Chapter 1: The Cyborg

The smoke from the bonfire made my eyes burn but the smell of it was comforting, even if I still didn’t want to be there. I kept my gaze on the rolling waves punishing the shoreline, highlighted in colors from the setting sun. Soon, Alexis would be tired of the scene and she would come tug on my sleeve, but until then, I decided to sink my toes in the sand and ignore the feeling that if the wind pushed too hard, I might be blown away with it.

A moody song played from Tyler’s speaker and made me feel even more isolated from the rest of my friends. I didn’t want to be there, anyway, didn’t want to see pity flash in their eyes anymore or listen to their carefully worded pep talks. I focused on the words and tried not to think of Sam. It was an impossibility.

Six summers down, another dreamless night
You’re not by my side
Scratch on the moon, like a familiar smile
Stained on my mind
Some other town, someone else’s life
Dead in the night, in the night

“You look like you’re going to start crying.”

I looked over and saw that Liam had managed to come near without me noticing. He had a cigarette in his hand, of course, and the cherry illuminated his face as he inhaled.

“I’m not,” I said.

He shrugged a shoulder. “Maybe it would be good for you.”

“Certainly better for me than inhaling secondhand smoke, for sure.”

He gazed back impassively and flicked some ash off the end of his cigarette.

Liam and I never really got along. There was no specific reason, as far as I was concerned, but I couldn’t remember ever really holding a conversation with him and felt no particular urge to do so. He was cynical and stoic; you never knew what he was thinking, and if he expressed any opinions whatsoever, they were typically as brutal as they were honest. And accurate.

I never handled his brand of honesty very well, so I kept my distance. Generally, he did, too.

“You haven’t been around lately,” he said.

“No, I haven’t.”

He sighed and looked out toward the water. “Breakups suck.”

I tried not to let it show that I was unsettled and surprised by him speaking so much to me. “Yeah, they do.”

“Guess it’s a good thing he moved. And pretty much everyone is on your side, so.”

“I didn’t want people to take sides.” I turned my head away from him and watched the sky slip from gold to navy. “They’re all his friends, too.”

“People always take sides with shit like this. Not like it’s your fault.”

“Of course it’s not her fault!” Alexis walked up to Liam’s side and shook her head. She gave him a disgusted look; she hated Liam for some unknown reason. I suspected it was because he treated her with the same indifference he treated everyone, and to someone like Alexis that was simply unacceptable. Then she grinned at me. “I wish we could be lesbians together. It would solve so many of our problems.”

“Then you would have to break up with Tyler,” I said. “Pretty sure he does things for you that I can’t.”

“Claire, don’t be so unimaginative! We could be a throuple and use him every now and then when we’re looking to spice things up.”

I wrinkled my nose. “Ew. You ready to head back?”

“Yes, let’s go. Liam’s cigarette is giving me a headache.” She gave him the finger and backed away to say goodbye to the rest of the group.

He saluted her and then walked away from me without another look or comment. It was a comfort to know some things hadn’t changed.

As we drove back to Queens from Long Island, I wondered what Sam was doing. He had moved to Colorado just a week before. His new girlfriend had received a job offer there and he claimed to be looking for a fresh start. Sam was a quintessential New Yorker so I couldn’t really imagine him nestled into the mountains, but then again, I couldn’t really imagine him cheating on me, either, and I had been proven wrong. He had all but disappeared from my life in a little over a month after being a permanent fixture for the past five years. It was jarring, to say the least.

I thought back to the night before we broke up, before I saw him with her, and how I had asked him to put in more effort into our relationship.

“You’re always late to everything, and when you get there, you’re still checked out,” I told him.

He needed to put more effort into our relationship, had to stop treating me like a second thought, had to love me like I loved him. It hurt, I said, to be taken for granted. We had been engaged for two years and needed to finalize details. He had to commit, for real. He held me close and kissed the side of my neck like he knew I loved and whispered that he would never, ever let me go.

Then I realized the next morning that he already had.

“You’re thinking about him, aren’t you?” Alexis asked as we made our way up the stairs to our apartment.

I let out my breath slowly. “Honestly, when am I not?”

“It’ll get easier,” she promised, unlocking our door.

I turned on the lamp and watched her for a moment, working up the nerve to say what I needed to. She spotted my expression and rolled her eyes.

“No.” She stomped into the kitchen and started slamming cupboard doors.

“I really don’t feel like being the third wheel, Alexis.” I sat on the couch and tried to think of the best argument I could make. I was never known for debating, and with Alexis, I was a loser before I’d even started. “We made these plans when Sam was still coming and now I am just going to be in the way all the time. I’m sure Tyler isn’t thrilled about me still coming.”

“First of all,” Alexis declared, pouring us glasses of wine, “it is my fucking birthday. I want to drive out to the goddamn Grand Canyon. I want to visit my brother. I want to get out of New York. I want to spend some time with my boyfriend and my best friend. This is my trip, my first road trip, and I planned it and you fucking agreed to come. You even took the time off from work. Second of all, Tyler is so beyond fine with you coming. You know he thinks of you like his friend, so stop.” She shoved a full glass at me with a glare. “You just want to wallow here and watch shitty TV for a week and a half. I don’t think so, doll. I shan’t allow it.”

“Did you just ‘shan’t’ me?”

She sat down beside me and picked up the remote. “Fuck yeah, I did. Now, shut up and let me watch Love Island in peace.”

I shook my head and took a sip. Alexis wasn’t wrong, of course, and she knew me too well. It was almost too easy for me to sink back into one of my depressive states, to cut myself off from everyone and everything and let myself bleed out quietly, especially when Sam’s absence felt like someone had gnawed off a piece of my soul with broken teeth.

It was astonishing that another person could become such a part of you, could be absorbed into your life as if they had become embedded in your genetic code. Sam had been a part of my identity, a sounding board for my thoughts and ideas, a cheerleader of my dreams, a lover who knew and understood my boundaries. He was the first person I told everything to, the person whose opinion mattered most, and now he was gone, torn from my life, seeping into someone else’s.

As I watched tanned people hook up and break up, I thought of Sam in Colorado somewhere. had to stop myself from sending him memes on Instagram every day, had to stop imagining weekend dinners with lots of wine. He had moved on and had essentially cut all contact. A clean break, some might call it, but there was nothing clean about it to me.

“I just don’t know if I can get over this,” I whispered, not sure if she would be able to hear me over the British accents and terrible cover of “Go Your Own Way”.

She looked at the side of my face. “You already are.”

I snorted and gave her a look. “I went out in pajamas today.”

“At least you went out,” she said with a shrug. “You’ll get over this because you have to. Because you can.”

“Obviously I’ll go to work and hang out with you and everybody else and probably force a smile when I need to, but I feel like I’m never going to be me again, do you know what I mean?”

Alexis shifted on the couch, pulling up one leg under her so that she could face me directly. “You have never just been Sam’s girlfriend to me. You have been Claire since the first day I met you and you will still be Claire to me when we are a nursing home, no matter how many guys you let dick you after this.”

“Ew.”

“This is why you need to go on this trip. You need to remember how to have fun again. You have been miserable for a long time and I don’t think you’ve even realized it, and a lot of that has to do with Sam. He was borderline abusive, Claire!”

It was a struggle to pull the next breath into my chest. I turned back to the TV. “I don’t want to hear this.”

“Well, I don’t want to hear that I need to lose ten pounds, either, but my doctor thinks I should. That’s showbiz, baby.”

I poured more wine in my glass to prepare for Alexis’s continued ridiculousness. “You’re not even in showbiz. Do you hear the shit coming out of your mouth?”

“Claire, Sam dumped you. I know it sucks.” She held up a hand when I opened my mouth to say something. “I know you love him and you think he is, like, this hot genius that can cure all illnesses and defeat bad guys and whatever other delusions you have dreamed up about him, but at the end of the day? He’s just a dude with a bad haircut who couldn’t keep it in his pants.” She grabbed onto my arm tightly and shook me a little. “He’s nothing special. You, my sweet pineapple, are special and destined to meet an actual hot genius. So, you are coming with me to Arizona. You are going to get drunk a couple of times and I will allow one, and I mean one, crying fit. You are going to sign up for Tinder when we get back and go on an obscene amount of dates. You are going to remember what it’s like to be the cool, fun, independent Claire of yesterday and you’ll look back on how you felt about this with a super cool, fun, independent smile and be like, “Wow, Alexis really know what she’s talking about, I should listen to her more often.” And you probably still won’t fucking listen to everything I say but at least you’ll know I was right at some point and that’s enough for me.”

I felt an overwhelming amount of love for my friend at that moment, but neither of us were particularly sappy. It was quite unlike her, actually, to give me any kind of speech, which indicated that I was likely in bad shape. So, I bumped her shoulder with mine and took the remote from her hands.

“If you’re making me go to Arizona, you need to shut up for the rest of this episode.”

“Excuse me? This is my show. I want you to shut up for the rest of the episode.”

“I have been silent pretty much this whole time.”

“Claire!” she laughed. “You’re such a bitch. That’s the last time I try to be inspirational.”

“Thank God,” I said, but I gave her a smile to let her know I appreciated everything she said.

I decided then that Alexis had to be right, that I had to get over Sam and move on with my life, because I was better than a modern day Miss Havisham. I had to be.

“Are there cowboys in Arizona?” I asked after a few minutes.

Alexis grinned.

I checked my bag for the millionth time while I waited. Alexis had disappeared into her bedroom yet again and I had convinced myself that I’d forgotten to pack my charger. Once I found it, I groaned a little and zipped the bag back up.

“Alexis! You’re driving me crazy. You know I am going to keep unpacking and packing until you get your ass out here.”

She hurried out wearing only a bathrobe, lugging three rather large bags behind her. “I do know. It’s good for you.”

There was a knock at the door and Alexis made a frustrated noise, throwing her hands up in the air like Tyler arriving on time somehow offended her. She rushed off to her room and shut the door, presumably to get dressed. At least, I hoped that was what she was doing.

I opened the door and greeted Tyler, amused by the three bags he dragged in behind him. “You guys are the same person, I swear.”

Tyler was used to me saying this, so he just smirked and said, “I have more style, though. Don’t forget I modeled for a bit there. I could have been the next Channing Tatum or Brad Pitt if I hadn’t given it all up to be a doctor. Never forget.”

“Even if I did forget, I’m sure you’d remind me.”

He laughed and took out his phone, scrolling through and pressing down on someone’s name to make a call. “I bet you look at my pics every night.”

“Oh, the one time you two forced me to look was more than enough.”

Tyler’s smirk grew. Then his attention was redirected to whoever answered his call. “Dude, where are you?”

I drank some water and tried desperately not to imagine what all of this would be like if Sam were coming along with us. Tyler kept talking about something I didn’t understand, so I zoned out. It wasn’t until he said a few key words that I focused on what he was saying.

“Yeah, but we wanted to leave now, so ... Oh, you’re here already? Great. Yeah, okay. We’ll be down in ... I’d say five but Alexis isn’t even showing her face to me yet so ... Right. K. Later.” He slipped his phone into his pocket and relaxed against the wall as if nothing he said was bizarre.

My eyes narrowed and he stared back, humor glittering in his eyes.

“Tyler, who were you just talking to? Who is downstairs?”

Tyler laughed and he shook a finger at me. “You’ll see.”

Alexis flew back out, a few dresses hanging off her arm, and gave Tyler a peck on the mouth. “I know, I know, I’m running late, but I’m all set now!”

“Is someone else coming?” I asked her.

She looked between me and Tyler, confused. “Not that I’m aware of. What do you mean?”

“My dad ended up needing his car this week. Last minute thing,” Tyler said. Alexis’s expression fell and mine did, too, as I wondered if we could take my sad little Toyota across country. Tyler didn’t drive and Alexis was a little nightmare behind the wheel. Tyler noticed our faces and added, “But I worked something else out.”

That was all Tyler would say until we emerged out on the busy sidewalk and spotted a familiar figure resting on a black Jeep that was double-parked. Liam puffed at a cigarette, looking bored and untouchable. He squashed it under his boot when he saw us walking over to him and reached for one of Alexis’s bags that I had on my shoulder.

“You’re coming with us?” Alexis asked, sounding as stunned as I felt. Liam was relatively close to Tyler, but rarely spent time with Alexis, too. This was as unusual as it was unexpected. When Liam didn’t answer, Alexis looked at Tyler.

“Liam’s off for spring break and called out for a few extra days. He needs to get away, too, and he’s got the car. It’s perfect.”

Liam continued loading our bags in the trunk, not saying anything, but he lifted his eyebrows once they were all shoved inside. I didn’t know how he managed to cram them all in, nor could I begin to fathom how we would be able to take them out later.

“Tyler and Alexis are divas,” I said, for some reason feeling the need to say something. Liam’s body turned a little in my direction but he didn’t look at me or acknowledge my words.

Tyler scoffed. “We just like to be prepared, right, baby?”

She didn’t reply. She clearly wasn’t pleased, and I was more than a little annoyed at the thought that I would be spending quality time with someone who had the personality of a Brillo pad when all I wanted to do was sit in my apartment, braless with a container of Thai food. Still, I kept my face blank when Alexis looked over at me with a questioning glance to see if I was upset. I knew how important this was to her, so I figured I could put up with the guy for a week and a half. I forced a smile which she probably saw through, but she understood I wasn’t going to be mad or back out now. She smiled back gratefully and got in the backseat with Tyler.

I opened the passenger door with a sigh and slid inside, surreptitiously taking stock of the car’s level of cleanliness. It was shockingly neat, although it reeked of cigarette smoke. I must have made a face that Liam caught because he snorted and lowered my window.

“No “smoking will kill you” comment?” he asked me, a trace of mocking in his tone.

I didn’t answer because it didn’t really require one and I didn’t feel like entertaining him.

Alexis let out an excited shout once Liam shifted the gear into drive. “Off we go, bitches!”

Things were mostly calm for the first few hours, though Alexis was irritated with Tyler’s music selection—”Post Malone is a terrible singer and always sounds like he’s in a cave or something.”—and Liam remained silent beside me. Tyler tried to engage him in conversation a few times, but it was clear he wasn’t interested in opening his lazy mouth. That was more than fine with me. I huddled against the door and watched as concrete faded into grass and traffic loosened.

It wasn’t until we hit Pennsylvania that things started to devolve a bit.

“What do you mean we’re not going to Graceland?”

“Tyler, jeez, I told you fifty times.”

I tuned out their bickering and looked up at the sky. It had started darkening with foreboding clouds a while back. The weather report had said a chance of rain that morning, but I checked it again to see if it changed just as the sky tore open and exploded onto us.

Liam drove quite well, I had to say, but even he couldn’t drive us through blinding rain. We pulled over on the side of the road and waited while fat drops of rain pounded on the car.

“Fuck,” Alexis said from the backseat. I turned to look at her. “I just checked the weather and they’re saying bad rain all night now! Like, literally everywhere we need to drive for the next few hours is getting slammed.”

“We’ll stop somewhere,” Liam said, the first entire sentence he’d uttered since we left New York. He unlocked his phone and started searching.

“This is seriously fucking with my schedule right now,” Alexis whined. “I wanted us to make it to Columbus before we got a room.”

I peered up at the angry sky. “I don’t think that’s likely now.”

“Well, we’ve been driving for six hours. I’m sure Liam needs a break,” Tyler said while Liam called up a hotel to see if they had any free rooms. “How long would it set us back if we just stay here tonight?”

Alexis sighed. “About three hours.”

Tyler pinched her cheek and she reluctantly smiled. “That’s not terrible, right?”

“Fine. Where are we, anyway?” she asked.

I thought back to the last sign we saw. “Pittsburgh.”

“Things to do in Pittsburgh,” Alexis said as she typed it into Google. She noticed my expression and let out a laugh. “I’m not letting you just sit in the hotel room all night.”

Liam handed me his phone and started driving again, though much slower. “There are rooms available. Navigate for me.”

I called out the directions to the nearest hotel. Liam had to ask me to pause at one point so he could get gas. He jumped out into the rain and ran into the gas station to pay.