Chapter 6

Some time later...

“So, let me get this straight here. Jonah Ryan, the current Vice President of the United States, has not only been having relations with his estranged, soon-to-be-ex-wife, who also happens to be his stepsister ... but he has been intimate with the former President, Laura Montez, who has also been intimate with Candi Caruso, along with Alejandro Montez, Shawnee Tanz, the daughter of Sherman Tanz, who is also his fiancee, plus me. Candi Caruso has been intimate with Gary Welsh, her fiance, plus President Marwood.

“Also, Beth Ryan, wife of Vice President Jonah Ryan, has been intimate with Governor Richard Splett of Iowa. Also, former President Selina Meyer has been intimate with her scandal-prone ex-husband, Andrew Meyer ... and has been intimate with Senator Tom James and with Charlie Baird. Also, you and I have been intimate, and that you’ve been intimate with Amy Brookheimer, with Brie, and with former President Selina Meyer. And with Shawnee Tanz.

“You have been plotting against Selina Meyer, Vice-President Ryan has been plotting to put Richard Splett in the White House, as well as being involved with the Tanz family and their schemes. Richard Splett is the sperm donor for Catherine Meyer and her wife, Marjorie. Beth Ryan is now pregnant by Governor Splett. Candi Caruso is now pregnant, possibly by either President Marwood or former First Gentleman Alejandro Montez. Maybe her fiance, Gary Welsh, but probably not.

“It sounds as if there are many plots at once. Evidently, Selina Meyer has been conniving like crazy to get the nomination again. Jonah Ryan was chosen originally as a placeholder to secure her the Presidency in the House of Representatives, and he was chosen by Jeff Kane. So, also, Roger Furlong has been plotting to rise as well, no surprises there, and he isn’t actually as pious as he claims to be. He’s apparently a hypocrite, right? Did I miss anything?” Jane McCabe asked Dan Egan in a rather candid interview on her current morning show.

“Well, yes, that’s all true. I’m sure that I could produce more scandals, but this is what I can confirm and remember for now. It has been one crazy plot after another. Well, there is also the little fling that Amy Brookheimer had with Buddy Calhoun, but ultimately, yeah, it’s almost a kind of hotbed of debauchery. I don’t mind, I don’t judge that, but don’t judge me, either, for the same thing ... and don’t be all preachy and pretend that your closet is empty of skeletons. Which is the theme of my tell-all book, The Skeletons In Our Closets. That’s the whole point of this business,” Dan Egan asserted, even as Jane McCabe seemed shockingly cool with his brutal candor about Beltway life.

“Is it true that Jeffrey Kane dumped Jonah Ryan for his cousin Ezra after just one term after the shutdown incident, that Shawnee Tanz broke off her engagement to Vice President Ryan soon after that, that Sherman Tanz backed off his support shortly before that, that Teddy Sykes harassed the Vice President when he was in Congress, and that Vice President Ryan had a bris done and was about to convert to Judaism when Shawnee called it off?” Jane persisted, seeing some real red meat in the bizarre rise, fall, and resurgence of the incumbent Veep.

“All true. I was involved in the Ryan campaign. He damn near lost, of course, to his former schoolteacher, the previous Congressman’s widow, but then she made an anti-gun remark in response to his accidental self-shooting and the NRA targeted her with a very harsh ad. He also made a weird comment about ‘I’m not gonna rape the President’ when meeting with President Montez. The whole mess around that guy, he’s a walking Peter Principle, a real, living, breathing Murphy’s Law. He leaves a lot of carnage.

“For instance, the Governor of Iowa and his own stepfather, who is also his father-in-law, died because he wouldn’t get vaccinated and contracted shingles. Oh, and Beth Ryan is actually the biological half-sister of Vice President Ryan, not just his stepsister, which means that their marriage was incestuous and invalid,” Dan related more information with considerable delight.

“You mean that Lloyd Hennick was actually Jonah Ryan’s biological father, not his stepfather, and not truly his father-in-law, due to the marriage being null and void,” Jane McCabe reacted in a way that made it clear that she hadn’t read Egan’s book, but this added to the potency of the interview.

“Precisely. Lloyd Hennick is ... was the father of both Jonah Ryan and Beth Ryan, or Hennick, if you prefer, since their marriage is invalid. They should probably get that annulled, especially since Governor Richard Splett of Iowa impregnated Beth during a hot and heavy love affair,” Dan grinned as he further dug some political graves and got his bitter revenge against those who constantly fired and blamed him.

“Is it true that you impregnated Amy Brookheimer and she had an abortion?” Jane pursued that line of questioning now.

“Yes, also true. I was the father of her unborn child, which she terminated,” Dan took particular pleasure in getting that little dig into Amy.

“I see. Well, you have certainly screwed a lot of people, Dan,” Jane laughed at her own double entendre there.

Election Day...

“Welcome back to Election Night Coverage with Jane McCabe and Mike McClintock. We have just received a significant update. The results are finally in for Colorado, the decisive state in this election. With a nail-biter of a three-way election between Senator Kemi Talbot, incumbent President Jim Marwood, and former Vice President Andrew Doyle, we can now call Colorado for Senator Talbot. Senator Kemi Talbot will thus become the first black President and the first black woman President as well,” Jane McCabe announced.