Chapter 6

“You know, I really was a bad wife, babe, but now ... now I feel that I am so much better with Ronnie than I ever was with you. Anyway, I was ... if we’re all ... omnisexual, this could shake up a lot of things ... and give us all some options for the future. Perhaps we should make some kind of pairing pact, if you will, where each of us will be formally wed to someone, they might or might not even be our main someone ... just for legal purposes, visiting rights, that kind of thing. Just an idea. But I think that you should handpick the brides and grooms for anyone not already hitched, if you’re cool with such an idea,” Christy proposed to all of us, but now especially me.

“Why me, though, and not Jack? He thought of this,” I observed.

“Yes, but I kinda like the idea myself. You’re the one man who somehow binds us all together somehow. Our connections, they’re all through you, buddy. I second Christy’s motion myself. How about it, guys? Are you open to having Konrad select your legal spouses? As stated, they don’t have to be your main partner, just your official one for tax purposes. How about it? Didn’t you become a legal ordained minister, anyway? Online, I mean? You could even officiate,” Jack suggested now.

“Okay, then, here it goes. Obviously, some marriages already exist and won’t be affected at all. That’s Brett and Sammie Davies, Christy and Ronnie Andrews, Todd and Natasha Royce, Nikos and Melissa Caramanlis. I’ll also marry Stewart Goldfarb to Joey Mazzola, of course. They’ll take the Goldfarb name, since Stewart strikes me as more the bossy type than Joey. Certainly older and more established, at any rate. That’s five couples or ten people out of ... twenty-two, of course. Six men and four women already attached now.

“Now, I can’t wed Cameron and Shelby Waterman to each other, sadly, since they’re brother and sister. It wouldn’t just be invalid. It would be illegal. Criminal sanctions would be a distinct possibility. What I’ll do instead is unite Shelby with Vicky and have the latter take the former’s surname, so that the baby is born as Paris Waterman, just as planned. Cameron and Tristan will also wed, with Cameron taking Tristan’s name, Foucault, just because it’s only fair. That’s now seven couples or fourteen people. Eight men and six women.

“We had twenty-two people tonight just before we bonded in consecrating the amulet and binding ourselves to each other in a protective spell or whatever. Take fourteen from twenty-two and you have eight, of course. Naturally, the next couple is Katie and me, who are engaged and will marry as planned. That’s eight couples or sixteen people, leaving just six. That’s nine men and seven women.

“As for Jack, I assign you the hand of Amber Henriksen in marriage. We both know that she’s someone more attached to me than to you, even though she likes you a lot. We also know that you’re really still in more of a V with Brett and Sammie. Definitely an open V now, if it wasn’t one before. She’ll take your surname and become Amber Berkowitz, though whether or not she converts to Judaism is up to her. Okay, that’s nine couples and eighteen people, leaving four now. Ten men and eight women.

“Wayne and Stacey are another obvious case, of course, so much so that it’s embarrassing that I haven’t mentioned them yet. They will marry as soon as we can protect them from the power of the UCMJ, the Uniform Code of Military Justice. We won’t risk Wayne’s freedom with a possible court-martial. The moment that he’s totally free of military jurisdiction, however, they can become man and wife. That’s ten couples or twenty people. Eleven men and nine women. And then there were two.