Chapter 10: Lost...

Christmas arrived and the house was filled with joy and excitement as his siblings were engrossed in the anticipation of opening presents. Henry watched quietly, his face a mask of happiness and cheer as he struggled internally to hold back his pain. He had to do it. Nothing would bring Meredith back, and to cause others to suffer as he does would not be a lasting memory of her that he could live with. So today he was focused on the celebration of a momentous birth and the exchange gifts.

The gifts were rapidly distributed and his siblings waited patiently for the unwrapping to begin. It wasn’t the free for all helter skelter that was seen on TV or in the movies, it was a controlled chaos in which one person would open one gift before, once opened it moved on to the next person, and so on and so forth. For Henry this was a new experience, at home, his old home, they opened the gifts all at once and then displayed them once everyone was done. He thought about that for a moment, no way would that work here, wrapping paper and boxes would be flying all over the place! A smile came across his lips, yes, a new way pf looking at things in a home filled with love and caring.

As they went from youngest to oldest Henry was in the middle, and as he was about to open one of them, Eric quickly stopped him, “Henry, could I talk to you in the kitchen for a minute?”

Henry looked at him strangely but replied, “Sure.”

They walked out of the living room into the kitchen and as Henry turned around to look at Eric he knew something was off.

“No easy way to say this Henry. We, have some gifts for you that were meant for Meredith. Jane is, going to distract the kids and I’m going to get them out of the living room. We, we never thought to do that yesterday and by the time the presents were distributed it was too late to stop it. So, if you give me a minute I’ll take care of everything.”

He tried saying okay but all that came out was a squawk of some unintelligible sound.

As Eric turned to leave Henry nearly fell to the ground as he attempted to sit in a chair. He held it together as best he could, but he was failing miserably. When Eric came into the kitchen Henry could only shake his head as his face scrunched up and tears began to fall.

Eric reached out to him and picked him up. “I know this is a shit time for you, if you want to go open presents then we will do that, but if you want to go to your room, I’ll tell everyone you’re not feeling well and you’ll be up later.”

Henry nodded his head and went to his room using the back way to be out of view of his family. He could have held it together if not for the presents, that was too much for him and would have turned him into a blithering idiot, as he is now, and that is not what he wanted to show.

He walked into his room and lay down on his bed and closed his eyes. It took him 10 minutes to gather himself together and another 20 minutes to calm his nerves before heading back upstairs. The presents were all opened and before him were just a few from the kids. They were just toys like theirs that allowed him to join them in playing, which for him was more than he needed. Nothing was mentioned of the other presents, thankfully.”

Soon after his Grandfather came over without Margaret, no questions were asked and no explanation was given. He carried with him several gifts which he handed out to the delight of the children present. With Henry he pulled him aside and handed him an envelope.

“No matter what, your life is your own. I have no idea why Margaret is the way she is, why she wanted you to stay here to go to school. I think part of her wants to have you around as the child she never had. While another part of her resents you being thrust upon her. Neither is your fault, and just saying it is what it is, bullshit.”

“We look to whatever is around us to be happy and contented, sometimes to the detriment of others. When you open your gift, I want you to realize that nothing is impossible and that the world is open. Don’t let one thing prevent you from doing another, but be sure that what you want is what YOU want and not what someone else wants YOU to want.”

Henry opened the letter, it was a written letter from his Grandfather stating that whatever his choice in college he chooses, he will pay all expenses for whatever degree he wants.

“If you and Cindy decide to go to school in Arizona, or Florida, or where ever, I want you to know that money is not going to be a decision factor for you. The only requirement I have is that you focus on your studies and that you maintain the same GPA as you have today. And, whatever you decide to do with your life is all on you, I’ll support you no matter what.”

“Thanks Grandfather. Is it, okay that I call you that?”

“Does it bother you?”

“I’m not sure. I feel that you are much more than just a grandfather and I don’t want to upset you.”

“Whatever name you call me is fine by me.”

“Well, for the time being I’ll call you Dad until Jane tells her kids.”

“You mean your brothers and sisters?”

“Yeah. Wow, that really blows my mind.”

The remainder of the day was spent playing with the kids, and talking of nothing in particular. But the playfulness of the day did not distract from the events that were to come tomorrow. The dread of what was to come played heavily upon Henry and no matter how he looked at it he could find no plan that would aid him or Cindy. What could someone say or do to comfort you on the passing of your child? His mind ran through every possible combination of words that could be said to provide aid and comfort but nothing, NOTHING came close. She’s in a better place! She was suffering! God took his Angel back home! Is that supposed to make him feel better?

No. There are no words that could even remotely provide any comfort to him.

That night as he lay down to sleep he felt the coldness of fear run through him. Something is not right he thought to himself as he spent the next few minutes trying to ascertain the cause of this fear. It was not what was to come with Meredith, it was something else, something that he should see but is blocked from him.

No sleep would come to him that night, he tossed and turned and thought of what was wrong until the sun rose and his Mom woke him up.

He had never seen sadness such as hers when he looked to her. Of all the things that had happened, of all the things that he saw or was aware of, he never thought of how she felt. So wrapped up in his pain he could not see what others were going through or what they were feeling. He got up out of bed and hugged his Mom. There were no need for words, each knew what the other meant and felt. It was the aid and comfort that were passed between the two, devoid of words, the true acceptance of the unspoken word, of a sentiment that was beyond description that the two shared. It is sad to say that it would be years before they would share a hug that was as impactful and meaningful as this one.

For a moment the world had changed. He put on his suit and went upstairs. His siblings were there in their best clothes, and tears in their eyes. Jane had kept the news from them that Meredith had died and they were now grieving with Henry. He bent down and hugged them tightly, once again the simple act of hugging carried more weight than any words that could have been spoken.

The ride to the Funeral Home was quiet and reserved matching that of the weather of the day, overcast and cold. They entered and were escorted where Meredith was. A small white with gold trim opened casket was placed along the back wall, so small, so delicate, so soul crushing. It was Eric who caught him as he stumbled, “Are you okay?”

Shaking his head yes, which was a complete lie, Henry got his footing and moved towards that casket. His mind screamed at him to walk away, even RUN! It screamed with each step closer that he would not survive, that his heart would explode and he would die right here. And as he stepped up to the tiny casket his mind just cried out in pain and agony. Once again Eric caught him and held onto him tightly as Henry was gone, lost to the ravagers of anger and sadness. Nothing, for the moment, would be able to penetrate the suffering that he allowed himself to fall into.

Until he heard the soft whimpering coming from behind him. He turned to see Cindy walking between her Mom and Dad towards the casket, their arms linked as if they were holding her up as they walked her towards him. Her eyes, much like his were red and puffy, her face shown of sadness that went deeper than the despair that was clearly evident by her demeanor.

As she walked up to the casket she let out a small soft wail and grabbed the side of the casket tightly as she nearly fell. In a voice as light and happy as possible Cindy said, “She was so beautiful.”

Henry choked out “Is.”

Without looking at him Cindy reached out her hand and placed it in his, saying, “Yes, she is beautiful.”

Her Dad looked at him, an almost imperceptible scowl formed on his face as he looked at him before he led Cindy away.

If it wasn’t for the grief that had taken control of him Henry would have unleashed all of his anger upon Cindy’s Dad in violent attack that was sure to end with him in jail for the simple purpose that for those who had been in the room when the doctor had spoken of the potential causes of Meredith’s problems knew that HE was the source. With venom upon his thoughts I hope that asshole knows why Meredith died! I hope that he is hounded by her spirit for the rest of his fucking life! He should feel bad, resourceful even, but those thoughts of pure hatred were hard to control, and in his mind HE was the cause.

He turned away from Meredith and took a seat on the opposite side from Cindy and her family. It wasn’t planned, it was just that they took the entire row. His grandfather and Margaret were just behind him, the hug from his grandfather was as important to him as his Mom’s, it conveyed everything that he needed from him, and more than what he could ever possibly realize in the loss that he felt. His life may have been screwed up but there was no less love than any family in existence. Even Margaret, whom gave him a light and dignified hug was quiet and mindful of the emotions that were present.

They took their seats and Father McClory from their parish came up and said a few words followed by a prayer. At least that is what Henry thought he said, his mind was numb and even if he exerted a tremendous amount of effort he would still be unable to comprehend what was said. His mind just wouldn’t allow it. But it was the sobbing from his Mom that was all he needed to know that the words were kind and heart felt.

At the conclusion of the service they said their goodbyes, Cindy and Henry placing a kiss on the forehead of Meredith, and with the casket being closed Henry reached out to Cindy and held her hand, and as the lid was firmly put into place and closed tightly he took her into his arms and held her tightly as both sobbed. Through a tight voice he whispered to her, “I love you” and upon hearing those words he felt Cindy grab hold of him tightly.

It was her Dad that broke them apart, and once again the scowl was there. If only he could tap into the rage that was brewing beneath the surface, that man would never come between him and Cindy again.

As they walked out Henry noticed the small number of people, family mostly, but none of their friends were there, which hurt Henry greatly, not for him, but for Cindy. Hell, they probably still hate him for what he did to Cindy, or what they perceived what he did to Cindy. How could they not be here for her!?! What kind of friends are they! Why is it that people are like that? Don’t they understand?

The procession to the cemetery was short, not only in distance but also due to the number of cars. They gathered around the small casket and a few prayers were said. It was all lost to Henry. He couldn’t follow what was being said, nor at this point did he care. Prayers to him were words that carried little value to him at this moment. They may be accepted and cherished in others, and they may provide comfort as well, but for Henry he felt that one’s life was not in the words spoken at your death but by the memories of those who survived you.

At the conclusion a luncheon was held across the street from the cemetery, as was standard. For Henry food was the last thing on his mind. How could he eat after what was done today? But it was his Mom who pulled him away from the casket that held Meredith, and guided him to the car. He pulled away at the last moment and walked back to where Cindy was but she was in the car and gone.

The short distance to the luncheon seemed to take hours for Henry. He was lost in the thoughts of his mind as he began to play out the scenarios of where He and Cindy would end up. Sometimes he hated his grandfather for giving him the idea of thinking through all of the possibilities of a problem. Why is it that most of the scenarios that played out in his mind had led to a road that took him to a place that he had hoped he wouldn’t go to?

The restaurant had set aside a small section for them, with just over a dozen people, it encompassed two tables, a further delineation of us and them so a seat next to Cindy was impossible. His nerves now fraying and his anger beginning to build Henry sat down and tried to calm himself. For the most part it worked and buy the time lunch was over he was in a place that can best be described as controlled sadness. He got up from the table and took a couple of steps to talk to Cindy.

Her Dad stood up and got between them, “I don’t think Cindy has anything to say to you.”

“I would think that would be Cindy’s decision.”

“And I speak for Cindy” he responded quickly.

“Until I hear it from Cindy, you do not.”

“Henry, let it go” from his grandfather.

“No, I can’t” and moved to go around her Dad

He stepped in front of him and pushed him back, “You just don’t listen”

“Don’t EVER touch me again.”

“DAD!” Cindy screamed.

“Stay out of it Cindy”

Cindy’s Mom jumped up in-between them, “Michael. Leave it alone.”

“No.”

“Don’t push me on this. Leave it alone.”

“I don’t want you anywhere near my house. Get me!”

In a whisper his Grandfather said, “Henry, this is not the time or the place. Let it go.”

He nodded to his grandfather and went to Cindy and knelt next to her.

“Are you okay?”

She nodded her head.

He placed his arms around her and hugged her. Slowly he felt her arms circle him and take hold of him before tightly grasping on to him. After a moment he could feel her begin to sob, slowly at first before it took over her and she was weeping out loud as she held him tightly to her. No words were spoken between them but he felt her pain, her anguish, and her sorrow. As strong as he wanted to be for her, Henry slowly lost control of his emotions and began to weep along with her and for that moment their thoughts and their emotions were as one.

Henry didn’t want to let go, he wanted to stay there with her as one, and it was with great reluctance that he let her go. As he fully disengaged from Cindy, to his dismay she never looked at him preferring to stare at her feet as she used a tissue to wipe the tears from her eyes. In the deepest darkest part of his mind he felt the first pang of loss, not for Meredith, but for Cindy. Something within him felt that their previous embrace would be the last shared between the two.

With reluctance he stood up, drained of any will to fight for what he wanted he turned and left the restaurant without even paying attention to those whom he left behind. In one day he lost two of the most loved individuals he would ever care about. He had been rejected and defeated by the one person whom he loved above others and was now cast adrift to the vagaries that life would push in to.

Somehow he made it home, guided by his family and was left alone, not for his own benefit but he was not responding to questions. He slipped into his bed and for the remainder of the day fell into a deep despair.

The next day was much the same the previous, he was still lost and adrift in his life, and he willingly allowed the defeated attitude to take hold and prevent his escape. It wasn’t until the third day that he began to come around. He began to speak to his family, and slowly allowed himself to play with his siblings, yet never really cracking a smile. Those around him saw it as a sign that he had turned a corner, but for Henry he was preparing for the end of his relationship with Cindy.

His first attempt to calling her was just after dinner, the phone rang and her Dad answered, “Hello.”

“Hello Mr. Oswald, it’s Henry, can I talk to Cindy?”

“No. And don’t call back.”

Strike one.

He repeated it the following day, her Dad answered, “Hello?”

“Hello Mr. Oswald, it’s Henry, can I talk to Cindy?”

“What part of don’t call again didn’t you understand.”

Strike two.

On the third day he gain called Cindy, and again her Dad answered, Hello?

“Hello Mr. Oswald, it’s Henry, can I talk to Cindy?”

“She doesn’t want to talk to you! Take the hint and don’t call back!”

“Have her tell me that!” but it was too late he had hung up.

Strike three. What was he going to do?

He shook off the dread that enveloped him and grabbed his coat saying, “I’ll be back” to whoever was in the kitchen.

He had no plan, he only had one thing to do, and that was talk to Cindy. She was the only one who could stop him.

He walked up the steps of her home and rang the doorbell.

It was no surprise that he saw her Dad walking to answer the door.

It opened and before Henry could say a word, Cindy’s Dad screamed at him, “Stay the HELL away from my family.”

“I will as soon as Cindy tells me she doesn’t want to see me anymore.”

“She doesn’t want to talk to you.”

“I am NOT leaving until she tells me she doesn’t want to talk to me!”

“Get off my porch!”

“No! Not until Cindy tells me she doesn’t want to see me anymore.”

He pushed Henry hard screaming, “Haven’t you done enough to this family!?!”

With all of the anger and pent up frustration that had accumulated since Cindy had turned away from him he, in a blink of an eye Henry threw the punch. It caught her Dad on the cheek and knocked him on his ass. He knew he was wrong. He knew the price for what he had done would be more than he wanted to pay, but in the moment he had to do it. Not for him, but for Meredith. And at that thought he lost control, through gritted teeth he spoke softly and slowly, “THAT wasn’t for touching me. THAT was for what you did to your daughter. And what you did to mine! Meredith’s death is on YOUR hands you fucking piece of shit!”

He got up rubbing his cheek, it wasn’t fear in his eyes but an acknowledgment that Henry wasn’t going to back down. “You ruined my family you fucking piece of shit. I’ll fix you I’m calling the cops” and went back into the house”

“Go Ahead!”

Cindy’s Mom came out, “Please Henry, you need to leave.”

His anger seemed to give way to the pleading of Cindy’s Mom. Did she want him to leave too? Did she hate him?

Choking back the tears he felt coming, he asked, “Does she really not want to talk to me?”

She looked back into the house for a moment before turning back to him saying, “It’s complicated.”

Shaking his head vigorously, “No. No, it’s not.”

“Give it some time, PLEASE Henry.”

“I, I can’t. Because I can’t live like this anymore. I can’t, I can’t allow her to play me like a puppet on a string. I am not going to dance any more. She either cares for me or she doesn’t. I, I need to know because it hurts too much NOT to know. Every day a little bit of me is dying, and I can’t live like that, not knowing if she loves me like I love her, and if there is anything between us. If she doesn’t love me than she should tell me, so I can move on with my life, without her.”

He could see the tears in her eyes, the fight she was having between two opposing realities. She knew Cindy’s answer, she knew what Cindy wanted, but she wasn’t telling Henry what it was.

It was at that moment that sirens could be heard in the distance.

She reached out and took his hand, “Henry please leave.”

He gripped her hand and shook his head no. “I can’t. And, if I need to move on and if I leave now I will have no answer and I live the way I have been, and I just can’t do that. If Cindy lets the police take me away, I will have my answer. And then it just doesn’t matter dose it.”

“Dammit Henry.”

“I just can’t go on not knowing. If she won’t stand up for me, what do we have? Nothing. I would rather have an answer than no answer at all. Can’t you see that?”

“Yes Henry, I can see that. But, she’s not going to come out.”

“You may know that in your heart, but I don’t.”

“You will hurt her deeply if you get arrested.”

“Is it her emotions, her feelings that only matter? Are my feelings worth nothing and of no concern to her? Or to you?”

“She lost her baby”

“Yes! I know, so did I. And I am here trying to understand if we can still be together! If WE have a future together.”

“And I am asking you to give her time.”

“I gave Cindy the option to let me go, and I would leave her alone. I put up with my friends turning on me, calling me names for what happened, and I let them think I turned away from Cindy, and never once did I say a word or correct them or defend myself. I said nothing. I took it because she needed me to. Now I am asking her to stand up for me, or to let me go. I am done with allowing someone else to determine my happiness, to hold hostage my feelings, and my LIFE because they’re afraid. No. Either I am worth someone to love, or I am not. There is no in-between. There is no grey area. Tonight I get my answer.”

She broke down hearing his anger and sadness and how he saw Cindy, and she realized how poorly he had been treated. He had to know how she felt about before the police showed up, “She loves you very much Henry. Please, let her”

“If Cindy is not strong enough to choose me, to show her love for me, than why would I want to believe her, or, to be with her?”

Tears were flowing from her eyes. And in that instant Henry knew that Cindy wasn’t going to save him. But he had to play it out. He had come too far to walk away now without knowing. There was not going to be any ambiguity after this night, there was not going to be a possibility of a maybe.

The police car stopped in front of the house, the Mars lights illuminating the area. Henry stood his ground.

“Are you Mrs. Oswald?”

Wiping away her tears, “Yes, yes I am.”

“We have received a 911 call of a disturbance at this address.”

She nodded her head, “It was my husband who called.”

Pointing to Henry he asked, “Is this the person who is causing the disturbance.”

“I am unsure of that, you will need to speak to my husband, as for me this young man is not causing a disturbance to me.”

From behind them Cindy’s Dad came out, “Yeah, he IS causing a disturbance. He attacked me.”

The policeman looked to Cindy’s Dad and asked, “And you are?”

“The person who called the police, Mike Oswald.”

“And who are you?”

“Henry Mason.”

“Did you attack this man?”

“Yes. After he pushed me.”

“To get him off my porch.”

“So you pushed him first?”

“Yes.”

“Did he threaten you?”

“No.”

“What business do you to have at this residence.”

“I wanted to talk to Cindy, his daughter. She, we, recently she had our baby, Meredith.”

“Don’t you dare say THAT name!”

“Please sir, we need to know.”

“Meredith died shortly after birth.”

“I TOLD you NOT to”

“Sir! I asked you NOT to interrupt.”

“I, wanted to talk to her about how she is feeling, if she was okay, and if there was still a possibility that we had a chance to, work things out.”

After a short time, the office looked to Cindy’s Dad and asked, “Sir, do you really want him arrested?”

“Yes” he said defiantly.

The other officer replied, “Once we begin the process, it cannot be stopped and it will lead to an arrest.”

“Please, do your duty officer.”

The officers exchanged a look and the first replied, “Okay.”

The second officer said, “Henry Mason you are under arrest for assault and battery” and put his hands behind his back and placed him in handcuffs.

The first office turned to Cindy’s Dad and said, “Mr. Oswald, I am placing you under arrest for battery.”

“What! I didn’t do anything!”

As the office placed him in handcuffs the officer replied, “You intentionally and without cause touched another person without their consent.”

“I wanted him off my porch!”

“He made no offensive or threatening movements against you giving you cause to touch him.”

“This is bullshit! I’m the homeowner!”

The office holding Henry asked, “Mrs. Oswald, did Henry make any attempt to enter the premises or cause you harm?”

“No. He was very respectful.”

“We will be taking them to the police station for booking. I am sure your husband will be released within the hour.”

She turned to Henry, “I will call you Father.”

“Thank you. And, please tell Cindy to have a good life.’

In an act of love for her daughter, Cindy’s Mom reached out and slapped her husband as hard as she could across the face.

Turning to Henry she said, “I will.”

A second squad was requested, seems getting slapped had pushed Cindy’s Dad’s anger to a point where putting them together in the one squad was unrealistic, especially as he made several threat against Henry.

Henry spent the next couple of hours in jail, separate cells from Cindy’s Dad, which was best for all those concerned.

He was finally allowed to see his Grandfather who smiled at him as he walked up to the cell, “I hear you gave him a good shot.”

He smiled back, “As hard as I could.”

“Well, we have worked out a deal that would prevent this from going further. If you agree to drop the battery charges he will drop the assault & battery charges.”

“I can live with that.”

“And, you will never try to speak or communicate with Cindy.”

“Okay.”

He was taken aback by this statement.

“Are you sure?”

For the first time he could remember his emotions didn’t get the best of him at the thought that Cindy didn’t care for him as he cared for her, and that there was nothing he could do about it. They were over. “She allowed this to happen, so yeah, I’m good with that.”

“I, I want to tell you that you are wrong. Scratch that, I know you are wrong. You love her, you”

“I did everything for her. I did everything she wanted or asked of me. I only wanted one thing from her, and she wouldn’t do it. Couldn’t do it. So, that’s it. I’m done with her.”

“Okay.”

It was as if the encounter never happened, as they both walked out of the police station, Henry gong with his Grandfather and Cindy’s Dad going with his son.

His grandfather stopped in front of his home, “Before you go, two things. Jane has no idea what happened, so you should explain what happened. I know your hurting, but things will work out, given time. And you may see Cindy differently than you do now.”

“I know you mean well, but, this thing with Cindy is over.”

“Okay, Henry.”

“Thanks for working things out with the police and everything.”

“Can’t have my Grandson be a jailbird. Doesn’t sit well with me”

He walked in the door and was greeted by a very perturbed Jane,

“Where in God’s name have you been? Are you okay?”

He stopped in his tracks and looked at her. He smiled and walked up to her and hugged her tightly saying, “My God you’re a great Mom.”

She seemed to melt in his arms.

But for only a moment as she disengaged from his hug and looked at him sternly, “Okay, that’s not going to work!”

“I didn’t do that to get away with anything. When I would do something that Margaret didn’t like she would yell at me. Get beat up, she’d yell at me. Fall of my bike and get a hole in my pants, get yelled at. She never asked if I was okay. Not once. But you, after getting on me asked if I was okay. You will never know what that meant to me, never.”

She looked at him for a moment, “Oh, dam you Henry! When you say things like that I just want to, well, never mind.” As she wiped away a tear, “So, what happened?”

“Why don’t we sit down?”

As they sat in the kitchen he asked, “Is, Eric around.”

“Yes, do you want him here?”

“Yeah, he’s family, I think he should be a part of this, especially since the kids may find out about it.”

Eric joined then in the kitchen and after he sat down Henry took a deep breath and Henry began his story, “I called Cindy and her Dad answered, he wouldn’t let me talk to her and he told me never to call back.