Chapter 59: “Ask me.”

February 26, 1997, Milford, Ohio

“Good morning,” Doctor Mercer said when I walked into the reception area of her office in Milford on Wednesday morning.

“Good morning,” I replied.

She showed me into her office and I sat down in a chair across from her as I usually did.

“There was a new development late yesterday,” I said. “Al Barton seems to think my blood sugar is out of whack, but this time it’s my own body working overtime against me.”

“I’m not an expert by any means, but I assume you’re talking about something to do with insulin?”

“And my body creating its own glucose. The rough theory is that my body can’t handle glucose regulation properly. Starting tomorrow I’ll be doing blood testing the way diabetics usually do, to try to give Al Barton and my doctors at Mayo Clinic a baseline to work from.”

“And that’s the cause of your behavior?”

“That’s the cause of my psycho-physical state, but I’m still responsible for my own behavior.”

“I’m not quite sure what you need if you know and accept that, which I was fairly sure was the case.”

“I may have allowed myself to get out of control and taken it out on Bethany and said something very hurtful. I got an earful from Tom, not to mention my wives, Doctor Barton, Kathy, and Bethany herself.”

“Take me through what happened, please.”

I did and watched as Doctor Mercer’s face became grim and she shook her head.

“Well, to be blunt, you acted like an ass, Steve. What was wrong with you?”

“I lost control,” I replied.

“Obviously,” she said dryly. “How did you let yourself get to that point? Think back.”

“I worked myself into a frothing anger because of the treatment of a young woman I rescued from the clutches of a pimp, and the fact that the government was going to send her back to North Dakota, a place she was terrified to go because she’d been abused and impregnated. Bethany defended the system and the people and I lost it.”

“It hardly seems appropriate to take it out on Bethany, especially given the situation she found herself in. She’s your friend, but she can’t divulge anything she knows, and she has to abide by the rules for her license, the law, and any court rulings. Taking what amounts to a political position, publicly, creates a significant risk for her. I know she was only speaking to you, Steve, but we DO have to work within the system. There are ways and means of lobbying for change, but if we set ourselves against the system, the way you seem to want, we’d be in serious jeopardy. What do you think would happen if DCFS decided Bethany’s findings were invalid?”

“I’d say that the bureaucracy was defending its own privilege at the expense of the public, as it pretty much always does.”

“Yes, you would say that, but that’s not what I asked. But what would happen?”

“She’d be unable to do any good.”

“You want perfection from the system. What is the enemy of the good?”

“The perfect,” I sighed. “Something I can’t achieve myself, but which I demand from the government.”

“Which is not a failing, in and of itself, but it is the one topic on which you obsess and simply can’t let go. And in this case, that obsession overlapped with your innate desire to help any woman who finds herself in a difficult situation. That second one is admirable, but there are limits to what you can do, and that’s especially true if we’re talking about a minor.”

“«Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?»” I asked.

“In theory, the voters, but I know your opinion on that topic, and frankly, in many ways, I agree with you. But in others, I strongly disagree. That said, we’re not here to debate politics. What you need to do is find a way to control your anger at the government, or perhaps, at society for what it has made the government, and channel it into finding solutions.”

“I’m not sure that’s possible at this point. The ballot box is pretty much useless, the jury box is now a tool of the government, and the soap box is under attack. That leaves one box, and I don’t want to even THINK about the results of resorting to that one.”

“I’d say it’s a good thing you’re a committed pacifist. You basically have two choices - channel that energy into something positive, or find a way to dampen it significantly. Otherwise, this is going to happen again if your blood sugar gets out of whack. And if they can’t control it, it’ll trigger your bipolar disorder more and more, and again if you can’t control it, you’ll need medication.”

“That’s not happening,” I said firmly. “I will not take any psychoactive drugs.”

“Well, so long as you don’t harm yourself or others physically, nobody can make you, but you’re likely to alienate your family, friends, and coworkers.”

“No drugs,” I replied. “I’ll find a way to manage until next Spring.”

“Why then?”

“When I can program full-time, I can channel all of that energy into programming. I haven’t been in my ‘zone’ in YEARS. I honestly found that more relaxing than just about anything I’ve ever done.”

“You really find that relaxing?”

“More than anything I do,” I replied. “Because I’m so focused on the task at hand, that it totally clears my mind. And before you ask, no, there is no reasonable way for me to do that between now and next Spring. I’m just going to have to keep things controlled with diet, exercise, and sufficient sleep.”

“That part I have to leave to the medical doctors to manage, but I believe we can find some ways for you to break the cycle and stop before you lose control. It’s a matter of finding out what it is that relaxes you and takes your mind off whatever it is that’s egging you on.”

“You’re kidding, right?” I chuckled.

“Except that your self-medication didn’t work this time, did it?”

“It did, to a point. If the doctors can get the blood sugar stabilized, I think I’ll be OK. And if I ask Penny, Elyse, Deborah, and Kimmy to watch me at work, and my wives, Winter, and Maria Cristina at home, I should be OK. All of them are in a position to call me out if necessary. And please don’t take this the wrong way, none of them are as sensitive as Bethany. And yes, I know, that’s my fault as much as anyone’s.”

“And when they call you out, what kinds of things can you do, besides the thing that smirk on your face represents?”

“Writing in my journal has always been effective, and certain kinds of music as well. I think the key is removing stimuli.”

Doctor Mercer nodded, “Yes. That will be much more effective than sex, because, and I don’t mean to be facetious, sex is stimulating. But you’re going to have to watch yourself very closely, and have your family, friends, and coworkers do the same.”

I nodded, “I’ll take care of it.”

“How are things going otherwise?”

“Very good, actually. There are no issues between Kara, Jessica, and me, and the kids are doing great. There was a bit of a kerfuffle at the hospital in January, but we came through that OK.”

“What was the issue?”

“We went public with the fact that Al Barton is Jessica’s biological father.”

“HE’S WHAT?!” Doctor Mercer gasped.

“Her biological father. Angela had an affair with Al when they were both at the University of Texas, and Angela hid the fact that Al was Jessica’s father from Troy. Jessica has known since she was six, and I’ve known for about six years.”

“I’d say that’s more than a ‘bit of a kerfuffle’! They could both lose their medical licenses and their jobs!”

“The thing is, Al was very careful not to show any overt favoritism, and at every stage, it was other doctors who took the lead in admitting her to medical school, the Match, setting up her Fellowship, and hiring her at UofC. And it was all properly documented.”

“Whatever possessed them to keep that secret?”

“The short version is, Al tried to get her to go to UCLA, but at the last minute, she decided on Indiana. They hadn’t disclosed it, so they thought it best to simply keep it secret. The chances of anyone finding out were near zero.”

“What happened?”

“Albert Stephen Adams happened. And guess who he looks like?”

“And with that name, people might think he was Al’s son.”

I nodded, “Yes, and it was a family friend, who’s a doctor, who asked me, point blank, if Al was Jessica’s dad. At that point, we felt we had to come clean. I helped devise a strategy that managed to keep them both employed and managed to not put their medical licenses at risk.”

“I’d say you pulled off a miracle. Everything is truly OK?”

“Al was back to work on Monday. That was when all the stuff went down with the OTHER teenage girl and her mom.”

“There’s nothing between you and either of them, is there?”

“Nothing at all. I feel partly responsible for what happened, but ultimately, I think it would have happened no matter what. Amelia, that’s the girl, was feeling stifled and was upset about not being able to see her brother. Tomorrow, they can go home, or they can go to a shelter run by the Lundgren Foundation.”

“That one you handled quite calmly.”

“Because the system worked. I don’t hate the police or FBI, or even DCFS, for that matter. I hate when they pervert justice and serve themselves and chase their own agendas to the detriment of the people they’re supposed to be helping. And sadly, I see that happening more and more. It’s very much like my issues with society in general, which is, in my opinion, on a highway to hell. I’m trying to keep my own little corner sane, but it’s difficult when the entire world around us is insane.”

“If everyone around you seems insane, and they’re all doing the same thing, shouldn’t that tell you something?”

“That people are sheep? That the true visionaries are marginalized, hounded, and even killed? That people who tell the unvarnished truth and ask the difficult questions are considered to be anti-social and are ostracized? And no, I don’t have a martyr complex. The LAST thing I want to do is die. That said, SOMEBODY has to tell the emperor he has no clothes.”

Doctor Mercer smiled, “The voice calling in the wilderness?”

“Something like that, though I’d prefer to avoid John the Baptist’s fate.”

“You see yourself as a dissident?”

“Don’t you?”

“I think you see yourself as one, but an odd one, because you’re the dissident who wants to restore things to what they were before, rather than radically change them.”

“I don’t think that’s quite accurate,” I replied. “Yes, it’s true I want the Founders’ ideals and thinking honored, but I’m not interested in a society which diminishes women, minorities, or homosexuals. But I don’t think the ideals the Founders espoused require that at all. And I’m not saying they were perfect or I want to go back to some mythical ‘golden age’.

“For example, I don’t have some starry-eyed view that the 50s were a perfect golden age; far from it. In fact, the only reason the 50s were the way they were was because basically the entire rest of the world had been bombed back to the stone age, and only the US had significant undamaged industry and infrastructure. We also had pent-up demand from wartime rationing. And that’s just the 50s; I can tell you reasons I don’t want to go back to other periods as well.

“All of that said, we’re witnessing the destruction of the «kami» of the Founders, which binds us all together. When it’s destroyed, the country will simply disintegrate. It’s too large to be governed from DC, and too diverse for ‘one size fits all’ solutions. The Founders knew that, and imbued us with their philosophy of local government, starting with the individual. When that’s finally destroyed in the name of so-called ‘progress’, it’s all over.”

Doctor Mercer nodded, but looked a bit grim, “I’ll warn you that you’re going to find yourself increasingly frustrated unless you can come to terms with what you just said. I’m not saying I agree with you, but I do see your point. I’m also not saying you have to accept it, but you will have to live with it unless you can come up with some way to change things that fits your pacifist, non-interventionist, individualist style.”

“Unfortunately, I’m sailing into strong headwinds. I’m not going to give up, but I take your points, and I’ll make sure I talk to people to help me watch out for ‘Manic Mondays’.”

“I assume you’re OK with me consulting with Doctor Barton going forward?”

“Yes. You don’t have to ask continually.”

“Actually, I do. Consent can be withdrawn at any time, so I need to check.”

I chuckled, “That sounds familiar. And you know what? I think that should be applied to ‘consent of the governed’ as well. And I don’t mean just holding a vote, because the Constitution specifically tries to protect those with minority opinions. Sorry.”

“It’s OK to express your opinions, Steve. You just need to not get so worked up when your worldview falls on deaf ears, or worse, is actively interfered with. What are you going to do about the two young women in question?”

“For Willow, I gave her Doctor Mary Whittaker’s number at Mayo Clinic. I know it’s several hundred miles away, but I figured a female doctor wouldn’t raise any eyebrows with Family Services in either state. For Amelia, I have to leave that to Bethany and Project Lydia. I’m not sure what the family financial situation looks like, but they live in Kenwood, so I suspect they have family money. Of course, I could be wrong, and they could be Jehovah’s Witnesses who have high incomes, despite the teaching of that church about ‘worldly goods’ and ‘worldly success’.”

“Should I hand you a tissue to clean up that sarcasm which just dripped from your words?”

I chuckled, “That obvious?”

“Yes!” Doctor Mercer laughed. “But honestly, groups predicting the imminent end of the world tend to create significant emotional, psychological, and even physical problems for their members. I do want to remind you that it is impossible for you to rescue every single troubled teenager, and if you try, you’ll create no end of problems for yourself. In the case of Amelia, you did the right thing in contacting the women’s shelter.

“As for Willow, you did the right thing in getting her an attorney. Your problem there was simply one of results which you didn’t like. That’s going to happen, no matter what field you’re in. It happens to me, to Bethany, to Jessica, to your attorney friends, and, I suspect, to you. I can’t imagine every single result at NIKA is the one you prefer, and some outcomes might actually be bad.”

“So what you’re telling me is that I’m not as special as I think I am?” I asked with a wry smile.

“You’ve known that all along, Steve. It’s why you actively work to beat down your own ego, with a lot of help from the women closest to you. Not to pat you on the back, but in that regard, you’ve done a pretty good job. I remember talking to your karate instructor and he was always impressed by how you managed to leave your ego at the door to the school.”

“The challenge in karate is against myself, which is why not being able to spar doesn’t bother me.”

“We are the source of our own greatest challenges, which is what keeps me in business.”

“No kidding,” I chuckled. “What is it now? Twenty years for us?”

“Close to that, yes. Your penchant for helping young women in distress started with Bethany, and it’s something that’s motivated you ever since. Your methods may not be the best, but you have a pretty good track record. In fact, your success rate is better than many counselors. Yes, you’ve had a few failures, and yes, there are times when you couldn’t help, but that’s true even for professionals who are trained to do this.

“You realize that, at least in some sense; I know that’s poor consolation for a bad result in an individual case, but none of us is perfect. I think that notion is the key to understanding your worldview. For you, individual results are much more important, whereas society is concerned with, as the Founders put it, the ‘general welfare’. When those two come into conflict, it bothers you to the point of frustration and obsession.”

I nodded, “I can see that, and I’ve heard frustration from the other side from my Russian friends who think things are too free and open here, resulting in chaos. My Japanese friends’ heads would probably explode at the utter randomness of American life.”

“There is a cultural component, but I don’t think that’s the source of your philosophy.”

“My mom being a control freak is the source of my philosophy.”

“Yes. For you, freedom to be yourself and freedom to do what you wanted with your life were such important goals that everything, including community, took a back seat. You’ve moderated those views with regard to family and work, but it actually all ties together. You want to be the parent who is most unlike your mom as possible, and that spills over to work as well. As we’ve discussed before, for an avowed capitalist, you have a lot of socialist leanings!”

“And you know my point on that - it’s all in who decides, the individual or society.”

“And we come full circle! At this point, I think we need to wait to see what your medical doctors say. Just make sure you talk to your family, friends, and coworkers about pulling you back from the ledge.”

“I will.”

“And one more thing - if you speak to Bethany that way again, I’ll personally kick your ass from here to Los Angeles and back, black belt or no black belt!”

“You’d need to take a number and get in line if that were to happen; it won’t.”

“See to that, Steve. I mean it.”