Chapter 11

She used my idea, but with more intelligence. When we walked into their house together she went to her mother, hugged her, and said, “I’m sorry.”

“I forgive you,” said Hannah, hugging her back. “I see you stopped by Bob’s house.”

“Yeah. I tried to seduce him, but he wouldn’t let me.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, but he wasn’t mean about it.”

“Things come to he who is patient,” said Hannah.

“Can I sleep with you tonight?”

That came out of nowhere, and I think it shocked both Hannah and me a little bit.

“Bob might be planning on staying the night,” said Hannah, carefully.

“I know. Why do you think I want to sleep with you tonight?”

“So peeking from the door wasn’t good enough?”

“I said I was sorry. I won’t get in the way. I just want to be with you, instead of alone ... listening.”

“I thought the idea of having a threesome was gross,” said Hannah. They were still hugging.

“It was. Now ... not so much. Not that I want to try that. I just want to sleep with you.” She blinked. “Him.” She frowned. “Both of you.”

“My poor, innocent little girl,” sighed Hannah. “See how letting you do things you shouldn’t, can corrupt you?”

“I don’t think lying with the two people I love the most in the world, and sleeping that way, is being corrupted, Mom.”

“I don’t think Bob’s going to be content with just lying there and sleeping.”

“Well, duh,” said Harper. “If you tell me no, I won’t argue.”

Hannah squeezed her and then let go, standing back.

“I’ll talk to Bob about it,” she said.

Harper was - and this is putting it mildly - elated that she hadn’t been shut down immediately.

She even offered to go gather up all the laundry and get it started.

“We’ve created a monster,” said Hannah, who was now hugging me instead of her daughter. My hands were sliding around on her back, which was smooth, indicating no bra.

“The monster was already there,” I said. “It was just waiting to find a crack in the cage holding it in.”

“Why don’t I feel better?” asked Hannah into my chest.

“Can’t help you there,” I said. “All I am is the big, giant penis who invaded your household.”

“And which,” said Hannah, standing back and staring up at me, “is what pried open the bars of her cage.”

“Well, I suppose I did pry her open,” I said, grinning. I thought I might have gone too far, but she just slapped me on the chest and said, “Beast!” Then she gripped my forearms. “You are staying the night ... right?”

“That was my plan,” I said. “I hoped I would be allowed.”

“You never have to ask again,” she said.

“Even if that means your daughter wants to be ensperminated?”

“What?”

“Something I made up on the spot while we were walking over here,” I said. “We talked about things.”

“It sounds awful.”

“I have gleefully ensperminated you half a dozen times,” I said. “You didn’t seem to mind even a little bit.”

“Do you suppose we could en...”

“Sperminate,” I said, helpfully.

“En-sperminate ... the inside of a condom, when it comes to her?”

“I would be willing to do that. While the idea of enpreginating you makes me want to do that right this instant, I realize it’s easier to only have one baby in the house at a time.”

“You have to stop making up words,” said Hannah. “You’re starting to sound like President Bush.”

“A wise and stalwart man who, other than being a little misguided, led our nation well,” I said. “I’d rather sound like him than some other public figures I know of. Like Nancy Pelosi. Did you know she said we should get away from fossil fuels and use natural gas instead?”

“But natural gas is a fossil fuel,” said Hannah.

“Exactly! Would you rather I sound like that?”

“I’d rather you sound like yourself,” she said.

“Okay. I want to get you pregnant. I don’t want to get Harper pregnant.”

“Thank you.”

“Not right now, anyway,” I added.

She’s in better shape than I am, but I outran her for almost a whole minute.

“What are you two doing?“ squealed Harper from the doorway. The noise we’d been making after Hannah caught me had distracted the teen from whatever she’d been doing.

Hannah, who was sitting on my chest, was poking at me with sharp fingernails. It was partly an attempt to tickle me and partly an attempt to draw blood, I think. About all I could do was grab her breasts. Okay, I admit it. I had grabbed them just because. Anyway, I was making it sound like I was being terrorized. I think she knew better. She looked over at Harper.

“He said he wanted to enpreginate you!”

“What?”

“Not right now,” I yelled. “Maybe later, but not right now!”

“Really?” Her voice rose an octave.

“It’s what all men want to do!” growled her mother. “They’re beasts! All of them are beasts!“

I squeezed her soft breasts.

“Grrrrrr,” I growled.

I looked to see Harper’s backside in quick motion, headed somewhere away from us.

“Uh oh,” I said.

“What?” asked Hannah.

“We might have scared her.”

“What?” She looked around.

“She took off running.”

“Shit. Bob!”

“Well you’re the one who told her I wanted to ... you know.”

“I was joking!”

“I’m not sure she realizes that,” I said.

She left off “torturing” me and stood up.

“I’d better go talk to her.”

“Good idea.”

She got up and left, but returned in only five or so minutes. She looked harried.

“Everything okay?” I asked.

“If you think the world coming to an end is just peachy,” she said.

“What happened?”

“She was masturbating, Bob! The idea you want to get both of us pregnant got her going!”

“Oh,” I said. “Don’t worry. A lot has happened lately. It’s probably just hormones.”

“I don’t think so. Actually, she had already been masturbating before we started that ruckus. She still wants to sleep with us and was fantasizing about that. Then I said that... stupid! ... and she ran back to take up where she left off.”

“She doesn’t really want to get pregnant,” I said. “She wants to have a baby, but just in the same way all young girls dream about having a baby some day. She doesn’t want to actually start the process right now.”

“Go buy some condoms,” said Hannah, her voice serious. “Right now.”

“Yes, ma’am,” I said.

I figured it would take some pressure off if I did that.

And ... I probably would need them, sooner or later.

We did not hop right into bed as soon as I got back. That’s what happens in erotic stories on the internet, but this was real life. Real life isn’t nearly as exciting as what they put in those stories, which is why I won’t bore you with what happened in the Hooker household over the next three or four hours.

I will tell you (with no little shame) that I should have gone to a regular pharmacy to get the condoms, instead of stopping at TJ’s Tobacco and Gifts, which is where I bought my pipe tobacco when I needed some. I still had that bad habit, left over from college, when I thought smoking a pipe made me look wise.

I had never spent much time in the side room of TJ’s, where the “gifts” were. From infrequent glimpses in there, it looked like a combination of a candle shop, a sex shop, and someplace to get the anniversary present you forgot all about until the last second. I had, however, noticed a rack of what looked like condoms in there in the past, and TJ’s was on the same side of town. The pharmacy was on the other side. TJ - if that was actually his name - knew me from previous trips, and waved when I came in.

“Happy Birthday,” he said, grinning. He had a gold tooth that gleamed when he smiled.

“Not my birthday,” I said, “but thanks.”

“You probably didn’t come in on your birthday,” he said. “Just catching up. What can I do for you today?”

“Actually, I need some condoms,” I said.

“Better for you than smoking,” he said, grinning. “I can fix you right up. What kind?”

“I haven’t done this in a while,” I admitted. “Something a cut above boring?”

“Not a problem,” said TJ.

He disappeared into a doorway and emerged in the gift room. Don’t ask me why I didn’t go in there and select my own. It was a pretty bewildering display, from where I was standing, so maybe that had something to do with it. He returned with a box in his hand and slipped it into a plain brown paper sack. I paid him and left.

It was in this way that, when I returned from “going out to get some condoms” that I actually brought back something entirely different. TJ had either misunderstood me, or thought he could improve on things. We would not, however, discover that error until later.

The rest of the evening was routinely domestic. Hannah, while I was gone, had talked to Harper some more and they had negotiated some ground rules about Harper being allowed to find out what it was like to sleep in a bed with someone else. She was looking forward to that enough that it gave her the ability to be sanguine about it. And patient.

The actual ‘assemblage’ of participants for the night’s activities was a little less well-ordered. That’s not surprising, at least to me. After all, only a week or so earlier we had been entirely normal, not involved in anything sexual, much less the contemplation of a threesome involving a teenager who was also one participant’s daughter. So I guess it was normal for things to be a little tense when we all gathered in the bedroom.

We sort of stood around for a while, not doing anything until Harper finally ran out of patience and opened the festivities by saying, “Can you guys do it doggy style again? I’d like to get a better look at that.”

It’s possible Hannah was more tense than she looked. I deduced that when she answered, “Why don’t you just let him do you doggy style? Then you’ll understand it perfectly!“

“Ladies, ladies,” I said, holding up my hands. “All we’re doing here is snuggling, relaxing together among people we love. There need be no tenseness involved in this.”

“I’m sorry,” said Harper. “This is all new to me.”

“It should be new to you,” said Hannah. She frowned. “In about five years it should still be new to you.”

Harper, who wasn’t a fool, went to her mother and hugged her. Hannah resisted, but only a little and only for a few seconds. It turned into a warm, heartfelt hug between two people who loved each other and wanted to communicate that with the hug.

Harper, who was also impetuous, almost screwed the pooch when she said, “Wow, it’s kind of freaky that, in a little while, we might be doing this naked.”

I settled that by announcing in no uncertain terms that I would be in the middle.

If this seems ridiculous to you, just contemplate, for a few seconds, arranging an evening in bed - for adult purposes - with one of your children involved.

Yeah, I thought that might calm you down.

I was aware of the tension, but determined not to let that tear things apart. I’m pretty sure my primary motive for that had nothing to do with arranging being in bed naked with the two women. I just wanted the night to end in a way that didn’t destroy anything. As I look back on it now, I think it was crazy to even try it, but I was just as caught up in the moment as they were.

Anyway, things ended up with Hannah on my right and Harper on my left. Each was lying on one of my arms. The lights were still on and Hannah had pulled the top sheet over us. We lay there for maybe a minute, primarily because none of us knew how to proceed.

“So ... what now?” asked Harper, finally.

“I don’t know,” sighed Hannah.

Being helpful - as always - I said, “Well, normally we’d be cuddling and talking about something. Making out a little bit. You know the deal.”

“No ... I don’t,” said Harper, pointedly.

“Right,” I said. “We’re not used to having an observer.”

“Well then, pretend I’m not here,” said Harper.

“Like that could happen,” said Hannah.

“Come on, Mom,” said Harper. “All I want to do is be here and see what it’s like.”

“I can’t just get in the mood on command,” said her mother.

“Uncle Bob’s in the mood,” said Harper. Her hand slid across my hip and found my bone. I was, indeed, in the mood.

“The condom!” said Hannah, suddenly, tensing. “Where’s the condom?”

I remembered putting the sack from TJ’s Tobacco and Gifts on the side board.

“Be right back!” I said, sitting up.

Ever tried to get out of bed when you’re surrounded by naked women?

While I was gone, Hannah announced Harper would get some experience with applying a protective sheath on a man’s erection. She wasn’t feeling all that romantic anyway, and maybe Harper would lose some of her interest if things got technical.

She took the box from me and opened it, pulling out a foil-wrapped packet. Harper reached for it and peered at it, trying to see how it opened. She saw where the two halves pulled apart and started the process.

“It’s big,” she commented.

“It’s rolled up,” I said.

“Wow!”

“Wow what?” I said.

“I didn’t expect bumps.”

She held up a donut of latex, colored a lurid purple. It looked a little like those dog collars with spikes on them, except the spikes weren’t sharp.

“What did you get, Bob?” asked Hannah. We could all see that the donut had a hole in the middle, instead of the reservoir Hannah and I had expected.

“I told him I wanted condoms,” I said, dumbly.

“Who?”

“TJ.”

“Who’s TJ?” asked Hannah.

“The guy at the store.”

“What store?”

“TJ’s Tobacco and Gifts,” I said, staring at the penile sleeve Harper had slipped over one finger, as if it was a bizarre ring of some kind.

“That’s not a condom, Bob,” said Hannah.

“What is it?” asked Harper.

“It’s called a sleeve,” I said. “The man wears it on his penis to enhance the woman’s pleasure.”

“Kinky,” squealed Harper.

“It offers no protection of any kind,” said Hannah, her voice tight.

“Have you ever used one?” asked Harper, looking at her mother.