Chapter 28: Finding the Root Cause

November 16, 1994, Greater Cincinnati, Ohio

“Let’s explore something different today,” Doctor Mercer said on Wednesday afternoon. “The young women you called ‘friends with benefits’ who seem to be in the category of women you think you manipulated or abused, yet who wouldn’t say you’d done so. You mentioned Mary Harrison. Let’s start there.”

I smiled, “If there was any person in my life who could have sex without developing improper emotional attachments, it was Mary. And she was one person with whom I could do the same. I’m not sure why that is, other than to say she had the right personality.”

“If I recall, she was on your chess team and heard about you from Jennifer. And then sought you out for sex.”

“Yes. And we basically got caught in the act. Not QUITE in flagrante delicto, but close enough. Over the years, we fooled around, but always kept our emotions properly in check. I got her and her husband Josh together.”

“And there were others like her?”

“Yes, a few. Tracey Jones. Leila Kıraç. Tara Brooks. There are others I could list, but in each case, there was at least an undercurrent of improper emotional attachment. Or they were truly ‘one-off’ situations where we just had a bit of fun.”

“Are you walking back the abuse and manipulation idea?”

“I suppose it depends on how you look at it. I was a very experienced predator and I knew my prey. I learned exactly what type of girl was susceptible and I sought them out. Young, inexperienced, vulnerable, curious, and malleable.”

“You think you’re a sexual predator?”

“Not in the sense of criminal acts, because I always had clear consent. And I made damned sure of it. But I knew EXACTLY how to talk to the girls and get them to basically beg me for it. The tactics were pretty simple, now that I think about it. Get them interested, then do my best to talk them out of it. They’d argue their way right into my bed. I can’t remember a time when the tactic didn’t work.”

“Was that true from the beginning? Or did you learn that behavior?”

“Melanie and Jennifer taught me,” I said. “And Bethany was adamant about consent. I synthesized a very effective strategy, to the tune of 127 women as of last Sunday. And I was VERY selective. There was a type, and I found it. I worked my magic spell, and it got me what I wanted. Most of the time, the spell wore off. In a few rare cases, it didn’t.”

“It sounds like you’re saying you aren’t really a submissive.”

“It worked to my advantage to give the ILLUSION of being submissive. Oh, I’m sure I was at first, thanks to my mom and sister. But at some point, it became part of the strategy. Let the women think they’re in control, but subtly manipulate them to be exactly where I wanted.”

“I assume it’s OK to be blunt?”

“Always.”

“The traits you describe are often found in pathological personalities. Men like Charles Manson or Ted Bundy or Jim Jones. That’s a bit frightening.”

“Would they admit it and sit down with a therapist to fix it?”

Doctor Mercer smiled, “No, of course not. And in those cases, especially Manson, it can’t be cured.”

I chuckled, “Well, given Bundy and Jones are dead, I’d say that’s true.”

“I’m sure you know what I meant. And, knowing you, you’re fully aware of where this developed.”

“I mentioned it before - Melanie and Jennifer, with a dose of help from Bethany. Don’t get me wrong; I’m fully responsible for all my actions. Whatever any of them did, or didn’t do, doesn’t change that fact, any more than my mom’s abuse does. I did what I did and I take responsibility for it in every case.”

“Another sign you aren’t like those men I mentioned before. Let’s talk about those early days. I know we’ve covered them before, but I sense you have a different perspective now.”

“Maybe deeper and more nuanced is a better way to put it. First, we’ll never know, at least in this life, what Birgit intended when she sent me to Melanie. She had some kind of plan, and I’ve speculated with myself, and with others, as to what it might have been. In the end, I simply don’t know. But once I was in Melanie’s hands, I began to discover just how easy it was to get girls into my bed.”

“Why do you think Melanie did that?”

“She got off on it for some reason. Melanie gained pleasure from watching me have sex with other girls, joining us, and vicariously enjoying my encounters when she couldn’t participate for some reason or other. Remember, we’re talking about a girl whose first experience with anal sex was as an exhibitionist.”

“And yet, if I recall correctly, she’s one of the most traditional, conservative, and proper friends you have.”

“I blame Pete for that,” I grinned. “Getting those two back together was a major success story.”

“And Jennifer?”

“That one I chalk up to being a very, very confused young woman. If you remember, she sent me to Becky. And that was after Jennifer and I had made love. Jennifer was confused and afraid, and her self-defense mechanism kept kicking in. She wanted me, but her true sexuality rebelled at the idea. She had a lesbian affair in seventh grade, and tried to pass it off as experimentation. It wasn’t. It was, at least as far as you can say this about someone who was twelve, a true love affair. But she couldn’t break the social conditioning and social pressure. Not surprising for a young girl in the 70s. I’m sure you agree.”

“I do. Not surprising even now, though we have made some progress as a society. Not enough, mind you, but some. So, if I understand you, Melanie’s motivation was emotional and sexual gratification, and Jennifer’s was to push you to other girls for sex, because she was confused.”

“Yes. Jennifer and I had a terribly stormy relationship, as I’m sure you remember. I didn’t understand why every time we got close, she’d find a way to push me away. I understand that NOW.”

“And there’s no sexual attraction between the two of you at this point?”

I chuckled, “I wouldn’t go QUITE that far. Jennifer and I have always been special to each other. I am the one man she could be with. But she and Josie are exclusive. Without going into detail, Jennifer and I have talked about this and we both would love nothing more than to have one more glorious lovemaking session. But it can’t happen, and won’t happen. We love each other far too much for that to happen.”

“How many girls were there, from Melanie until, well, let’s say until you went to Sweden?”

I ran through the list I’d complied and counted.

“Twenty-three.”

“And before Melanie it was just two, right?”

“Yes.”

“So about twenty percent of your encounters happened from age fourteen to just after you turned sixteen, and really, it was compressed into about two years, if I calculate correctly.”

“Yes; July of ‘77 to July of ‘79.”

“You averaged about two new girls a month then. How many in Sweden?”

“Ten, by my count.”

“Less than one per month. And then during your Senior year?”

“Seven, with two over the summer after I graduated, so call it nine in that year. And that’s the basic pattern, between six and ten a year.”

“And recently?”

“About half that, roughly, for the past two years. And there were lengthy periods where there were no new girls.”

“Why is that, if you know?”

“I think the catalysts were Michelle and Samantha, in two different ways. And honestly, if you remove the ‘Saint Martin Six’, who were an object lesson Samantha was teaching me, whether she knew it or not, then you could extend that ‘half’ to three years, maybe slightly more. But there was one other thing that had a bigger impact, and it wasn’t a woman.”

“Your friend Jorge’s death?”

“Yes. That brought Jessica back to us, and, in effect, helped us remake our trio. And since then, I had my Japanese phase, which led directly to a life-changing experience. Two young Japanese-American girls who prepared me for it, and the fully Japanese one who, in effect, led me through it. After them, there was a VERY compressed sequence of three girls, two of whom taught me important lessons. And then the disaster with the twins.”

“It sounds as if you have no regrets about the Japanese girls.”

“I don’t feel I manipulated any of them, nor did I abuse them. There was deep emotional connection, but never an inappropriate one. I’m pretty sure it’s cultural, because even the two Japanese-American girls were raised in traditional Japanese families. In the Buddhist and Shinto traditions, there is no value put on virginity, in and of itself, and outside of monks and nuns, sexual expression is perfectly acceptable, so long as it is not excessive. In each of their cases, there was, in effect, nothing to steal.

“I had been trying to work out in my mind the entire concept of virginity, choice, consent, desire, fidelity, and temperance, which I usually refer to by the Swedish word «lagom». I know we’ve discussed that in the past. What I discovered in the process is that I, like just about everyone else on the planet, was bound by my own culture, which shaped my views. To Westerners in general, but specifically to adherents of Abrahamic religions, or members of societies created by those faiths, virginity has great value. And I, like so many others who seek wealth, found something of value I could gain, and so I did.

“But it turns out to have been just so much tilting at windmills or prospecting for fool’s gold. Both I, and the girls, felt there was something of value to take or to give, and that thing was a hymen, or at least, the possibility of one given all the ways it can break without having sex. But ultimately, we all missed the point which was taught to me by the Japanese girls. And which Anala tried to teach me. And, as strange as it sounds, Jorge tried to teach me.”

“It seems you were nearly as intimate with him as you were some of the girls.”

I nodded, “You yourself said that if I was bisexual, I’d have bonded with men the same way I did women. Here’s a VERY important fact. Of all the men I am close to, and that number has increased dramatically since it was basically just Pete, only two knew about Stephanie and me. Ed, of course. And Jorge. Nobody told him. He figured it out all by himself.”

“Because he was your most intimate male friend.”

I nodded, “Absolutely. I told Jorge stuff that I could NEVER talk to another guy about. In fact, I doubt I’ll ever talk to another guy about stuff I talked to Jorge about. He was a unique individual whom I loved dearly. And he loved me, too. And I’m not ashamed to say that. His life, and his death, had a major impact. In fact, I’d say that other than Birgit’s death, Jorge’s death was the event that had the biggest impact on me, bar none. And it rivals Birgit’s death in many ways.”

“There were other important people in your life who died.”

I nodded, “Absolutely, and I’m not minimizing the impact that Stephie, Don Joseph, or Nick Evans had on me. But if you’re looking for defining moments in my life, it’s those two deaths, Jesse’s birth, and my five weeks in Japan.”

“Not your marriage? Or the other kids?”

“None of those changed me the way those four things did.”

Doctor Mercer scanned her notes, and flipped a few pages in one of the old notebooks. She made some notes on her pad, then put her pencil down.

“I think we’re making some good progress here. I know it might not seem like it, but we are.”

I smiled, “I know we are. We’re winnowing down my self-loathing and getting it under control. Once that’s under control, and I can stop seeing myself as a sexual predator, if you will, I can get on with my life, have what passes in MY world for a normal life with my wives and kids, and be happy.”

Doctor Mercer laughed, “I wish ALL my patients understood how this works as well as you do.”

“Doc, I’ve been coming here for over fifteen years. How well DOES it work?”

“You have, perhaps, the most complex set of problems of any patient I’ve ever treated who does not have a diagnosable mental illness. Your bipolar disorder ISN’T diagnosable because it’s mild, AND it appears to have a physiological cause which can be controlled with diet, sleep, and exercise. And yet, you’re functioning perfectly well in your work, your friendships, and finally, your marriage. It works, Steve.”

“So where do we go from here?” I asked.

“I think there are three things I want to talk about, and then we’ll see where we are.”

“Stephie, Kara, and Sakurako.”

“You know, I should throw something at you, but you’ve always been good at identifying the problems. And that’s why this works for you. I suspect you’ve done the same with Doctor Green?”

“Yes.”

“So tell me why Stephie is in a category of her own.”

“Because of all my relationships, and I mean all of them, it’s the only one I think developed properly. We met, became friends, and then eventually, lovers. It was complicated by the issues with Kara, and by Stephie trying to figure out how to live with me, but in the end, it happened the way a relationship is supposed to happen.”

“How long was it from the time you met until the time you first made love?”

“We met on the first day of chemistry lab during my first semester, so that was late August of ‘81. We first made love in January of ‘82. And it developed slowly, and properly. She had a guy back home, and I had Kara here in Milford. Stephie and I took our time, explored our common interests, and eventually, at exactly the right time, consummated our relationship. We continued, through thick and thin, until I broke things off with her to ask Kara to marry me.”

“Which was when Kara walked out of your life for a year.”

“Yes. Stephie took me back, no questions asked. And we stayed together until she went home during the summer of ‘83. That’s when Jason asked her out. Stephie wanted me, in the worst way, to tell her to come home to Chicago, but I knew that wasn’t the right thing for her. Yes, I know how patriarchal and misogynistic that sounds, but it is also true. She was a fish out of water in Chicago, and she and Jason SHOULD have been together, but they were too close, having been friends from second grade on.

“They had planned to be each other’s firsts, but then a girl named Rose got in the way. When she cheated on Jason, he broke up with her and went to the one person he loved and trusted. And there was no way I could keep her for myself when I knew he needed her and she needed him. And, as it turns out, I was more right than I knew. I could never, ever have walked her down the path Fate forced her to walk. Jason could, and did. I may be many things, but one thing I am not, is that strong. I couldn’t have done it.”

“I think you’re mistaken,” Doctor Mercer said. “You would have looked into the abyss and found your character. Do you think you could have been monogamous with her?”

“Maybe. There were so many other things going on, I can’t say for sure. I suppose the answer to that ‘What if?’ question is similar to the one I answered about Tatyana. If Stephie had asked, I would have done it for her. I almost did it for Kara.”

“Before we move on to her, what was it about Stephie that made you behave differently?”

“SHE was different. Remember, my circle of friends, at least the close ones, were pretty insular and all from the same area. With the exception of Joyce, they were all pretty much from Clermont County. And the closest ones followed me to Chicago right away, or moved there. If you think about it, those people are still mostly the closest ones to me. Kara, Elyse, Kathy, Bethany, Jennifer, Joyce, Pete, and Melanie. And you can add in Ed and my sister as well, though because of what happened there, it’s a different relationship than it had been. We could also throw in Beth Pater, who sits on the Board of Directors of my company.”

“But you have Swedish friends, too, right? And Russian ones.”

“Yes, but with the exception of Sofia, who I see every few weeks, it’s just the odd phone calls and letters. Well, except for Tina Hoff, who I haven’t missed exchanging letters with for more than a month in the past fourteen years. She even sent me a letter when I was in Japan to keep the streak alive. I do see some of them occasionally when I travel, but they aren’t in my closest circle of friends because of distance.”

“So Stephie was unique?”

I smiled, “In more ways than one. She was ‘Peaches’ and of all the women I’ve ever known, she was probably the one that most captivated my heart. Kara was manipulated. Jess was businesslike and manipulative. Birgit was a fantasy. And you know about what I did to Becky.”

“Stephie more than Jennifer?”

“Two very different situations. I fell in love with Stephie. In fact, she may be the only girl I ever fell in love with properly.”

“Properly?”

“I fell in love with Becky, but only after I was a manipulative asshole who tried to take her virginity for the pure fun of hurting her by doing so. Hardly ‘true love’ in the storybook fashion. I had that with Stephie in a way I never had it with anyone else.”

“But you let her walk away?”

“Because I loved her so much. I had to. Keeping her in Chicago was no different from putting an animal in a tiny cage. There’s a reason the zoos all switched to open habitats, at least as best as they could.”

“Because the animals were driven insane by being caged.”

“Exactly. Elyse has some of those symptoms from living in the city. Sometime in the next five years or so, she’ll move to the ‘burbs.”

“And take the boys?”

“Yes, of course. I’d never, ever come between any of the girls and their kids in that way. I can deal with it. I’m a dad, not a mom.”

“There are differences.”

“Yes. And it’s not like she’s taking them to Alaska or Hawaii or some other far-flung corner of the country. They’ll be close.”