Chapter 1

Royal Pain

Mike, Beth, and the goblin Tink stood at the foot of the stairs, looking upward in awe. Only moments ago, the earth had trembled when Beth had brought in her luggage, the house outwardly expanding. However, it wasn’t as simple as that-looking up the stairs, the new second floor started at the landing where the stairs changed direction. In his mind, Mike now had memories of passing by that hall without a second thought. It wasn’t only the house that had grown, but his memories as well.

“This is amazing.” Beth’s voice was just above a whisper. She had set her luggage on the floor.

“You’re telling me. Do you remember this at all?”

Beth nodded. “I can’t tell you how many times I dropped by to check on the place after your great aunt Emily died. Thinking back on it now, I vividly remember walking past that hallway and never actually checking it out, but I also remember never noticing it.” Beth had been the estate agent who had first walked him through the home almost a week ago. Had it really only been that long? “It’s so hard to explain.”

“It’s like the Mandela Effect. People with a collective memory of an event find out they’ve all been wrong somehow. The big difference here is that we now remember ignoring something we never saw in the first place.” Mike walked up the stairs, his left hand on the railing. At the top of the railing was a smooth metal ball. To the left was the new hallway. “I know that I have never seen this ball before, but I have a memory of grabbing onto it every time I come down the stairs. There’s a smudge on the other side.” He stepped into the hall and looked at the ball. Sure enough, the smudge was there.

“What could cause something like that?” Beth asked.

“There’s a spell on the house, a geas. It’s a type of powerful enchantment. Until you are invited in, you can’t actually see the creatures who live here. It’s why you never spotted anything out of the ordinary.”

“Then how did I come in? Or the maids to clean it?”

“You were working for my aunt, technically. Logically, you were acting as a temporary Caretaker, so you were allowed entry.” He shrugged. “That’s my best guess, to be perfectly honest.”

“Could we ask Naia about it?”

“Maybe. The geas can alter memories. When I first moved in, Naia had forgotten about the others. They only seem to remember things when I discover them.”

“Tink in deep sleep,” the goblin said from behind them. She already had a rag in her hand, and had started polishing the smudge off the railing. “When house sleep, everyone sleep. No wake until husband finds.”

“That’s about right.” Mike stepped into the hall. The wooden floor looked like it had been recently waxed, and the hallway made a sharp, ninety-degree turn. Windows along the hall let in plenty of light, and Mike walked up to the first door, grabbing the knob tightly in his hand.

“Ready?” He looked over his shoulder. Beth and Tink nodded, though Mike saw that Tink was holding her wrench tightly in one hand. He held back a laugh and twisted the knob.

It didn’t budge.

“Huh.” He rattled the knob, then tried to give the door a push. When nothing else happened, he tried knocking.

“So ... that was anti-climactic.” Beth moved next to him to help. He was suddenly aware of how close she was, and how the curve of her ass pushed into him when she pressed her shoulder into the door. “Is it locked?”

“Must be.” Mike crouched down, noticing the keyhole under the knob. Or rather, where the keyhole should have been. A dark grey substance was just past the tiny portal. “Hey Tink, is that what I think it is?”

“Husband move.” She swatted Mike on the butt and took his place. She put her magical goggles on, the tiny lenses flicking down to give her a better look. Tink jerked her head back, a look of horror on her face.

“Nasty!” She retched dramatically. “Disgusting shit!”

“What is it?” Mike asked. Beth had pulled a key out of her pocket and was scraping at the substance blocking the keyhole with it. “It’s clay or something like it, right?”

“Shit. Poop. Doody.” Tink’s whole face wrinkled in disgust. “Stupid fuck shit in the keyhole!”

Beth dropped her key.

Mike’s jaw dropped. “How do you shit in a keyhole?”

“Very carefully.” Beth said, an odd smirk on her face. Mike could tell she was trying not to laugh. “Or not. We haven’t seen the other side of the door.”

“Can you get it out?” Mike asked Tink. He really didn’t want to break down the door or damage the lock too badly. God forbid he piss off whoever lived inside, and with the amount of repairs they had been doing lately, he knew that finding a door that would look right was going to be extremely difficult.

“Maybe, but take long time. Poop like concrete. Super hard.” Tink pulled a screwdriver out of her toolbox and shoved it in the keyhole. Using her hammer, she hit the back of the screwdriver, making the whole door shake. She gave it another whack, and the screwdriver snapped in the middle.

The colorful string of expletives from the goblin had Beth red in the face, her lips pressed tightly together.

“You’re loving this,” Mike said.

Beth nodded, her eyes on Tink. The goblin had thrown the handle of the screwdriver at the door. The handle had bounced off, rolling across the hall and coming to a rest along the baseboards. “Maybe we should go check out the other rooms?”

“Certainly. C’mon Tink, we’ll deal with that door later.” They turned the corner and Mike let out an appreciative whistle. The series of windows all looked north into the backyard and into the woods behind his house.The wrought iron gate behind the fountain looked even larger from here, and the light illuminated the two wooden doors on his right. At the end of the hallway was another door.

“I’m guessing they are bedrooms.” Mike walked to the first door and gave the knob a twist, but it didn’t budge.

“This one too?” Beth asked. She knelt down, but Tink pushed between her and the door, scowling through the thick lenses of her goggles.

“Shit!” Tink gave the door a kick then ran down to the next one. She stopped briefly at the next door and stomped her feet in frustration. She ran to the end of the hall and uttered curses under her breath upon inspecting the lock.

“All of them?” Mike blinked in disbelief. Who would block off the doors? And why with poop?

“Hello?” Beth knocked on each of the doors. “There’s nothing to be afraid of, we’re friendly.”

Mike placed his ear on the door closest to him. He heard nothing through it.

“Tink buy new drill from magic screen. Get some bits for concrete.” Tink walked around the corner and Mike could hear her stomping down the stairs. He had no doubt that she was headed for his laptop to put in an order at one of the local hardware stores.

“I guess it’ll have to wait for tomorrow.” Beth raised an eyebrow. “Wanna place any bets on what’s inside?”

“I can guarantee we will both lose somehow.” Mike smiled, and Tink yelled in surprise from the bottom of the stairs.

Beth and Mike ran down the stairs, Mike jumping the last few and turning toward the sound of Tink’s voice. He ran out of the living room and tried to turn into the kitchen, but ran into a wall that had never been there before.

“What the hell?” He looked and saw an opening to his left. Stepping through it, he found himself inside of a very large dining room with ornate china cabinets along the wall and a table that could easily seat more than ten people comfortably. Tink was standing at the other side of it, feeling the wood with her fingers.

“Is very good.” She gave the table a knock. “No remember, but actually remember.”

“I...” Again, Mike somehow had a memory of bolting through this room and never quite seeing it. This one was harder to swallow for him. It easily would take a couple of seconds to cross, so it couldn’t just be memory loss.

“Oh boy.” Beth leaned against the wall, her head in her hand. “This one actually makes me feel dizzy.”

“It isn’t just our memories. I get walking past a hallway and never going down it, but I remember going through this room, and that doesn’t make sense. Is the memory a fabrication?”

“That’s a good question.” Beth moved away from the wall. “Unless the house erased our memory of it as we passed through.”

“That almost makes the geas sound alive, or sentient.”

“Isn’t it?” The way Beth asked the question told him that she had already made up her mind. “The house waited until today to expand. How far can it go, I wonder?”

“If that’s the case, then how many rooms have we walked through already? That kind of time adds up and I think we would notice that it takes a really long time to cross the house. It can’t just be memory manipulation, it has to be something more.”

“Yes, well, before we do anymore exploring, I would like to go lie down for a bit. Unlike some people here, I’ve been up all night.”

“Yeah, okay.” Mike poked his head out the other side of the room to see the small kitchen table that he and Tink had eaten breakfast at. His laptop was still on it. “Hey Tink, go ahead and get that stuff ordered. I want to get into those rooms as quick as I can.”

Tink jumped onto the nearest chair and opened his computer, her fingers clicking on the keyboard. He could hear her pounding on the keys while he grabbed Beth’s luggage by the front door. He tried to pick up the briefcase she had brought with her, but she snatched it away from him.

“What’s in there?” he asked. “Must be important.”

“Sorry, reflex. This was my dad’s case, he gave it to me when I moved out. It’s just a few things from my apartment that I couldn’t live without. Old copy of The Hobbit I got when I was young, stuff like that.”

“Hey, you’re entitled to your privacy. I’ve just learned to be curious about everything, especially creepy little dolls.” Mike and Beth both laughed. At the time, Beth’s possession had been a serious matter, but they had both come to terms with it.

“Speaking of Jenny, you should probably get her out of your bag.”

“Oh, right!” Beth opened up her backpack and pulled out the little doll. With a porcelain face that they had cleaned up and a pretty green dress that Tink had made for her, she looked less ominous.

“Here ya go.” Mike took the doll and walked into the living room. The front window overlooking the yard had been covered with dark curtains which he parted to allow in more light. The window sill had been deepened to allow for the large dollhouse that Tink and Mike had put together. It was tucked in the corner of the window, initially hidden by the curtains. It looked like a caricature of the home itself, with a finely carved turret on top with a toy gargoyle hanging from the gutter. Inside, roughly where Mike’s room was, sat a small chair built just for Jenny. He set her in the chair and pushed her to face toward the front yard.

“And she likes this?”

“Loves it. She kept haunting Tink to help her draw up the plans. Tink kept complaining about it because apparently Jenny kept doing that when she was busy with other stuff.” Beth had been gone while they had been building the dollhouse during one of her many trips into the Labyrinth. Mike had learned from her about the potential magical items that had been sold at an auction, so he had her visit with Ratu to see if they could identify any of them from the itemized list she had kept from her visit to the New Castle storage facility.

“I’m probably going back down there again later tonight. Do you think Dana wants to come with me again?”

Mike shook his head. “Not this time. She left me a note. Ratu thinks she found some magical items that may be able to bring her back to life.” Dana’s soul had been bound to her body, meaning that she would never truly die. She was hoping to cure her condition so that she could properly die and be reunited with her girlfriend in the Afterlife.

“That’s good news, isn’t it?”

“She left the house to go find them. Took the mimic with her.” Ratu, a powerful naga, was capable of breaking magical items down and preserving the magic within to combine with other magic. “Apparently something on that list you made might be able to help her.”

“Oh no. Won’t she get hungry if she doesn’t eat ... uh...” During Beth’s stay at the Radley house, she and Mike had been careful to avoid any discussion of his sexual dalliances with the others, but he knew that she had long ago caught on. “Your ... essence?”

Beth was referring to Mike’s semen. Dana had been turned into a zombie to infiltrate his home, but because his soul was bound to a nymph, his semen had powerful magical properties which kept Dana from feeding on the living, but only if she ate his cum. “She found a way to prolong the effects. She’ll be fine.”

“I see.” Beth started to say something, then pretended to cough instead. “I guess I’ll go to my room now.”

“Yeah, sure.” Mike picked up her backpack and her suitcase, and followed her up the stairs, trying to avoid staring at her ass through her clothes. It was still a bad habit, and the nymph’s magic running through his blood didn’t make it any easier.

Later that night, Sofia the cyclops made them all a big dinner of lamb. They ate out by the fountain on some makeshift tables that Tink had put together out of scrap. They all came out to celebrate their new roommate, the yard suddenly loud with their voices. Tink had put on a cute dress that Naia had helped her pick out, and Sofia wore a regal light blue gown that came to her ankles. At eight feet tall, she towered over everyone else.

When the sun had fully set, Cecilia the banshee made an appearance, her body hovering over the festivities. The three fairies circled overhead looking very much like twinkling Christmas lights. Abella had taken her post on the roof, her sensitive ears turned toward the front of the house. The Society kept a constant watch on the front of the house, hoping to catch Mike off guard.

That wasn’t going to happen. Mike smiled at the weird family that had surrounded him. Even though Beth was still the outsider, they treated her like one of their own. It had simply made sense to offer her a room in the home, especially with the sinister forces determined to discover the secret of the home.

“Penny for your thoughts, lover.” Naia’s lips on his ears made him shiver in delight, and he reached back to wrap an arm around her waist.

“What do you know about the real second floor?” he asked. She smelled of fresh rain on a summer day. “The one that appeared. The doors are all blocked.”

“Surprisingly little, actually.” Naia rubbed Mike’s back through his shirt. “Emily mentioned it to me once, but it was shortly before she passed. She forbid the others from going there, as it had just appeared for her.”

“Wait, so the second floor is technically new?”

“I guess. One of the previous Caretakers may have mentioned it, but I couldn’t even tell you who.” Naia frowned. “Usually when you find something in the house, my memory of it returns. I’m sorry I can’t be of any more help.”

“Don’t worry about-” Mike’s jaw dropped when a pair of dark figures stepped out into the light of the garden. Ratu wore a beautiful silk kimono with a golden dragon emblazoned across the front and back. Behind her stood the minotaur Asterion, his giant axe in hand.

“My colleague here was very adamant that we come tonight.”’ Ratu smiled, her tiara sparkling atop her head. The fairies had stopped where they were, dropping down to hide behind the others. “I found it comforting that you have already spent much effort making us feel welcome.”

“Ratu.” Mike stood and offered the naga a hug, which she accepted. He felt her lick his neck with her overly long tongue, which made him flinch. “I didn’t think you were coming. Don’t you need to be monitoring the Labyrinth?”

“The Labyrinth will be fine for a bit, I have warded the entrance to notify me if it is breached. And I wasn’t going to come, but Asterion made me. Surprisingly, I missed seeing my visitors.” She smiled at Beth, who was looking at Asterion and blushing. “Welcome to your new home.”

“Thank you.” Beth wore a black gown with a pair of horn rimmed glasses. Tink had stolen them earlier, wearing them around the house as a fashion accessory until Mike made her put them back. She rose from her seat at the table to shake hands with Ratu, then gave Asterion a hug. The minotaur hesitated before hugging her back.

“Well, it’s good to see you too.” Mike offered his hand to Asterion, who contemplated it for several seconds before shaking it.

“We can be friends too.” he said. Mike thought it an odd thing to say, but didn’t bother asking about it. Asterion found the vegetarian dish that Sofia had made specifically for Zel. Beth helped him put together a plate of it, which required that he set down his axe. Mike nearly laughed at his reluctance to do so, the minotaur looking back and forth from his weapon to the food.

Where was Zel? The centaur had been there for a while, but had vanished. Mike excused himself and checked in her garage. They had redone a good portion of the small building. The door to get in was now a stall door with a top that opened separately. They had built her a comfortable stall to sleep in with hay scattered on the floor and a comfortable quilt for her upper half. Her alchemist table was a mess - clearly she had been working on something.

Stepping back out into the night, he skirted the fountain and walked around the house. There was a narrow corridor behind the home that used to be thick with Mandragora vines, but that creature had left last week to replant itself. Walking toward the greenhouse, he saw that the door was open.

“Zel?” He stepped through cautiously. Inside the greenhouse was a jungle that went for miles from the door, the door itself built on top of a large cliff overlooking it. He had been assured that the greenhouse held many rare and valuable specimens for potions and spells, but it was never anything he had gotten involved with. Zel spent most of her day at her table working with the ingredients she had brought with her, and would go back into the greenhouse from time to time.

“There you are.” He spotted her on the edge of the cliff. She was slightly taller than he was, her skin pale in the moonlight. Zel was wearing feathers that she had braided into her hair and a sleeveless tunic. Around her human waist was a large sash that matched the rest of her outfit. Her ankles were adorned with bracelets she and Tink had woven out of leather scraps with bits of ribbon mixed in. “Everything okay?”

“We’re about to find out.” Zel pointed at the sky. The moon was rising in the distance. It looked different than the one over his house. His best guess was that the greenhouse was somehow on another plane of existence. “I’ve been waiting for that.”

“The moon? I mean, is it technically the moon? Our moon?” Mike had no idea what the name of the moon was. “That moon?” He at least felt like he was asking the right question.

“Yes, that one. I could have used the moon in the backyard, but I didn’t want to do this in front of the others. Come here.” She patted a rock next to her so Mike sat down. She pulled a slim vial from between her breasts. “I have to drink this right when the moon climbs over the horizon and I want you to be here just in case.”

“In case what?”

“I’ve never told you the truth about why I’m here. Emily never let me live in the house, so I lived out here in the wilderness by myself.”

Mike nodded. He had initially been distrustful of the centaur because of this fact, but had quickly learned that she was worth the risk. Her potions had amazing curative properties, although he didn’t always approve of the ingredients she used.

“Well, in a lot of ways, I was actually hiding. From my tribe.”

Now this was new information. “Why would you want to hide from your own tribe?”

“I was betrothed. It isn’t uncommon for centaurs to do such a thing shortly after birth. It allows us to monitor bloodlines, make familial alliances, whatever. Breaking a betrothal is essentially forbidden without very good reason.”

“I see. Were you hoping to marry for love or something like that?”

“What? Oh, no, nothing quite so simple.” Zel walked along the edge of the cliff, her tail swishing in the light breeze drifting across the cliff tops. Mike noticed the ripples in her human hair, how the gusts caught the edges of her tunic and revealed a little more of the tanned skin beneath. “Centaurs are proud. I believe this is a stereotype that carries over into this world, yes?”

“Of course.”

“Then understand the differences between us. When a human is born with a disability, what do you do?”

“Depends on the disability. Do surgery if it’s fixable, otherwise learn how to raise it and love it anyway.” It’s what he would do, anyway. Life wasn’t always so kind.

“Centaurs will meet you halfway. If it can be fixed, they do it. Our medicine is second to none, and plans will immediately be made to prep the child for recovery. However, if something is really wrong, something that can’t be fixed with medicine, then there’s a different solution.”

“What’s that?” Mike thought he knew where this was going.

“When I was young, my dam’s friend gave birth to a child that was born with legs that would never hold him up. They were hideous and malformed. The chief of the tribe killed the child for them so that the tribe would never be burdened.”

“That sounds terrible.” The death of any child would be, and he winced inwardly. His hunch had been correct.

“Yes, but is it actually? A tribe can be forced to move at a moments notice. It can be for reasons of war, or a hunt, or even something as simple as a forest fire. Such a creature would be unable to hunt or support himself, and he would never be allowed to breed. Is it crueler to end such a creature, or to allow it to live with the misery of its own existence?”

“That’s one of those workplace conversations you’re not supposed to have.” Mike gave Zel a grin, but she clearly didn’t understand what he meant. “For humans, we have an argument similar to that. For a lot of people, it comes down to what it means to be alive, and maybe if their god disapproves of it.”

“Centaurs have no such debate ... usually.” Zel had stopped, her eyes on the horizon. “You see, I was born with a disfigurement that could not be fixed. However, it wouldn’t hinder my contribution to the tribe either, so my parents chose to hide it. When I was young, I lost them both to a troll raid, and only my aunt knew of my condition. She was, after all, the midwife at my birth.”

“Go on.”

“There are many legends about centaurs. We have theories, but the only thing we know for sure is that we are half human, half horse.” Zel’s face suddenly grew red. “But if you ever meet another centaur, do not tell them that.”

Mike nodded.

“Anyway, where does the horse end and the woman begin?” Zel pulled up on her shirt. The fine gray hairs of her horseflesh eventually melded into a smooth human belly. “It’s different for everyone. It isn’t uncommon for a centaur to be a horse up to their pecs, or even human between their horse legs. That can be covered by clothing, and doesn’t hurt anything. However, a centaur baby can be born with a horse’s head, or even human feet. Such a creature is usually destroyed right away by its own parents.

“You see, I was born with such a deformity, one that is easily hidden but would become all too obvious on my wedding night.” Zel turned her back to him, her tail swishing back and forth. She reached back to grab it, pulling it out of the way. Mike wasn’t certain what he was supposed to be looking at.

“It looks okay to me.” Beneath her tail, the light fur faded into the soft flesh of a beautiful vagina. He was surprised at how normal it looked until it finally dawned on him. “Oh shit, you’re a human back here!”

“Yes. Centaurs mate from the waist down. I was born with a human vagina, one that will not accommodate a horse’s cock, nor a centaur child.” She let go of her tail. “On the night before my wedding, my aunt brought me here that I may live. You see, I was betrothed to marry the chieftain’s son, and my deception would be cause for death on my wedding night.”

“Because you have a human pussy?”

“I am an abomination. My parents let me live, thinking they could someday find a way to make me whole, but they never found a way. This greenhouse is a legend to my people, and my aunt tasked me with finding a way to cure my affliction and someday return to my tribe.”

“And have you?”

Zel’s head dropped. “Yes and no. You see, such a feat can be accomplished only by the combination of science and magic, but magic is, by nature, often wild. I did find an ingredient that would work though, and a ready supply of it.”

“Are you talking about my sperm?” He felt like his semen was officially the swiss army knife of alchemy these days.

“I am. Your semen alone contains a powerful life force, but there is something more. It carries residue of an old magic, something wild and untameable. By that nature, I had to make a choice. I could try to create a potion to restore my equine qualities or to amplify my human ones. In the realm of risks, one could say that only one of those is a safe bet.”

“So you’re saying that you made a potion that will turn you human?”

Zel nodded. “I hope so.”

“But why? I think you are amazing as you are.”

“I may be amazing, but I am alone. I can never truly be a part of my tribe - the most I can hope for is to be cast out, much like I already am. And though I may be a part of this household, I can’t even go inside without fear of slipping. I am limited, and I do not like it.”

“Zel.” Mike shook his head. “I’m sorry you feel that way.”

“It is no fault of yours. This is something I have lived with, and will likely continue to.” The moon was nearly risen now, and she held the vial up. “The light of the rising moon is the last ingredient. The moon signifies change and transformation, life and birth. I hope that it may signal my own transformation as well. If it fails ... I did not think I could bear for the others to see the result.”

“Then let’s see what happens together.” He crossed his legs, shifting to make himself more comfortable. It was a pretty evening here in the greenhouse, and the others wouldn’t come looking for him right away.

She nodded, holding the vial up so that the light of the moon shone through it. The moment the moon crested the jungle, the liquid inside took on a golden hue, glowing intensely like a tiny star. Zel stepped away from the edge of the cliff, then turned around to sit across from Mike.

“To wild magic.” She pulled a small cork out of the top of the vial and swallowed it. An amber glow descended across her body like a shimmering gown of light, swirling outward. Zel cried out, tilting forward onto the ground. Mike got off the rock and tried to help her up, but the curtain of light was swirling around her now, pinning her to the ground.

“Zel, are you okay?” He was answered by a scream. From where he sat, he could hear a series of snapping noises coming from where her legs were. Steam rose from below her, the shimmering light blinding him now. He closed his eyes and held tightly to Zel, who was now crushing his hand in hers.

Zel screamed several more times before growing quiet. The light faded, the steam gently drifting off the cliff. His eyes still hadn’t adjusted, her dark form dimly lit by the moon. She shifted in front of him, messing with the large sash around her waist.

“Please. Help me stand.” Her hands were shaking. Mike got up on his knees and pulled. Zel pressed into him, her breasts pushing into his chest. She used his shoulders to stand, her body shaking. The sash she had loosened tumbled across her lower body to become an ankle length skirt. She grunted, standing up with Mike.

“It ... it worked!” He stared in awe. The potion had made her human!

“Not quite. A failure, albeit an interesting one.” Stepping away from Mike, she grabbed her skirt and lifted it upwards. Her feet were a cross between human and horse, a large hoof where her toes should be. Her muscular calves were not the smooth skin of a human, but rather the furry limbs of a beast. Inspecting her transformation, she pulled the skirt higher. Somewhere near the top of her thighs, the fur transformed into human flesh. When she dropped her skirt, she made a face. Frowning, she pulled a small knife from her pocket and turned around, stabbing the fabric.

“What are you-” She pulled her tail through the opening. It was nearly as long as her legs were.

“That is certainly inconvenient.” Zel shifted her hips from side to side, the tail swishing against her skirt. “I imagine it will be difficult to find pants that fit.”

“So it this ... is this you now?”

She smirked, the moonlight sparkling in her eyes like gemstones. “No. When I made the potion, I deliberately built a failsafe in. It will last either an hour or a couple of days, but it’s hard to know for sure given the nature of its components, specifically your contribution. Hmm.” She hiked up her skirt again, revealing a perfectly smooth human ass with a horse’s tail right above it. “I would estimate that I am roughly twenty percent equine still. It’s mostly in the legs. This form at least grants me mobility, but I’m afraid the tail prevents proper integration into human society.”