Chapter 29

!! TRIGGER WARNING!!

This chapter discusses a character having a severe depressive episode. PLEASE be sure you are in a safe place mentally and emotionally before reading.

It was a Friday evening, and I was returning home from a two-mile walk around the neighborhood that included a stop at Starbucks for some coffee. I still had about half of it left.

The fitness center was located on the top floor of our 15-story apartment building. It faced out toward the roof of the building and was accessible through a sliding-glass door. It was mostly used by maintenance to take care of the rooftop-mounted air-conditioning units, but it was often used as sort of a courtyard area, a place to sit and talk, a place to watch fireworks on the Fourth of July, and even, in a couple of more notorious cases, as a checkmark on someone’s sexual bucket list.

I hadn’t been up there in a while, and it seemed a nice night. I decided to take my coffee up there, relax after two miles, and enjoy the fresh air while finishing it.

Entering the fitness center, I noticed that the sliding door leading out to the rooftop was open. Looking beyond that, I saw a silhouette against the far end, and I stepped quietly so as not to disturb them.

Moving closer, though, I recognized the silhouette. The moonlight reflected off the wavy mop of dirty-blonde hair that I would know anywhere by then. Lisa was standing near the edge, leaning on a railing, and I could hear her weeping as she looked past the edge at some indeterminate point in space.

I pondered my options, unsure how to proceed. If she needed time to herself, I wasn’t going to impose on it, but if she needed someone at that moment, I didn’t want to abandon her, either.

I decided to make a small joke for a light approach: “If you’re gonna jump, can I move my car out of the way first?”

She gasped and spun toward me. I noted the slightest amount of relaxation when she realized it was just me, but she remained somewhat wild-eyed and borderline hyperventilating, arms crossed in front of her, using her arms partly as armor, and partly to hug herself.

Still, she didn’t ask me to leave. She didn’t turn away.

I put the coffee off to the side and took a step toward her.

Her arms slackened a bit, dropping a little closer to her sides, but still crossed low in front of her.

I took another step toward her.

Her back arched ... but she still didn’t turn away or otherwise object to my presence.

After two more steps, she began looking around wildly, giving me a clearer look at her face in the moonlight. Something about the look on her face brought Ephesians 6:12 to mind: “Our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but ... against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil.”

In a flash, two thoughts occurred to me: one, she seemed to be struggling with something in her mind and heart, something she seemed to find terrifying.

Two ... Chris was right; I wasn’t it.

Trailing shortly behind those thoughts came another: the thought I often usied to silence those powers Paul spoke to the Ephesians about, invoked when they sought to discourage me as I walked to any given start line: “Don’t pay no mind to the demons, they fill you with fear.”

The penetrating look Lisa suddenly gave me made me realize I had said those words out loud.

Her eyes stayed locked on me ... until I took a couple of more steps forward. Then she looked to her right ... at the edge of the rooftop, fifteen stories up.

I stopped, standing perfectly still and quiet ... although my mind and heart were neither still nor quiet. I flashed back to a sermon I heard at my former church in Colorado, that prayer is supposed to work like a two-way radio between the men on the battlefield and the field general, asking for reinforcements in the heat of battle ... and that too many of us instead think of it as more like a hotel intercom, used to ask the maid to bring another mint for the pillow.

I was decidedly in the former camp at that moment, screaming for all the angels to come bridge the distance between us at the moment, and to fight for Lisa her against whatever minions of hell had her even looking toward the edge of the rooftop at this moment. I didn’t know for sure what she saw over there, but I had a terrible suspicion about it. About what thoughts of hers I might have intruded upon.

No words came to me, though, so I simply remained silent and motionless.

Sslowly, ever so slowly, Lisa’s head turned back toward me, her eyes again meeting mine.

In my peripheral vision, I saw that we were only a few paces apart.

Don’t pay no mind to the demons, they fill you with fear ... just know you’re not alone...

I stepped forward, slowly and hesitantly.

Lisa started looking around again, but didn’t move.

Look at me, my mind pleaded. Keep your eyes away from the roof’s edge.

Seemingly in response, her eyes returned to focus on mine.

Another step.

Another.

As I took one final, large step, I reached my hand out and grasped hers. As I did, her body visibly relaxed and she released several loud gasps.

I took a couple of deep breaths of my own. I didn’t know what had been going through her mind for the past several minutes. I realized I may never know ... and with that thought came a sobering realization: that I may never want to know.