Chapter 43: Defining Dual Relationships

December 26, 1996, Minneapolis, Minnesota

When we got to the room, I got two of the complimentary bottles of water from the fridge, and handed one to Mary. We sat down on the couch, and put our stocking feet up on the coffee table.

“So what’s bugging you?” I asked.

“As I said, work is great. I’m really enjoying the research and I get to participate in a lot of interesting cases, such as yours.”

“But...”

“My social life sucks. And I’m not just talking dating, but friends, too. When I leave at the end of a shift, the last thing I want to do is spend MORE time with medical professionals. But my work schedule, which isn’t as bad as a lot of Resident schedules, makes meeting people difficult. I was dating an attorney, but I have to say, I’m really done with lawyers and doctors!”

“I’ve been lucky in that regard, but then again, I’m not a doctor. And I’ve noticed my wife, and my doctor friends all prefer time away from other doctors, with a few exceptions. And we ALL avoid lawyers like the plague, again with a few notable of exceptions. You remember Bethany, right?”

“The clinical psychologist who wrote the books. What about her?”

“She married a paramedic. Other friends of mine married officers in the Navy. I’m thinking you need to expand your horizons.”

“Easier said than done. When I go out to clubs, I get hit on, but those guys are looking for a one-night stand. I’d sleep with you before I’d do that.”

“Gee, thanks,” I deadpanned.

Mary laughed, “Sorry, you know what I meant by that - the dual relationship problem.”

“Yes, of course. It’s just the way it sounded allowed me to pretend to be offended. It’s one of the few chances I’ve had to joke or tease that way, because I don’t want to offend you.”

“And I appreciate it. It’s worse with doctors. They won’t even buy you a drink!”

“Is it that bad for Residents? I know nurses and medical students get a lot of that.”

“With a few exceptions, including Doctors Ross and Alston, the doctors only see potential nookie.”

“Al Barton behaves the way Doctors Ross and Alston do, but I know quite a few doctors who don’t. Heck, I know one FEMALE doctor who likes to hit on male medical students and Residents.”

Mary laughed softly, “Now that’s funny. Turn the tables, so to speak.”

“So what I was getting at, mentioning Tom, is that you might be thinking you have to find someone in your ‘class’, rather than finding someone who’s good for you.”

“Class? Like aristocracy?”

“You have to be honest; doctors and lawyers are, in many ways, like the aristocrats of old - moneyed, privileged, and arrogant. And they often don’t think outside their social station, UNLESS it’s to get the trophy wife. Or, on rare occasions, the trophy husband. Let me ask you this - would you consider dating a plumber or an electrician or a bricklayer?”

Mary smiled wryly, “I see your point. When I think about guys I often think about how it will look to people at the hospital.”

“Stop doing that!” I commanded. “I’m serious. Who CARES what it looks like to other people? Pardon my French, but fuck ‘em!”

“Why do people say ‘Pardon my French’ when they’re cursing in English?”

“To pretend the word they’re using is a foreign word, and thus less offensive. It’s not, but polite society can excuse words like that IF you say something like ‘Pardon my French’ before you say it.”

“Weird.”

“I know; but I’m deadly serious about relationships. Quit thinking about what the people at the hospital will say and find a guy YOU want to be with. Obviously, he’ll have to be OK with you bringing in the big bucks, but most guys I know these days aren’t so macho that they have an issue with that. Police officer, fireman, tradesman, professor, or any profession like that might be good for you, if you’re as tired of doctors and lawyers as I am.”

“Wait! You make money from them! And you’re married to one!”

“True. And I’m friends with people in both professions. But the majority of them annoy the living hell out of me! Present company excepted, of course.”

“Of course,” Mary responded dryly.

“I know you like me, Doctor Whittaker, and you know I like you! I’ve invited you to my home more than once, and I’m hoping you’ll visit again. If I didn’t like you, I sure as heck wouldn’t have asked for you to be my primary physician at Mayo! But more importantly, you’re one of the few doctors I trust implicitly, which is even MORE important.”

“But I’m barely out of medical school!” she protested.

“So? All that means is you have less experience, but I’m a pretty damned good judge of character.”

“You’re also quite the character!”

I grinned, “Oh, I am, but I have to tone it down in professional situations.”

“And that’s what this is?”

“It’s a situation which makes perfectly clear why dual relationships are a serious concern. I have a few dual relationships - lawyers who are friends and doctors who are friends. I have to tread carefully with them, both the ones who are clients and ones who I need for their professional services. Sometimes, someone is all three. Doctor Barton is a friend, a doctor who is managing my overall health, and he sits on my Board of Directors. There’s a lawyer in California who is a client, is president of our User Group, who I’ve used for legal issues, and who is also a friend. There are a few more people like that, including you, and I have to be careful how I act around them.”

“Do you let your guard down around any of them?”

“Sure - Al Barton, and my attorney friend, who also represents my company, Jamie Ferguson. They both pretty much see me as I am.”

“Is this where I make a snide remark about the sauna?”

I chuckled, “Where you have been, but only wrapped in a towel. And that puts ME at a disadvantage!”

Mary laughed softly, “So you CAN let your guard down a bit.”

“Yes, a bit. But you gave me leave to do that with your comment. In THIS case, I have to kind of let you control the tone and tenor because there really aren’t any rules, so to speak. With anyone who’s a client, there are some clear lines which can’t be crossed. With Al, well, he and I have a very unique relationship.”

“Because he’s Jessica’s dad?”

I choked on the sip of water I’d just taken, which meant there was no way I could hide my reaction. But I had to try.

“What could possibly make you think that?” I asked, careful to keep my voice even.

“Her relationship with him, and Albert has an uncanny resemblance to him. The alternative is that he’s Albert’s dad, but I can’t IMAGINE that to be true. And your reaction tells me I’m right.”

“If only I hadn’t been drinking water, I might have made it. Do you know how dangerous it is to even VOICE that idea? To ANYONE?”

“It’s just you, me, and the four walls here. So unless someone has a video camera in here to catch us in an assignation, it’s safe.”

“I think they’d be bored out of their skulls, personally,” I smirked.

“Excuse me!” Mary gasped.

I chuckled, “I meant, of course, that nothing exciting was going to happen, not that YOU would be boring.”

“That’s better.”

“I assume you didn’t say anything to Jessica.”

“You assume correctly,” Mary replied. “I wasn’t sure I should say anything, but I felt comfortable after our talk so far.”

“May I ask a blunt question?”

“Was that why I wanted to talk to you?”

I nodded, “That was the question I had in mind.”

“No, I’m here because I’d like to have you as a friend.”

“And the dual relationship thing?”

“If you’ll pardon MY French, fuck it!”

I laughed and nodded, “OK. So, now that the cat’s out of the bag...”

“You had to have known somebody would figure it out.”

“Oh, we did. And I didn’t know about it until AFTER Albert was born. Jessica, Kara, and I had been married nearly five years when I confronted Al about it.”

“How did you figure it out?”

“I didn’t; well, not exactly. I figured out there was some big secret he and Jessica were keeping from everyone, so I went to his office and boldly told him I knew. The bluff worked, and he told me the story, thinking I already knew.”

“Gutsy move.”

“I play enough poker that running a bluff comes second-nature. But I am very careful who I do that with and why I do it. Good relationships can’t be based on bluffs.”

“No, they can’t. What are you going to do if someone says something in public? Or calls you out on the issue?”

“I don’t know, really. It would create a potential nightmare scenario for both Al Barton and Jess. The kids don’t know, by the way, because we can’t run the risk of an innocent comment by one of them spilling the beans.”

“You should probably have a strategy.”

“It’s something we’ve talked about, but there really isn’t anything we can do at this point. Well, I suppose Al Barton could leave his job, but it would still cause trouble for Jess. If someone accuses her of having an affair with Al, a DNA test will prove I’m Albert’s dad. And we’ll pass it off as a weird coincidence.”

“And if someone asks you the same question I did?”

“Denial. YOU caught me off guard. But you also did me a favor - I won’t let THAT happen again. And now, I think I need to get to bed.”

I downed the last of my water and coughed it back up in a spluttering mess because of the NEXT thing Mary said.

“Want some company?” she asked.

It took me a minute before I caught my breath, as I was coughing and choking on the last swallow of water.

“Damn you!” I barely managed to get out. “You got me twice!”

“I take it people don’t usually catch you out?”

“No, they don’t. But you’re taking advantage of my caution because of your concern about dual relationships.”

“Not fighting fair?”

“And speaking of cursing, please don’t use that extremely offensive word.”

“What?”

“There is exactly one word which is banned from my house and that is the ‘f’ word. And it’s not ‘fuck’! In fact, I’m OK with Jesse saying ‘Fuck you!’ to me if he has good cause, which someday he will, but I am NOT OK with him saying ‘fair’.”

“Whoa!” Mary said, shaking her head. “I haven’t seen you that vehement about anything! What’s wrong with that word?”

“It’s used by whiners who can’t get what they want by their own efforts and demand that they be given special treatment. The phrase ‘not fair’ is nearly always used when someone wants a deus ex machina where the results are reversed by fiat by the ‘hand of God’ or some authority figure. I don’t tolerate that kind of thinking in any way, shape or form.”

“But what if something is truly unfair?”

“Life is like that - you overcome, you adapt, you improvise. If something is actually unjust, you fight it tooth and nail. But ‘unjust’ is not what people mean when they say ‘not fair’. A concrete example is the statement that it’s ‘not fair’ that only the first, second, and third place teams get trophies. That’s led to participation trophies, and if you want to get an opinion on THOSE, ask Jesse. Just be prepared for a response equally as vehement as the one you just heard from me.”

“No ‘A for effort’ in your book?”

“No. Trying and failing is STILL failing. If someone studied hard for an exam in medical school and failed the test, should they get a passing grade because they studied hard?”

“Of course not,” Mary said fiercely. “That would be dangerous and foolish!”

“«Quod erat demonstrandum»!”

“But it’s just a game and that’s different!” she protested.

“Is it? Really? Where do kids learn the harsh lessons of life if not in school or in competitive endeavors like sports or chess or whatever? If we teach them to expect a reward no matter what, we aren’t doing them, or society, any favors. Everyone needs to learn how to win AND lose graciously and with dignity and respect. That’s preparation for life. If we, as adults, don’t remember that, we’re going to fuck up society so badly we won’t recognize it!”

“I hadn’t thought of it quite that way.”

“Unfortunately, many people don’t. Let me put a finer point on it - should the person who graduated last in your medical school have had an equal chance for the top Residencies? Perhaps just do it by random assignment without regard to knowledge or skill?”

“You’ve made your point,” Mary said. “I simply hadn’t thought of it in those terms.”

“Then my work is done here,” I grinned. “It’s time for bed.”

“OK.”

I smiled and shook my head, “I won’t fall for that twice.”

“You assume I’m playing with you?”

“It’s the safest assumption. I also happen to think I’m correct. What could you possibly gain from going to bed with me?”

Mary smirked, “According to Jessica, an expert fucking like no other on this planet!”

“Mary...” I said with a soft sigh.

“She didn’t encourage me, if that’s what you’re thinking. I simply asked her, after the Halloween party, what it was that Liz was after.”

“And, speaking a bit out of school, Jessica is wrong. That’s the LAST thing Liz was looking for.”

“Wait! I thought you two...”

“Yes, but Jessica’s description doesn’t accurately describe what happens between Liz and me.”

“You’ve lost me.”

“Liz doesn’t want to be fucked, she wants to be loved, physically. The two things are VERY different.”

“‘Please, demonstrate how this is accomplished.‘“ Mary smirked.

I laughed, “I believe Doctor Pulaski’s response was ‘Not likely.’ I didn’t know you were a Star Trek: TNG fan.”

“I’m not really into science fiction, but I enjoyed Captain Picard.”

“I didn’t have much use for Doctor Pulaski though, despite that quote.”

“Let me guess, redheads?”

“I will admit that Doctor Crusher was smoking hot,” I replied evenly. “And I suspect you like sexy, bald captains?”

“Riker was a rake; Picard was cultured and suave.”

“Listen to you with the fifty-cent words! But you have to know I’m more Riker than Picard, in that sense.”

“Horses for courses, as they say.”

“Fun versus relationship?”

“I know you’re a guy, but wouldn’t you think Riker was the guy to have fun with and Picard was the guy to grow old with?”

“I suppose. I’m just a bit confused. You’ve had me off balance for the last twenty minutes.”

“Not normal for you?”

“Girls used to do that to me in High School, and to a lesser extent in college. Ten years in business, and seven kids, have taught me to be pretty much unflappable.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment, then.”

“You should. And you mentioned Halloween; didn’t you say they weren’t impressive?”

“No, I didn’t. I said that they aren’t as impressive as you all think! Those two things are VERY different!”

I chuckled, “Nice way to turn my own words back on me.”

“It’s not my fault your memory was faulty.”

“I do remember the dance,” I said. “And after this little bout of verbal jousting, I have to ask, was that dance a seduction attempt?”

“I was curious what you would do. I’d seen your dance with Liz, and some with other girls as well. But the one with Liz really got my attention.”

“And you had to prove something to yourself? Or test me?”

“It wasn’t a test. I wouldn’t have been offended if you had made any kind of suggestive remark.”

“Were you disappointed?”

Mary smiled, “You didn’t need words to make your point, so to speak.”

“You said it was a normal physiological reaction. Do you think it’s controllable when an attractive female is dancing just close enough for her body to rub against mine?”

“I don’t think you’re that easy; I think you have to actually be attracted to the girl and want her.”

“And how do you know THAT?” I asked.

“I watched you pretty much the entire evening. I can’t quite put my finger on what it was, but I could tell the difference between girls you are truly attracted to versus the ones you simply danced with.”

“I think it’s a bit more complicated than that, but I’ll certainly stipulate I have some control over my reactions, despite your claim that it was a ‘normal physiological reaction’. A statement, by the way, which you just repudiated.”

“Ever hear that it’s a woman’s prerogative to change her mind?”

“Arbitrarily changing your mind isn’t the sign of a good scientist, Doctor Whittaker.”

“True. I thought you were going to bed.”

“I was, until someone decided to upend the apple cart with a simple response that had a ton of implied meaning.”

“Why not just send me away then and there? Why carry on the conversation?”

“Because of how this started. It was clear, in the first thirty seconds, that you need a friend, and you thought I’d be a good one. And I want to be your friend, which means actually listening to what you say and hearing what you say, even if all that comes out of your mouth is ‘OK’. Those two letters represented a lot more than just the simple sounds, or even the meaning of that expression. Among other things, it said you needed to talk more than I needed to sleep. And more, too.”

“Go on,” she encouraged.

“It also made completely clear that if I asked you, you would go to bed with me. That was obvious. But it also expressed the sentiment that if I said ‘no’ and sent you away, that you wouldn’t be upset or angry. Unfulfilled, maybe, but not upset. But you were also totally conflicted about the entire thing. But I think I can identify the core issue here, and it comes down to a single word: loneliness.

“You’re lonely and you want my company. It might be, and I suspect it is, that sex is a means to an end. It’s not sex, per se, but closeness that you crave. You think, and I totally get this, that sex is the way to get that closeness you need. And you also think, and again, you’re correct, that I use sex to get close to women; to bond with them. And I think you had that idea, at least in the back of your mind, when you asked about coming to the tournament. Does that about sum it up?”