Never again will I feel my husband’s lips as he kisses me goodbye. He’s gone. He left me because I fell in love with another man. Like my husband, Michael is a good man. How could a wife thief be a good man? I’ve asked myself that question many times, but he only took what I gave him so how is he bad? All I know is my guilt over the whole situation is killing me.

Not in the thirty eight years since I met my husband have my eyes ever looked at another man. Now, they only see Michael and I don’t know what to do. What is wrong with me? How can I betray my spouse like I have? But I can’t help it. I’m drawn to Michael like a moth to a flame and now because of it, I’ve lost my husband.

Michael and I knew each other over a year before we began seeing each other romantically. We soon fell in love. It’s not that hot burning love I have with John, but it’s love none the less and it is special. Michael’s situation is similar to mine. He is still in love with his wife and doesn’t want to give her up. I didn’t want to let John go either, but the choice is no longer mine. John is gone now, never to return.

When we married, John promised before our family, friends and God that as long as I was his, he would love me and no other. He reinforced that promise every day by giving me a gentle kiss on my forehead as he got out of bed. During the week he had to wake up early because of his job and the long commute. He was out of the house long before my alarm went off. His waking before me carried into the weekend so every morning for over thirty five years he kissed me like that.

It may not sound like much but to us, it meant a lot.

John and I married only months of meeting each other. Most of our respective families thought we were tying the knot too soon and tried to talk us out of it. We married anyway and have never regretted our decision. Two kids and three grandchildren later made our life even better.

But it was that morning ritual of him kissing my forehead that told me I was his and that he loved me. He never said “I love you” instead letting the act speak for itself. He worried his words would wake me and ruin my sleep so he kept quiet. It didn’t matter, I was awake anyway waiting for the kiss that made me feel warm inside.

One of the other wonderful things about my husband is he kept himself in shape. Being a former Marine gave him a strong sense of discipline and it stayed with him his entire life. He took pride in telling me unlike other husbands in their upper fifties he could look down and still see his feet and not some big beer belly.

He ate right, exercised and tried to live a healthy life. So when he was diagnosed with cancer it shocked us all. The doctor said it was an aggressive type of cancer and if he wanted a chance to beat it he had to start treatment immediately. John took up the challenge and was driven to beat the disease.

The chemo and radiation hit him hard, but me watching him suffer hit me just as hard. I was helpless to do anything except be there for him the best way I could. John could tell the helplessness I felt was getting the best of me so with his encouragement I joined a support group. I met others like me who had a spouse with cancer. It was there that I met Michael. His wife had been fighting breast cancer for two years and was losing her battle with it. She would eventually lose her fight.

We quickly became friends and eventually much more. The support group was supposed to give me the ability to manage my pain of having a spouse with cancer and the fear that I may lose him, instead I found his replacement. My guilt was overwhelming at times and because of it I wasn’t always as attentive to John’s needs as I should have been. But throughout it all, John would kiss my forehead letting me know with his unspoken words he loved me and I was his.

Except for this morning. For the first time since we met he spoke, the words, “I love you, always” and kissed my forehead goodbye one final time. John kept his promise.

You see, I agreed to marry Michael yesterday. John died eighteen months ago and just like when he was alive, I felt his kiss every morning. I was his then. But now, I belong to Michael. I will never again feel John’s kiss.