Chapter 61: Family Bonds

April 18, 1981

“Steve, come on back,” Dr. Stanton called. I went first because my official reason for being here was to help with Candice and Angie, so Angie’s session needed to be second. If Angie mentioned something that needed my input, she’d call me back, but it was more likely — in theory, anyway — that I’d say something early on that would be helpful.

My own needs were our little secret, as, of course, was Dr. Stanton’s curiosity. Of course, some of her curiosity and friendliness were also a way to get me to open up and share. But I was already happy sharing anything I could.

I got up, meeting Mom along the way and giving her a quick hug. Mom had asked to talk first, I assume about Angie’s spending the night with me. The feeling I got was that Dr. Stanton hadn’t given Mom what she wanted — a way to stop things without drama. Of course, there likely wasn’t one. But she might have been able to give Mom what she needed — reassurance that we were OK.

Once in my favorite chair, I turned my full attention to Dr. Stanton. She smiled.

“I’m sure you know why your mother wanted to talk to me.”

“Angie’s spending the night the other night.”

She nodded. “I’m going to be blunt. Did anything... ?”

“Purely platonic, Doctor Stanton. Not even a kiss except the sisterly kind.”

“That’s a relief. Unless it was something I had to share, I wouldn’t have, but I would have had concerns.” She tapped her pen a bit, then went on. “There are several issues here. What do you think about it?”

“I think Angie needs the sort of physical affection that Mom and Dad can’t provide, but I can. So could a very serious boyfriend, but at fourteen? That’s impossible.”

She nodded. “And you can provide it, rather than them, because... ?”

“I think she needs to be at her most vulnerable — asleep, helpless — and close to someone she trusts. Can you imagine her sleeping in bed with Mom and Dad at fourteen? Either or both? The same concerns would apply in spades, no matter how noble their intentions. Which they would be, unquestionably. But so are mine.”

“Yet you’ve said that you and she have considered...”

“Crossing the line, yes. But neither of us would do that just to, crudely, get off. And even less to take advantage of each other. If we do, it’ll be because it’s an outgrowth of how close we already are.”

“You think you’re both mature enough for that?”

I shrugged. “I’m quite biased, and fourteen-year-olds are lousy judges of their own maturity. That said, yes.”

Dr. Stanton laughed. Pretty hard. “I probably deserved that.” She tapped her pen. “One issue I have is that you both are dangerously smart. Not putting myself down, but I have to work to keep up. You’re able to match wits. You’re also smart enough to deceive yourself about nearly anything you decide to.”

“You’re right. We could, most likely. I’m sure we’re deceiving ourselves about some things; that’s human nature. But, there’d be no point talking to you if we’re just playing word games, not when it’s voluntary. I’m trying to avoid self-deception and deceptive answers.”

“I’m sure you’ll find this out in time, so I’ll tell you. Right now, I don’t see any advantage in pushing Angie apart from you, including the occasional sleep-over. She would fight it hard and I think you would fight it, too, if for no other reason than out of loyalty to her. That would change — would have to change — if there was any reasonable suspicion you were crossing the line.”

“Doctor Stanton, if we crossed the line ... well, if they knew it, I suppose ... it would hurt Mom and Dad a great deal. I think it’d tear the family apart. And I have enormous respect for Mom’s radar for that sort of thing going on in her house. Are we smart enough to get away with it? Maybe. Would it be worth it? No.”

“I note that you specifically said ‘in her house’,” Dr. Stanton said, adding a few more notes.

“What, we’re going to take a nap at Mike’s? I think some of our friends would be ... worried. Go out in the woods? Neither of us wants that. Wait until Mom and Dad are both out, get wild, then frantically clean? That’s within the radar, plus ... really? Something that’d be a big thing, if it happened, just done in a crazy rush so we can deny it ever happened?” I shook my head. “I don’t mean to make this about lack of opportunity being the only barrier. We’d have to do a lot of thinking before that even comes into it. But if we’d decided to, it makes a last line of defense.”

“Thinking? No wild passion overwhelming you?”

“If wild passion was going to do it, you’d be seeing us for an entirely different reason.”

She rolled her eyes, then chuckled.

“I think we’ve exhausted that. Take care of her, just be careful that you’re not a band-aid over a wound that some snuggling can’t heal.”

“I know I’m a band-aid. The wound is how Sharon treated her. And, who knows, maybe Frank? I mean, I think Frank treated her wonderfully — no reason to doubt that — but was he warm and full of hugs and someone she could snuggle up to and feel safe? I don’t know. I know that being physical in that way is a brand new experience for me and probably doing me good.”

More notes. In a couple of folders. “Tell me about that.”

“Mom and Dad say I was a very standoffish baby. I know that sounds silly. But I’m told that, even at one month old, I hated being held. Didn’t enjoy being rocked in their arms. Wouldn’t snuggle. Cried until I went in my crib. We were never big on hugging as a family, not until recently. I think I’ve had more hugs inside the family in the last nine months than in the previous fourteen years. Adding Angie changed everything for all of us, it feels like.”

“Since you were a month old? What happened?” I chuckled. After a second, she did, too. “OK, that’s a silly question, isn’t it?”

“Not really. It just sounds funny to ask someone about their life at a month old. I know some things that are relevant, I think. Mom and Dad adopted me at one month old, which was unusual for a newborn in 1966. Usually adoption would either have been immediate or after a much longer wait. The problem was, I had a minor birth defect. One of my feet went sideways. I needed braces as an infant and special insoles as a small child. Because I needed special care, several adoptive parents passed on me. They think that the nurses in the orphanage just left me in my crib alone. They weren’t used to handling the infants; most were only there a day or two, after all. Or maybe it’s because I was ‘defective’ and they didn’t like that. Who knows? But the guess is that having no contact for the first month turned me off to it. And there’s no proof that I didn’t, just that Mom and Dad are clear that I hated being held.”

“That is fascinating.” She was writing quickly. “Angie told me in another interview that she found you somewhat distant when she first arrived, but that things transformed soon after.”

“She’s right. I can’t tell you why. Having another kid my age as an unavoidable part of my life is part of it. That the other kid was an outgoing girl, even more so. Then, hitting my head, maybe; it forced me to interact in different ways. Finally, Angie helping me out of my shell at school.”

That and being reborn with a life full of experiences; that’s key information that I couldn’t share, unfortunately. Dr. Stanton could probably do even more good if she knew that.

“Are you that different?”

“I had a lot of friends before Angie, but right now, I’d call them friendly acquaintances. Nothing deep, and something I could turn off when I went home. I was far more introverted at home. I still read, and use the computer that I got for Christmas, but mostly the door’s open and, if Ang is home, she’s often in there with me, reading, doing homework, poking at the computer, practicing on her piano, whatever. In junior high, I did every bit of homework and reading by myself. Now, I’m in study group twice a week. My extracurricular choices have gone from an individual pursuit to a team-oriented and social activity.”

“I suppose that’s a ‘yes’.” She took some more notes. “Let’s switch subjects again. You have a girlfriend now? Angie mentioned something about that at our last session.”

I nodded. “As of the Sadie Hawkins dance. April 3. Apparently, she’s been interested for months, but I’ve been unavailable. Or clueless. Or both. Of course, you know the biggest reason I was unavailable.”

“And how is that going?”

“Very good. And of course, there’s a tiny part of me looking to see if she has hidden issues. I know that’s rare, but now that it’s happened, I’m looking. Which means I have to be careful about jumping at shadows.”

“Rare, and not rare. Abuse of the sort that happened to Candice is mercifully rare. But it’s also a rare girl who, by fourteen or fifteen, hasn’t had someone pressure her beyond her comfort level at least occasionally. That’s normal, to a point, but it can start stress building.”

I nodded. “A reason that I’m careful to not push.”

She laughed. “Normally, if a boy said he was sexually active and then said he hadn’t pushed, I’d roll my eyes, inside at least. But, if anything, you might be a bit too passive that way, from what I understand. I believe you care quite a bit whether things happen, but would go out of your way to keep things from happening unless you believed it was all her choice.”