Chapter 3: Backstory

I need some critical history about Erin before I go on. In high school (two classes), nursing school (three classes), and at her first job (at the lunch table) my wife was exposed to some feminist views that were stronger than the mainstream. All preached the same militant tune: “my body, my choice!”

Each of the classes spent at least a month looking at fairy tales, traditional stories, literature and popular current authors to find the “subtle chauvinist themes.” The first example they all jumped on as “especially insidious” was the strong “white knight” who rescued the weak “helpless maiden” and was, by implication, awarded her maidenhead and her submissive servitude as wife/drudge/sexual receptacle for the rest of her “oh so happy” life.

As a parallel point, these people preached that most men, even the good ones, were naturally aggressive “knights” who were geared up for conflict. They causing many problems on both a large and small scale. Women as a group had to actively “turn from” aggression to make the world and the home a better place. They did recognize exceptions, they always mentioned defending a child in danger as a justified reason for aggression - assuming righteous language and moral examples were not sufficient. Man and women had to defend children.

Erin’s supervisor at her first job, who had graduated with a degree in Woman’s Studies, was particularly keen on connecting the “white knight” theme with fidelity in marriage. (“Knights always carry a lance at the ready, what do you think that stands for?”)

The upshot was that we had some non-traditional vows. One very specific vow I took in private, before Erin plus her like-minded bridal attendants and friends, was to NEVER insult my wife’s “glorious independent womanhood” by acting like a “white knight” on my own initiative. That meant I could never interfere physically in any way unless I saw that Erin was “physically resisting and was being overcome” or she summoned me. As I said, this was a specific vow between us, and with Erin it is best to err toward caution.

Now, many guys would say, during what is coming next, that I should have blown off that vow and resorted to threats and violence. But those same people would be the ones to condemn a woman for breaking her vows, especially conventional vows like fidelity. Damn all hypocrites!

As for fidelity, Erin and I made a deliberate consensual choice NOT to vow fidelity, even though we both intended to live that way. She said, “You are a man, I can well imagine where you might stray if there was a good reason. A dying friend in need of comfort perhaps? Or a relative’s wife who needs a sperm donor? You would make a good baby I am sure, and one could argue that you even have an obligation to pass along your excellent genes since I can’t.”

I appreciated that vows are more important than intentions or personal wants, thus I was very serious about keeping my vows no matter how I was tested.

Some of Erin’s friends opposed “symbols of ownership” like wedding rings; certainly we could give and accept such things, but wearing them was optional, because they were always “free with our bodies.” Erin stopped wearing her rings after her 30th birthday, except for family occasions; the diamond and mounting she picked out was great at shredding nice coats, favorite sweaters and other garments. I never took my ring off - I never saw a reason to.

I will admit that I got something out of this: my wife never opposed what I looked at or read in books or on the computer. Or what I did while reading. As long as I tidied up when I was done she was okay.

There is one related point. Early in her life, long before these well-meaning friends were involved, Erin spent 1st through 6th grade in a Sunday School teaching a pacifist slant of Quaker philosophy. From a very young age she was programmed against violence in all acts. The teachings stuck.

They taught her that one should not fight even to save the life of a loved one. However, as an adult Erin’s rejected this most extreme view. For example, fighting to save a stranger’s child from injury was okay. But for herself, daily life was more about “turning the other cheek.” For example, given a choice between cutting off an asshole driver who ignored her lane-change signal for an exit, or driving an extra mile and using the next exit, Erin would drive the extra mile.

I had not reached Erin’s level of peace with the universe.