Chapter 11: Painful Memories

Kisa stood in the kitchen and scowled at the pantry door.

How many times had she wandered in here and absent-mindedly opened it? At least three times a day, and now that she was here again, she had decided to look through the whole pantry and discover just what it was that she was looking for.

Her missing memories really bothered her. She had just assumed that something would come back to her in the last few days, but all she got was static. Vivid images of the old man stirred something up in her that she couldn’t describe, but they didn’t tell her a thing about his identity or even her own.

Tink walked into the kitchen and climbed up onto the counter to pour herself a cup of coffee. She looked at Kisa and yawned, revealing a frightening amount of teeth.

“Stupid cat, litter box somewhere else.” She slugged half of her coffee and winced. “Blegh. Maybe kitty pee in here, too.”

“Hey, fuck you.” Kisa put her hands on her hips. Ever since she had almost fallen off the railing the other day, she had deliberately avoided the goblin. Being alone was difficult in a house full of so many people, but at least everyone gave her some space. In a lot of ways, it was almost like they didn’t even see her. She hadn’t decided yet whether this offended her or not, but it had given her plenty of time to think things over.

However, the one person in the house who always seemed to notice her presence was Tink, and she never failed to comment on it.

“Worthless cat lay around all day. Tink too busy for fucking.” She smiled at her own joke and then drank the rest of her coffee. “Too tired, too.”

“Wow, you’re so clever,” Kisa responded while rolling her eyes.

“Tink very clever, thank you.”

“No, that’s sarcasm, you stupid goblin!” She growled and held out her hands, her claws unsheathing. “Ugh! Why do they even keep you around?”

“Husband need sexy goblin girl. Other girls fine too, but Tink extra special.” She grinned. “Nobody smart like Tink.”

“Please. You can’t even talk straight, you brain-dead—”

Tink leapt from the counter and landed in front of her, fangs bared. She grabbed a handful of fur on Kisa’s chest and shoved. Kisa stumbled back into the shelves, causing boxes and cans to spill all around both of them.

“Ow, dammit!” She tried to reach the box of oatmeal that had fallen on the floor, leaning dangerously far forward on her crutches. They wobbled beneath her until they slid away, causing her to land flat on her face. Tears welled up in her eyes as pain shot through both of her legs, and she rolled onto her back to clutch the thick, plaster cast on her left leg. Her right leg was in a brace that bent at the knee, pins holding the thing in place.

“Easy, Kisa.” He came in from the next room over. It was a different apartment this time, and when he knelt by her side, he slid one arm behind her and lifted. “Why didn’t you call me?”

“I shouldn’t have to fucking call you,” she snapped. “I need to learn to do this shit on my own.”

“Language, Kisa. Just because you are hurt does not mean we have lowered our standards.”

“I’m not hurt, I’m crippled!” She picked up one of her crutches and threw it across the kitchen. “The doctors don’t even know if I’ll walk properly again, much less dance.”

“Anyone can dance, Kisa.” He picked up her crutch and set it just out of her reach. “Dancing comes from the soul, not the body.”

“Yeah, well tell that to the acceptance committee at Julliard!” She threw her other crutch now and clawed at the table in anger. “They don’t give a shit about my soul, they want to see me dance. A full ride! They offered me a full ride, and unless you know some miracle man who can fix my legs in the next year, it’s gone forever.”

He shook his head and clucked his tongue. “More to life than dance, Kisa.”

“You and I both know that’s the only way I was ever going to go to college. My whole future depended on being able to dance! I haven’t just lost my legs, I’ve lost my will to live.” She threw herself forward onto the table and bawled, slamming her fists against the wood of the table. “It’s not fair! I’ve been kicked around my whole life, and just when it was getting good, I get hit by a fucking car!”

The table beneath her hands vanished and she was back in the kitchen with Tink, her back pressed against the shelves. The goblin snarled, lines of exhaustion written across her face.

“More to smarts than big words,” she growled, then put her face in her hands and took a step back. “Ugh. No. Tink sorry, no want fight.”

Kisa stared at the goblin, her heart pounding in her chest. The flashback this time had not only been intense, but all the rage and misery she had felt back then had somehow carried itself forward in time, and all she could think about was how she had lost everything that mattered to her. Her legs had been crushed, her femur splintered in several places. So many dreams had gone out the window, just like her memories, and all the pent up anger in her body finally had a direction to go.

“Well, I do,” she growled, then threw herself at Tink.

The two of them shoved each other around the kitchen, grappling, grunting and claring. More containers fell, splitting open boxes of pasta and a giant bag of rice. The floor became slick with dried goods, so they ended up on the counter, throwing fists and claws at each other. Tink bit into Kisa’s shoulder, only to spit out a mouthful of fur. Kisa picked up a jar of spaghetti sauce and smashed it across Tink’s eyes, blinding her.

They fell off the counter and crashed onto the floor. Kisa rolled on top of Tink, her hands squeezing the goblin by the throat. There was an unlabeled rage now powering her, and she smacked the goblin’s head onto the floor repeatedly.

Tink just laughed. This made Kisa mad enough that she picked up a nearby can and smashed it into the goblin’s head.

“What the absolute fuck is going on in here?”

The temperature of the room dropped dramatically as Yuki stepped into the kitchen. She was covered in fresh paint and crystalline shards of ice spun in circles around her outstretched hands. Her eyes were wide open, and circles of frost had formed along her cheeks.

Kisa froze in place, then looked down at the goblin. She had just attacked a member of the house for no good reason. Granted, Tink had pushed her first, but she could only imagine how the others might see it. The anger from before melted out of her, and she let go of Tink’s hair.

A feeling of dread filled her chest, and she moved back from the goblin, afraid that Yuki might attack her.

“Tink helping dumb cat find snack in pantry,” the goblin declared. “We climb too high, fall off shelves, big mess.” She sat up and wiped some sauce off of Kisa’s face, then licked her thumb. “Still taste good.”

“Are you sure?” Yuki’s eyes narrowed at both of them. “I thought the house was under attack with all that noise!”

“Tink step on dumb cat tail when fall. Make big sound. Misunderstanding is all.” She stood up and looked around, a forlorn expression on her face. “Big misunderstanding.”

Yuki looked back and forth between the two of them and then sighed. “Here. Let me help you two clean up.” She walked to the nearby closet and pulled out a broom and a dustpan.

The three of them swept up the food and broken glass, and then mopped up the sauce. Kisa said nothing, but Tink grumbled the whole time. Once they were done, Yuki cast a suspicious gaze over both of them before departing.

“Why—” Kisa began, but Tink put a hand over her mouth and shook her head, then beckoned her to follow.

She led Kisa down the stairs to the basement—a place that Kisa hated. It was like a giant concrete coffin, and for some reason, the freezer filled her with a sense of dread.

“Fox have good ears,” Tink whispered. “We talk now.”

“Why did you stick up for me?” Kisa rubbed her arms with her hands, her body filled with a phantom chill. “I was going to beat your ass.”

Tink rolled her eyes. “Good joke, but no. Tink no worried, much better fighter than stupid cat. Not important, though.” She sat down on the floor and yawned again. “Tink no want cat to get in trouble and have to leave.”

“Why though? You and I don’t get along.”

“So? Tink not always get along with others. For long time, Tink get along with nobody. Learn how to fix everything, maybe everyone love Tink, maybe not, but had to try.” The goblin pulled her goggles off her head and stared at the lenses as if lost in a memory. “Tink make much trouble, get grief from everyone. So Tink be quiet, hope nobody notice, still trouble. Things work out, but Tink still lonely. Then husband come, make everything worth it.”

Kisa scrunched up her face. “That doesn’t answer my question in the slightest.”

The goblin groaned. “Dumb cat like Tink. Not know place yet, not even know self. Lonely, like Tink was.”

“I like being alone.”

“No.” She shook her head firmly. “Difference between alone and lonely. Right now, dumb cat is both. Maybe hate Tink, but that’s okay. Maybe if wait, dumb cat will make friends like Tink, find purpose. Husband say to give dumb cat a chance, so Tink keep mouth shut.”

Kisa frowned. “So, what, you’re gonna be nice to me because Mike said so?”

“Yep.” Tink slid the goggles back over her head. “Doll try to kill husband, now friends. Fox try to kill husband, also friends. Demon lady, too. Give extra chance, make best decision. Tink give extra chance, also make best decision.” She stood and stretched, her tail flicking behind her like a whip before giving Kisa a knowing look. “Especially because dumb cat broken in head. Tink know all about that.”

Dumbfounded, Kisa watched as the goblin walked up the stairs.

“But doesn’t mean Tink always nice,” she shouted down the stairs, then turned off the light with a laugh and closed the door.

Though it was dark, there was enough light coming in through the basement door that Kisa could still see plenty. She chuckled at how juvenile turning off the light was and waited a couple of minutes for the goblin to clear out.

She sat on the bottom step, her tail curling around her feet. Ever since the day she had arrived, she had felt lost. Her entire history was missing from her, but why?

What hurt more was that Tink had been right about her being lazy. The few times she had given any thought to attempting to remember anything, she had been filled with fear. It was almost like she didn’t want to remember, but why would that be? She barely spoke to the others, and they had given her plenty of space as a result.

But did she need that space? Was Tink right? Was she lonely?

“A second chance,” she said, her eyes on the opposite wall.

The freezer hummed, and the fur on her back and neck stood up, the room now closing in on her.

“A second chance,” said the old man, holding a dark collar in his hand. It was made of some type of dark fabric and had a silver bell on it. His face was twisted up as if in pain as he sat across from her in their apartment. “Something leftover from the old country. It may fix you, Kisa, but it will change you.”

She pulled her hair up and tilted her head back, revealing her throat.

“Do it,” she demanded, her leg throbbing. She had been out of pills for the pain for nearly a week now and didn’t care if some weird folk tale killed her.

With a sigh, he leaned forward and buckled the collar around her neck. She waited for something to happen, to feel different inside, but ... nothing.

“I thought this was supposed to change me?” she asked.

“Take time. Magic never an exact science, Kisa.” He coughed, his face briefly turning bright red. “We will know in a day or two.”

The apartment shattered like glass, and she was now back in the basement once more. Only now, the light was back on and she saw a blonde woman in front of her. She projected an aura of hope and radiance.

“A second chance,” said the woman, holding the same collar in her hands. “Now that it’s off, how do you feel?”

There were no words. Kisa threw herself at the woman and embraced her, her eyes full of tears.

“You saved my life, thank you!” When she stepped back, she wiped the tears from her eyes. “If I can ever do anything to repay you, just tell me and I’ll do it.”

The woman’s eyes gleamed beneath the hanging bulb of the basement. “As a matter of fact, there is something you can do for me. It won’t be easy, but you will be helping me like I helped you.”

The room swirled again and she was now in the second-floor studio room, only now it was fully furnished. The harp stood against the wall, the strings vibrating on their own as it played a song by itself.

“Please, Emily, give me a second chance, I know I can do it this time!” Kisa was on her hands and knees. “Please don’t make me wear it again.”

The blonde woman from before regarded Kisa cooly. There was a cruelty in her face that hadn’t been there before, and she crossed her arms across her chest. Dangling from one of her hands was the collar.

“It’s just for a little while,” Emily explained as she slid it around Kisa’s neck. “I just need you to be a little bit ... cattier. You owe me, remember.”

Kisa cried silently as she stared at her hands. For now, they were human. But for how much longer?

Kisa threw herself back onto the steps, her hands clutching at her throat to tear the phantom collar off. The memories were just fragments, but they had been real enough. Emily had been the previous Caretaker, and she had been partially responsible for her transformation.

Holding her head in her hands, she let out a cry that became the drawn out yowl of a cat in pain. She stumbled up the stairs and into the kitchen.

“Please, Emily, take it off!” She was pulling at the collar on her throat, but Emily was ignoring her.

“Not until you can fit through here.” Emily tapped at a cardboard cutout she had on the floor. They were in the study, away from the others. “Once you can fit through there, the collar comes off.”

Kisa growled, but crawled toward the opening. She turned her head sideways and found that it was still a tight fit. Determined to make it through, she pressed forward until the cardboard split around her shoulders.

“Damn.” Emily shook her head. “Guess we’ll try again tomorrow.”

“No, please.” Kisa grabbed for Emily’s hand. “Please, I ... I’m having trouble remembering things. I’m forgetting who I was.”

For a moment, the Caretaker’s features softened, but the moment didn’t last.

“We’ll try again tomorrow,” she declared.

In the kitchen, Kisa moved out to the dining room. Other memories were coming back, memories full of blank spots that made no sense. She could see herself sitting at a table with Emily and Tink, but the other seats were blurry. There was an argument on the stairs about being unable to go into town and shop for new clothes. Another one about helping Emily hunt down some rats.

None of it made sense! She paused as Death emerged from the office, then ducked away to avoid the specter. She peered around the corner to see Mike sitting at the desk with some books in front of him.

He looked up, his eyes immediately meeting hers.

“Oh. Hey, Kisa.”

“Hey, Kisa.” The old man was lying on the floor of the kitchen, his hand pressed to his chest. His breath was coming in gasps, and he reached up to touch her face. “You ... I...”

“Shh. The ambulance is on its way.” She cradled his hand against her face.

“Death ... answers before ... asked...” His eyes slid down her face and onto the collar around her neck. It had only been a few days, but her leg was already out of the cast, the transformation of her body already begun. “I need ... to take ... that off...”

“No.” She put her hand to her throat. “You can take it off later. It’s helping, I barely have a limp now.”

“No, Kisa, you don’t...” He looked past her shoulder at someone she couldn’t see. “Oh. Okay then.” A sigh escaped his lips and then he was gone.

“No! Please, you can’t leave me!” She held his head tightly against her chest and screamed.

Kisa bolted past the study and headed straight for the backdoor, anxious to get outside of the house. Random memories bounced around in her head in no particular order, memories of the house. There was no longer enough air for her to breathe, and it wasn’t until she shoved her way into the garden and stood beneath the open sky that she felt like she could finally inhale fully.

The nymph was out there, floating on her back beneath a small swarm of birds. She reminded Kisa of a Disney princess and wondered if Naia ever burst into song.

Naia.

Kisa stormed up to the edge of the fountain and slammed her paws on the rim.

“How come you don’t know me?” she demanded. “I have memories of this place. Memories of Emily. Yet none of you seem to know who I am, and that doesn’t make sense!”

Naia lifted her head, water running in streams down her hair. “That’s a very good question,” she admitted, then sat up. The birds above her flew away and vanished in the bushes of the garden. “I’ve asked myself that same thing more than once.”

“You’re all in on it, aren’t you?” Kisa hopped into the fountain and scowled. The water was freezing. “It’s some kind of sick joke between you guys, isn’t it?”

The nymph shook her head. “No, it really isn’t.”

“Well I think you’re lying, and that’s good enough for—” she grabbed for Naia and her hands moved through the nymph, her body now made of water.

“Stop,” Naia said calmly, placing her hands on Kisa’s wrists. “Your anger is misplaced.”

Kisa pulled away and swung, but Naia let the hit connect, spraying water everywhere. She swung again and again, her rage and frustration building as she shrieked at the nymph.

“Why doesn’t anybody know who I am?” she yelled, then fell to her knees. The water parted beneath her, and she dug her nails into the cool stone of the fountain, hoping the marble would crack beneath her fingers.

Naia slid her arms around Kisa and held her tight, stroking her hair. While she did this, the back door opened and Yuki came out, covered in fresh paint.

“I saw what happened,” she explained, then pointed at one of the windows up above. “From my room. And I heard what you said.”

Kisa sighed in exasperation as the kitsune sat on the edge of the fountain. “Okay, fine, you busted me. I tried to start a fight, but clearly everyone here can kick my ass, so—”

“How old are you?” Yuki asked, then brushed a strand of hair away from her face. “‘Cause you’re acting like a toddler.”

Kisa drew back and hissed.

“The same thing happened to me,” Yuki told her. “While your memories are gone, mine aren’t. I spent years with everybody here, and I have so many memories with all of them, but theirs were taken away. I know what you’re going through—for the most part, anyway. It sucks. But it wasn’t their fault, or mine for that matter. I almost made a terrible decision because I didn’t know who to blame for it.”

Kisa thought back to what Tink had said. “Did you actually try to kill Mike?”

“Yep. Within a few seconds of meeting him, actually.” Yuki waved her hands over the water and a figurine made of ice appeared, which she picked up. It looked similar to Yuki, but this one had an eyepatch on and her face was a mask of rage. “I failed, obviously. I even trapped the guy in another dimension and turned everyone here to stone.”

“Wait, what? Stone?”

“It’s true,” Naia added. “Even me.”

She thought again of her fight with Tink, then looked at Naia and Yuki. She had spoken more with them just now than she had since she arrived. Why was that? Was she naturally aloof, or was there more to it?

“I turned everyone to stone and then got into a huge fight with a bunch of nasty witches on the front lawn. Almost died, actually. These were all things I did because I was broken and angry.”

“So, what, is there a moral to the story? Stop being such a bitch?” She couldn’t help it, the words just slid out of her mouth.

Yuki dropped her figurine in the water and summoned another. This time, it was Kisa, her hackles raised and her face frozen mid-scream. “Nobody is asking that. I mean, yeah, would be nice if you’d calm down a bit. The point I’m trying to make is that the choices we make, no matter what our mood, can permanently affect our lives. And right now, being angry with everyone won’t help you find the answers you seek. This isn’t just a safe place to stay. It’s a home, and the people here are family. We may not be best friends, but we sincerely want to help each other.”

This time, Kisa managed to hold her thoughts in. The kitsune was right. Being mad at everyone wasn’t going to help her. Still, the idea that her memories had been messed with was sorely upsetting. “So how am I supposed to act? I don’t remember anything about myself, other than I used to dance.”

“I can see why knowing who you were is a foundation for who you are today.” Yuki waved her hand over the figurine in her hand. It was still Kisa, but now she was curled up in the window of the house, a smile on her face. She held it out. “However, we often forget that today’s choices don’t have to be about yesterday. We can move forward as the person we are, the person who makes us happy.”

Kisa regarded the figurine, then took it. Obviously the kitsune had spotted her sleeping in the window. “I’m not even sure this is who I really am.”

“Then maybe it’s something we can all figure out together.” Yuki passed her hand over the surface of the water, and ice sculptures of everybody appeared, one at a time. “It doesn’t have to start with everybody, not all at once. But I think you should at least try.”

Kisa wiped her eyes, then set her figurine down and watched it bob in the water along with the rest. She spotted one in particular and picked it up. It was Tink, holding a hammer.

“Second chances...” she muttered, then dropped it into the fountain to watch it melt.

The back door slammed open and Mike came running out, his face lit up in excitement. Death followed close behind, one hand held protectively over his tea to keep it from spilling.

“Hey,” he said to everyone with a wave as he shot past, then ran down into the backyard. Yuki pulled herself out of the fountain and made her way down into the garden.

Kisa got out of the fountain and shook herself off before following.

Mike, Death and Yuki now stood by the back gate, the Caretaker holding the padlock in one hand.

“This is it,” he told Yuki, “the gate we need to the Underworld!”

“I’m not so sure,” she told him, eying the gate with suspicion.

Death put a hand on the gate and leaned against it casually. “I am no fabricator of untruths, Lady Yuki. On the other side of this gate lies the spirit realm.”

“So then all we have to do is get this open, right?” Mike shook the padlock, but Kisa was no longer paying attention. Her eyes slid up the length of the gate to the top where there was a small gap between the bars and the archway was. The world went silent, and now she was standing before the gate, Emily at her side.

“Get back in there,” Emily commanded, pointing up at the gap. One of her eyes had gone black, and an eerie mist surrounded her body. The last couple of days had been like this, and the others were unable to see it. “I won’t tell you again.”

“I was attacked,” Kisa explained. “Not by the shadows, but something else. You said that they wouldn’t notice me!”

“Nobody is supposed to notice you. That’s the whole point of using the collar to turn you. If I wasn’t paying so much attention, even I would barely notice you.” Emily took Kisa by the chin and examined her face. “Hmm. You aren’t lying. Tell me, what was it? What attacked you?”

“I never saw it,” she replied, then yanked her face away. “I heard it growling and then it chased me. I never found his castle, and I was lucky to make it back here alive.”

“Fuck!” Emily put her face in her hand and the mist coalesced around her like a cloak. “I’m running out of time, Kisa, and I need you to get it back!”

“I can’t do it, Emily! I was lucky to get away! That thing was huge!” The moment the words left her mouth, the collar had appeared in Emily’s hand once more. “No, I’m not letting you put that back on me. I can barely remember my own name anymore. I feel like there’s an actual cat growing inside of me, and she’s taking over. I thought I owed you for getting the collar off of me in the first place, but now I see that I’m just a tool for you and your weird games. I’ve heard the rumors from the others, and I would rather leave and take my chances with the rest of the world than stay here and have you turn me any farther!”

Emily tilted her head, appraising Kisa. It was impossible to tell if she was angry or not, but the blonde turned her attention back to the gate and crossed her arms.

“Go to your room and pack,” she said, the collar dangling from her hands. “Have Tink help you. I’ll come to see you off.”

Kisa said nothing, her eyes filling with tears as she turned away.

She was back in the present, viewing the gate through tear-laden eyes.

Yuki was now inspecting the lock and Death was sitting on a nearby rock, enjoying his tea in silence.

“I’ll see if we can use a hacksaw on it,” Mike announced.

“It won’t work.” When Kisa spoke, they all turned to look at her as if noticing her for the first time. “A hacksaw on the padlock. Nor will acid, an axe, whatever you have.”

“Kisa.” Mike crossed his arms and tilted his head in the exact same spot Emily had stood those many years before. “How do you know?”

“The gate, it goes somewhere. It’s something I remembered, just now while standing here. You can’t break the lock, nothing will. Emily couldn’t get it to break, either.”

“Did she have a key?”

Kisa took a deep breath and shook her head. “She used to. I never got the full story about it, but I vaguely remember something about getting tricked and the key getting busted.”

“Well, damn.” He looked at the gate and then back to Kisa. “You seem to know a lot about the gate.”

“She wanted me to go through it. I can fit through the gap at the top.” She swallowed the lump that had appeared in her throat. “Why do you want to go in there?”

“Death told me it’s a gate to the Underworld. I can use it to return to the faerie realm to rescue Cecilia. Why did Emily want you to go in there?”

Her heart was pounding now. “She wanted me to steal something from someone on the other side. Something she gave away and desperately wanted back.”

Yuki knelt next to Kisa so that they were eye level. “What did she want?”

“I ... don’t remember that part yet, it was something ... small. In a container.” Kisa pressed her hands against the bars and felt a cold rush of air blast her from the other side of the gate. “There’s a guy who lives on the other side, a shadow man. I’ve seen him before, but don’t remember where. She wanted me to get something back from him, but she couldn’t go herself because of the gate.” Hot tears ran down her face and she brushed them away. “She kept making me wear the collar. Every day I wore it, I became more cat and less human, but I also became smaller, harder to notice. She used to have me go out into the neighborhood and practice stealing, because we discovered that people don’t notice me, not even if I’m right in front of them. I would sometimes walk into people’s homes while they were eating dinner, and rummage through their cabinets. It’s part of the magic that changed me.”

Yuki put a hand on Kisa’s shoulder and squeezed.

“You’re ... not going to make me go through there, are you?” It was a question she was afraid to ask, but it needed to be said out loud. She needed to know what the answer was, because her future depended on it.

“Hmm?” Mike looked at the gap above the gate and then back at Kisa. “You fit through there? Seriously?”

Kisa nodded. “Barely, but I can.”

“Huh.” He turned to look at the gate, and then back at her. He thought for a good minute before shrugging. “Unless there’s a way for you to open it from the other side or something, I don’t see why I would. I’m the one who has to go after Cecilia after all, so sending you in doesn’t help me. But,” he knelt next to her as well. “Can you tell me what you saw in there?”

She shook her head. “I never saw it, but there’s something in there, something big. It wasn’t supposed to be able to see me, but it can, and I barely got out in time.”

“Okay, then. Death, any clues?”

“Mike Radley, I’m afraid my knowledge of the afterlife stops at a gate much like this one. I am blissfully unaware of what lies beyond the veil.” He sipped his tea. “However, I know that a gateway such as this will allow your body to cross over with you. Such a thing is extremely rare, and I haven’t decided if I am surprised that you have access to such a thing.”

“Kisa.” Mike was looking at her now, and there was nothing but kindness in his eyes. “If you remember anything else, please let me know. Thank you for telling me about the gate. Even knowing something is waiting on the other side is very helpful, even if it’s unsettling.”