Chapter 18: Damaged Goods

September 30, 1994, Chicago, Illinois

“Where are we headed?” I asked when I returned to the house after walking Kara to her classroom.

“The church is on South Wolf Road in Hillside,” Michelle said.

“OK. We’ll need about an hour to get there,” I said. “Let’s plan to leave at 8:40am just to make sure we have enough time. Which cemetery?”

“Mt. Carmel in Hillside. The reception is at a restaurant on Butterfield about a half-mile west of Wolf Road.”

“Thanks. I want to talk with you tonight, please.”

Michelle nodded, “If you’re ready to talk, I am.”

“I was always ready to talk,” I said.

She shook her head, “No, you weren’t. Be sure you are now.”

“I am.”

About an hour later, Elyse, Michelle, and I went out to my BMW for the drive out to Hillside.

“What was the decision about the plaque?” I asked.

“In the end,” Michelle said, “they went with a bronze plaque that says ‘In Memoriam‘ and has his name, and the date underneath. It’ll be on the wall in the reception area just to the left of where Lucas sits as you face his desk. We bought a small table and a vase, and we’ll keep fresh flowers in it. Lucas will pick them up every Monday on his way to work and we’ll reimburse him.”

“That sounds perfect. Is it installed?”

“We’ll do it Monday when you’re back. We thought you should say a few words.”

“Good thinking. Any major concerns this week, Elyse?”

“Other than the stuff for Rob, no. It’s been quiet. Charlie has two candidates for you to see on Monday. Obviously, it’s critical we hire someone. Fortunately, the client in Pittsburgh was understanding.”

“I should hope so! If they weren’t, we wouldn’t want them as a client. Who is going to handle that?”

“Kelly, but she’s not on it permanently. She’ll start a week from Monday. Charlie has done a bunch of phone interviews in Pittsburgh and Mario is supposed to see the candidates early next week. We’ll fly the top two here.”

“Mario will be here today, right Michelle?”

“Yes. He arrived late yesterday. The phones will be handled in Pittsburgh and LA just as you asked. I took the liberty of inviting Cecelia from Los Angeles to represent that office. I cleared it with Elyse, Barbara, and Charlie.”

“Good decision. Thank you. How is Dave doing with hiring his programmer?”

“He’ll have a candidate for you sometime next week.”

“Good. How are things with the remodeling?”

“Set for the first two weeks in December. Mr. Brown already applied for the permits.”

“Excellent. Last question; how are Chris and Kimmy?”

“Pregnant!” Michelle laughed.

“I knew THAT!” I laughed.

“They’re both fine. Kimmy plans to start her maternity leave on November 7th, and Chris plans to start hers on December 5th. Obviously the babies could alter those plans.”

We rode in silence the rest of the way to the church. As I parked, I saw several other NIKA staff members walking from their cars into the church. We got out and followed them inside, with others following us inside. There were at least two hundred people in the church, more than half of them Rob’s friends and family. I saw Janet holding her son, and walked over to her.

“Hi, Janet. You have my most sincere condolences.”

“Mr. Adams, thank you for everything you’ve done for us.”

“Please, call me Steve; and if there’s anything more we can do, anything at all, please, let me know.”

“Mr. Adams, sorry, Steve, you’ve already done more than enough.”

“I don’t know if that’s really possible.”

She nodded, and I went to sit with Michelle, Elyse, and Kimmy. We sat through what I assumed was a fairly standard Protestant memorial service. Several of Rob’s friends spoke, as did his brother and his dad. When the service concluded, we all followed the hearse in procession to Mt. Carmel cemetery for the interment, which was a very short ceremony. Everyone gathered at the restaurant just after noon.

“Friends,” I said. “We’re here to celebrate the life of our colleague, Rob Zlinka. There is very little I can say that hasn’t been said by his friends and family. You all know I don’t like to give long speeches, so I’ll simply say that Rob was a good man who will be sorely missed. In addition, NIKA is making a $5000 initial contribution to establish a college fund for Bobby, and any contributions which anyone chooses to make would be gratefully accepted.” I held up a glass of wine. “To Rob!”

“To Rob!” everyone repeated.

I only took a sip of wine then set the glass aside as I needed to drive home when the reception ended. Over the course of the next three hours, nearly every member of Charlie’s Chicago-based team had something to say about Rob, concluding with Charlie herself. Just before the reception ended at 4:00pm, I had a brief chat with both Mario and Cecelia, and thanked them for coming to Chicago. That accomplished, Elyse, Michelle, and I headed home so I could make dinner.

After dinner, I gave the kids, my wives, Michelle, Elyse, Jennifer, and Josie their gifts. Everyone was appreciative and Birgit loved her necklace. Later, after the kids went to bed, Michelle and I went to the ‘Indian’ room to talk.

“Could we say the prayers for the departed first?” Michelle asked.

“Sure.”

I lit a candle and some incense in front of the icons, then picked up the prayer book and read the prayers for Rob. When I finished, we sat down in basket chairs.

“I owe you an apology,” I said.

“You do, but you also have to change your attitude and your behavior.”

“I know. I figured it out on my trip.”

Michelle smiled, “And what was her name? And how did she help?”

“It wasn’t like that. I mean, yes, there were girls, but I basically figured out the details on the flight over.”

“That quickly? Usually it takes you a lot longer.”

“I know,” I sighed. “But I concluded fairly easily that you’re right. I haven’t been able to see you for who you’ve become. And maybe even that’s not correct. I have a very warped picture of you in my mind that I’m having serious difficulty shaking. And that’s my fault, not yours.”

Michelle smiled, “The honesty is refreshing. But I think you still have a problem being completely honest with me.”

I nodded, “You’re right. Maybe that’s where we should start, because if you want me, you need to accept ME as I am, just as I need to accept you as you are.”

“Is that your way of saying you can have whatever dalliances you wish?”

“You want me to treat you as a proper equal, right?”

She nodded, “Yes, I do.”

“Then, to be blunt, it means I fuck who I want when I want and make no apologies. That’s the bottom line. If you can’t deal with that, then tell me right now. If you can deal with it, then I should be able to treat you the way you want me to. Just be prepared for what that really means.”

“How many?” she asked.

“In Europe? Three. Since I was with you the first time, probably about fifteen.”

“You’re impossible!” Michelle exclaimed, sounding exasperated. “What is it that’s missing? What is it that makes you need to have sex with so many women?”

“Honestly? I have no idea. I could blame my mom, or my medical problems, or some deep psychological problem. But in the end, it doesn’t matter. I just don’t CARE why. I’m happy with who I am. I enjoy the variety. And I’m not looking for a cure, so to speak. I don’t WANT to be cured.”

“Finally, more than two years later, you’re being completely open and honest with me.”

“I was trying to protect you. I realize now that was a grave error on my part. If I gave you false hope that behavior would change, then I’m sorry. I’m willing and able to give you everything you want, with the exception of children and an exclusive relationship.”

“Oh for Pete’s sake!” Michelle huffed, “YOU STILL DON’T BELIEVE ME! I’ve told you TIME AND AGAIN it’s enough and you have NEVER believed me.”

“I know,” I said quietly.

“Steve Adams, I love you more than any man I’ll ever love in the entire world, but I don’t think you can ever truly see me as anything other than the young girl who went to the monastery! I’m not that girl! I’m an adult woman; I have a good job with huge responsibilities; I’m going to school at night to get my degree; I engage in amazing acts of lovemaking! Do THOSE seem like the behavior of a confused little girl?”

“No.”

“Then why can’t you stop treating me like one?”

I took a deep breath and let it out.

“Because I have this innate need to protect girls who I see as vulnerable and who have been hurt badly.”

“Which is not necessarily a bad thing, Steve. But I’m not that girl anymore! I haven’t been for a year. But you know what? I don’t think I ever was the girl you thought I was.”

“That’s one of the things I realized on the flight over to England.”

“Sometimes I wonder what else I can do to get it across to you. Drag you into the middle of the great room on Sunday and have you fuck my brains out in front of everyone during Sunday’s Rap Session? Then you can show off for all those little Freshmen girls and make a list of new potential conquests! Ones you’ll treat as adults who can make their own decisions. The problem is, you would STILL most likely see me as a damaged, broken little girl who needed protection. I DON’T NEED YOUR PROTECTION, YOU ASSHOLE!”

I recoiled from the vehemence of her statements. I couldn’t recall a time when Michelle had raised her voice, let alone lost her temper the way she just had. I took a deep breath and let it out. I knew I shouldn’t respond hastily, so I sat quietly. I knew her analysis of my past behavior was correct, and even after the revelations in Europe, I knew I STILL questioned her judgment. I had thought I was past those kinds of thoughts, but obviously I wasn’t. I heard a soft knock at the door.

“Yes?”

“It’s Kara; is everything OK?”

“I’m not really sure,” I replied.

The door opened and she looked in.

“I heard raised voices and I was concerned.”

“I believe I’ve frustrated Michelle by being dense and clueless. Again.”

Kara laughed, “Oh is THAT all? Then I’m sure everything is fine and I’ll just leave you two to continue your foreplay!”

She shut the door and left.

“Did she really just say that?” Michelle asked, sounding annoyed.

“It wouldn’t be the first time I had an argument which led to fantastic sex,” I grinned.

“And that’s what you want?” she asked.

“I suppose it depends on where we are.”

“Where we are, Mr. Adams, is that in my opinion, I think YOU need ME here to fix YOU! You’re the damaged goods here!”

I paused, then nodded with a sigh.

“On that we agree. I came to the same conclusion on the flight to Europe.”

She got up and locked the door.

“Foreplay, was it?” she smirked.

I got up and pulled her to me. When our lips touched, the fire of our passion roared out of control and we spent the next two hours doing our best to fuck each other into unconsciousness or submission, I wasn’t sure which. After our third round, I pulled her to me.

Michelle moved on top of me and looked me directly in the eyes, “Now what?”

“I think we’ve kind of reached a decision point,” I said. “Complete honesty?”

“Yes.”

“I’m not confident in my ability to see you in any other way than I have. I have a mental block that I just can’t seem to get past.”

“That’s very true. You sound like you’ve reached the same basic conclusion that I have.”

“That for our own good, each of us, we need to move on,” I said.

“Yes. It’s not what I want, nor what you want. But neither of us can grow properly if we keep going the way we are now.”

I sighed deeply, “Breaking up is the LAST thing I want.”

“Breaking up? Come on, Steve! Did you REALLY break up with Elyse? Or Penny? Or Kimmy?”

I smiled, “No. I just don’t make love with them.”

Michelle laughed softly, but with a hint of derision, “You just don’t have sex with them! You make love with them every single day, every time you see them, just in how you treat them! If it works for them, it can work for me. You always talked about learning lessons and then applying them later in life. We’re both mature and we’re handling this maturely. Just as you did with Elyse.”

“In my heart of hearts, I know you’re right. I don’t want this to happen, but I believe you’re right in that in order for us to grow, this is the only solution. I love you too much not to let you be free.”

“Thank you.”

“What happens now?” I asked.

“I suppose you need to find me a sailor,” she said.

“Do you realize how strange this is? I’m not able to see you properly as an adult woman who is perfectly capable of making her own decisions, which you say you are. I agree, by the way, even if I have that stupid mental block. Why ask me to find you a husband? That doesn’t make a lot of sense.”

“It makes perfect sense, because I can almost guarantee that once we leave this room, your mental block will dissolve and you WILL see me properly.”

“Hang on! If that’s true, then shouldn’t we be able to work this out?”

“No. Because if we leave this room a couple, it’ll go right back to the way it was.”

“Do you realize just how bizarre this is? Rod Serling would reject it as a Twilight Zone script because nobody would believe it, even on THAT show!”

Michelle laughed, “I believe Jorge would have said ‘Welcome to Cirque du Steve‘!”

I chuckled, “There is a fifth dimension beyond that which is known to man. It is a dimension as vast as space and as timeless as infinity. It is the middle ground between light and shadow, between science and superstition, and it lies between the pit of man’s fears and the summit of his knowledge. This is the dimension of imagination. It is an area which we call Cirque du Steve.”

Michelle laughed harder, “Pretty much!”

“I hope you understand I’ll always love you just as much as I do now, if not more.”

“I know that, you silly man! And I love you and always will. Which is why we both know this is the right thing to do.”

“It is,” I said.

“Before we leave this room, there is one more very important thing I need you to do for me.”

“Which is?”

She got up and went over to the stand in the corner where I’d put a new Delft Blue vase to which I’d soon add flowers, and picked up something. She came back and knelt next to the floor pillows where I was reclining.

“This,” she smirked, handing me the tube of cherry lube.

“No way!” I gasped. “Seriously?”

“I’ve wanted to try it for ages. Now is the perfect time, because you’ll never be in a position to ask me to do it again! And it will be something only you have ever done with me.”

I took the tube from her, and we ended our physical relationship in a way I never would have expected.

October 1, 1994, Chicago, Illinois

“So it’s really over?” Jessica asked as we showered on Saturday morning.

“It is,” I said. “Just as I said last night.”

“And you’re really OK?” Kara asked. “Now that you’ve had a night to sleep on it?”

“Actually, I knew deep down before I went into that room it probably had to end so that we could both grow.”

“You never could get past seeing her as the innocent little girl who went to the monastery.”

I chuckled, “That’s actually not a problem now.”

“Oh? What happened?”

I’d left out the details of our final coupling when I’d told Jessica and Kara about my conversation with Michelle.

“She predicted that when we left the room, I’d see her as I ought to see her, but that could only happen if we broke up.”

“Seriously, Tiger?”

“Seriously,” I answered, then smirked. “I did get a VERY interesting parting gift, though.”

“Which was?”

“Her third and final cherry.”

“No way!” Kara laughed. “Just no way! Michelle? I don’t believe it!”

“She said she’d always wanted to try it, I guess that came from talking with you. She said it was the perfect time because if we were breaking up I could never ask her to do it again!”

“And?” Kara giggled.

“I don’t normally compare,” I said with a haughty smirk, “but almost as good as Katt!”

Kara almost doubled over in laughter, “And now you can never have it again! That is CRUEL!”

“An apt penance, I’d say. Though the interesting thing is, I would never have known if we hadn’t agreed to break up!”

“You are just too much, Tiger!” Jessica laughed. “What about NIKA?”

“She’s staying, of course. She pointed out that if I can work with Kimmy, Penny, and Elyse, I’d be able to work with her. She compared how our relationship was changing to those relationships.”

“A very good point. What is she going to do now? I mean besides work and school? And what about you?”

“I don’t think I need a replacement, if that’s what you’re implying. I didn’t mention it, but Mitsuko and I may be done with that part of our relationship, though I’m not sure. The last few times, she just wanted to spend intimate time with me, but not physically intimate time. I’ll see her tomorrow morning at the dojo and I guess I’ll find out more. I’m having lunch with Ailea next weekend, but I strongly suspect she’s going to meet a guy at school before too long. There were strong hints of that.”

“OK. So what’s next for Michelle?”

“I need to find her a sailor.”

“And she’s going to marry whomever you fix her up with, isn’t she?” Kara asked.

“I believe so. And that means I need to choose very carefully. I’ll talk to the guys at breakfast and see what they have in stock in way of single, good looking, male ensigns or lieutenants.”

“In stock?” Jessica laughed. “It sounds like you’re ordering from the Sears Catalog!”

“I know, but it is, in effect, finding the right man for her. She specifically asked for a sailor.”

“Then you have your work cut out for you!”

We finished our showers and I headed to breakfast with the guys. Once we were all assembled, I asked Karl, Brian, Aaron, Howard, and Clayton for assistance.

“Did you decide to play for the other team?” Clayton asked soberly. “Because if so, I’ll be glad to take Jessica and Kara off your hands!”

“Greedy bastard!” Kurt laughed.

“What can I say?” Clayton smirked.

“You can say Charlie would cut off your most prized possession!” Karl laughed. “She has you so whipped it’s not even funny.”

“She’s not bad for a white chick,” he grinned.