Chapter 68: Answering Some Lingering Questions

May 1, 1981

Another first; a minor one, but a first. Despite spending two years very close to the Drama classroom, and sometimes hanging around with the drama kids at tournaments, I’d never attended a performance of theirs the first go-round. Steffie Smith (well, Ms. Smith, I didn’t know her well enough to call her Steffie) was pushing ticket sales and got Meg to offer them to us. Angie and I decided we wanted to go. I invited Nancy, Angie invited Gene. Then we talked most of the group into it as well. Then Mom and Dad decided they wanted to go too, though they were going to sit apart from us since the group was going. Several other parents joined in. Why not?

So, we all dressed up a little — not too much, not a date, not exactly! — and met our not-dates, their parents, and in many cases their siblings - at the theater at the school. We had quite a group by this point!

The big show this year was ‘Oklahoma!’. As with many things, I was in a bind here; I knew the music and story from having seen it — years in the future. At least I could claim to have watched a TV broadcast if pressed. I’d caught Mom and Dad by surprise; they didn’t know that I even liked musicals. That, at least, came honestly — in my first go-round I’d enjoyed musicals by fourteen. They just hadn’t known it, not until later.

The Drama department did a great job, I thought. I’m not much of an arts critic, though. I like what I like, and I’m forgiving of minor mistakes. Sometimes I even see them as a virtue, if the character has flaws, too. I also dislike what I dislike; there are some shows other people love that I just can’t sit through, or do my best to ignore if I have to sit through them.

Nancy and I held hands. I was glad we got to have another regular ‘date’ and just be boyfriend and girlfriend, going out and doing something fun together. Even if I’d hated the show, it would’ve been worth sitting through most anything Nancy enjoyed just to be together.

May 2, 1981

Angie went off to see Dr. Stanton for their solo session. She told me Mom talked to Dr. Stanton. I guessed our vacation was part of that.

Whatever was said, Angie thought Mom was happy, after. She seemed happy to me.

Dad let us know that all the major arrangements — train tickets, hotel reservations, etc — were in place.

May 3, 1981

Per the calendar, we were heading into the toughest stretch of the school year. Minor exams this week, instead of next, because finals were in two weeks.

So, mostly, we goofed off. No one was feeling desperate about classes, and it was nice weather. We congregated in and around the pool, played a very sloppy version of water polo, chased each other around, lounged, and just had a good time.

In its way, it was very close to the party I first remembered at Mike’s. The big difference was that, instead of a loose collection of junior high guys, this was a tight-knit group of friends who’d been through things together. Many of whom were couples (or the one triple).

There’d been no future for the old sort of get-together, but our group? These friendships would last. Years at least, in many cases much longer.

Late in the group, I pulled everyone together.

“OK, y’all. I have something serious. This is confidential. And for the new folks — Gene, Cal, Cammie — this concerns someone you might not know, but if you do, not like we do.”

Everyone nodded their heads.

“I spoke to Candice a bit ago. You probably know or guessed that we’re in touch.”

A few looked surprised. Others nodded.

“I know we left things really vague. I’m sorry. Until now, there’s been no good reason to share. I thought a time would come, and this is it. And I think she can get notes or letters from you, now. Just now.”

Faces looked more curious. Mixed with nervous.

Mike spoke up. “Look, I think we all can guess that, whatever it was, it was really serious.”

I nodded. “Really serious, yes. I can’t think of a way to ease into this. On January 2^nd, Candice tried to kill herself. She came just a few minutes away from succeeding.”

There were several gasps. And more than a few nods. Mike was one of those nodding.

Connie burst out, “She what? I can’t believe it! Why?!”

“Look, I’m allowed to share the whole thing, but I’m still going to be discreet. Someone — not anyone here, nor even anyone in town — abused her. Over a long period of time. Most of it was mental, destroying her self-image. She got to where she felt unlovable and like she was ... tainting ... everyone around her.”

Mel looked daggers, which got Cammie looking daggers, too. And I wouldn’t have wanted to face Andy or Cal.

“The abuser was threatening her sister and others. Candice’s plan was to use her death to bring him down. She felt like she was already too damaged.”

“What happened?” Sarah asked. “I mean...”

“Her plan was foolproof. The only thing that could have stopped it was Candice, and she did. I don’t think we’ll ever know how much of it was a subconscious desire to live. After she’d taken what she took, she called Angie and me. I got Dad to drive us over, Mom to call 911, and Angie kept her talking as long as possible. The paramedics said she had maybe five minutes left, if that.”

More gasps. Several people were looking pale.

“She’s been undergoing counseling and treatment for the past few months. Physically, she was fine in days. Mentally? The most recent call was the first where I really felt like she wasn’t a big risk to have a bad day and try again.”

“My God!” Mel said. “I just can’t believe it. She was so ... so ... happy, alive!”

“It wasn’t all an act or anything. Just ... she had this weight in her dragging her down. Something made it worse over Thanksgiving...” Several people nodded, particularly Mike and Sarah. “ ... and she just couldn’t face the holidays away from her support network. Which was all of us, not just me, or me and Angie.”

“What’s going to happen?” Sarah asked.

“Counseling through the summer, under lighter and lighter restrictions. If all continues to go well, school in the fall. Obviously not Memorial.”

Mel nodded. “Of course. If anyone who wasn’t a close friend heard that, it’d be bad. People would tease her. And if it wasn’t explained, they’d think it was something else.”

“Nine months,” I said with a little shrug.

Sarah smiled. “None of us ever thought that. You’d be with her every second if that was the case.”

“Well, yeah.”

“So, what can we do?” Mel asked.

“She can get cards and letters. They need to be upbeat and short. Right now, I wouldn’t mention any of this. It’d be fine to say that I told you what happened; she asked me to, after all. But I wouldn’t go into any of what happened, just that you know. I think she’ll try to get together with at least some of us later. Once she’s going to school, obviously she can be around people again.”

“But, no hope of ... you know?” Connie said.

“I can’t see how. I was clueless then, but now I can guess what must have been going on for her, sometimes. How could she face me, knowing that? I’m likely to stress her more than anyone else. If I can be around her in a group, I’ll be plenty happy with that.”

We talked a bit more, going through what of the situation I could share, and giving everyone a sheet with her contact information.

Nancy pulled me aside when I was done.

“I just ... I can’t even believe it. And now I’m kicking you to the curb, right after you picked yourself back up after that? I just...”

I pulled her into a hug. “You’re not kicking me to the curb, love. Fate is, and I’m pretty pissed off at it. But not at you. Never you. Not your dad either, or his job. It’s not his fault. It’s just fate being lousy.”

“But, if we hadn’t...”

“If we hadn’t, I’d have missed a chance to spend time with a wonderful person. I’d have missed a lot of things. I don’t regret any of it. We’ve done the right thing. And I’ll be OK. Not at first, but I will.”

She shook her head. “I can’t even imagine how you can do that. I’d be a blubbering wreck.”

“Nah. Seriously. You wouldn’t. You’re strong too, Nancy. You’ll make it through. And I think we both agree.”

“Mmm?”

“Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”

“Yeah. We agree.”

I gave her a quick kiss. “I don’t want to dwell on the lousy stuff. And definitely not on what happened with Candice. I made the decision to put my heart out there again. I just want to love you the best way I can until we can’t anymore.”