’re all going to act like adults,” Grammy said sternly.

There were a few moments of uncomfortable silence before my Mom spoke. “Where are you living, Jenna?”

“Why do you want to know?”

“We want to make sure that you’re safe. We’re worried about you.”

I thought for a moment. “I’m living with my boyfriend.”

Her eyes widened, and I knew what she was thinking: You’re living in sin. He wasn’t my boyfriend, or at least I didn’t think of him that way, but my response to her question would be much more palatable to them than saying Derek was my lover or, worse, my fuck-buddy.

“How old is he?” my father asked.

My first instinct was to lie, but I didn’t. “He’s 48.”

My father’s face tightened, and he clenched his fists. Then he took a deep breath and got himself back under control.

“Does he take care of you? Does he treat you well?” my mother asked.

“He’s very kind, and he treats me really well.” Better than either of you ever did. “And ... he’s never hit me.”

Daddy lowered his head into his hands while Mom quickly averted her eyes. Grammy immediately stepped in. “You hit her, Joshua?”

With his head still lowered, he nodded, obviously mortified at what he’d done.

“Well! This does put a different twist on things.” Grammy wrung her hands for a few moments.

“It was just a light slap,” my Mom said, quickly coming to his defense.

It wasn’t just a slap to me, and for the first time that afternoon, I was able to go on offense. “My eye was swollen for two days, Mother. It didn’t feel very light to me.”

There was a full minute of uncomfortable silence; it was as if they were all trying to think of something to say. For me, the ball was in their court; I wasn’t going to make it any easier, so I remained quiet.

“Okay,” Grammy began again, sighing heavily. “So both sides have done ... some bad things and harmed each other. Joshua, you, and Grace will need to have a prayer session with me about this. But right now, you need to apologize to Jenna.” She waited a few moments. “Now, Joshua.”

Daddy lifted his head slightly. At first, he was unable to look at me, but then our eyes met. “Jenna,” he started in a shaky voice, “I apologize for hitting you; it was wrong, and I’m sorry,” he said remorsefully.

I was shocked to see tears rolling down his cheeks. “I forgive you, Daddy.”

“Okay, good, both of you, very good.” My grandmother was a very strong woman, and it was easy to see who had the most power in the room. Then she looked sternly at me. “Jenna, why are you doing this? Honey, I’ve known you your whole life, and this isn’t you,” Grammy said, her voice slightly cracking. I could feel her disappointment. I could see it in her eyes, and it was very emotionally distressing.

I’d asked myself this question so many times. Why am I doing this? I knew the answer, or I was reasonably certain I did, but it was never something that I wanted to admit to myself or even attempt to come to grips with. “I don’t know,” I whispered.

My father spoke up, “You’re making very adult decisions, Jenna, and that’s a child’s answer. More than anything, we need you to be honest with us. You owe us at least that.”

I knew how difficult this was for him, all of it. He was being polite and respectful, unlike three weeks ago, and I tried to give them an answer that they would accept. “I love the money I make working there. I have everything I could possibly want. None of you know what that’s like.”

I was being honest, but I was also holding back. I did love the money I made dancing, but I already had that kind of money with Derek. I knew he loved me and would eagerly marry me at a moment’s notice. He’d already spent thousands on me, and he’d never told me no, no matter what I asked him to buy me. I liked earning my own money, and I loved the idea of being independent, both from him and from my parents.

However, what I loved, what I really craved, was all those men’s eyes on me and the look of lust I saw within them. Furthermore, I loved what I saw on those giant TV screens when Derek made those videos, and I watched them with him or spent hours alone when he was at work watching them by myself. I loved doing all of those unspeakable sexual acts with him, things that my family would never understand. It was more acceptable for my family to think I was greedy instead of admitting to them that I was a sexual deviant.

“Your entire life, honey, we’ve given you everything, and you’ve wanted for nothing. Is money really that important to you?” my mother asked.

“Child,” Grammy jumped in, “there’s things much more important than money. You know this. You’ve been taught this. This is just wrong.”

They’re ganging up on me now.

“Look,” I said, but I struggled with what to say next. “I ... I’m not going to let anything bad happen to me, and I need you to trust me. I’m probably making more money than both of you combined. Did you know that?” All three of them looked at me with rather stunned faces. I continued on because I had to ... make them at least partially aware of what I was doing. “I’m not going to do this forever, but I’m young, and I can make a lot of money right now. I can set myself up real well for the future.” I paused for a moment, collecting my thoughts. Surprisingly, none of them jumped into the momentary pause in the conversation. “You all have taught me right from wrong. But ... there isn’t anything actually wrong with sex. I love you, but this is who I am, and I’m not quitting.”