Chapter 33: You Don’t Think I Will?

December 6, 1994, Sydney, Australia

“That’s a nice heavy load to lay on me,” I replied after I recovered from the shock of what she’d said.

“You can’t REALLY be surprised by that, can you?”

I sighed, “No, I guess I can’t. It fits every single thing you’ve said or done. You simply can’t get past the idea that once my penis was in your vagina, it excluded all others for all time.”

“That’s putting things a bit clinically, don’t you think?”

“It was safer to say that than whatever other thing I might have said without stopping to think about it. But it’s true that you and Kara both believe that the penis that tore your hymen is the only one that could ever enter you, no matter what. Kara could never have gone to a monastery, but she certainly would have become a spinster, and led a completely unfulfilled life because she couldn’t have children. We’ve talked, hypothetically, about that, and in the end, I don’t think her maternal instincts would have overcome that core belief. I don’t agree with it, but it is what the two of you believe.”

“But not Jessica.”

I smiled, “No. Jessica’s issue is one of worthiness. No guy ever measured up, so to speak, that she’d give him the first chance!”

That wasn’t QUITE true, because there was the issue of her non-half-brother, or however one wanted to interpret that situation. And then there was the question of Jorge, who probably WAS worthy in her mind, based on everything that had been said, but certainly no others in her entire life.

“I certainly wouldn’t compare myself to Jessica, but you know Kara and I are very close. We can’t be THAT close because it’s simply a step I can never take. The same as Elyse. Which is what REALLY left her with the option she chose. It’s taken me some time, but I truly see that you could never have been happy without something like the setup you have with Jessica and Kara, despite all the trials and tribulations. I THINK, that as of the last blowup, you finally have it in a place you can manage. Mostly because of Jessica.”

“It’s more complicated than that,” I said. “Yes, Jess has her issues, but you have to admit I’m not the easiest person to live with.”

“No kidding,” Michelle said deadpan. “That’s been clear since day one!”

“And yet...”

“There was a thin membrane which needed a very specific touch from you, and you only. It was always there for you, from the time I was little. Destiny. Fate. Whatever you want to call it. Our lives were always on a collision course for you to break that barrier.”

“Now you sound like Elizabeth.”

“Maybe, but as you say, the universe is far more complicated than simple electro-biochemical reactions that can only result in one outcome. And yet, the long series of events in our lives brought us to where we are. Freddy Colombo tried to take something that was rightfully yours, and karma took care of it.”

“Now you’re sounding more Buddhist than Orthodox!”

“You, yourself, have pointed out the similarities in worldview.”

“So I had no choice?” I asked.

“Sure you did. You could have told Kara not to have the naked Rap Session. Once you saw me, and I saw you, we passed the point of no return. You know that. I know that. Kara knows that. It would have been the same with her if she’d not encountered you until later and had a similar situation.”

“Perhaps,” I said. “Her father might have married her off to Kent van der Meer’s son by then.”

“She’d have run away from home, just as she did when he tried that AFTER you and she made love. Please don’t take this the wrong way, but her running away had nothing to do with you, per se, but everything to do with not allowing her father to control her.”

“Those two things went hand-in-hand. She knew I’d help her break from the glass cage he had her in. She wanted that from the first day I sat down next to her in chemistry class. Her struggle was with the brainwashing she’d been subjected to.”

“Just as I was. Her church seems to have been a bit more effective at it.”

“Because Catholics don’t generally shun the world. She was lucky they didn’t send her to a private Christian school. Most of the families in that church were middle class and couldn’t really afford it.”

“Which let them meet you and be set free. Much as it did me. Or Becka. Or some other girls in the past, if I understand the hints Kara has dropped at times.”

“Yes. Fundamentally, some of those girls saw losing their virginity as a way to break their fathers’ control over them and I provided a convenient option. It worked out well a few times, but once was an unmitigated disaster.”

“The pastor’s daughter who became pregnant?”

“You and Kara HAVE talked a lot.”

“That came up because her friend wanted Josh and her friend’s brother wanted her, and you interfered.”

I chuckled, “I introduced Josh and Mary. He had his mind blown.”

“And something else, I’m sure,” Michelle laughed.

“Perhaps. I have no idea what went on between Josh and Mary. For all I know, they have had sex exactly one time, and that was to conceive Sandra!”

“Come on, you know better than that!”

“I can ASSUME a lot, but I don’t talk about stuff like that with guys. And not with girls unless there is a specific need to know.”

“You’re talking with me about it now.”

“You need to know. We’re trying to analyze our relationship and all these things matter. It’s why Jessica and Kara are allowed to read my journals. They know literally everything. From day one.”

“I’m not sure I’d want to. I can imagine there’s some pretty ugly stuff in your past.”

I nodded, “Yes. Becky being one of the primary ones. And Karin, too.”

Not to mention Stephanie, but that wasn’t something I was going to discuss with Michelle, or anyone else, ever again. We were finally past it and Stephanie and I were developing a proper ‘brother-sister’ relationship under the watchful eye of my wives and Ed Krajick. And with Stephanie talking every month to Doctor Mercer. We were making good progress, and by the time Samantha graduated, and Stephanie was to take over the reins at NIKA, we’d be where we needed to be.

“Those are your biggest regrets, aren’t they?”

“Yes. Becky for treating her like dirt and pushing her away. Karin for treating her like dirt and holding her close.”

“Giving her false hope?”

“Yes. I was never, ever going to be what she wanted. And I knew that early on. I just didn’t admit it to myself. And with Becky, well, I’ve told you that whole sordid affair about trying to take her virginity for laughs with Jennifer.”

“I have to say, it’s a good thing I never met THAT Steve Adams.”

“It drove Becky to attempt suicide. People blame her for fixating on me, but I blame myself for how it all started, and for being blind, cruel, and insensitive. Once I broke up with her, but couldn’t stay away, we were on a collision course with her suicide.”

“The flame to your moth?”

“Yes. My sister’s words, and a few others along the way. Stephanie didn’t like her, which didn’t help at all.”

“You sought refuge with Stephanie from your mom.”

“Yes. She provided the love I couldn’t get from my parents. And I loved her just as much. You see where she ended up once she graduated.”

“In Chicago, with you. And married to your Sweetheart’s brother.”

“They met when she was twelve. I thought he was going to have an orgasm when he first saw her.”

“She is stunningly beautiful!”

“And she’s my sister, so my opinion is a bit biased, but also jaded, if you know what I mean. But the point is, Stephanie didn’t like Becky, and Jennifer didn’t either. And because Becky fell hard for me, and I for her, they both saw her as a threat to Jennifer. Just as Stephanie saw Kara as a threat to Jennifer and arranged for Karin to come visit right after Jen dropped the bomb on me about Stanford. NOW I understand what was going on in Jennifer’s mind, but then? I had no clue. I didn’t, until she came to see me after Bethany’s accident.”

“You didn’t know she was a lesbian until midway through college, right?”

“Correct. Jennifer had confessed a bunch of stuff to me, but I never lined it all up until she started her relationship with Josie. Then I fully understood. If there was one major thing in my life I’d change, it would be that Jennifer could have known who and what she was in High School, and have been comfortable with it. Sadly, society fought her long and hard on the issue and is STILL fighting her, though not as much as they are fighting Larry and Drew.”

“With all the problems we have as a society, wasting even a single breath on fighting to keep people who love each other apart is the very definition of insane.”

“You’re preaching to the choir. But we’ve digressed again. Are you serious about those two options being the only ones?”

“Yes,” Michelle said firmly. “Honestly, if I can’t find a way to be a mom without having sex with another man, that is my solution. A life of contemplation and prayer. Remember why I came home.”

I nodded, “I do.”

“Have you changed your mind now because I’ve told you that?”

I shook my head, “No. I’m at a point where I can hear something like that and not feel guilty about the choice you make. I have to do what I think is right and let you decide what you think is right. Had I learned that lesson a long time ago, life would have been much easier.”

“Which is why you didn’t feel guilty about your employee, Rob; well, not too guilty.”

I nodded, “Karl helped me deal with that. He’s the one who wrote Nick’s orders for that TDY in Guam that led to him being in the wrong place at the wrong time.”

“Shall we get some lunch and see the city? We’ll have more time to talk later. And I don’t think we’ll resolve this today.”

“Probably not. Let’s go eat!”

December 8, 1994, Manly Beach, Sydney, Australia

“You don’t think I will?” Michelle asked, her hands on her hips.

“Well, color me shocked that you have on a bikini under those shorts and t-shirt, so at this point? I actually think you would!”

We walked down onto the beach and spread our towels. I pulled off my t-shirt and shorts, exposing my boxer-style bathing trunks. Michelle pulled off her shorts and t-shirt, then with a smirk, removed her bikini top. She reached into the large bag she’d brought and handed me a bottle of sun screen.

“I’ve seen this movie,” I chuckled as I squirted some onto my hands and began applying it.

“Sofia? Pia?”

“Good guess. Both.”

“I figured it had to be the Swedes. You didn’t go to South America or Turkey, which would have been the other two girls I could see doing that. And in the US, you can get a ticket for breastfeeding in public!”

“No kidding. One of Elyse’s hot buttons. She complains bitterly to every politician who comes by the house seeking election. If they refuse to endorse her idea, she refuses to vote for them. Period. She leaves quite a few offices with no vote on her ballots.”

“I’ve heard her on that topic,” Michelle said. “She’s about as strident as anyone.”

“If you think about it, bans on breastfeeding in public are flat-out stupid. As Elyse points out, women were breastfeeding before anyone even THOUGHT about making laws.”

I applied sunscreen to Michelle’s breasts, taking the opportunity to tweak her nipples.

“Now that’s downright mean!” she huffed.

“Just be glad it’s not a NUDE beach!” I chuckled.

“You did that in Saint Martin, right?”

“Yes. That was different. Fortunately, it was a very secluded place and difficult to get to so we had privacy.”

When I put sunscreen on Michelle’s legs, I made sure to brush my knuckles against her mons.

“Stop that!” she hissed.

“What?” I asked, doing it again, but with more pressure.

“Just wait! I know how to get even!”

“I can’t WAIT to see what THAT means!” I teased.

I finished with the sunscreen and Michelle did the same for me, though she didn’t try any ‘funny business’ which kind of surprised me, but knowing her, she had something else in mind. When she finished, we stretched out to get some sun, though I knew I had to be careful about how long I spent in direct sunlight.

December 9, 1994, Sydney, Australia

“Are we even now?” I chuckled.

“No! I can’t believe you!”

“What?”

“I got you close like five times and then simply stopped. And you never got frustrated!”

“Gee, you don’t think I might have been, but didn’t show you just so you couldn’t have the satisfaction?” I laughed.

“JERK!” she laughed.

“You keep using that word...” I grinned.

“And I know EXACTLY what it means, Inigo!”

“Did I tell you about Jesse smirking about hearing that word in church after he saw The Princess Bride?”

“No, but he told me about it. Are we still planning to go to Bondi Beach today?”

“Sure. Though I don’t think we need to spend nearly as long as we were at Manly. It was nice to walk around there and have lunch. But I believe you had other plans for lunch today!”

“Yes, you’re to have ME for lunch AND dinner. Though I suppose we’ll allow some food to keep your energy levels up.”

“Let’s go have breakfast so we can be on our way,” I said.

We went downstairs to the hotel restaurant for breakfast.

“Have you thought more about everything?”

I nodded, “Yes, but I don’t want to make a final decision until after I talk with Yoshiro. I need to make sure I’m right with myself before I make that kind of momentous decision.”

“I think you’re getting there, Steve. I’ve seen tremendous growth. And you’ve moved away from the atheism you were flirting with.”

“I was, wasn’t I?”

“You never would make that final leap that Elizabeth made, which is why I wasn’t worried. I think, in the end, that’s a surrender to meaninglessness that would destroy your soul.”

“She doesn’t believe I have one, and don’t you believe souls are indestructible?”

“They can’t be destroyed by anyone or anything, except our own selves. That’s the lowest level of hell. Soulless existence.”

“I hadn’t ever thought about it that way.”

“What would be the worst thing you could imagine? I think, for you, it would be being an automaton, programmed by the laws of physics to exist and carry out a program. For you, that would be sheer hell.”

“But isn’t control illusory?”

“Of everything except your own soul? Perhaps. But not that.”

“That sounds very much like something Yoshiro would say.”

Michelle smiled, “I read the Lotus Sutra I found in your study.”

I chuckled, “Of course you did.”

“I’m trying to meet you where you are spiritually. I know you can’t become Orthodox. And you won’t. But did you know that was Kara’s gravest fear at one point? That you would convert and set her aside?”

“It would never have happened.”

“You never know. People on spiritual journeys often do VERY strange things. Like running away to a monastery. Or going to Japan for five weeks and coming back transformed. The right, or wrong, event might have pushed you to do what Father Basil suggested, and Vladyka hopes for.”

“It’ll never happen. I’ll never leave either of them. And honestly, it would have been Jess who was ‘set aside’ if she’d formally broken our relationship by divorcing me. Kara and I talked, hypothetically, about that. If Jess had divorced me, Kara and I would have married legally.”

“We all thought that was where it was going to end up before the accident.”

“I know. Jorge was doing his damnedest to bring her back to me, including taking the kids to see her. He wasn’t making any visible progress. But he gave his life for us. I have no doubt about that.”

“You owe him a debt, don’t you?”

I nodded, “One I can never repay fully. The best I can do is pray for the repose of his soul in a place of verdure...”