Chapter 8: Contrition and Make Up Sex

The afternoon passed slowly, Mel’s imagination locked into all that Nick had said, at what Tracy had gotten dragged into, and how much worse it all could have been. Mel had wanted to talk it out with Tracy, go on his knees and apologize and explain, but her car was gone and this just wasn’t the kind of stuff to talk out on a phone. So he paced, tried to prepare a winter garden, started up a quick beef barley soup, all in an unsuccessful attempt to ignore the tight knot that had become a permanent part of his stomach. Truth be told, much of that knot was due to self-pity, incredibly unhappy at how his perfect weekend with Tracy at his side had turned into a disaster that made him look like a loser and of course had sent Tracy into Nick’s controlling but protective arms. Damn.

As night fell, most of the soup was pushed into the back of the fridge while Mel tried to calm his stomach with a yoghurt. Still hungry but not interested in eating, Mel distracted his racing mind by retracing his steps through an old but favorite video game, a Lara Croft adventure. Tracy had rolled her eyes when she first learned of his love for the busty heroine wearing short shorts. Mel tried to explain the complicated puzzle-solving nature of the overall game, but she just called him a “latent sexist with dominance issues.” That Nick preferred games with an abundance of gore and mayhem didn’t ever come up. Mel knew better than to ever bring Nick into a conversation.

It grew late, a light rain starting to fall, and Mel was in the process of closing up the house when he heard Tracy’s car pull into her driveway. He was debating the pros and cons of going over to talk with her when Tracy pounded on the door, then slammed it open and in two steps had Mel in a hug. Mel’s confusion at Tracy’s very welcome embrace was only redoubled when she suddenly pushed him back and hit his side with an ineffectual fist, saying “You asshole. Nick told me you guys talked it out over lunch. And you didn’t bother to include me or help me understand what the fuck went on at that shithole casino, treating me like some child, like some girl you have to protect. Fuck you both.”

Mel’s jaw had dropped at her first words and as Tracy finished her fuck-laced exclamation of disgust, Mel stammered a few nonsense syllables that went nowhere. As he put out a hand to her shoulder, Tracy batted him away, wiped an eye free of a tear and walked in stiff-legged fashion back toward the darkened rec room. Mel’s only thought was, “She’s walking into the house and not out. This could be good, or really really bad.”

Mel raced to catch up to Tracy, mentally kicking himself even as he threw out an offer of a glass of wine. Tracy just scowled and sat on the couch, and when Mel sat near but not next to her, Tracy was the one who closed the gap, pulled Mel’s arm in and rested her head on his shoulder, repeating “You assholes.” With an “s.” Not just one, so both he and Nick were in hot water and Mel was more than a little interested in hearing Tracy’s side of the story.

“Nick said he’d be talking to you, seeing you tonight,” said Mel, his head bursting with questions. “I thought you’d still be with him, you know, talking about what I did, or didn’t do.”

“Asshole. Why is it always about you?” countered Tracy. “Same with Nick. It’s always about you, or about him, especially him, what he thinks, what he wants, which is normal for guys, but it gets fucking tiring.”

Mel was confused, knew he was stepping into a minefield but figured he had to keep the conversation going if only to find out what he didn’t understand. “Um, yeah, but Nick is right. I didn’t get plastered at the casino, I got drugged, and you almost got far worse. I’m so sorry Tracy, I should have seen it coming.”

There was a lot more Mel wanted to say, about how he should have protected her and of course voice condemnations for the evils that lurk in the dark, but Tracy was having none of it. “Asshole,” and here Tracy looked up into Mel’s shocked face with eyes that had no hint of forgiveness or understanding. “Didn’t I tell you to stop treating me like a child?” Tracy stood and then quickly sat back down, frowning at the floor and then saying, “Yeah, Nick came by work. A total asshole, telling me to leave work with him, and when I said no he actually waited out in the parking lot for me. Later on I followed him to his place and that’s where he unloaded all his ideas about those guys up at the casino drugging our drinks. Yeah, it fits. Should have known.”

This is where Mel nodded but wasn’t sure of where Tracy was going, and so stuck to his standard line. He knew he’d get yelled at but thought that in the middle of it all he’d be given more insight into what Tracy was thinking and feeling. “And I think he’s right. I should have known. Just sitting here and talking about it makes me break out into a sweat. It was my stupidity that put you into real danger...”

Again Tracy lashes out, screaming out and interrupting Mel in the middle of his self-serving apology. “Stop it Mel. Haven’t you been listening? You’re supposed to listen. Yeah, I get it, your stupidity almost got me drugged and raped. Nick made that more than clear. He was really angry, like he wanted to wring your stupid neck, telling me that your horrible kind of good luck led you to drinking my dose of the drug and kept me from being dragged off.”

Mel put his stupidity in full view, making Tracy throw out a loud “fuck” when he interjected with “Yeah, and I agree. I’m so sorry. So, why are you here? Nick’s already thrown it in my face. What else can I do?”

“You can shut up you big stupid,” Tracy’s eyes meeting his and staring at him so hard Mel had to turn away. “Why do you listen to Nick all the time? He’s a self-centered asshole, and yeah, maybe you take this all too personal, but at least you listen to me, at least sometimes. Nick likes the whole dominance thing, which is kind of attractive in its own way, but I have a way different take on this whole casino thing. Listen Mel. I’ve been through sex ed 101. I know girls who have gone out to a party and woken up spread eagled on a bed or in the back seat of some strange guy’s car while he’s unloading himself into her. Girls talk about this shit. I should have been even more aware than you of the dangers of strange men and free drinks.”

Tracy paused and took a deep breath, squeezing Mel’s hand as she continued, “And I should have trusted you more. I mean, you trusted me,” and here Tracy put her hand out to rest on Mel’s arm, looking up into his eyes with what Mel saw as a lot of hurt mixed with concern as she continued, “you gave me a lot of trust, letting me dance my ass off with a bunch of guys we’d never met before. I know damn well that in your gut you wanted to rush in and pull me back, but instead you did what I asked you to do, to lay low and trust me. Yeah, the music was good, and even if the one guy had his hands all over me, that’s like normal, right? I just figured one more dance, then back to you, but the music just kept coming, and then you fell over. I should have known, a lot more than you.”

Mel wanted to say something, but he decided that it was time to put away his stupid questions and pointless exclamations. He reached out and pulled her in, Tracy burying her face into his chest and holding him just as tight. And then she started crying, her body shaking, convulsing in quiet sobs, Mel worried as her tears soaked into his shirt, worried at how Tracy was coming to grips with their shared experience at the casino. He only slowly came to the realization that this wasn’t an apology to him so much as a verbal confession to herself, Tracy talking out what she felt, taking on the responsibility of that Saturday evening and all the horrible possibilities that could have befallen them. Mel was astounded at what she was doing, at her maturity, at her strength, and felt sick at the depth of the failed responsibility Tracy must be putting herself through.

Mel wanted to rise up and disagree, to take on his own fair share of that one horrible night, demand a piece of the burden, but he couldn’t find the words. They would come, he would find some way to slowly maneuver any guilt Tracy felt back over to his own shoulders, but for now he just sat and held her close and tried to deflect the horror of the moment, saying “Total bullshit. You’re just mad because I drank your Tequila Sunrise.”

This made Tracy laugh and then start hiccoughing, one fist flying out to hit his shoulder as she said, “Stop it.” Mel went for broke when he bent down to kiss her hair and whispered, “Let’s just agree to never ever stray apart from each other ever again. Right?”

Tracy pushed away from Mel, wiped her eyes with a nearby pillow and said “Nice try. I don’t think I’m quite ready for that Mel.”

“So, what now?” asked Mel, leaving all interpretation and possible answers up to Tracy.

Tracy stood, ineffectually pulling at Mel’s hand and saying, “I don’t know about you but I really need to fall asleep in your arms.” Mel was ecstatic, though he groaned when Tracy followed up with a “and I mean sleep.”