Chapter 15: Nude beach tour

DAY TWO

Today we planned to visit the nude beach. The plan involved renting a beach tent for actual sex on the beach. But you know what is said about the best-laid plans.

In modern translation: The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry.

We left Paul’s mansion but never made it back to the May’s house.

My phone rang. It was Mitch. “Mitch, I told you Fran and I only have a few days to enjoy our boyfriend ... We had plans for the nude beach ... Seriously? ... He might like that. I will disconnect and call you back in a few minutes.”

Fran asked, “What the fuck what that all about?”

“Rick, that was Mitch, the owner of RITC. He has the cruise line contract for the nude beach tour and he just found out that his tour guides are unable to do their job today. Fran and I often do it. I told him that we would discuss doing it today with you in attendance. I promised to get back to him quickly.”

“So no fucking on the beach but I will be with both of you almost all the time, right?

“That’s right.”

“I’m okay with that. Fran?”

“Call him back and say yes.

“Rick, continue following the GPS. Once we get close just head to the harbor. I will direct you to Mitch’s parking spot.” I called Mitch back. He was very much relieved.

Sam, the bus driver, had our guests in a group explaining what Swensen’s Beach was all about. He was relieved when he saw Fran and me. He noticed Rick but said nothing. I put Rick and Fran in first. Then checked off our guests as they entered.

I sat in front. When the bus started I put on the microphone and stood.

“Testing 1, 2, 3. Is this thing on? Can everybody hear me? Good. Thank you. Okay, just to be sure – this is the bus for Swensen’s Beach. In case you didn’t get the word, Swensen’s Beach is clothing optional. You will see naked people. So, is anybody on the wrong bus?

“My list says 26 people all from the cruise ship. I bet you all don’t know each other. It’s time we got aquatinted. My name is Z. Or at least that’s what everybody has called me from before I can remember.

“We will wait to get acquainted until we get out of the bumpy twisty parking lot. I’m sorry I was late. I often do this tour but today I was supposed to get the day off. I must have gotten the word about the time you were waiting to disembark.

“Let’s start getting acquainted on the right from the front of the bus. Please stand carefully and say your name, say where you are from, and a few words about yourself.”

When they were done, “I would like to introduce my sister, Fran, who is sitting in the back.” She stood and waved at everybody. “Fran and I are Island natives. Please help us keep our ocean and island home clean. Use the trash barrels for the remains of your lunch or those who live near the beach will complain and no more nude beach tours.

“And now the reason I was supposed to have the day off. Rick, please stand. He’s a lucky guy because Fran and I share him as a boyfriend. But he unlucky because he is going to college in Chicago and was only able to visit us for a few days. Billy and Jean likely know what Chicago is like this time of year.”

Billy spoke up. “It’s often below freezing made worse by the wind off the lake. We are so happy to be warm in December. Is there any way we can stay here forever?”

“I’m happy you like it here. I know the owner of RITC came to our island when he was 10. But if you two are interested in immigration I am exactly the wrong person to ask.

“Swensen’s Beach is a clothing-optional public beach. Local families use that beach. Don’t be surprised to see overall tans on toddlers, teens, parents, and grandparents of both sexes. Although nudity is permitted, sexual activity is not. Think of it this way: if your activity would be appropriate while clothed in a public park back home then it should be okay unclothed on Swensen’s Beach.

“The beach and bus are clothing optional. But we don’t gotta show you no stinking clothes. No, we don’t. We want naked. Let’s hear it. WE WANT NAKED! Everybody now WE WANT NAKED! I can’t heeeear yoooou. WE WANT NAKED!” My chant is joined by almost everyone. “WE WANT NAKED! WE WANT NAKED!“

I striped. Fran did the same. “Let’s all get NAKED NOW!“ I saw a couple in the third row starting to strip. I handed a pair of towels to that couple and continued passing out towels saying, “Please sit on a towel when naked.”

Fran walked to mid-bus passing out towels saying, “Please sit on a towel when naked.”