“Try it again.”

My dad rubbed his neck, most likely from the whip lash of lurching in the stick shift car. At sixteen I got my license as soon as I could and was proud to showcase my new card. But at seventeen, I realized I hadn’t learned how to operate a manual. My dad had driven an automatic when he first learned to drive, but once he learned manual, he never went back. Something about liking the way you could feel the gears shifting because you were in control. When he was twenty-nine he had managed to buy and fix up a ‘70 Chevelle SS 454, raven black with blood red pin stripes. He told me I could have it if I can pay for it. I pop the clutch and am able to drive for about an hour without stalling. My dad just sits in the passenger’s seat staring out the window. “What are you thinking about?” I ask, curious about his thoughts but more just trying to break the boredom of silence. “Mmm, not much, just thinkin’.” Even at seventeen I still can’t figure out his thought pattern, much less if it’s positive or negative. We return home. He tells me I did a good job as I park the car.

I look up to my dad and want to emulate certain characteristics of his. At seventeen he joined the Navy. Whenever I asked him about what he did, he hesitated. I suspected Navy SEALs but was never sure, so one day I asked. He responded by saying, “Operation Desert Shield.” Confused, I replied, “What’s that.” Without even glancing my way he said, “Look it up on Wikipedia ‘cause that’s all I’m going to say.” So I did.

Normally, I keep my life private from him, sharing only what I want. And he respects that. So I never told him that I coerced my last girlfriend into having sex. It was during summer, about two months after I received my license. Being almost a year older than me, she was anxious to see how I drove. We met Freshman year of high school, sharing an interest in video games, independent movies, and adventure. We became fast friends, but puberty was taking it’s toll and I asked her out, hoping to fuck her eventually. She agreed and we began our relationship as boyfriend and girlfriend, oblivious to the way my eyes lingered over her ass wanting to rip off those short shorts of hers and force my way into her precious cunt. Now with the freedom to drive where I please, I thought tonight might be the night. I had brought up sex before, but she always shied away, saying she wasn’t ready to go that far with me despite the fact that she considered me to be an almost perfect boyfriend.

But something in me had changed over the years. When I first discovered porn at ten, I watched it with the sole purpose of jerking off. But as I got older, jerking off wasn’t enough. I came across a few videos where the guys were being a bit forceful and rough, and I found myself revisiting these videos again and again. Eventually my tastes darkened into the rape and humiliation of women. I loved it. Still love it. Lucky for me I had a friend who confided in me that he had the same desires. He gave me his login info for this site called SexandSubmission. Since he had his own credit card, he paid for full subscription. At first I was worried about being caught, but his parents never seemed to care or check in what he was up to and my own dad was gone for half the day. My mom wasn’t around either, so when I got home sometimes, I splurged. But in the end, I knew the women in the videos were just actors, sometimes really bad actors. I wanted the real deal.

My girlfriend Penny sang along to my iPod music in the car. I smiled at her, secretly hiding my true intentions. We went through the drive-through at McDonald’s before driving to an open field. It was getting dark and she wanted to look at the stars. Being warm out, I suggested that we lay on the ground. She said that would be cool. I laid down a blanket and pulled out a water bottle from a trunk in the cooler. I offered the bottle, sitting down. Taking a drink she nearly gagged, “What the fuck is this?” “Vodka.” “Charlie, we’re not supposed to be drinking.” “I know.” I took the bottle from her and swigged, making sure not to break eye contact. She hesitated, but resigned to drinking with me. She took small sips, not being used to liquor.

We chatted for a bit about this and that all the while I thought about what her body would look like with her clothes ripped off. When the bottle was about half finished I put it back in the cooler, making sure not to take more than two drinks myself. I didn’t want to get whiskey dick ... or vodka dick in this case. We lied on the blanket and continued the chat. I had one hand behind my head and the other around her shoulder. She continued to talk as I slowly moved my hand toward her tits before quickly grabbing one. I laughed when she jumped from surprise. She screamed, “Charlie what the hell!” I just laughed as she swatted at me. I grabbed her wrist and poked her in the side. After a brief moment of trying to tickle each other I was on top with my face close to hers. We made out for a good 5 minutes before I slid my hand down her body, creeping toward her crotch.

“Wait, wait.” She breathed. “I’m not sure I want to do this.” “Well I want to.” I could feel the aggravation starting in my voice. “Charlie please don’t.” She began pushing me off her, well tried anyway. Firmly I replied, “I can make it feel good, you just need to relax.” I started kissing her, harder this time, forcing my tongue in her mouth. The feeling of her squirming body beneath mine was just ... exhilarating. Then she heard my buckle being undone, her eyes shooting wide open. She was quick. I was quicker. And I had enough.

I jumped on top of her, straddled her waist, wrapped both my hands around her throat and squeezed. “Bitch don’t you dare.” I nearly screamed, and then I nearly whispered, “I’m tired of waiting. And I’m going to fuck you whether you like it or not.” Her fingers clawed at mine, desperately trying to pull them off. Her eyes were huge and full of fear as she realized what was about to happen.

I was as hard as a fucking rock. I loved it.

I sat down on my computer chair, reminiscing about last summer. I closed my eyes and breathed in deeply, inhaling through the nose and exhaling through the mouth. I closed my eyes, flashing back...

Releasing my grip I pulled her flimsy T-shirt off over her head. “Turn over,” I commanded. “Charlie, please don’t do this please, please...” she begged. “Turn!” I snarled this time, raising my hand as if to backhand her. I wasn’t planning to actually hit her. I didn’t want to leave marks. They just lead to questions. She flinched anyway and slowly rolled over beneath my legs, whimpering. Twisting the fabric into a tight strand, I used it to tie her wrists together before pulling her bra down. Then I remembered, “Oh, almost forgot.” I sprang up. “Stay!” I said pointing to her face. I jogged to the car and retrieved a small tape recorder from the glove box. I jogged back and flashed her the recorder. “Just a little something to remember this moment.” I grinned a Cheshire grin while Penny buried her face in the blanket, I imagine wanting this nightmare of hers to be over. It wasn’t her lucky day.

I pushed the record button and put the tape recorder next to her head about a foot away on the corner of the blanket. I ripped off her shoes and socks, tossing them aside. “Please Charlie, please, don’t do this,” was all I heard. She had started crying as well, her tears mixed with her mascara, staining her face with panic and fear. I flipped her over, her hands now beneath her arching back, her lips branded with “Please don’t do this, please don’t do this...” I began unbuttoning those short shorts of hers and yanked them off like I had done so many times in my fantasies. I stared at those cute panties of hers, reveling in the site of them, acknowledging the fact that I was about to stick my throbbing cock into her tight pussy. I crouched in an almost predatory like stance, like a mountain lion ready to pounce. My nose was near her crotch, my eyes watching her chest rise and fall rapidly. I closed my eyes and breathed in deeply, inhaling through the nose and exhaling through the mouth. I grabbed the front of her panties and shimmied them down her legs. I saw the fear rise even more in her eyes. She started to scream. I quickly moved to cover her mouth with my free hand, reducing her screams to more whimpers.

“Shhh...”

I whispered, raising a finger to my lips, panties in hand. I set the panties down on her heaving chest. I then caressed her face while staring into her eyes, leaning in close. “Oh I know your scared, I would be too I guess. Don’t worry, I won’t leave any bruises or scars ... just psychological damage.” I grinned that Cheshire grin nearly snickering. I saw a fresh tear trickle down the side of her face, as her eyes simply emptied like she was trying to go to a happy place. I smacked her face hard enough to snap her back into reality. “Oh no not yet, you don’t get to check out just yet.” I snatched the panties and roughly shoved them deep into her mouth, making her gag. “Keep those in.” I commanded. “Or else I might revoke my previous statement and break your ribs ... and still fuck you.” She began to shake uncontrollably. So I gave a playful slap to her stomach. I stood up above her looking down. I licked my lips slowly, relishing her fear. Undoing my belt buckle, I unzipped my jeans and pulled out my cock. I knelt down, spit on my hand and stroked myself. I lined myself up with her cunt, and pushed until the tip broke through. Hearing her whimpering grow louder and seeing her face as a mix of pain and humiliation, I placed my hands on her shoulders, put my mouth next to her ear and whispered, “Shhh, don’t worry darling. Now you get to look at the stars all you want.”

I rammed as hard as I could.

Penny had let out a guttural scream as best she could through the gag. Her back arched further and her sobs could have awoken an entire town. But we were far enough out that no one could hear us. I made sure of it.

“PLEEEEAASE!” She begged. “PLEEEAAASE STOP! IT HUUURTS! PLEEEAASE!” I didn’t really give a shit, her pain added to my enjoyment. I just fucked harder and harder with each movement. “STOP ... UHHH ... IT ... HUURTS ... PLEASE ... UHH ... STOP!” I grabbed her by the jaw and forced her to look at me, ramming her with each word. “I! Don’t! Care!” She continued to sob.

Then I felt that familiar sensation of ecstasy. I began to breath harder and faster. “Uhh, uhh, oh fuck, I’m gonna ... I’m gonna cum.” I started fucking faster ... then she caught on, her face burning bright red from humiliation and shame. “NO! NOOO! NOO! PLEASE PULL OUT! PL-” Her plea was cut short as I began to choke her. My grip tightened and I let out a deep growl from my gut as I shot my sperm into her cunt. My breathing subsided and I released my grip. I saw that look of emptiness in her eyes once more. She had checked out.

I pulled out, stood up, and looked at my cock. It was covered in blood and semen. Gross. I thought. I looked around for something to wipe myself with, but I couldn’t find anything, so I used the blanket. I’ll have to shower again. I let out an annoyed sigh. Shoving my cock back into my pants I pulled the panties out of her mouth and untied her shirt. She immediately curled into the fetal position. I picked up the tape recorder and turned it off. Looking at my watch, I noted the time, 0112 ... Hmm, yeah I have time for a smoke. I had taken a cigar from my dad’s office earlier that day. Leaning against the car, I puffed away. At around 0203 I stomped out the last bit left. Looking over at Penny she hadn’t moved from the fetal position. I strolled over and put her on her back. She began to whimper and cry again.

“No no no no please not again please,” She begged. My dick began to harden, but I didn’t have time to fuck her again. Shame really. “Don’t worry, I’m not gonna touch you. I just want to make sure you won’t tell anyone.” And with that I put my knee in her gut, grabbed her throat with one hand and stuck a pointing finger in her face. “Because if you do, I will make sure I break all of your ribs while I watch you cough up your own blood before you drown in it. Understand?” Her eyes told me she did. “Now get dressed.” I commanded. She scrambled to assemble herself as best she could before I shoved her back into the car. I threw the blanket in the trunk and the tape recorder in the glove box. I drove her back to her house in total silence. When we arrived she quickly tried to open the door. I grabbed her wrist causing her to jolt. “Go inside, clean yourself off, and throw away your underwear. Or else.” She shook her head furiously before practically sprinting inside.

The next day I was eating a bowl of Mac ‘N Cheese on the couch while I watched Discovery Channel. “Hey how was your drive with Penny yesterday?” my dad asked, “Did you have fun?” Looking up a bit with a thoughtful expression on my face, I replied, “Yeah ... yeah I did. I had a great time.” I smirked. He chuckled, “Sure looks like you two had some kind of fun.”

“Dad ... I was in heaven.”

I opened my eyes. Getting up, I searched under my bed for a Converse shoe box. In it I kept the recorder and the tape, affectionately named “Penny.” I smiled.

Good times.

Cut forward. It’s now the beginning of summer. I’m 18 now. Doesn’t feel much different, although now I can legally smoke. Not like it stopped me before. I only smoke cigars though, I find cigarettes to be so ... cheap. I finish mowing the lawn and go inside, wanting to take a shower. My dad stops me.

“Charlie, come here.”

He’s sitting at the kitchen table with a serious look on his face. He’s thinking again. When I sit down there’s a moment of silence. Barren like. “What’s wrong?” I ask, expecting him to tell me a relative has died or something. Instead he pulls out my recorder from his pocket, hitting the play button.

I panicked.

My eyes widened and my heart pounded in my ears. Penny’s screams of anguish and fear echoed in our kitchen. He shut off the recorder and dropped it on the table. “We were just doing a little rough play,” I spit out. “Don’t fuckin’ lie to me Charlie.” He paused and looked at me. “I know what rough play is. That doesn’t sound like rough play, that sounds like rape.” His voice grew. I recognized it as the one he used when I got disciplined. I kept quiet, not knowing what to say. I just wrung my hands together in my lap. My dad raked his hands through his hair, sighing heavily. “I was hoping you wouldn’t grow up to be like me.”

I stopped. Confused I slightly turned my heard to the side asking, “What ... what do you mean by that?”

“I mean you aren’t the only one who didn’t get consent. I’ve had my fair share.”

I leaned back dumbfounded, jaw slightly quivering in disbelief. My dad was an upstanding man. Ten years in the Navy before marrying his girlfriend of four years. After I was born he joined the police force to support our family. He quickly made Lieutenant, but after my mom died, something about him was different. I was never sure what it was ... until now.

He leaned forward, “Did you cover your tracks?” “Yeah.” “Did you wear a condom?” “No.” “Did you shave yourself before?” “No.” “Did you check back to make sure she didn’t tell anyone?” “No.” “Did you at least make sure you were isolated, check if you left anything behind, wipe down for fingerprints?” “We were in a field!” “Charlie!” Our voices had grown agitated with each question. “This isn’t some game! You get caught you go to jail. Just last month we arrested some bozo for raping his girlfriend. You know why he got caught? The neighbors could hear her screamin’.” He leaned back and picked up the recorder. “Listen, I’ve known for awhile. I found this while cleanin’ out your car.” I felt a little embarrassed. “I was curious so I played it. Quite honestly I did hope it was rough play, but when Penny never came back I had my suspicions. I checked your room last week to see if you had kept the tape. I saw it marked ‘Penny.’ It just confirmed everything.”

Our faces were solemn as we sat in silence.

Then he broke it, “I remember you said you were in heaven.” “I was.” “What about it was heaven?”

“ ... I...” barely shaking my head, “ ... the fear I saw in her eyes ... I had never seen anything like that. Such true fear ... and knowing I was the cause of that ... that I was in control ... don’t get me wrong, the fucking part was great, but ... that fear in her eyes ... so innocent and humiliated and shameful ... Dad I wanna see it again.” He put a hand on my shoulder. “Okay, but if you ever want to pull a stunt like that again, you need to learn a few things.” “What do you mean?” “I mean I’m gonna teach you.”

I slowly nodded. “ ... Okay.”

“Few more questions.” “What?” “ ... That night with Penny. How long did you last?” “A few minutes I think.” “First time doin’ it?” I hesitated. “Be honest.” ... I nodded, feeling embarrassed again. “Don’t sweat it ... Did you hit her?” “No, I didn’t want to leave visible marks.” “Understandable ... But it’s great fun.” He smirked a little. “Did you fuck her in the mouth or ass?” “No.” “Why not?” “I was too excited to do anything else.” He chuckled, “Would you like to?” “Yeah, yeah I would.” “Alright then ... What ever happened to Penny.” I thought for a bit. “I haven’t seen her but I heard she just finished her first year at Temple University.” “Pack what I tell you. We’re goin’ to Philly. Penny will make a great lesson model.” I smiled and sprang up.

He started to leave when I asked, “Dad?” He looked my way. “ ... Do you have any trophies?” A pause ... he’s thinking. He began walking so I followed. We went into his office where he opened a safe next to his desk. He pulled out what looked like an old cigar box with a keyhole on the front. He pulled a key chain off his neck and unlocked the box. Facing me, he presented the contents. Inside were pieces of jewelry; earrings, necklaces, rings, bracelets, but mostly earrings.

There were at least forty pieces.

Fast forward to next week. We’re in Philadelphia. The buildings are pretty cool, but other than that there’s not much to look at. My dad had called Penny’s mom, asking where she was living now. He bullshitted some story about how we were going to see the Liberty Bell and we wanted to say hi before I go off to college. After the 15-minute conversation he learned that Penny was now living in an apartment in Pennsport. It’s a decent town in most areas. The drive is about 6 hours, including bathroom and snack breaks. We arrived on Friday, saw the Liberty Bell, took some photos, put the photos on Facebook and stayed at some crappy motel near Pennsport. We wake up early, drive, and park down the street from her apartment. We’ve stocked up on mild Slim Jims and white cheddar Cheez-Its. My dad tells me we’re going to wait until one of us sees her. Silence.