“So, what are your thoughts on this whole ‘King and Queen of Heaven’ business, Fareed. I mean, honestly? Is it not completely absurd that we now have to rewrite the Bible or whatever to reflect the whims of this oversexed narcissist who proclaims himself to be Almighty God? He’s got to be utterly deranged, not to mention depraved, to be pushing for what he has. Do you know that he now has an entire new political party in India, in INDIA, for God’s sake, voting as a bloc for reunification with Pakistan and Bangladesh under the umbrella of some post-sectarian South Asian union?

“Their other ideas include full legalization or decriminalization of prostitution, polygamy, incest, and several other hedonist, ‘Satan’s Christmas wish list’ proposals! I mean, I like to get laid as much as the next girl, but damn, what’s with this guy? Maybe he really is the Antichrist and this ‘Jessenia’ is his False Prophet instead of Futa Jesus?” Ann Coulter ranted at Fareed Zakaria, much to my amusement.

While I watched this TV news talk show hosted by Fareed, I prone-boned Phoebe Cates on the king-sized bed of a Manhattan penthouse. She seemed as interested in the program as I was, though admittedly, she was rather attracted to the host. She was also very turned on by being watched herself, as we had plenty of company in that suite. Most of those present were from my harem, but Phoebe was a very amorous exception and another was Phoebe’s equally famous actor husband, Kevin Kline. Kevin was himself balls deep inside my sister Leah.

Celia, for her part, sodomized Arlena Corbin quite brutally with her strap-on dildo, very pleased that Izaz the angel rimmed her through the opening in the back of her thigh harness. Priya, meanwhile, sucked my balls and played with my bunghole with her usual ardor. Enrique had his dick buried inside Desiree and Nathan pounded Kerry with supernatural vigor thanks to their shared angelic status.

“Did you forget that I’m from India, Ann? I mean, seriously, woman, you’re barking up the wrong tree there! If there’s anything that I know about Indian politics, it is that any influence from the likes of Ian Finnegan and people of his disposition is a serious boon to the country. European imperialism arguably created many of India’s issues, including a great deal of its prudery, but it has been this American of European stock, oddly enough, who has led the way in much of the world, though not alone.

“He has had angelic and other assistants along the way, but look at what’s he accomplished in just the past two months since he has surfaced! Crime has radically dropped in large parts of the world, poverty and hunger have greatly decreased, ISIS, Hamas, Al Qaeda, the Taliban, FARC, the Shining Path, and Hezbollah have all been utterly annihilated, AIDS, HIV, STDs, cervical cancer, and abortion rates have plummeted, rape and sexual assault have been significantly reduced, wars have mostly ground to a halt around much of the world, school shootings have apparently become things of the past, the environment is doing better than it has in living memory, mass transit programs have finally gotten a shot in the arm, the urban sprawl and congestion levels in LA in particular have been cut in half, etc.

“The Levant is stabler than it’s been since the end of British and French colonial rule, a permanent peace treaty between Israel and Palestine has finally been ratified, settling the issue of Jerusalem and creating a Palestinian state at last, overfishing has ended at last, India could reunify with Pakistan and Bangladesh, whaling has been contained, Japan has outlawed shark fin soup, the rainforests are expanding again, etc. The list goes on and on, Ann.

“God or not, if this man can achieve all of this, in just sixty days, what can he bring about in sixty years? God or not, a man capable of all of this laundry list of magnificent achievements deserves to be Person of the Year, get the Nobel Peace Prize, and have a statue built to him on Rockefeller Plaza, where people can come and pay tribute to him! Yes, even worship him! I have half a mind to convert to Ianism myself! To create co-sovereignty over Jerusalem for Israel and Palestine, what a sword slash through the Gordian knot that was! To use the Archangel Gabriel as mediator, too, what a stroke of absolute genius! If more people getting laid is the price that we have to pay for this nascent utopia, sign me up!” Fareed fiercely defended me, much to my delight.

“Remind me to send someone soon to bed Fareed and thank him properly for this strong rebuttal of Ann’s stupid talking points. The fact of the matter is that he would be a damn good convert, anyway. I can’t imagine how much patience he must have to even let Ann walk onto his damn show after her history of paranoid, xenophobic hysteria, often directed at brown people like himself. He’s got a lot of brass ... and class, come to think of it!” I chuckled as I plundered Phoebe some more.