Chapter 31: Flying Tiger

December 3, 1994, Chicago, Illinois to Los Angeles California

“I can’t believe how long we’re going to be flying!” Michelle said as we settled into our seats on the MD-80 that would take us to LAX.

I chuckled, “Four hours to LA; six hours to Hawaii; eleven hours to Sydney. My rough guess is we’ll get to the Cambridge Hotel around 10:00pm Sydney time. Tomorrow.”

“That’s crazy! Twenty-one hours in the air! We’re scheduled to leave at 6:00am Saturday and arrive 9:00pm Sunday?”

“You do remember how when I flew back from Japan I had lunch twice in the early afternoon on Saturday in both Tokyo and Los Angeles.”

“I do. I wish I could go to Japan with you, but I understand.”

“I really can’t take you to Oguni.”

“No girls allowed?”

“With the exception of Hiro-san’s wife and granddaughter, no. It’s a boy’s club if there ever was one. Other girls may visit, but only those two may stay.”

“What about Kara? Will she never be able to advance past 3rd Dan?”

“She hasn’t expressed a desire to be a full instructor, so at this point, it doesn’t matter. At some point, though, we’ll have to figure out how to handle women teachers. There’s nothing except ancient Japanese tradition standing in the way.”

The pilots spun up the engines and we pushed back from the gate. We paused our conversation for the safety briefing.

“Couldn’t you say the same thing about the Orthodox Church?” Michelle asked.

“I suppose, and in a way, both are based on spirituality; theology, if you will. It’s something I’ll need to talk to Sensei Jim about, for sure.”

“What about Sensei Hiro?”

“I’m not sure that’s a conversation I want to have with him, though I might ask Sensei Robert about it.”

“You should.”

“When did YOU turn into a feminist?” I chuckled.

“Says the man who has only females in the executive suite. And a female Chairman of the Board. And only a few male managers.”

“Purely based on merit,” I said. “As is the case with our Office Manager!”

“And your Executive Assistant!”

“Who cut her maternity leave short to handle the remodeling while we’re gone. We need to make that up to her.”

“I already talked to Elyse about that,” Michelle said. “Kimmy can use those days whenever she likes, and she’ll get full pay, instead of half.”

“Now you sound like me!”

“I just thought about what you would do, then did it. You mostly make very good decisions at work. It’s your private life where things get dicey.”

“So THAT’S how this is going to go,” I asked with a grin. “You have me trapped in planes for twenty-one hours or so and you can beat me soundly with two-by-fours the entire way!”

“And you don’t think you need it?”

“I probably do.”

We had taxied to the end of the runway. The pilots sounded the chimes, and a few seconds later, the MD-80 screamed down the runway and leapt into the air. Michelle reached over and took my hand.

“We’re a couple again. For ten days.”

“And then?” I asked.

“You have a decision to make.”

“Me? Not you?”

She shook her head, “Not me. You.”

“And if I make the wrong one?”

“We all suffer the consequences.”

December 3, 1994, Los Angeles, California to Honolulu, Oahu, Hawaii

“Does it count as being in Hawaii if I’m there for less than two hours on a layover and never leave the airport?” Michelle asked.

“I used to say I’d been to England and the Netherlands, but qualify it by saying it was only to change planes at Heathrow and Schiphol. I fixed that over the summer.”

“And most everything except how you view me.”

“I know. I just can’t break that one last mental block. And I don’t know how to do it!”

She leaned close and whispered, “If fucking me in the ass didn’t do it, I’m not sure what will.”

“I honestly can’t say. I’ve wracked my brain on this from the time we talked right before Europe until this very second. I just don’t get it.”

“I think the one thing which could do it is completely off the table. You and me having a baby together.”

“Something about as close to impossible as I can think of. They’re making advances in surgery to reverse the operation, but then Jess and Kara would have to go on the Pill, or we’d have to use rubbers or diaphragms, and neither of those are foolproof. I suppose they could have their tubes tied, which is what Elyse did. Not to mention there are no guarantees that the reversal surgery would work. Or that I could get you pregnant.”

“I can’t ask any of the girls to do something like that for me.”

“So?”

“Well, second best is for me to have a baby with someone else.”

“I haven’t found a suitable sailor as yet.”

“Maybe that’s part of the issue. Maybe, and I’m not sure about this, I need to pick the guy. And not even ask you what you think. But I’m not sure I can do that. It’s weird, but you’re not just a former lover, well, you’ll be one again for ten days. I can’t even really describe the relationship. It’s something like you and Samantha, though deeper and more spiritual.”

“That weird point between lover, daddy, or big brother? Though I suppose you could replace ‘daddy’ with ‘mentor’.”

Michelle shook her head, “Mentors don’t select or approve mates. You and Samantha had a very, very weird daddy/daughter thing at the same time you were lovers. Obviously it wasn’t incest, but there were undertones.”

I nodded, “She and I actually talked about that in detail. I don’t think you and I ever did.”

“Maybe that’s the source of the issue. We never really acknowledged the truth of our relationship.”

“Truth?”

“That same issue. You viewed me at times as a daughter, and at times as a lover. Just as you did Samantha.”

“She and I transitioned, but you and I didn’t.”

“Yes, but if I understand correctly from her, the transition was agreed before you entered into a relationship.”

“Not quite. We thoroughly revised our relationship after that whole debacle with Lisa Glass. Before then, we’d never really acknowledged it.”

“I hope we don’t need a murder to solve our problems.”

“That happened much later. This was the original debacle which had Samantha burning rubber for a full block along Woodlawn Avenue. When you were highly suspicious that I had slept with Lisa.”

“Were you ever tempted?” Michelle asked.

“By Lisa? Never! Believe it or not, I do have standards!”

“That’s true. You may be a male slut or a pussy hound, but you did have SOME standards.”

“You talked to Sofia?” I asked, surprised, even though I shouldn’t have been.

“I talked to EVERYONE, or almost everyone. While you were playing with those girls in Europe, I was talking to every single one of your former lovers I have access to.”

“Suddenly I fear for my life!”

“I received a long list from Elyse and talked to all the local girls, then made some phone calls.”

“Uh, OK.”

“There were a few we couldn’t track down. Two Kara had hoped I could talk to, we couldn’t find - Debbie V and Donna W.”

“I really wish I knew what happened to Donna W and Marcus.”

“Did anyone tell you about the call while you were away?”

“Which one?”

“A girl named Rosie called trying to track down Jorge.”

“Shit,” I sighed.

“She was truly saddened to hear he’d passed away. She asked about you, too.”

“How is she doing?”

“She’s married, has two kids, and she’s living in Indiana. She apparently thought about Jorge for some reason, and called while you were in Pittsburgh.”

“The day after the anniversary of his death? That’s a strange coincidence, but at this point, those kinds of things don’t surprise me.”

“The thought was actually the same day. She couldn’t call until the 10th.”

“Maybe it was a connection they had,” I said thoughtfully. “They shared a birthday.”

“She had some VERY nice things to say about you. She was very happy that Jorge had become part of your close circle of friends. She also seemed to know about Becky. I’m guessing she was one of your girls?”

“She would have been on Elyse’s list, I’m sure,” I said, recalling my time with Rosie. “She was an interesting girl. You know the type. She came from a sheltered environment and decided to ‘live it up’ when she came to the big city. We never developed any real relationship, but she was there when Becky had her meltdown and tried to kill herself. As for Jorge, as I said, they shared a birthday, and celebrated it together several times...”

“I can imagine the celebration!” she giggled. “If Jorge learned from you, well...”

“Excuse me?” I said in mock outrage. “He learned NOTHING from me. But I may have been told by some girls that he’d been well-advised!”

She laughed, “I can imagine the advice!”

“Yes, yes. So, what did all of these girls say?”

“I’d say the most apt description I heard was that you were a very good man, but you had some «некультурный» ways that needed to be reined in.”

“If you spoke to Tanya, I’m in bigger trouble than I thought!”

“Why do you think that? Of all the women I spoke to, none loves you more than Tatyana Ivanovna except Kara. None.”

I sighed, “And if it weren’t for politics and career ambitions on both our parts, she’d probably be my wife.”

“Playing ‘What if?’” Michelle teased.

“It seemed like the right thing to say.”

“Because it was a very real possibility. Kara knew that, by the way.”

“I’m not surprised, honestly.”

“That said, I had a much more interesting telephone conversation. Someone who has known you a long time, and who worships the ground on which you walk. But one for whom circumstances prevented what could have been.”

“That could be any one of several girls,” I said. “Jennifer; Elyse; Karin; Sofia. I could go on.”

“Before I answer, is there some big secret I’m not privy to that’s in your journals? I asked about reading them and Jessica, Kara, and Elyse all got skittish.”

“There are some very, very private things in there about other people which I simply cannot share. Those three are privy to some of them. Between the three of them, they know everything, but there are some things that nobody but the person and I can know.”

“I suppose that makes sense. One piece of advice. Don’t keep things from your wives.”

“I know. But even they aren’t privy to private things about others. That would break a trust. I know it’s a balance, and a delicate one, but a balance nonetheless.”

“I can see that, I guess. So, the answer is that it’s the person who probably knows you better than anyone, despite physical distance.”

“No way! You talked to Tina Hoff?”

“And if I could have only talked to one person, that was the one I would have talked to, knowing what I know now.”

“I suppose fifteen years of non-stop letters provided a wealth of material.”

“Short of reading your journals? Yes. She had some very interesting things to say. That was another situation, as with Tatyana, where time, distance, and circumstances prevented what might have been.”

“I have to agree. She, like Penny, was awfully young. But I didn’t mess up Tina the way I did Penny.”

“I think you’re being too hard on yourself. Yes, there’s no doubt you pulled Penny into an adult world she wasn’t prepared for, but that was going to happen, whether it was you who did it or someone else. It’s simply who Penny is. But that’s one which never could have been. You two can be extremely intimate, but you never could have made it together. You’d have both promised fidelity and it would have only been a matter of time and a question of which of you broke it first.”

“I hadn’t thought about it that way.”

“No, because you see her as this innocent little girl who you corrupted. Which is odd, because that’s a NEW development. You never thought about her in that way until everything went down with the ‘Gang of Four’. And now, as you are with me, you’re struggling to see her for who she really is.”

“A reasonable point.”

“There were two other very interesting calls. I wonder if you can guess.”

“Michelle, if you spoke to Becky, I hope you didn’t say ANYTHING to Kara.”

“Who do you think told me to call her?”

I laughed, because there was nothing else I could do.

“It fits,” I said, shaking my head. “Kara never ceases to amaze me. Go on.”

“To use Joyce’s term, you were a real shithead. Or to use Katt’s, a «jävla idiot». Or your sister’s, a ‘dumb boy’. I can’t BELIEVE you would behave the way you did towards Becky. And Jennifer conspired with you?”

“Not exactly the highlight of my relationship with Jennifer. I take it you talked to all of those girls you named as well.”

“Yes. But Becky’s insights into you are, I think, spot on. She still loves you, dearly. She’s also still torn up about the abortion. Her counseling got her to a point where she can live a happy life, but there is no doubt you two belonged together. Jennifer knew that and sent you to her.”

“Jennifer was also confused as hell about her own sexuality at that point. You have to be careful about how you interpret anything she said or did before her third year at Stanford. Actually, I’d say anything before Bethany’s accident, which was when the whole ugly truth about Jennifer’s life came out.”

“I’m sure all of that is true. But the point still remains that everyone - Jennifer, Stephanie, Bethany, Karin, and Kara are all sure about that. Anala, too.”

“Yeah, she’s the one who really diagnosed things. That was, in effect, the last point I could have tried to salvage something with Becky. But I wasn’t strong enough to try.”

“I’m not sure that’s the case. All of the women closest to you had a visceral hatred for her. Most of them still do.”

“But not Kara. I don’t know that she COULD hate anyone.”

“Nor you,” Michelle said. “Oh, that lawyer got under your skin, and Lisa is about as evil as they come, but you don’t HATE either of them.”

“I suppose that’s true. Who was the other woman you talked to?”

“You really have no idea?”

“No. I mean, it could be one of over a hundred and twenty-five.”

“That’s just sick no matter how you slice it.”

“I know. I’ve beat myself up enough about that with Doctor Mercer to cover the rest of my lifetime. It is what it is at this point. So?”

“It was a difficult one to arrange, and needed significant help from some of your closest friends.”

“Did you somehow talk to Sakurako?” I asked.

“No; she was the ONE girl I would really like to speak to with whom I had no reasonable way to get in touch.”

“Then I have no idea.”

“Aimee Shaughnessy.”

“I’m REALLY curious as to what she had to say. That was another situation of timing, circumstances, and career ambitions.”

“I suspect there is one important piece of the puzzle you don’t know.”

“I’m not sure what that might be. She was going to be at Annapolis for four years, then have to do several sea tours. In fact, she’s on her second one right now. That was always going to be an issue because of NIKA.”

“You met her before then, right?”

“Yes. March of ‘85, not long after Bethany’s accident. And Bethany and I were on our way to marriage at that point. With Kara being more like Elyse.”

“Nobody believed that, including Bethany.”

“I know,” I sighed. “I had a talk with Bethany when I came back from seeing Doctor Mercer. So what’s the missing puzzle piece?”

“Aimee’s dad would have hired you for his company. To start a computer security and forensics team. You could have been based anywhere. Annapolis; Japan; Norfolk; wherever.”

“Why didn’t anyone tell me back then?”

“Aimee gauged, probably correctly, that you wouldn’t be able to handle the time away from her when she was at sea. From all reports, you two hit it off almost perfectly from day one. All that was missing was, in effect, your ability to be apart from your wife for extended periods. Which, I’ll remind you, you eventually did.”

“But only because of Kara,” I said. “Not to mention at that point I’d already agreed with Jennifer, Elyse, and Kara to have kids.”

“A serious impediment, to be sure, but one with possible solutions, even if they weren’t ideal.”