Chapter 17: Take a Drunk Girl Home

Saturday December 31
“Get your butt up,” I said as I jumped on Peggy’s bed.

“What time is it?” she mumbled and saw the alarm clock.

“Get up. We’re going running,” I announced. “I’ll get the boys up while you change.”

I overheard my mom tell Duke to get off the bed, so I knew he was doing his job by waking them up for his morning loving. When I went into the boys’ room, I saw Little David standing up in his crib, so I picked him up.

“It won’t be long before you’re ready for a big boy bed,” I told him.

I got both Little David and Coby ready and ran down the stairs, carrying them.

“No running in the house!” greeted me when I came into the kitchen.

My mom gave me a look. Some things never change. She’d been yelling that at me for as long as I could remember. The boys loved it when I did it, though.

Duke was waiting by the back door. He had figured out we were going for our run. Peggy took Little David and got him into his coat so he could go outside while I did the same for Coby. We then went out and put the boys in the tandem running stroller. Duke ignored Precious as he sat in front of Peggy to get his leash put on.

“Sorry, your buddy would rather go for a run than play,” I told the neighbor cat.

Precious glared at us as if we were dead bugs in her water bowl.

I let Peggy set the pace and just enjoyed the run. It had warmed up, so all the snow had melted. It was still in the high 30s, which made me miss LA even more.

“Do you have a date for tonight?” I asked.

“I thought I would go stag and hang out with Ashley and Scarlet. I hope you know that you have to dance with us.”

“Unlike you three, I’m not socially inept. I actually have a date,” I said with a superior attitude.

“It’s kind of hard to find a guy when you have a kid,” Peggy complained.

“Puhlease! I have five, and it hasn’t slowed me down,” I teased her.

She mumbled something about having a talk with Cassidy.

“Okay. I have a feeling that I’ll have to dance with my grandma and mother, so dancing with three more old ladies shouldn’t hurt me,” I conceded.

“Are you trying to piss me off?” Peggy asked with a stern expression.

“Lighten up. You used to be fun.”

That earned me a smack, and I saw a little smile touch her lips. I knew that Peggy could dish it out as well as take it, so I had no doubt there would be payback at some point. Our relationship had evolved into one where I considered her a part of the family. Not precisely a sister, but close enough. I couldn’t quite put her in the sister role because I still had impure thoughts about her. Peggy had been my first serious crush, after all.

We spent the rest of the run catching up. That had been my intent and was why I didn’t push the pace. We were both laughing when we came in the back door.

“You two are in a good mood,” Uncle John observed.

“We went for a run, and David was being a goof,” Peggy explained as we got the coats off the boys.

Aunt Bonnie came in, looking put out.

“That kitten is evil,” she announced.

“No take-backs,” Dad said to make sure it was clear they’d agreed to take him.

“He’ll have to be a barn cat. I’m not having that in my house,” she announced.

We would owe Uncle John big-time for taking Satan’s Spawn off our hands. Neither my mom nor dad made a comment once my aunt had all but said she would give him a home.

“Did you try on your tux?” Mom asked.

“Uh, that would be a ‘no,’” I admitted.

“Go take your shower and then try it on. If we have to get it altered, we don’t have all day.”

Duke and I went to my apartment and found Satan’s Spawn guarding the stairs. He took a swat at Duke but was bowled over. My hound wasn’t afraid of a kitten. Now, if Precious had been at the top of the stairs, we might have had a standoff.

“Silly cat,” I said as I scooped him up and gave him some loving.

I walked into my bedroom and tossed him on my bed.

The tux fit fine, as I knew it would. Adrienne knew my measurements from all the work we’d done together. She’d scored me a Ted Baker London ‘Josh’ trim-fit tuxedo that was blue with a contrasting black shawl lapel. That clued me in that Brook’s dress must be blue, too.

I called Adrienne to thank her. Of course, Tyler answered.

“Is the boss around?” I asked.

“David! We were just talking about you.”

“You’ve both decided you like guys and want me to get on a plane to fulfill your wildest fantasies?” I guessed.

She laughed, and I heard in the background, “Who are you talking to?”

“David.”

“Give me the phone.”

“Why is Tyler blushing?” Adrienne demanded.

“I was just telling her what a rare gift she is to you,” I said, sucking up.

“Yeah, I know,” Adrienne grumbled. “She’s as rare as finding a leprechaun under a double rainbow.”

“Actually, rarer.”

“Why do you say that?” Adrienne asked.

“Who else would put up with you?”

“Whatever. Did you have a reason for calling, or did you just want to rattle our cages?”

“I wanted to thank you for the clothes.”

“You know the drill. Get your picture taken in them,” she said and then got excited. “Maybe you could get arrested or get drunk and do something foolish. That would make them happy.”

“Gee, thanks. I think I’ll pass. The last thing I need right now is a scandal.”

“You’re probably right,” Adrienne said and then changed the topic. “You owe me pictures of the kids.”

“I’ll send you some later today. I’m having lunch with my new ones.”

“We should look into getting a reality show for you. You could be like that family that has like a hundred kids.”

“Nice. With that, I’m hanging up.”

She just laughed at me. I was glad my life was amusing to someone.

Chuck was my security for the day. I was told that I had to take Little David and Coby with me on my ‘playdate,’ as Peggy called it. Mom informed me that I was the one who missed my kids, so I could take them for the day. I think the two of them just ganged up on me so they could have alone time.

When we got to the condo, Pam met us at the door.

“How did you know I was coming over?” I asked.

“Ashley told me, and I watched for your car,” she explained.

I gave her a hug and a kiss.

“I’ve missed you,” I admitted.

“Me too. Now let’s get out of the cold.”

As we grabbed little ones and went up the elevator, we caught up. Pam told me Tracy was both excited and worried because she would be going to State this coming semester. She’d been held back a semester when she had her bout with depression.

“Tracy knows we are all right here,” I said.

“She does. She’s also excited about going to LA. As am I. I can’t wait to show her around,” Pam said.

“Where I’m staying is five minutes from Pepperdine. I think you made a great choice in schools. I didn’t know it has a religious bent, though.”

“That surprises you?”

“I just never thought of you as the religious type.”

“They do have students who aren’t. Just like Notre Dame isn’t all Catholics,” she reminded me. “Plus, don’t you think I would be safer there?”

“That’s a good point. A good religious boy is what you probably need.”

“Unlike that last one I dated who got me pregnant.”

“Touché,” I said as we reached the condo.

Scarlet answered the door. Little David and Coby saw their buddies and wanted to be put down. They were fussing because they thought that Pam and I were taking too long to get their coats off. As soon as I put Coby down, he crawled over to Carol and grabbed the toy she was playing with. I was impressed when she pushed him over and took it back. I just shook my head and figured they would work it out. I was just happy to see my little girl was standing up to my son.

Dawson raised his arms, so I picked him up. Someone was tired because he laid his head against my chest.

“Adrienne wants some pictures,” I said as I handed Pam my phone.

Pam took some candid shots and then joined Ashley and Scarlet in the kitchen. There was a knock at the door, and I let Chuck in. The traitor would rather spend time with the girls than with the kids and me.

An hour later, Pam came out to check on me. I was on the floor with Carol on my chest, and all the other little ones piled up around me, sleeping. She took a picture and went back into the kitchen to show everyone.

I just lay on the floor and felt the sun from the window warm me up. This was precisely what I’d been missing: time with my kids ... napping.

Brook and Halle had bailed on me today so they could help organize the party for tonight. It was going to be held at my dad’s country club in their ballroom. So, I had the whole afternoon to spend with the little ones.

Scarlet came out of the kitchen.

“Come have lunch. They’ll be out for another thirty minutes, at least.” I carefully slid Carol off my chest, and she didn’t even stir. I wish I slept as soundly.

“We were just talking about men,” Ashley said to catch me up on their conversation.

I looked over at Chuck, and he didn’t seem too traumatized, so it hadn’t been a man-bashing session.

“Did you know that for the first time ever in the United States, over 50% of women are single?” Scarlet asked.

“What is it with men?” Ashley asked and looked at me.

I held up my hands.

“Surely, you don’t expect me to defend all men.”

“You are a man, aren’t you?” Pam asked with a smirk.

“Easy, killer. I’m not the enemy,” I reminded everyone.

“Do women even want a relationship?” Chuck asked.

For some reason, they all glared at me.

“Hey, I have a girlfriend,” I said, and then got smart and looked at Chuck. “Why do you say that?”

Chuck realized I’d diverted their glares to him.

“Look. Back when our parents were dating, the roles of men and women were well-defined. Nowadays, women are much more independent. It has gotten to the point where if a man acts like a man, he’s accused of being politically incorrect. We’re constantly reminded that men are the problem, and we’re not needed—and in a lot of cases, not wanted.”

“I’m, like, totally cool with the casual thing,” Ashley said.

“Says the girl who’s been planning her wedding day since she was six years old,” Scarlet quipped.

“See, that’s just it. Women give off mixed signals,” Chuck said. “You don’t want us, you don’t need us, until you do. Then you’re confused when we try to just keep it ‘casual’ and don’t want to get serious. I wish you would all make up your minds.”

“You’re serious?” I asked.

“Okay, I know you all will hate me for saying this, but I’m going to just say it. You hear it on the news. Female leaders saying stuff like men need to get out of the way of more capable women. Heck, my own mom taught me that men shouldn’t bring girls flowers, should never push for sex, and should always put their needs first. We’re treated like second-class citizens. Where is the equality in any of that?” he asked.

“So, men have given up?” Ashley asked.

“As a man, I have to ask myself, what’s in it for me?”

“You don’t want to get married and have kids?” Scarlet asked.

“All I have to do is look at David and see how much work it is. The other side of all this is that women are willing to just keep it casual. I go out three to four times a week and don’t have any problem bringing someone home most nights. I don’t need to get married to have sex. Back in the day, that would have been a deal-breaker.”

“Don’t you worry about ending up lonely?” Scarlet asked.

“Not really,” he admitted.

“I met a woman in Palm Springs who had a similar theory. She called someone like Chuck a ‘man-child.’ She was frustrated that she couldn’t find anyone who wanted to actually date and be serious. The woman basically said that boys just want to have fun,” I related.

“We’re never going to find anyone,” Ashley complained.

“That’s why I have a backup plan,” Pam said.

“This should be good,” I groaned.

“All I have to do is tell David, and he’ll marry me.”

“Really. I was just thinking David might be my backup plan,” Scarlet teased.

“Pam’s right. She already locked me down. Maybe you can make a deal with Chuck that if you’re both single at 30, you get married,” I suggested. “That way, he won’t be lonely.”

“You told her you’d marry her?” Ashley asked incredulously.

“I think I’ve asked her like three times,” I admitted.

“And you turned him down?” Ashley asked.

“Sounds like you better not ask her,” Chuck advised as he pointed his chin at Ashley to warn me.

“Shut it,” Scarlet said to Chuck, and then turned to me.

I held up my hands.

“Look, Pam and I have known each other longer and have gone through a quite a bit together. I would do anything she asked of me. I hope that as we get to know each other better, that at some point I can say the same about you two,” I said.

“Don’t let him fool you. He would do anything for you right now,” Pam said to blow my cover. “Those little ones trump anything for him. He’s what Chuck would call an ‘old school’ kind of guy. David fully intends to get married and have a household of kids.”

“I just got a head start on the kids,” I admitted.

“That’s what condoms are for,” Chuck said.

“Yes, I’m well aware,” I said, giving him a put-out look.

My mom could lecture me, but I didn’t need it from my security.

“Sorry. I was trying to be funny, but I think it fell flat,” Chuck conceded.

“You might want to pick your crowd a little better next time,” Pam said to remind him that all of them were well aware of what I hadn’t worn when I should have.

“I’m also sorry if I said some things that might have offended you,” Chuck added to the women.

“No. I think we all knew what the problem was,” Scarlet said.

“Men,” Pam and Ashley said in unison.

“You should man-up and ask Scarlet out,” I said to Chuck.

Everyone looked at me like I’d lost my mind. Granted, I was always the last one to know something when it came to people liking each other. But I had been getting better, and I’d noticed how they looked at each other when they thought no one saw.

“She does need a date for tonight,” Ashley prodded.

“Hey, I tried to hook you up in Mexico. I’m not giving up on you,” I said to remind him of the calendar girls we’d met.

The wimp had run away when I tried to get him a date with the models.

“Would you...” was all he got out.

“Yes,” Scarlet responded.

“Well, okay then,” Chuck said, looking a little shell-shocked.

“Don’t forget to pick up condoms,” I said.

“David!” Pam chastised me.

I just grinned. Like my mom, I did like to get my revenge every now and then. Poor Chuck’s face looked like he’d been suddenly sunburned.

“Now I need a date,” Ashley complained.

“Hang on,” I said and got out my phone and dialed. “Hey, are you still in town?”

“Yeah. I probably won’t go home until Monday. We have meetings with Grace this weekend,” Kent said.

“I need you to do me a solid and take someone to the New Year’s Eve party tonight,” I said, playing matchmaker.

“If you’re suggesting, I trust she’s someone I would like.”

“Her name is Ashley, and she works for my mom. I think you’d have a good time.”

“Okay, sure,” Kent said.

“Good. Let me hand my phone to her, and you two make plans,” I said and handed the phone to Ashley.

“Now me,” Pam said.

“Sorry. You’re mine,” I said.

I knew that she and Tracy were going together. What was a best friend for if not your plus-one? That, and I knew that Pam wasn’t ready to date anyone right now.

“You still love me best?” she asked.

“Yes.”

That seemed to satisfy her.

When Ashley got off the phone, she wanted to know who Kent was. I guess Scarlet had mentioned that he was cute because when she explained who he was, Ashley was a happy girl.

While we’d been hanging with the kids, it had started to snow. I received a text from my mother to come home and salt the driveway and sidewalks. That put me in somewhat of a snit because my dad, uncle, and brother were all at the house. I was expected to come home and take care of that? Life wasn’t fair.

When I walked in the back door, I instantly got a whiff of homemade chocolate chip cookies. Did these people think they could woo me with cookies? Did they really think I was that weak?

I hoped they didn’t have nuts in them.

After delivering Little David and Coby to Peggy, I found Duke, and we went out to take care of the salt. It took me almost ten full minutes. I’d never get that time back. Duke had brought his ball out with him, so I threw it for another twenty minutes to relieve the stress of having to do all the work in our household.

I finally rounded up my boy, and we went in to sample the cookies. Thankfully, Melanie had just pulled out another batch because my brother, dad, and uncle had eaten the last one.

“I sold my first story,” Melanie announced.

“Dead hooker?” I asked as I shoved a cookie in my mouth.

They did have nuts, so I decided to let go of my annoyance at having to actually do something around here.

My dad and uncle both gave me a look. I was surprised when Greg didn’t even flinch at the mention of a dead hooker.

“Is there something you need to tell us?” Uncle John asked, taking the bait.

When I smirked, Dad rolled his eyes at me. He, at least, had resisted the urge to quiz me about something that sounded crazy on its face.

“David told me he and Fritz have a contingency plan in case there’s ever a dead hooker,” Melanie explained.

Uncle John couldn’t help himself.

“Why would you need that?”

“Because that was about the worst situation we could think of. If we had a plan for that, then anything else that happens should be easy,” I explained.

Uncle John was about to ask a follow-up question, but my dad put his hand on his arm to let him know to let it go.

“What story did you sell?” I asked.

“Frank decided that the dead hooker contingency plan probably wasn’t how he wanted you portrayed. Your mom overheard and suggested the rabid squirrel story.”

I had to tell my uncle what happened. Precious, the cat from hell, had caught a squirrel in our back yard. Duke thought his sole purpose in life was to rid us of the filthy vermin. Of course, he’d never been able to catch one himself, so he was a little put out when he saw Precious with one of the little bastards. His words, not mine.

Brit had come over to help take the squirrel away from Precious, and I’d put Duke in the house. When Brit was about to retrieve said squirrel, my mom had opened the back door to see what my dog was barking about. Duke, of course, bolted and made a beeline for the cat and squirrel.

The squirrel, fearing for its life, had escaped Precious and gone to ground inside the front of Brit’s sleeping shirt. I left out the part where she was braless, and I saw her magnificent boobies. Brit extracted the squirrel from its safe place between her breasts and flung it from her. It ended up in my mom’s hair.

Duke decided to jump and snatch the squirrel off my mom’s head. The squirrel had other ideas and leaped, landing on one of Brit’s brothers. It then made the leap to the garage roof, thwarting my hound’s best chance to ever catch a squirrel.

I was just glad my mom could now tell the story and see the humor in it. At the time, both Duke and I were on her list to be shipped off to my uncle’s farm.

We all arrived at my dad’s country club for the evening event. Brook had insisted that I walk in with Halle when she saw Doris Harper from About Town, a regional gossip TV show, with her camera crew. It was through her that I’d been ‘discovered’ by Sandy Range and had gotten my first big break in modeling.

“Hey, Doris. How have you been?” I asked with my best Hollywood smile.

“I had a tip you two would be here,” she said with her own fake smile and offered me her cheek to kiss.

I was a little grossed-out because she had on about an inch of makeup and smelled of hairspray. I officially introduced her to Halle.

“Is your mom here?” Doris asked Halle.

“Not yet. She and her date will be here in a little while.”

“Oh ... who is her date?” Doris asked the very same question I had.

“Stewart Thatcher. I’ll let her tell you all about how they met,” Halle said.

Stewart was my costar in The Royal Palm and was scheduled to play James Bond in our upcoming movie. I’d seen the two of them do several preproduction-hype interviews. I wondered if this was like Halle and me walking in together or if there was more to it. Then I had another thought. That kind of ‘are they, aren’t they?’ gossip might be exactly what Rita and Stewart were hoping for.

Doris ushered us off to where they’d set up a temporary set so she could conduct our interview.

“What’s with the hair?” she asked me to kick us off.

“I like David’s new look. He is the quintessential California boy now. Blond hair and a rugged jaw topped off with a surfer body. David looks like he lives on salt water and sunshine and was born to run beaches shirtless,” Halle said.

“Do you actually surf?”

“David’s pretty good for a relative rookie. I think it has to do with his athletic abilities,” Halle said, hogging the interview. “He has used our beach house, and I’ve heard he’s been seen surfing at various beaches in Malibu.”

“You don’t have problems surfing in public?” Doris asked.

“Surfers are usually pretty cool,” Halle said. “The only time we ever have any difficulties is when the paparazzi decide to swarm.”

“So, are you two dating?”

I waited for Halle to jump in, but she suddenly got quiet. I was so going to kill her.

“Seriously? You have nothing?” I asked.

“I just realized I had been taking all the questions,” she tried.

Even Doris wasn’t buying that one.

“I’ll take that as she wants to, but you have other ideas,” Doris said to me.

“Next question,” I encouraged.

Somehow Halle got over being shy, and I never got a word in after that. She gave me a sheepish look as we walked out and then smiled.