Chapter 29: A Special Prescription

November 17, 1994, Greater Cincinnati, Ohio

“The first thing I want to say is that I believe you are in a good frame of mind. I’m not worried about you going home today.”

“Were you worried on Monday?”

Doctor Mercer nodded, “A bit, but probably not for the reason you think.”

“You were concerned that I was overly critical of myself, and that might LEAD to clinical depression, not that I was actually clinically depressed.”

She laughed, “Some days, I don’t know why I bother!”

“Don’t be TOO hard on yourself,” I said with a soft smile. “Once you said it wasn’t the reason I would think, that eliminated clinical depression and other than that, there really only was one answer.”

“That ability to quickly analyze possibilities is probably the key to your success in business.”

“That and having Elyse as the adult in the room. And a very good attorney and a Board of Directors I use to help me keep things from going too far off the path.”

“Very wise. You conduct your life in that way, with your own ‘Board of Directors’. In one of our talks during your last therapy, you called yourself «Pater familias», but you also listen to your closest advisors. That group shifts around, but it seems Elyse and Bethany are the most consistent ones, though Jennifer and Kara have significant influence. You bring in others as well, such as Michelle and, most importantly, Jorge. And you come to me for what amounts to trauma.”

I chuckled, “That sounds about right.”

“Let me ask you this question before I give you my analysis. If you had to pick two girls, just two, which ones would you say you manipulated the most, and had a bad outcome?”

“Crystal is an easy choice, because even though we more or less came to a peaceful resolution, I set out to manipulate and tease her simply because I could.”

“Did you sleep with her?”

“Eventually, but only because I cynically manipulated her into doing it.”

“And the other?”

“It would probably have to be Becky. A concerted effort by me and some of the girls to manipulate her with downright disastrous consequences for all of us. Becky and I pretty much can’t even see each other socially and I modified how I deal with her dad to avoid having to explain everything to him, though he knows a lot of what went on. She’s only one of the attempted suicides I was involved with.”

Doctor Mercer flipped through her notebook, “And the other one was Melanie.”

“Yes. While I agree that Melanie is responsible for her own actions, Jennifer and I played a huge role in what happened.”

“I remember talking to you about that years ago. They’re good friends now, right?”

“Yes. Pete and Melanie are great friends.”

“One of the things we discussed was your friend Joyce and how you felt you had manipulated her. Why wasn’t she one of the two?”

“On further consideration, I believe I was hearing her frustration and her venting, and not the truth, which probably lies somewhere between what she said and what I think.”

“That’s usually the case. In fact, it’s nearly always the case. Our personal filters change even the words we hear others say. Or we hear nuances that aren’t there, or make assumptions that aren’t true, and so on. What’s your take?”

“That she went into this with her eyes wide open, at least as much as someone in their late teens and early twenties was able to. And she made decisions which impacted my thinking, even if I outwardly denied it.”

“Yes, that’s very likely. May I make a fairly blunt, perhaps completely off-the-wall observation? Something I think is true based on the last fifteen years of talking to you when you had need of trauma support?”

“Sure.”

“With the possible exception of Bethany, and I’m not so sure about even her, never, ever could you have married a woman who’d been with another man AFTER she’d been with you. And the two you considered, Bethany and Jennifer, were both victims of rape, which changed how you viewed them. Not in a negative way, mind you, but they had been violated which, in effect, gave them a free pass on that issue. If I look at your history, certainly before you were married, your actions bear that out.

“Bethany is a strange case; as we both know, she had a public love affair with the young man in Madison. But that required your advance approval and consent. As if, and I’m using this carefully, she was your property and you were allowing another man to touch her. I think, for that reason, you still felt she was a potential partner. But I wonder if that didn’t finally cause your break. I’m pretty sure Bethany knew, and knowing the other things she’d done, of which I know you’re aware, you wouldn’t have been able to accept her.”

“I think that’s possible,” I said. “It was actually discussed at one point amongst some of the girls and me.”

“OK Here’s the bottom line. You are being far too harsh with yourself. You know very well I do not condone how you’ve handled your sex life, but it appears, from all the evidence, that in the vast majority of the cases, maybe even nearly all of them, you didn’t actually manipulate the girls nor did you steal anything from them. They consented and freely and willingly gave you what you wanted. There may be one or two exceptions, such as the girl, Annie, in Sweden, but those are very, very rare. I was actually surprised you didn’t mention her.”

“I didn’t manipulate her or abuse her. I didn’t have positive consent, but she didn’t stop me. I learned a lesson there, but in the end, she chose to have sex with me. I was far more careful after that to obtain positive consent.”

“Exactly. Do you think taking a girl to dinner and a movie is manipulation?”

I chuckled, “No. Of course not. And I know exactly where you’re going with that. Dating, in and of itself, isn’t manipulation. What you’re asking about having a nefarious intent. Guys want to find sex partners, so they behave in certain ways which they believe will attract potential sex partners, then do the things they think are necessary to gain a sexual relationship. The transaction, if you will, might be dinner and a movie, it might be a wedding ring, or it might be the height of sexual nirvana while losing your virginity.”

Doctor Mercer laughed, “You are so smug about your abilities.”

I shrugged, “We talked about girls basically spreading the word to others who then came to me. You work it out, Doc.”

She laughed, “I’ve talked to a few of your partners.”

I smirked, “And they gave glowing, five-star reviews.”

“No comment.”

“Fair enough.”

“The point I’m trying to make here is that you didn’t take anything from most of those girls, with the possible exception of Annie and Becky. They gave it to you, willingly. They might have been foolish or shortsighted or whatever, but they gave it to you. You didn’t rape anyone. You didn’t even, with a couple of exceptions, pressure anyone. In fact, I believe you did your best to try to talk girls out of it.”

“That’s not QUITE what I was doing. It was about making sure I wasn’t taking and they knew what they were giving. There were only a few I really tried to talk out of it.”

“Which brings us to the root cause of your problem.”

“That I believe I should have tried to talk Michelle out of it, and if I couldn’t, then refuse.”

“You know, in most people, I’d find that trait admirable. With you, it’s just downright annoying.”

“Why?”

“Because, and I’m choosing my words carefully here, you can be a smug bastard at times.”

“At times?” I grinned.

“Good point! But in the end, you feel guilty for what you did with Michelle. And you’re beating yourself up for it. Badly. You need to stop.”

“Didn’t you just say I should have tried to talk her out of it? And refuse if I couldn’t?”

“No. What you said was that YOU think you should have done. I simply agreed with you.”

“Shit,” I sighed.

“So, now that we know what the problem is, what’s the solution?”

“To admit to myself that Michelle was an adult, who made an adult decision. That if there was any woman on the planet who had given clear consent, and clearly telegraphed what she wanted, despite the cryptic way she made the request, it was Michelle.”

“May I read back something you said? Or rather, something you read from your journal?”

“Sure.”

“Does that sound like a confused young woman? One who felt you took something which didn’t belong to you? One who felt manipulated or abused?”

“No.”

“You see her, STILL, even after she broke things off with you, as a nun in that convent in Pennsylvania.”

“Oh for the love of Loki,” I sighed.

“The Norse god of chaos? I think he’s the perfect symbol for you.”

“No kidding. That’s why I have a bronze figure of him in the case with the rest of my spiritual items.”

“You aren’t going to get past this until you get past THAT. She did her best to make her point to you, didn’t she?”

I chuckled, “Yes. That was a very un-nun-like thing to do.”

“And yet?”

“I still have these stupid blinders on.”

“And because of that, you see younger girls as potential repeats. Think about what you said you would consider in the future.”

“Love affairs like with Elena. Where there wasn’t a risk like with Michelle.”

“Yes. As usual, you had it all figured out before you got here. You just couldn’t make the leap for some reason.”

“So what do I do?”

Doctor Mercer laughed, “This is where I just want to put my face in my palm.”

“Why?”

“You’ll see. First, would you like to hear my prescription? The one I’d give anyone OTHER than Steve Adams?”

“Sure.”

“Make Kara your primary wife. Forget the paperwork, because that’s a mess. And I mean only you and Kara in your bed. She’s the woman you wanted to, and should have, married. Let Jessica become like Elyse. Move to her own room, and have occasional privileges.”

“Why would I do that?” I asked.

“Because it’s what Jessica wanted from the start. The FICTION of a marriage. Think about what she told you. She didn’t want a real relationship. I’m not sure, deep down, she does now. I don’t think your equilibrium will last, because Jessica simply isn’t cut out for the kind of deep, loving relationship you and Kara have. It’s not in her nature. Medicine will always be her first love, and if she has to choose between Medicine and you, you WILL lose. So simply acknowledge that.”

“I’m not going to do that.”

“As I said, that’s the advice I’d give anyone OTHER than Steve Adams. My advice to you is to be true to yourself. Deep down, somewhere in that psyche, perhaps even a result of your congenital defect, is a part of you that needs to be with women besides your wife, or wives. If you try to shut it down completely, you run the risk of going off the rails again.”

“Are you telling me to have love affairs?” I asked with a grin.

“I’m telling you what I think is required for you to stay mentally healthy, despite all the other potential problems which might arise. If I had to give my professional opinion, with no reservations, it would be what I said before about Kara. Period. But, you’re smart enough to listen to what I’m saying and put it into proper effect. It’s not something I’d say to any other patient.”

“So I’m special?” I asked with a silly smile.

“That’s one way to put it! But remember the rule for diagnosing a mental illness.”

“That it has to have a significant negative impact your day-to-day functioning.”

“Correct. Yours, in the main, does not. You have a successful business, good friends, and a happy family, as different as the arrangement is from the norm. Does ANY of that sound like signs of mental illness?”

“Two wives? Seven kids?” I asked, laughing.

“OK. Yes. But you know what I meant by that.”

“I do.”

“I do want to say another thing, and that is, after fifteen years, I am positive that, even without the problems with your hypothalamus, the fact that you received no love, support, or acceptance from your mother had a tremendous impact on your decision-making and your relationship with the women in your life. You substituted your sister’s love and acceptance for your mom’s with disastrous consequences for both of you. Would you like my opinion of the turning point? Of when you began to realize what you were doing and when you started being more, well hedonistic, as opposed to needy?”

I thought about it for a second, “When I refused to have sex with Trudy Spencer.”

“Oh for the love of ... will you just stop!” she laughed.

“Nope. I’ve spent most of my time this week reading my journals. That event got about thirty pages, including a very detailed fantasy.”

“You might want to delete that.”

“I have others, too.”

“It’s one thing to keep your journals; it’s a very different thing to use them as an outlet for sexual fantasy.”

“Because someone might read them someday? You mean, like Jessica? Kara? Elyse? Bethany?”

“They’ve all read them?”

“Pretty much up to date for Elyse. The others not in the past year or so.”

“What happens when you die?”

I smiled, “They go to Birgit. She is, without question, my kindred spirit.”

“But the sex?”

I laughed, “By then, as I said, her list might be longer than mine.”

“And those detailed sex fantasies?”

“Doctor Mercer, I guarantee you, and Kara knows this as well, that on or about her fourteenth birthday, my daughter is going to request, no demand, I take her virginity. I’ll refuse. I know the damage that could do. But she’s going to ask.”

“That concerns me gravely because of your sister.”

“I know. But trust me, Doctor, there will be no repeats in our home. We are all fully aware of the situation - Jennifer, Elyse, Jessica, and Kara. We’ve already had talks with the kids about sex, at an age-appropriate level. Our ‘age appropriate’, not society’s. Ashley is three and knows about sex in a basic way because we had the ‘good touching’ and ‘bad touching’ talk.”

“Isn’t that a bit young to talk about sex?”

“Explain to me how you give a kid a good, healthy view of sex if you only talk about ‘bad touching’ and tell them not to do it until they turn fifteen or eighteen or whatever insanity some parents decide to inflict on their kids. If we’re going to protect them from abuse, and not mess them up, we HAVE to explain ‘good touching’ right along with ‘bad touching’. None of my sons or daughters are going to be scolded about masturbation. Or discouraged from doing it. How dumb is THAT thinking? And most importantly, we’re inoculating them against the complete and utter stupidity that passes for sex education and public policy on sex.”

“You’re swimming against the tide, as always.”

“Tell me something I didn’t know! But talk to Bethany. She’s seen the havoc wreaked by downright stupid behavior by adults with regards to teen sexuality. I experienced it myself. Yes, we disagree on when it’s appropriate, but I highly doubt you’re willing to make a blanket statement that no sixteen-year-old is ready for sex.”

“No, I’m not prepared to say that.”

“Then we just have a disagreement on age. Puberty is the absolute minimum, but beyond that? How about we let parents and kids talk about it and let parents have the last say, at least in the normal case?”

“That opens up all kinds of possibilities for abuse.”

“Bullshit, Doc. Those possibilities are there no matter what. And you can still punish abuse. But we’re throwing the baby out with the bathwater here. Soon enough, it’s going to be a felony for two six-year-olds to play ‘doctor’ or for two fifteen-year-olds to finger each other to orgasm.”

“That does appear to be the trend.”

“And a completely fucked-up one, too. Sorry for the language, but society is on a ‘Highway to Hell’ and we’re going to have entire generations of kids with messed-up views on sexuality, potentially destroying lives, all so some moralistic assholes can get reelected.”

“Which rant is that?” Doctor Mercer asked.

“What?!” I gasped in surprise.

“Bethany told me about it when we talked a month ago.”

“Basically a combination of #2 and #3,” I chuckled.

“I think we’re about finished. Is there anything else you feel you need to talk to me about today?”

“Just that personal prescription, I guess. And that’s how to know when I’m making the right decision.”

“An answer only you can give, Steve. You’ve made rules in the past to guide you. Update them again. That’s what you’ve always done, and they’ve served you well. When you encounter issues, as you did with Michelle and the twins, who, by the way, aren’t REALLY a problem, you update the rules.”