Chapter 5

I woke up to my cat licking my face. She was meowing insistently that she wanted to eat and wondered why I wasn’t getting up. My fuzzy brain could not determine what time it was, but at least an hour must have passed since I blacked out.

I felt empty inside. The past several years I had buried myself in work and hadn’t even gone out on dates. I liked my job, but I was starting to recognize that I was working obsessively because I had nothing better to do. My work kept me busy. When I was at home, I was usually hanging out in front of the television mindlessly watching Netflix. Other times I sat behind my PC, passing the time by chatting with ‘friends’ that I never met in real life, or playing a stupid game. Watching porn was another thing that kept me occupied a lot.

I’d go to the cinema with my real friends occasionally, or I would spend time with them on another activity. However, we rarely went out these days because they all had their own lives. Two of them had gotten married. Another one recently became engaged and would marry next year, while the rest were going steady with their girlfriends. I often felt like the odd man out, the so-called happy bachelor, free to hit on any woman of his choosing because he had no attachments. Pfft, if they only knew the truth about how lonely I really was.

A deep sigh escaped my lips and I slowly got up, much to the delight of my cat who kept nuzzling up against my leg and urging me to go to the kitchen to prepare her food.

“I can’t let this happen again,” I muttered, shaking my head.

My cat gave me a funny look, probably wondering why I wasn’t moving to the kitchen yet. She didn’t really seem to care about my issues and it added to the sting. My cat was often the only creature who gave me some comfort, but I wasn’t even getting that now.

“Fucking great, I really blew it,” I said, while I looked at my cat.

“Meow?” Was all she replied.

She actually sat down and went quiet while she looked me in the eyes, forgetting about her problems and growling stomach for a moment.

“What do you think? Is there still a chance that things could work out between Ilse and me?”

My cat went quiet for another second, as if she took a moment to understand what I was saying, before she replied with an insistent, “Meowww.”

“Hmm ... Perhaps you’re right. Let’s get you your cat food,” I said with a resigned voice.

I sat on my couch again after I fed my cat and refreshed the water in her bowl, thinking over what I wanted to do with my life. It had always been a dream for me to start a family of my own, to have a loving wife, several children, and several pets. Living in a nice house, owning a good car, the stuff that everybody dreamed of having and most people I knew ended up getting. Except me that was. Sure, I got the house, car, and pet, but the most important thing in my life was missing, a loving wife.

Would it really be so bad if Ilse would fill that role? She seemed to possess all the right qualities. She had a lot of love to give, a great personality, and a smoking hot body. The only real disadvantage was that she was several years older. I could get along well with her kids, so that wasn’t really an issue. I had my smartphone in my hand, wanting to call her, but I couldn’t think of what I should say. I ran into the same problem while trying to write a message on WhatsApp, I couldn’t even get past the first word.

It all felt so impersonal anyway. If I wanted to set things right I’d have to visit her and tell her my feelings in person. It would by far be the hardest thing to do, but if I wanted a chance of saving my relationship with her, then it was also the right thing to do. If I nothing now, then I’d lose her for sure. Just like the previous times, I had two choices I could pick between, I could forget about her or I could pursue her.

Forgetting her would create two broken hearts, four if I included Bram’s and Naomi’s. I’d be damned if I let that happen! There was nothing to lose if I stepped up my game and pursued her instead.

Having reached a decision, I grabbed my car keys, locked my front door, and got into my car. It was time for a visit.

The drive to her apartment went on autopilot, I couldn’t really recall much of it by the time I arrived at the parking lot. I quickly parked my car and went into the apartment complex, taking the stairs two steps at a time. My lungs burned by the time I reached the fifth floor and I was puffing from exhaustion, but since it felt as if I was doing penance for the pain I caused Ilse I didn’t mind it one bit. I deserved this and much more.

I didn’t know what I would say when I arrived at her door, but I hoped inspiration would hit me when she opened it. At the very least I would apologize, tell her I’m sorry about the way I acted, and that I wanted to be with her.

After I rang the doorbell, it felt as if it took ages for the door to open. I could hear feet shuffling behind the door and took that as a positive signal. My heart was beating 180 beats a minute. I felt a cold sweat running down my spine and my nervousness was gnawing at me too.

Finally, I heard someone unlocking the door. I took a deep breath, slowly letting the air escape through my nostrils trying to calm myself down.

However, when the door opened it wasn’t Ilse as I had expected...

Instead, there stood a blonde woman in front of me who I didn’t know, having a curious look on her face. As she looked me over her look turned from curious anticipation into one of disgust, as she seemed to recognize me somehow.

“Could I talk to Ilse please?” I carefully started to say, “I want to apologize to her. I really messed things up and I’ve been very stupid.”

I had a hopeful look in my eyes, wishing that this woman would stand aside so I could run to Ilse and comfort her. I wanted to make her feel better and ask for forgiveness, beg her if I had to.

However, the blonde woman crushed my hopes, when she said, “I think you should go. You’ve done more than enough damage as it is.”

She wanted to close the door, but I blocked her from doing so, “Please, I really need to talk to her!”

Her face turned into a furious snarl and she yelled at me, “Get out! Go away, before I call the police! You are NOT wanted here.”

Her viciousness took me aback, giving her time to slam the door in my face. Something broke inside me at that moment. I sunk down on the cold concrete floor, not caring who could see me like this. I hugged my knees to my chest, and I did the only thing a man could do when it felt as if he had lost everything dear to him.

I cried.

I don’t know how long I sat there, but eventually I wiped my tears away and got up. My muscles felt stiff, but I refused to give up. If the police had to take me away, then so be it, right now I couldn’t give a shit.

I rang the doorbell again. Despite knowing better, I still had hope for a different outcome. If she rejected me again, then so be it. I’d give up and go home. However, I knew if I didn’t try, I’d regret it for the rest of my life.