Chapter 8

Classes started.

I received a text message from Risa when the girls returned. All I felt was a kind of numb emptiness. I thanked her for letting me know.

In the middle of the second week, I turned a corner and saw Anna and Risa. I turned around and picked a different path. That Friday, Risa called me and asked if she could come over. I’d thought about how I would reply to that, and decided that I could be friends, but I could no longer be her lover. I needed to not dig that pit any deeper.

Risa looked hesitant when I opened the door.

“How are you?” she asked as she stepped in.

“Mostly numb,” I replied, offering her a seat. She sat her bag down and hugged me. I stiffened at first, but wrapped my arms around her anyway. She really was trying to be a friend. I couldn’t relax though. My posture remained stiff.

She stopped after a moment, stepping back and looking at me, a frown on her face.

“What’s wrong?” I couldn’t help it; a short bitter laugh escaped me. Several things popped into my head to say, but I shot them down as quickly as they appeared. Again, Risa was trying to be a friend. Making an ass of myself wasn’t going to help anything.

“I...” I sighed, “I hurt. It isn’t anyone’s fault, but I can’t stop feeling...” I was searching for the right word, and the seconds passed quietly before I finally said, “Cheated,”

“Oh Eric,” the deep sadness in her voice cut me to the quick.

“It’s OK. Or at least it will be,” I tried, “There isn’t anything anyone can do. But I can’t pretend that you two aren’t going to leave me in a few months,” The numbness no longer permitted tears. My numbness had nothing on Risa tough, tears flowing freely down her cheeks.

“We never meant to hurt you,” she began, and you could see her falter, the phrase feeling trite on her lips.

“No one meant to hurt anyone,” I offered.

“What can we do to help Eric?” she looked pleadingly at me.

“I don’t think there is anything that can be done... , “ I’d almost called her my angel. She swallowed a sob, her head hanging low.

“What should I do? Now I mean. Tonight,” she asked after a couple of minutes.

“I can be your friend. I will always be your friend, yours and Anna’s both,” I stated, “But I just can’t be your lover. I’ve learned I am an all or nothing kind of guy,”

“All or nothing?”

“I just can’t do casual sex. It feels like a lie to me,” I explained, “Like I am pretending or my partner is pretending, or both of us, I can’t explain it better than that. Either you are mine, or you are not mine. My heart can’t see any middle ground,”

“Should I go,” she asked.

“Only if you want to. I’ve missed you. I’ve missed both of you. But I can’t keep myself open to this inevitable pain. At least this way I feel like I have some control back,”

Risa nodded, “I don’t think I can stay, and not be in your arms,” she explained, and then gathered her things. I walked her to the door, and before she left, she kissed me softly, looking into my eyes. “I know in your head you understand, but know that we both hurt too. This wasn’t some game. I understand how you feel, and I respect it, but not being able to be with you hurts,” and then she left.

I had no idea what to think about that. Was she scolding me, or was she trying to tell me something else. I don’t know. I have never understood women.

Despite Risa explaining things to Anna, Anna didn’t accept that I was going to be left alone. Risa was to make time to be with me no matter how much it hurt. I wondered if Anna had a sadistic streak in her. Risa offered that Anna couldn’t comfort me herself so she sent her in her place.

“You don’t have to do this Risa,” I offered.

“I know you don’t understand Eric, but I do,”

“You are your own person, Risa,”

“Yes. But this is a cultural thing Eric. Don’t try to make sense of it. I think at least this way Anna has a way of staying connected to you. If I stopped, Anna would be cut off. She loves you. She just can’t find a way to be with you,”

Strangely enough, it did help. It hurt like hell, but it did help. The child in me quit acting like they had betrayed me. I still felt cheated, but it became a dull pain; something that I could live with even if I didn’t like it.

Spring break came and went, and we were finally down to the last few weeks of school again. I was doing well in my classes despite my heart being ripped apart. The assignments gave me something to focus on other than my pain. Risa and I would meet most afternoons for tea, just to stay up to date. I was told that Anna would be marrying a man who was several years older than her, but was a very kind man. He wanted her to continue her education in Tokyo. He was going to pay for it himself.

Anna liked him, but admitted to not feeling any passion. He needed a wife to progress in the company, and was considered a very loyal and competent employee. Very high praise for a company man. He was hoping for a son, but didn’t want to push it with Anna, willing to wait until she had finished her schooling.

Risa admitted that she thought that he was willing to pay for more school because it would make her happy, a bribe for her compliance. I didn’t know what to think about that. Risa also admitted that if Anna had an advanced degree that it would be easier for her to return to the states to work.

“I won’t put myself in the middle of a marriage,” I told her. The idea of injecting myself into a marriage gave me a sick feeling. Life can have a way of biting you in the ass if you started playing games like that.

“You don’t know what the future holds Eric,” she scolded me gently, “It would be better for her to have the degree so that her future has better options, like being able to work here. She may not always be married either,” she stated. I didn’t like that idea either. It felt too calculated.

“And you Risa?” I prompted. She looked at me for a minute.

“Would you want me?” she asked after a moment, her eyes questioning.

“I would keep you forever, and you know that,” I stated. Risa smiled her happy smile at me. It was the first time I had seen it in months.

“Yes, I do know that. Would you want me even without Anna?” she looked at me.

“I would keep you forever if I could,” I stated again. Her eyes got very bright, a single tear escaping. “I love you both. If I could know the whole truth, I could be in love with you,”

It was a somewhat sore topic of conversation. I loved them. But I could not be truly in love with them unless I knew what secrets they were hiding. They understood, but they couldn’t share their secrets because it was a family matter, and I was not seen as family. And somewhere in the mess of emotions and thoughts I couldn’t help but think that in a fair world they would have been allowed to be together for their own sakes.

So there it stayed. Parts of their lives locked away from me that I wouldn’t be able to access. It grated on me, but I had become practiced in reminding myself to let it go. God grant me the courage and all of that.

“If I can find my way to you Eric, I will give myself to you,” she quietly declared. My heart lurched and I reached out to take her hand. Her words made me want to scream while at the same time gather her up into my arms.

“Please, be patient with us Eric,” Risa continued, “Don’t give up on us. At least... , “ she sighed, after a moment continuing, “I can’t ask that of you,” and she squeezed my hand.

No, she couldn’t ask that of me. But maybe I could be patient for a little while. It wasn’t like I felt ready to start dating again. And that meant that it wouldn’t cost me anything. If someone did come into my life that made me forget my two angels, I would simply tell them, and hope that they would be grateful.

The simple truth is that life goes on. Through both pain and joy, life continues. I would heal from this pain as I healed from the loss of my mother; as I continued to heal from the loss of my father.

The Friday night before final exams, I heard a knock on my door.

Anna stood there when I opened the door, her beautiful, large eyes ringed in red. My heart leaped when I saw her, but then tears in her eyes made my heart lurch. She was shaking. I pulled her into my arms and held her. Her face buried in my chest, she started sobbing.

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” she almost chanted, “I can’t do it. I’m not strong enough!”

“What are you talking about?” I stroked her hair and led her inside, closing the door behind us.

“I can’t leave without seeing you again. I can’t. You are my safe place Eric. I can’t leave without being with you one last time,” she explained through her tears. My mind was torn and scattered.

“Shhh! Shhh! It’s OK. It’s OK,” I tried to sooth her. I guided her to my bed, the only place in my dorm large enough for both of us, and sat down with her in my lap. I rocked her gently as I stroked her hair cradling her in my lap like a lost child.

We stayed like that for a while. I rocked her in my arms whispering to her that everything was going to be all right. She pressed herself into me like a scared child.

She calmed slowly. I took the time to try and gather the scattered bit of my mind and piece them together. Seriously, what the fuck?

“Anna, I don’t want to ... stress you, but you aren’t supposed to be here,” I tried to begin gently, “If you get caught... , “ I left the last bit unsaid.

“I don’t care,” she mumbled, trying to burrow into me. OK, I wasn’t going to win with logic. I didn’t expect to, but I had to try.

“What happens if you get caught?” I tried again.

“I don’t care,” she stated again, a bit more forcefully. I kept stroking her hair. Ah, fuck me, I thought to myself. This kind of self-destructive behavior wasn’t going to go over well when she got back to Japan.

“What can I do to help?” I was going to have to use a different tactic. She was quiet for several minutes.

My own emotions spun recklessly, knocking every attempt to think rationally into the void. I wanted. And my wants attacked my reason. And a very dark part of my soul wanted to take. I did everything I could to quash it, but I cannot say that I was very successful in my attempt.

“I want you to punish me,” Anna finally spoke. There was a child like determination in her voice.

“Huh?” I articulated. I could be witty like that. Seriously though, that was not what I needed to hear. My darkness, the monster inside of me, seemed to purr in approval.

“I want ... I need you to punish me,” she stated in a remarkably calm voice. My hands trembled. The monster inside practically hummed in approval upon hearing her words. My wants started to creep into needs. I needed to do something to at least give me to illusion of control.

“Why do you want me to punish you?” I needed her to explain.

“I’ve betrayed you Eric. I’ve been a selfish ... cunt. I’ve hurt you,” she listed off, “And I need you,” she half sobbed, “I have a part of a plan. I’m not sure how it might work, but I need you to know just how seriously I take this. I need you to punish me. I need you to use me. I want to give my virginity to you so that you will always know that you were my first,”

I wondered if we were slipping into “The Twilight Zone” territory. The monster inside of me sat up. That part of me liked what Anna said. That part of me scared the shit out of me. It whispered things that I did not need to hear fraying my control further.

Anna looked up at me. Her little fingers touched my face. Her eyes drank me in. I knew she could see it in me. I know she saw the struggle too.

“You need to be convinced,” she noted, watching me.

“Sometimes you are too noble for your own good,” she kissed me softly, “You should be stripping my bottom bare, and spanking me like the spoiled child that I am,” her words making my cock stir, “I need you to do that. I need you to claim me. I need you to know that I am going to find a way to be yours,”

“I’m not... , “ I began but she put her finger to my lips to shush me. I felt conflicted by that, my eyebrow arching. How a woman can claim to want you to take control but still feel the need to tell you exactly how to do it has, to this day, boggled my mind. Strangely enough though, I kept quiet. Even the monster in me didn’t feel the need to point it out just yet.

“You fit me. You fit my needs. When I can be yours, I will explain everything to you. But you will need to find a way to adjust what you think is normal. I’ve tried to fight it, but you’ve shown me that I don’t need to; that I can be who I really am with you. I know now that I can be the woman that I want to be with a man, and know that I can be strong,”

The implications floored me. The monster inside of me grinned. I felt terrified and exhilarated. Could I really... ? It was best if I never finished that thought. At least not now. Now it was time to lead her past this and into something we could both enjoy.

“You need me to punish you, but I cannot punish you for the situation you are in,” I began, Anna’s frustration made her tense. I placed my finger on her lips this time. Fair is fair after all, “But I can love you. I can show you that I do believe you, and spank your bare bottom so that you will have that reminder. I can take your virginity and show you that I cherish your gift. I can give you this in hope that you will find a way back to me,”

I wish I knew how much of that I believed and how much of that I said to sidestep what the monster wanted. It was a negotiation between my monster and what I knew was coming. She might want to give me her virginity, but I also knew that she was leaving me to marry another man no matter what else she said.

She smiled a contended smile. I was lost. I was lost and I didn’t care. Anna wanted to be mine, and she said she was going to fight to find a way to be with me. Damn selfish of me, I thought to myself, but I didn’t care.

I stripped her out of her sweat pants. She hadn’t bothered to wear any panties. Her beautiful, round ass lay across my lap and I stroked her skin with my fingers. She shivered with anticipation.

I brought my hand down hard. I hadn’t even thought to do it, the moment just felt correct and I acted. Anna hissed and then exhaled softly. I softly caressed the red hand print. Anna moaned softly as I caressed the mark. I liked seeing my mark on her. I stuck her other cheek, another bright red hand print appearing. Anna moaned softly again. I caressed this new mark as well, entranced by the sight of the blood rushing to her skin. The monster purred and guided me, though I refused to let it take control.