Chapter 14

Thankfully work was busy, and I did not have much time to dwell on last night with John. When I got home, I could tell John was trying to act as if last night was nothing unusual. We were just going to have dinner and a quiet evening like we usually do. I tried to do the same, but I caught myself looking at John and thoughts of last night’s sex play flooded into my mind. I saw him looking at me and then quickly looking away. There was a moment when he gave me a hug and a tender kiss on the neck from behind just after dinner. His hands that were around me moved up toward my breasts. I would have let it happen, but he quickly let go of me and turned and left the house without saying goodbye.

Finally, it was bedtime. Just as I got in bed, my phone rang. I quickly answered, “John, sweetheart.”

“Mom, about last night. You know I am not going to be able to stop thinking about it.”

I could not blame him. I loved John with all my heart and soul, but what we were doing could not in any way be perceived as a mother’s maternal love for her son. It was nothing more than pure lust on my part, and I imagined on his part too.

“I know, Honey. I can’t either.” I admitted.

“I need to know where this is going. I will not be able to stop wondering when you will come to my room or ask me to join you. I thought about this all day. We either need to stop completely right now, or you need to let me know exactly what you expect from me. I want you to be happy, but I can’t just be on call whenever you feel you need me, not after last night. I won’t be able to stay in this house if I have to be near you and always wonder if you will want to be with me like that again. I’m afraid to even kiss your cheek because of what I may do.”

John was right. I manipulated and used him to fill that empty spot in my life with little regard for the consequences. How could I have been so naive as to have thought that I would only have phone sex with John when I wanted to or believe that I could call him into my room or go to his room only when I was in the mood? We have been very physical with each other. Each time I allowed myself to go further than the time before. What about the next time? What would I be willing to allow, and what would John expect. What would I do if he came to my bedroom uninvited? Any thought of phone sex slipped away. We needed to sort this out.

Seconds ticked by before John said, “Mom?”

“I’m sorry, Honey. I was thinking about what you said, and you’re right. I have been using you to fill a void in my life. I had no business doing what I did and leading you on. If we ever got together again like we did last night, we both know where that would lead. I know in my heart that I would let it happen, even beg you to make it happen. I love you so much and miss what I had with your dad. You are a caring and wonderful lover. So much like your father. The phone sex is fun, and being intimate with you was wonderful. I will never regret what we did. But I think it’s best if we stop before one of us does something we will regret.”

“Okay, Mom. I understand. I will never forget or regret what we did either. I love you, Mom.”

“I love you too, John.” I hung up the phone and cried myself to sleep.