Chapter 26: Three In A Tub

October 20, 1996, Rutherford, Ohio

The girls erupted in fits of giggles at my double entendre.

“Handsome AND funny!” Summer observed.

“What?” I asked innocently. “I was talking about the pizza!”

“Of COURSE you were,” Autumn tittered.

“It’s not MY fault if your mind is in the gutter,” I replied.

“Oh, please! Give me a break! You meant it the way we took it!” Summer exclaimed, laughing again.

“I simply meant I would very much enjoy the varied flavors of each of the seasons, that’s all.”

“Of the GIRLS!” Winter declared.

“I totally understand the concept of hospitality, and I’ll eat whatever is set before me,” I said in a flat tone of voice.

“I bet!” Autumn laughed.

“I’m not sure why this is so funny,” I continued. “One should always be willing to eat something new and proper etiquette means making sure you finish! And of course, not leaving the table until everyone has finished!”

The girls all laughed or giggled again.

“That’s some pretty serious boasting!” Autumn declared.

“You three realize he’s just messing with you, right?” Brooke interjected. “He knows what he’s doing!”

“Me?” I protested. “I was just being polite and talking about the offer of pizza!”

“Complete with every double entendre you could muster!”

“Oh, I don’t know about that,” I smirked. “I could have worked in a four-course meal or any number of food references that served the same purpose!”

“And you knew we’d take it as sexual innuendo.”

“Is that some kind of Italian sex position?” I smirked.

The girls all laughed again.

“He’s fun, Winter!” Autumn declared.

“So, which of the quattro stagioni do you like best?” Brooke asked in a lilting voice.

I made a point of looking intently at each girl - Winter, with her light brown hair; Autumn with her dark brown hair; Summer with blonde hair; and Brooke with strawberry blonde hair. The three sisters all had similar body styles, though Autumn was more voluptuous. Brooke was athletic and had very small breasts to which her t-shirt clung, revealing she wasn’t wearing a bra. My survey finished, I answered.

“Honestly, I prefer the artichokes,” I replied, causing the girls to laugh.

I wondered if they caught the veiled reference to Brooke, or ‘Spring’. On the pizza, the artichokes referred to ‘Spring’, the tomatoes and basil to ‘Summer’, the mushrooms to ‘Autumn’, and the olives and ham to ‘Winter’. Brooke was the proverbial ‘Steve type’ as Elyse liked to call it, and certainly of the four, was the one I was most attracted to, if I set aside the resemblance between Winter and Jennifer Jason Leigh.

“Do you give a straight answer to ANY question?” Autumn asked.

“Oh, I can be VERY straight when it’s called for!” I said with a silly grin.

“So that’s a ‘no’ then?” she asked with a soft laugh.

“Trust me, just about every single word in the English language can have a hidden sexual meaning because Americans are, in general, a bunch of prudes! But it’s not just us, really. We come by it honestly. There was a phrase used in the early 1900s in England - ‘said the actress to the bishop‘. I suspect you can guess the modern version.”

“That’s what she said!“ Brooke laughed. “Saturday Night Live uses that in the Wayne’s World sketches, like when Wayne says ‘Hey, are you through yet? ‘Cause I’m getting tired of holding this’ and Garth says that phrase in response.”

“Exactly.”

“Do you live close to Aurora?”

I nodded, “It’s in the Western Suburbs.”

“So really everything can have a double meaning?” Summer asked.

“Think about it. If I say, ‘that tastes great’ and you add the phrase, what does it mean?”

“Duh!” Summer said, laughing. “I guess I can see that.”

“No you can’t!” I smirked.

The girls all laughed again.

“I see what you did there!” Brooke interjected.

“You like to watch?” I asked with an arched eyebrow.

“Oh stop!” she snickered.

“Don’t you mean don’t stop?” Autumn teased.

“I can see this getting completely out of hand,” Winter laughed.

“It’s not IN your hand!” I replied flatly, setting off another round of tittering.

“I think it’s best to keep our mouths shut at this point,” Autumn said with a smirk.

“Bummer!” I chuckled.

“And you could handle all four of us?”

I shrugged, “I think so. But given the circumstances, and my insistence on a current STD test, that’s not likely to happen.”

“All joking aside, rubbers are effective protection,” Brooke replied.

“Unfortunately, they aren’t,” I replied. “Any exchange of bodily fluids can transmit STDs. And while it’s very rare, even kissing can transmit diseases if you have a cut or sore in your mouth. And oral sex, even with proper barriers, can still lead to an exchange of fluids. Add to that the fact that some diseases can be transmitted without the carrier even knowing they have it, which makes HIV and hepatitis C even more dangerous.”

“I didn’t know that!”

“Rubbers are good for birth control, when used properly, and do provide a good level of protection against STDs, but they aren’t perfect in either case. The only perfect method is complete abstinence, including no kissing, no transfusions, and no IV drugs use. Beyond that, monogamy is very, very effective, so long as you both are tested before you begin your relationship. The blood supply is relatively safe, but screening methods aren’t perfect. And of course, if you use IV drugs like heroin, all bets are off.”

“You seem to be pretty knowledgeable,” Autumn said.

“My wife is a medical doctor and one of my closest friends does counseling for women who have been sexually abused. They’re both pretty adamant about regular testing, with the frequency based on your risk. So a married, monogamous couple who didn’t need transfusions or use drugs might get tested before they married and not worry about it after. On the other end of the spectrum are high-risk people who need regular testing, usually every three months, sometimes more often.”

“So I could have an STD and not know it?” Summer asked.

“Yes. If you haven’t been tested, your risk is basically defined by everyone you had sex with, everyone they had sex with, and so on. Being a technical virgin doesn’t help if you had an exchange of bodily fluids. I’ll give you an example - my friend Doctor Bethany Krajick has a documented case of a fifteen-year-old being pregnant but not having had actual intercourse. She and her boyfriend were fooling around, kind of halfway between third and home, if you will. He ejaculated outside her vagina, but, in the words of Doctor Ruth Westheimer, one of the sperm was a ‘qvick vun’ and the next thing you know is a virgin birth.”

“She lied!” Brooke protested.

I shook my head, “According to the doctor her hymen was intact.”

“So virgin birth for real!” Autumn said, shaking her head.

“Yes. And that’s one way you could get an STD without actually having intercourse.”

“It sounds like you’re saying we all need to get tested,” Summer said.

“If you’ve engaged in ANY risky behavior, and I don’t mean that in a judgmental way, then yes. And that means intercourse, oral sex, manual stimulation, and so on. Any exchange of bodily fluids, even if you’re technically a virgin.”

“No virgins living in THIS house, technical or otherwise!” Autumn laughed.

“Wait!” Brooke gasped. “Wife? But you and Winter ... Winter?!”

I held up my hand, “Don’t get on her case. I have what you might call an open marriage and anything that might, or might not, have happened with Winter is covered by my agreement with my wives.”

“Wives? Agreement? Talk about a line!”

“No line,” I said, taking my wallet from my pants pocket.

I extracted the plastic holder that contained pictures of the kids and their moms and handed it to Brooke.

“These are all yours? The kids AND the moms?”

I shook my head, “No. Jesse, that’s the oldest boy, has two moms. His mom and I were High School sweethearts, but she’s a lesbian. She’s living in a committed relationship with another woman. I helped them have Jesse. Matthew and Michael, the next two boys, are sons of a close friend of mine who is also the CFO of my company. She’s in a committed relationship with another guy and has been for a few years. We were never married.

“The other four kids - my three daughters and my youngest son - are kids by my wives, two by each. My legal wife, Jessica, the one with the strawberry blonde hair, is the trauma surgeon and Ashley and Albert are hers. Our wife, Kara, is the chemistry professor, and Birgit and Stephie are hers. The three of us had a joint marriage ceremony, though legally I’m only married to Jessica. But that’s just paperwork for the state; it’s a true three-way marriage with all that implies.”

“Talk about a guy’s wet dream!” Summer laughed.

“Nah, he was having one before when he was teasing us about eating «le quattro stagioni»!” Brooke said with a smirk.

“Perhaps,” I grinned.

“And they seriously let you fool around?”

“It’s not ‘let’ the way I think you mean it. It was the agreement when the three of us chose to marry. There was more to it, but honestly, yes, I have almost complete freedom. There are rules, including the STD tests, and some girls have to be off-limits, such as the ones who work at my company.”

“Let me get this straight,” Brooke continued. “If all four of us would have had STD tests, you’d have been down for that?”

“Up,” I smirked, “and I’d certainly have considered it!”

“Little sis,” Summer said sweetly, “just how good IS he?”

Winter smiled like the cat who ate the canary, but said nothing.

“She has nothing to compare it to,” Autumn said. “So she has no idea.”

“With that look?” Brooke asked with a knowing smile. “I’d say Winter’s new friend here comported himself quite well. I mean, after all, you’d know how good he made you feel, even if he was your first!”

The conversation toned down a bit at that point as I answered questions about my family, my work, and karate, though there were plenty of opportunities for double entendres of which we all occasionally took advantage. The pizza was fantastic, and I did, indeed, sample all four seasons - of pizza.

After dinner, Winter and I said ‘good night’ and went out to my car for the drive back to the motel.

“That was fun!” Winter said. “Is your house like that?”

“Worse!” I chuckled. “The kids are bigger smart asses than I am!”

“You know my next question without me asking.”

“Would I?” I chuckled. “The answer is I don’t know.”

“I mean, assuming they all had their tests?”

“I’m careful about speculative answers because quite often it’s easier to THINK about doing something than to actually do it.”

“You won’t answer the hypothetical?”

“You’re assuming all three of them would agree, well, you too, assuming you wanted to. I suppose the best way to answer that is I’d be open to that kind of suggestion. But I’ve also had a lot of experiences where there is a lot of teasing and no follow-through. There’s a wide gap between teasing and doing. I flirt and tease a lot with the wife of one of my friends, and one of my wives flirts and teases a lot with that woman’s husband, but we’d never, ever do that because their marriage couldn’t handle it.”

“So your friends don’t have multiple wives or husbands or whatever?”

“No. None of my friends, actually. We’re the outliers. I can’t imagine you know too many people with relationships like mine.”

“True. Mrs. Reynolds says a bunch of the doctors at the hospital have affairs, but those are hidden, I guess.”

“And given what I’ve seen at the hospitals where my wife works, I think Liz, Mrs. Reynolds, is correct!”

“She always says her brother is a total straight arrow, though. He gets hit on by nurses but he’d never stray from his wife.”

“Most of my guy friends are like that, too. And it is the norm, though I do have a problem with the fact that Jennifer and Josie can’t legally marry.”

“You think gays should be allowed to marry?”

“Why not? Is it any business of mine, really? I honestly don’t care what the government says about it, but it’s not right that someone has to pay a higher tax rate because they love and are committed to someone of the same sex and the government doesn’t approve.”

“I didn’t realize.”

“Because it’s never put forward that way. It’s always about ‘supporting marriage’ or whatever with tax breaks and lower rates. Single people pay higher taxes than married people do with the same income, and homeowners pay lower taxes than people of the same income who rent. The system is basically rigged to force behavior the government likes and discourage behavior the government doesn’t like.”

“I had no idea!”

“Most people don’t.”

“I think I want to come visit you. I think I could learn a lot from you and your family. And not just in bed!”

I chuckled, “There’s the sauna, the hot tub, the porch swing...”

“When can I visit?”

“Whenever you’re ready. You have your own car, right?”

“Yes, the Probe is mine. I bought it when I was sixteen using money I’d saved babysitting since I was ten as a down payment. I have two years left on it, but the payments are really low.”

“Five-speed or automatic?”

“Five-speed, of course! Who drives an automatic?”

I chuckled, “You’d be surprised. I saw a Corvette with an automatic transmission not too long ago in Chicago.”

“Why?”

“My question exactly! Anyway, you could drive up whenever you want, stay for a few days, and talk with my wives and the other moms.”

“Your live-in nannies, did they have their own room?”

“Yes. It’s just off the kitchen with its own bathroom right next door. That’s where you could stay when you visit to get a feel for it.”

“And your nannies, did you sleep with them, too?”

“The first one, no; the second one, regularly; the third one, once, after she left our employ. And that second one, we were already lovers when she became our nanny. In fact, you can thank that second one for your education!”

“How so?”

“She’s a close friend and confidante, and married to another friend who builds cars for a NASCAR team. I called her on Sunday morning after you made it exceedingly clear what you wanted. She and I have had many conversations about stuff like this in the past. She was pretty clear that I should give you what you wanted, and in such a way that you couldn’t walk, talk, or even think straight!”

“And you did! I swear, you switched between screwing me and eating me and it was like non-stop orgasms! I actually feel sorry for my sisters!”

“Oh?”

She smirked, “Summer’s was in the backseat of a car when she was seventeen. It was very cramped and very quick. Autumn’s was when she was, uhm, younger, and with a guy who had never done it before. She said it was horrible. I’m POSITIVE I had the best first time of any of them!”

I wondered just how much younger, but it wasn’t my place to ask.

“You know about Brooke, too?”

Winter laughed, “She was dating a football player in High School. She said the first time, after her Junior Prom, was pretty bad because they were each other’s first time, but once they got the hang of it after a few tries, it was awesome!”

“And you haven’t shared?”

“Only with Vickie. Maybe after you leave I’ll tell them about it, though not in as much detail as I shared with Vickie!”

“She’s your best friend?”

“Second best. I can’t talk about stuff like this with my best friend because she gets upset.”

“Very conservative?”

“Not at all! She wants to, but she’s, uhm, chubby and plain, and guys don’t like her. Her personality is ... I’m not sure the right word.”

“Abrasive?” I asked, thinking of Elizabeth.

“Yeah, like sandpaper!”

“I have a friend she might want to talk to. Someone who matches what you just said. And someone who has a boyfriend. Part of it is taking off the rough edges and ignoring the assholes.”

“I’m not suggesting this, but would you?”

I grinned, “The very same question my friend Elizabeth asked. She didn’t ‘do’ married guys, as she put it, so we never found out whether I would or not. In the end, it’s about the right kind of attraction. I, like everyone else, have a ‘type’ that is most attractive, but I find plenty of girls who don’t fit that type attractive as well. And it’s more complicated than just good looks.”

“What’s your type, if you don’t mind my asking.”

“Physically? Vickie or Brooke. Personality? Yours.”

“Really? You like girls with tiny boobs?”

“Believe it or not, yes.”

“And you’d have sex with a girl who was overweight and plain?”

“Remember what I said about hypothetical questions? It would depend on a lot of things. But please don’t suggest that. I’ve had some trouble in the past where girls have tried to line up sex partners for me and that hasn’t worked too well in most instances. I was a bit worried when Vickie showed up that you had suggested it to her.”